I take the "I just don't give a flip." philosophy with these types. They can't hurt me because I just don't care for anything about them.  End of story.  I reciprocate; they hate that.  When they are playing games, I gray rock and enjoy myself while they grind their teeth and grumble. 

My wife had a painful learning curve on this topic.  She used to spend countless hours looking for, finding, purchasing, meaningfully wrapping, the perfect gift.  She used to enjoy having coffee with her mom when she was still at home. After she left home for university she got into nice coffee and wanted to introduce her mom to nice coffee.   One year as a joint gift for her younger sister and her mom, she purchased a high-end gourmet coffee machine, a selection of limited-edition coffees, had custom cups made for her mom and sister.  MIL and SIL opened the gift.  MIL wrinkled her brow and said, "Why would you get me this? You know I drink Folger's instant coffee."  We never saw that coffee maker when visiting my ILs. Ever.   

It has been decades and when the holidays roll around my DW will have a rough couple of days when that memory surfaces.  She still enjoys the gift process, but it is not the in depth high personal investment process it used to be.  With her family anyway.  They are list people, so she just grabs something off of their lists.  Except for this year. They decided to not do lists.  So, gift cards it is.  She hate's doing gift cards.  But for people who are eternally on the ragged edge of financial destitution, that is what they seem to always ask for.

With my family, she spends countless weeks researching, finding, and selecting just the right thing for each person.

It has been a dozen years since I last bought either of my SDs a gift. Like Mia's DH says, some people use gift giving as an opportunity to hurt others. I got a few passive aggressive gifts - things from the back of BM's cupboard, all covered in dust - things from the £1 shop. It took me a lot of years to give up trying to get the SDs nice gifts that I thought they'd like - but I never will again.  I barely sign SD29's card, and never SD30's - from whom I am estranged.  I only get gifts for my own daughters and my grandchildren, now. 

Merry wrote:

It’s amazing that even gift giving can be turned into punishment. Different circumstances for me, but same result.

Gifts have stopped. DH might send $$ for the grands, not that we ever get a thank you. But that’s it.

DH is mopey over the holidays. I’ve learned to just go on about my life and he can come along or not. I wish I could lose the last of the resentment though.

I have to step up my practice of gratitude.

Amazing indeed. What kind of person/people . . . ?
DH here used to be mopey over the holidays. I hated the dark cloud. He finally grew out of it, so there is hope! 

Over Thanksgiving, DH felt bad for SS for about 5 full seconds because his widdle late-30s boy spent his first Thanksgiving all by his widdle self because he was too cheap to buy a plane ticket to mommy's, she (surprisingly) didn't buy him one, and he doesn't have any friends. And he certainly wasn't invited here. I sound devilish because all my skids ever wanted to do with us over any holidays was try to ruin them or just be plain mean as hell. 

Meera wrote:

A $100 dollar gift for his Mother is nothing to brag about. Boys that grow up, become famous and successful and buy their single Mom a house have something to brag about. I'm sure you know that telling you and your DH about a regular gift is just a way to stir the pot. 

I am glad the people you love get to benefit from your gift giving. 

I have vented here about how SDiablas use gift-giving as a snub, gifting household items to only DH, sending packages of trinkets to only DH, giving food items to only DH. 

When I point it out DH acknowledges that it's rude but he would rather be in denial and pretend everything is fine. 

Back when we would pick up SD's at BM's house, to bring SD's to DH's holiday family gatherings, BM would insist SD's bring a gift for DH's parents. - sad faded flowers with reused ribbons on the vase or such- BM was NOT invited but she had to make sure she interjected herself anyway.

If my ex had tried such a stunt I would have marched those flowers right back to the curb but DH didn't want to ripple the waters. God forbid that he upset the delicate diablas so we would haul BM's tokens 4 hours away to our family gathering. I think this explains a lot as far as why SD's are the way they are. He should have been firm at the very beginning. Not being firm and setting a strong foundation sums up the reason why SD's are such a mess. 

Come to think of it, my ex has pulled similar stunts. I donated his "gifts" to the homeless. No need to bring that intrusion into our space. 

DH was telling me how much he dislikes gift giving. It's no wonder, the SD's act as if whatever he gives them is a piece of poo under their nose. Come to think of it, last year I kept one of the (very nice) gifts DH bought for YSD because she didn't like it. Lol I love gift giving but I no longer buy gifts for the diablas and I will never buy gifts for them unless they change their stripes into spots. Their loss. I sure hope there are never any grand diablas.

