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1 of 1- Tryingjusttrying
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Breaks from college
Hi all, I'm happy to report that SS got into a college a few hours from home, and I'm settling into the knowledge that I don't have to worry about him coming over or even running into him in the neighborhood. But I'm already bracing for his first visit home. In the last month or so, SS has elected not to have overnights here. He said it was so that he didn't have to keep moving his stuff back and forth. Also, we've been keeping stuff in his room as storage because we have a pretty small house, and I think he was unhappy with the mess. SS has complained about that in the past.
SS's leaving has prompted some behaviors that typically wouldn't happen. On his last night home, he asked DH if they could have dinner together. Normally, DH wouldn't ditch me to go have dinner with him, but he asked me if it was alright without even entertaining the idea of inviting me. I also didn't expect it, and was fine with it. I bring this up because I anticipate that since we're going to be in new territory, we're going to have new behaviors. For example, SS could possibly want to stay with us overnights when he's home from school. That would be an absolute nightmare for me. But if he requests it, how do I tell DH 'no'? It seems so unkind to bar SS from staying with us for , say, a weekend, when we won't have him for months. SS and I have not had overt conflict for months, and obviously, since he won't be here, I can't use having conflicts with SS as an excuse to decline to have SS stay here. Do I just suck it up when it comes time or what can I say to justify barring SS from staying here?
Background: On Steptalk.org, I wrote a lot about my difficult history with SS. He's an Andrew Tate-loving 19 yo, loud, arrogant man who has had a history of lying and stealing. He tries to be mini-wife even now, and actively tries to exclude me and cozy up to dh. Argh.
- Noway2b1
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Re: Breaks from college
I’m lucky. I was able to use my own son launching (which DH was very anxious to occur) as an excuse to not have guests “for a while” .
Are you able to capitalize on having some room to breathe? Or one on one time with DH ?
Along those lines, DH when we first married was very keen on having me at everything his kids hosted or every time DH invited them out for a meal. I began to say “go spend some quality time with your kids” or “I think you need some one on one with so and so” he grumbled a bit at first but now I’ve flipped the script it’s assumed I WON’T Be going. It’s particularly easy to not attend his kids “family” get togethers since BM is always invited first. Always attends. So DH knows I’m not going.
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- Tryingjusttrying
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Re: Breaks from college
My son has launched. He's never lived with us (I waited until he went off to college to move in with DH). So SS being here without my DS seems normal rather than a model to aspire to.
Do you ever feel left out when DH goes to see his kids without you? The history between SS and I is him constantly trying to exclude me, so my goal has been to be included in everything even if SS doesn't want me there. DH only goes out with SS if he knows I have plans. For example, when I go to church and he doesn't come with me. If DH was making plans with SS without me regularly, I think I would feel that SS was succeeding in luring dh away from me.
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Thread Starter- Noway2b1
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Re: Breaks from college
Tryingjusttrying wrote:
My son has launched. He's never lived with us (I waited until he went off to college to move in with DH). So SS being here without my DS seems normal rather than a model to aspire to.
Do you ever feel left out when DH goes to see his kids without you? The history between SS and I is him constantly trying to exclude me, so my goal has been to be included in everything even if SS doesn't want me there. DH only goes out with SS if he knows I have plans. For example, when I go to church and he doesn't come with me. If DH was making plans with SS without me regularly, I think I would feel that SS was succeeding in luring dh away from me.
On occasion, but my DH leaves it my choice completely. He often tries to get me to come, so Yeah that would annoy me too. I’d probably make a point of inviting myself along. I wouldn’t want mine to come stay during breaks either. My YSS ( now 40) has floated in and out of DHs home often staying for months between jobs or other living arrangements, even after we built a home together he came to "visit" for months on end It took me three years to put a boundary around it, and I still occasionally have to reaffirm it.
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- MorningMia
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Re: Breaks from college
Wow, I didn't know about the Andrew Tate-loving part. 
Not sure what that emoji is, but it seems appropriate. First, CONGRATULATIONS that he is for the most part away from your domain!
One of the things I had to learn to do with my DH was to set up schedules, whether it was the skids coming (which was very rare anyway), other relatives of his planning a visit, or his schedule going to see them--I learned to ask him questions: What dates, what times, what activities. Not grilling him, but setting parameters and expectations. So, first, can you and your DH plan out SS's visits? Put them on a calendar and discuss what's going to happen and when?
