ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

Frankly I am not fully convinced they've shown enough behavior modification towards you and your kids to deserve any trust. 

You're absolutely right. Thank you. I don't trust her at all. She's been sneaky mean in the past and even when she's being nice, I wonder if she's just being fake. I can't just wave a magic wand and make the memory of her behaviour disappear or the trauma that it's left. 
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Friend of mine grew up in a bad dysfunctional family. His dad left when his mom was pregnant with his little brother. She took it out on him. Brother was sickly but a troublemaker. Mom took it out on him. If you remember those metal racecar tracks, the ones that were copperish color and rolled up with sharp sides. She beat him with that sometimes. Still has scars on his legs from some bad cuts. He's a hard worker and great guy no thanks to his lousy family.

Tryingjusttrying, I understand this, "just existing was my main crime."  How sad it is that people live with that mindset? How validating that your husband understands! That is growth. Sadly, there will always be "noise" but we choose our reaction (or no reaction) to that noise. 

Mia, what great news! She really did dodge a bullet and it sounds like she is recovering in a healthy way.
Winterglow, I wish you had more details on that story. I am curious by nature and always like the understand "the why."
Yes, we certainly do need a "Like" button.

Tryingjusttrying, Thanks for your reply.... I remember the days when they used to have friends at our home. I'd walk in and call 'Hi!' and no one would even look up or respond. It was awful. 

Yes, I do wonder if they're filled with anxiety at the thought of seeing me; I doubt it. 

My husband did ask me if it was okay to invite them, my response was 'it's up to you'. I don't think I had enough time to prepare myself mentally and I wan't expecting to panic the way I did. 

Same as you, I won't be preparing food or babysitting their kids or anything like that. We're too far down the line for that; just a cordial relationship would suffice, I'm just so mad at myself that we'd worked hard to get to that cordial place and I ruined it. 

Give yourself a pass...we all mess up when dealing with toxic behaviors for long period of times. 

I've been in the game for 20 years...married 18. At year 12, I broke....ended up in long-term counseling. Got myself together. This is how I operate in StepHell today. About a year ago, we began some re-unification. On MY terms. So far, I interact with two of DHs kids. The others, I have no issues with them visiting DH here. I do not go to their homes. When they are in our home, I am respectful and a good host but once those "duties" are done, I excuse myself to my studio and let DH visit with his kids and grands. 

There are no interactions between my kids and DHs kids. No love lost there. DH and I do not have children together. DHs grandchildren are his....I have no part in that world. Saves me a lot of money. LOL I see DHs kids as "acquaintances." I expect nothing from them except except respect and civility, same as I offer them. They no longer take up space in my head with this mindset. It took me a good while to get here....I always wanted unity, something I have with my former husband and his wife. But DHs kids were not receptive. So here we are and it works well for me.  Just some ideas for you to ponder. 

Wishing you the best.