My son has launched. He's never lived with us (I waited until he went off to college to move in with DH). So SS being here without my DS seems normal rather than a model to aspire to.

Do you ever feel left out when DH goes to see his kids without you? The history between SS and I is him constantly trying to exclude me, so my goal has been to be included in everything even if SS doesn't want me there. DH only goes out with SS if he knows I have plans. For example, when I go to church and he doesn't come with me. If DH was making plans with SS without me regularly, I think I would feel that SS was succeeding in luring dh away from me.

Wow, I didn't know about the Andrew Tate-loving part.  Not sure what that emoji is, but it seems appropriate. First, CONGRATULATIONS that he is for the most part away from your domain! 
One of the things I had to learn to do with my DH was to set up schedules, whether it was the skids coming (which was very rare anyway), other relatives of his planning a visit, or his schedule going to see them--I learned to ask him questions: What dates, what times, what activities. Not grilling him, but setting parameters and expectations. So, first, can you and your DH plan out SS's visits? Put them on a calendar and discuss what's going to happen and when? 

If you will not enjoy/like/tolerate dinners out with SS, perhaps that should be planned out, too. "You all go out to dinner; I'm going to have dinner with [friend/relative]." Better yet, make spa appointment on a day SS is there--treat yourself to counter the toxicity. . . have a spa treatment before going out to dinner with friends. 

 

MorningMia wrote:

Wow, I didn't know about the Andrew Tate-loving part.  Not sure what that emoji is, but it seems appropriate. First, CONGRATULATIONS that he is for the most part away from your domain! 
One of the things I had to learn to do with my DH was to set up schedules, whether it was the skids coming (which was very rare anyway), other relatives of his planning a visit, or his schedule going to see them--I learned to ask him questions: What dates, what times, what activities. Not grilling him, but setting parameters and expectations. So, first, can you and your DH plan out SS's visits? Put them on a calendar and discuss what's going to happen and when? 

If you will not enjoy/like/tolerate dinners out with SS, perhaps that should be planned out, too. "You all go out to dinner; I'm going to have dinner with [friend/relative]." Better yet, make spa appointment on a day SS is there--treat yourself to counter the toxicity. . . have a spa treatment before going out to dinner with friends. 

 

Yeah, what is that emoji? It does seem appropriate. Lol.

Thank you MorningMia. I do have to be grateful that he's out of the house and out of town. I'm a lot more relaxed at home and even in the neighborhood knowing that I'm not going to run into him. I think that's a good idea to plan everything out. That's good. SS is a bit adhd and my DH goes along with what is suggested. I like that he's easy going. But if dh spends any time with SS, I feel like when I see him again, DH does stuff I disagree with because SS had whispered in his ear. That just happened when dh went to drop SS off on campus. They spent all day together, and lo and behold, when DH came back, me and dh had several fights in the past several days because of changes DH wants to make involving the dog and his ex. Long, boring story, but I just know that it's because when SS (and BM by phone) gets his ear, he'll hijack dh. DH is a grown man, so I don't want to put it all on SS, but that's a part of his personality. Once dh has it in his mind to do something though, it's really hard to shake him out of it. So, what I have to do is implant the idea of having a schedule before SS throws out whatever impulsive thing he wants to do. I'm making DH sound like he's naive, and maybe he is a little. But he's an INFP personality. 

Justtrying my DH is similar to yours in the fact that DH is low key influenced by YSS. It’s usually around financial advice, bit coin, gold,stocks. Which, no YSS is not some financial guru, he just spends a lot of down time on the internet and thinks he “knows” i told DH years ago, when YSS weathers a downturn and still makes $ that’s when he can offer financial advice.  I still often have to bring DH back down to earth. I can tell when he’s spent time on the phone with YSS based on the latest hot tip DH has lol.

  I think the main thing is my DH respects our marriage, so does listen to me. One thing I do is include my own kids when setting a boundary or example of what I don’t want happening. For example around loans or co-signing for anything, I am never inclined to do those. DH easily is, I remind him of the pitfalls and how we can’t “help” one child and not all if asked, how some (my own included) just aren’t fiscally responsible,  and how we still need to plan for retirement  then I make it clear I’m against it. I struggled in our early years to communicate because I’m a people pleaser, but I could see where it was headed if I didn’t speak up.

Maybe you can phrase it “now that ss is starting a new phase in life, can we discuss how you see visits shaping up?” My DH and I negotiated around holiday visitation from this ss i first approached him about the prolonged visit from November-January and pointed out, most people cannot, and do not “visit” for so long, that it was just to much. DH agreed and we discussed what was normal. I wanted a week, DH wanted two, compared to 3 months, I gave in. The most interesting part is, it hasn’t been a thing at all. What I think has happened is any boundaries around anything with some of these steps makes them feel rejected or something. That’s what our DH’s fear, and what makes it even more important to set them. Eventually DH realized his relationships with all his kids are transactional. He “forgets” and I remind him as gently as I can but sometimes not so gently. I think despite our issues around this, I know he prioritizes us and our relationship above all.

Last edited by Noway2b1 (8/26/2025 7:27 am)

Noway2b1, my SS is all about bitcoin and stuff too. Thankfully, dh is not interested at all. But DH is fairly skeptical of SS' financial ideas given that SS spends money as fast he gets it and wants quick money. 

I do something similar as you in terms of modeling behavior I'd like to see by treating my DS the same way as I'd like to see DH treat SS. One problem is that DS is responsible and respectful, so I feel like he doesn't need the same boundaries, but feel I have to draw them anyway, which I don't think is fair to him. For example, when we invite DS over for dinner, he's very respectful, offers to help, and is quick to leave if he sees that one of us looks tired or something. SS is a different story because he lived with us every weekend, but in the past few months, he hasn't been doing overnights, so sometimes it would just be dinner on Saturday and/or Sunday. If SS comes over, he makes demands, doesn't offer to help, and barely acknowledges me, etc. But even though he isn't a problem, I limit how much DS comes over because I don't want to set a precedent in which the kids have a run of the place, which in the past DH allowed SS to do.

I do like the suggestion to say that since we're going into a new era, we should talk in advance about visitation. It won't be an easy conversation, but I think that is the way to broach it. I think I know what you mean about boundaries and rejection. I think part of why SS chose to stop doing overnights here at least for the past month is because over time, he was given the message that him staying here came with parameters, and he really bristled at that. I think that the only reason he still came around is because he really does favor his dad, and when his friends left for college, he extra clung to dh. But I could tell that SS wanted to rebel against having parameters around time, giving us notice when he came over, etc. He sometimes flouted them, and got mad sometimes. A part of me felt guilty for my part in making him feel "rejected". But ultimately, I realized that the dynamic in which SS either can do whatever you want or the alternative is he would feel rejected isn't my responsibility. I sometimes meditate on what DS would do to try and keep a good perspective. DS would never presume that he could have the run of our house, so we never had to lay down parameters or push back, and he wasn't put in the situation to feel "rejected".

But in DH's mind, SS is just confident and brash, but fun and the apple of his eye. If I don't feel comfortable having a Andrew Tate-loving brah as a roommate, I'm going to have make a case and figure out how to advocate for my rights/needs.