If you will not enjoy/like/tolerate dinners out with SS, perhaps that should be planned out, too. "You all go out to dinner; I'm going to have dinner with [friend/relative]." Better yet, make spa appointment on a day SS is there--treat yourself to counter the toxicity. . . have a spa treatment before going out to dinner with friends.
- Tryingjusttrying
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Re: Breaks from college
Wow, nowaytobe. So you do have the experience of an SS who left the house and then came back several times. I just shuddered thinking of my SS wanting to live with us at 40 for months. I don't think I could do it. You said that you successfully put a boundary around it. How? That's what I would like to know. What is a diplomatic way to resist SS's return here in a way that wouldn't cause DH to become defensive and in a way that doesn't cause conflict between us?
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Thread Starter- Tryingjusttrying
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Re: Breaks from college
Wow, I didn't know about the Andrew Tate-loving part.
One of the things I had to learn to do with my DH was to set up schedules, whether it was the skids coming (which was very rare anyway), other relatives of his planning a visit, or his schedule going to see them--I learned to ask him questions: What dates, what times, what activities. Not grilling him, but setting parameters and expectations. So, first, can you and your DH plan out SS's visits? Put them on a calendar and discuss what's going to happen and when?
If you will not enjoy/like/tolerate dinners out with SS, perhaps that should be planned out, too. "You all go out to dinner; I'm going to have dinner with [friend/relative]." Better yet, make spa appointment on a day SS is there--treat yourself to counter the toxicity. . . have a spa treatment before going out to dinner with friends.
Yeah, what is that emoji? It does seem appropriate. Lol.
Thank you MorningMia. I do have to be grateful that he's out of the house and out of town. I'm a lot more relaxed at home and even in the neighborhood knowing that I'm not going to run into him. I think that's a good idea to plan everything out. That's good. SS is a bit adhd and my DH goes along with what is suggested. I like that he's easy going. But if dh spends any time with SS, I feel like when I see him again, DH does stuff I disagree with because SS had whispered in his ear. That just happened when dh went to drop SS off on campus. They spent all day together, and lo and behold, when DH came back, me and dh had several fights in the past several days because of changes DH wants to make involving the dog and his ex. Long, boring story, but I just know that it's because when SS (and BM by phone) gets his ear, he'll hijack dh. DH is a grown man, so I don't want to put it all on SS, but that's a part of his personality. Once dh has it in his mind to do something though, it's really hard to shake him out of it. So, what I have to do is implant the idea of having a schedule before SS throws out whatever impulsive thing he wants to do. I'm making DH sound like he's naive, and maybe he is a little. But he's an INFP personality.
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Thread Starter- Merrigan
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Re: Breaks from college
Your SS is into Andrew Tate? I wouldn’t allow that in my house.
- Noway2b1
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Re: Breaks from college
Justtrying my DH is similar to yours in the fact that DH is low key influenced by YSS. It’s usually around financial advice, bit coin, gold,stocks. Which, no YSS is not some financial guru, he just spends a lot of down time on the internet and thinks he “knows” i told DH years ago, when YSS weathers a downturn and still makes $ that’s when he can offer financial advice. I still often have to bring DH back down to earth. I can tell when he’s spent time on the phone with YSS based on the latest hot tip DH has lol.
I think the main thing is my DH respects our marriage, so does listen to me. One thing I do is include my own kids when setting a boundary or example of what I don’t want happening. For example around loans or co-signing for anything, I am never inclined to do those. DH easily is, I remind him of the pitfalls and how we can’t “help” one child and not all if asked, how some (my own included) just aren’t fiscally responsible, and how we still need to plan for retirement then I make it clear I’m against it. I struggled in our early years to communicate because I’m a people pleaser, but I could see where it was headed if I didn’t speak up.
Maybe you can phrase it “now that ss is starting a new phase in life, can we discuss how you see visits shaping up?” My DH and I negotiated around holiday visitation from this ss i first approached him about the prolonged visit from November-January and pointed out, most people cannot, and do not “visit” for so long, that it was just to much. DH agreed and we discussed what was normal. I wanted a week, DH wanted two, compared to 3 months, I gave in. The most interesting part is, it hasn’t been a thing at all. What I think has happened is any boundaries around anything with some of these steps makes them feel rejected or something. That’s what our DH’s fear, and what makes it even more important to set them. Eventually DH realized his relationships with all his kids are transactional. He “forgets” and I remind him as gently as I can but sometimes not so gently. I think despite our issues around this, I know he prioritizes us and our relationship above all.
Last edited by Noway2b1 (Today 7:27 am)
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