I have plenty of other people to spend money on. I love to buy gifts for my BK's, DH and my side of the family. 

Same as Merry, I need to step up my practice of gratitude and let go of resentment. 

Yes, things said  and done to stab, hurt, and stir the pot. Always. And, yes, like Merry said, these kinds of actions too easily cast a shadow on others . . . the not liking the holidays, not enjoying gift giving. But we do have to move past that and not let these people cast those shadows on our celebrations. It is a process. And you are so very right: Ultimately, it IS their loss. 

Rumplestiltskin wrote:

This post gives me flashbacks. During my 7+ year relationship with exSO, I took great care in getting gifts for the skids. So did my elderly father, who made an effort to treat them like his own grandkids on Christmas. Between my dad and I, we got one SS everything on the Christmas list he gave me. About $400 worth of stuff between us. SS opened them and said “That list was just a joke, i didn’t really want any of that.”

SO’s family didn’t even know my kids’ names, and i think most of them didn’t even know my name. No gifts or even much acknowledgement on birthdays, holidays, or any day really. Ugh. One more thing to be thankful for during those rare moments when i start to feel lonely.

I am with you. Know the feeling. It hurts more when our own flesh and blood become targets. It's cruel.
But, honestly, yes: getting past these situations either by leaving altogether or simply disengaging and not playing the nasty games are reasons to be grateful. This year, I have been spending more on others because I considered the money I've saved through the years by not buying for the skids. It feels good! I feel like Christmas is BACK (DH's good mood certainly helps!) 

I got gifts for SS a few Xmases, but then DH and I realized that a married couple would typically give joint gifts, so we started to do that. DH takes care of SS and I take care of BS, and all four of my nephews. DH is close to my family, so he's grateful for me to include him in the gift-giving. I'm grateful not to have to pick out something especially for SS. We basically are continuing are gift-giving habits from before we met, and we're both good with that.

SS never got me anything for Xmas. But one year, he got me several gifts. He had broken up with his GF shortly before Xmas, so I assume it was really meant for her. DH wanted me to be grateful, but I didn't think it was a sincere effort. Then on another year, SS got me a gift certificate, but I think it was more DH getting it for me. I don't really care if SS gets me something. I think giving gifts should express how one feels about the one getting the gift, and honestly since we don't have a good relationship, I think it's better not to give each other anything.

I also fell off on going out of my way in the gift giving games for the skids. Not that I ever really expected SD to consistently giving me much. To be fair, she has a few times but the thing with her is that she is the type whom I have reason to suspect has some kind of an ulterior motive or strings attached whenever she says or does anything remotely nice. Its like she feels I am automatically going to wear HER expectations in terms of favors to her just because she decides she wants to say a few kind words to me, as experience has taught me. Like you, as far as Xmas gifts from SD, even in her so called UP cycles when she allegedly "loves" me, Ive noticed that DH would receive gifts literally said Shaving kit that was clearly only meant for him, even down to the Cards only addressed to HIM,, hence why I cant take any crumbs of affection from her that seriously,  The last glimmer of a gift was that she sent some extra salt dough ornaments her kids made my way. No mention of if they were made just for me or they just had some extra crafts laying around. I say this because they were just thrown into a ratty paper back reeking of stale cigarettes, not even placed in a dollar tree gift bag at least, so wondering if it was possibly a last minute afterthought,  However, I was gracious and appreciate, hung the ornaments up until I discovered last week that they got moldy and mushy, but they were nice while they lasted. I was wondering if I should take that as a metaphor for what Stepmomhood has been like for me. 

Trudie wrote:

Interesting stories! It is not just skids who are thoughtless with gift giving. This year, when asked what we would like, DH told his mother something very specific that we would both love. One gift, done. She gave him a very large gift certificate to a luxury men's store and me a gift certificate for groceries. What a hoot! MIL, your fangs are showing!
Side note, I put DH in charge of shopping for his family this year. I did go with him, but he picked things out on his own - some I raised by eyebrows at. I did wrap them, which I do like to do. It was so nice to not have to budget, research, shop, etc. I put my efforts into my kids and mom instead. 

Ah, I remember your MIL and her shenanigans around gift-giving!