Even as the spouse on the CP side, married to the CPBM with full physical and legal custody, a limited long distance visitation schedule for the NCP, and as a man, I recognize that the alienation industry is highly prejudiced against fathers.  In my SS's Spermidiot's case, it was well earned. No kid should have to be exposed to that POS even if he is their biological father.   Of his 4, my SS is the eldest, only my SS is a successful viable adult.  #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind the convict.  My SS is also the only one raised by the mother. The other three were raised by the same woman, SpermGrandHag, who raised the POS Spermidiot.  Even with that, I see how brutal the process was towards the Spermidiot in my DW's battles to retain custody and protect our son. Even when the Judge was clearly biased toward the SpermClan and very frustratingly had no choice but to rule in DW's favor.  That was prior to the arrival of any of the subsequent 3 Spermidiot spawn.

I have friends and colleagues who have been destroyed in the process. Destroyed financially, emotionally, and parentally.  They were able to recover, have solid marriages and second families.  Though they basically lost their first family children.   Though one got custody when his XW ran off to sail the world (Joined the Navy) leaving three young girls on his doorstep.  Their agreement was for joint/50:50. She joined the Naval Reserve then shifted to Active Navy during basic training.   That was it. He took the kids, she went on to a navy career and had intermittent contact with their DDs.  

Another is a former employee who ended a marriage while on active duty after 10+yrs of marriage.  His XW could have taken half of his retirement.  He offered her $30K in cash in lieu of a share of his retirement. She saw the $$$ and agreed.  He got out with his retirement intact but lost his boys.  Interestingly, his XW is going through a second divorce. and has 2 young kids

Rags wrote:

@WarMachine13-Mod & @Watereddown - I would not suggest it if the SKids were minors.   But a toxic X with far too much control over adult children has earned no quarter IMHO.  These types often have some need to continue to PAS their Kidults against the other parent long after a CO has expired.  Zero tolerance keeps the ball in their court on how they are dealt with.  If they get past it, there is no consequences that have to be brought to bear.

Living well is the best example and the best revenge. Keeping the mirror in front of them and in front of the community regarding them makes sure to remind them of the unpleasant consequences that their choices return.

IMHO of course.

Don't know anyone besides you who thinks being petty is living well. 

Estate attorney time. Get your Wills done.  Medical and durable POAs.  I know that it is a tough conversation to have, but make sure he knows how critical it is that you and the marital resources are protected in the event that he is terminal.

I pray that ultimately this activity will not have been needed for a very long time and that this disease is something that the two of you successfully tackle together.

Take care of you.  You need to make sure to do that in order for him to take care of himself through all of this.  Your strength will be critical for him to heal.

I don't thing it's just about money but obviously, divorce is a very expensive process and if the men see a probabilistic mountain to climb before they would be awarded custody.. well, they cut their losses and don't go that route.

I think part of it is still the entrenched gender roles where the woman is often the primary caregiver to kids, so it often ends up following that they remain that after divorce.

Careers.. even when both work, it might be that men's jobs are less conducive to getting time off needed as a full time parent.

Also, in your statistics.. perhaps it's that the men that go all out have a real reason that they need to.. that their ex truly is not a good parent.
 

This is his decision. I wouldn't even tell them should he be terminal. These angry types who feel "owed" always make trouble when someone passes. Yes, as Surviving said, get that will locked down like Fort Knox. I may sound cold, but I have learned the hard way that any decency or compassion for the skids in these situations comes back and smacks us in the face. 

Good wishes for a full recovery! Hugs to you.