No one in a family should fear anyone else in the family.  In the event that is the case, the one causing the fear in someone else needs to face instant overwhelming misery inducing consequences.  Instant consequences are a far better and effective lesson than unfettered unearned kindness and accommodation of crap behaviors ever will be.

I am so thrilled that you and DH are flaunting your revenge of living well and that his health is thriving.  A succubus or incubus, even when it is someone's spawn, cannot and should not be tolerated.

Absolutely enforced boundaries and standards end this kind of thing before it even starts.  Consider boundaries and standards like they are an electric animal control fence.  Build it, maintain it, mark it clearly, and keep it eternally energized so when the incubus or succubus decides to pee on it, it instantly fries their tender bits.  Make violations so immediately and overwhelmingly unpleasant that the life force sucking demon will wilt sniveling in a corner before ever approaching the boundary again.

Figuratively of course.

Last edited by Rags (10/13/2025 11:32 am)

Good update! What a relief! 

IMHO the most simple and effective position to take with these types of kids when they get their feelings hurt and disappear is... good riddance.

No chasing them, no lamenting their absence.  Be confident that their choice to separate is theirs and that the good side did nothing to cause it.  Regardless of what the hurt feelings on the departed kid's side may be.  Their hurt feelings are their choice as is their separation.

Chasing is a huge waste of time, peace, and effort.

Make it clear that when they are ready to come back that they had better call first because no one is sitting around all depressed and waiting for them.  Live well and enjoy life.  That is what we owe ourselves, it is the best example for the self-absorbed butt hurt feelings kidult, and it is the best revenge.

Rags, surely you must have been aware, over the years, on StepTalk, of (usually male) bio parent caving in to demands of their kids for fear of said kids not wanting to know them any more?  I would say it was the most talked about topic on the site. Countless step mothers complaining about this.  I hated when DH would pander to his daughters - all over fear that they would cut him off.  I always rejoice when, like Merry's DH - someone stops doing it.  

Kes wrote:

Rags, surely you must have been aware, over the years, on StepTalk, of (usually male) bio parent caving in to demands of their kids for fear of said kids not wanting to know them any more?  I would say it was the most talked about topic on the site. Countless step mothers complaining about this.  I hated when DH would pander to his daughters - all over fear that they would cut him off.  I always rejoice when, like Merry's DH - someone stops doing it.  

Kes - Yep.  This was easily the most frequently expressed topic of frustration and discussion for pushing two decades on STalk.  My position was always that it was not a good choice for the spineless prior failed family baggage wielder to invest in meeting kid demands and that the SParent partner should not tolerate it at all in their own mate, marriage, or home.  

Kids do not get to make demands.  They make requests.  Parents demand.  This keeps it simple.

My wife had some fear of it early on that she really has not entirely evolved past and her/our kid is 33.  As a teen mom, she has been carrying this at some level for more than 2/3 of her life.  Though she no longer invests in it much at all.  An occasional tear of regret that she did not prevent any and all challenges for our kid during his blended long distance visitation childhood.

His teases of "MOM! What were you thinking?"  probably don't help.  Though he is not being mean when he is teasing her about it.
 

Last edited by Rags (10/14/2025 12:49 pm)

Kes -  I think that at the core of all of this is that parents from failed marriages often look at parenting and being a parent as a short-ish duration game.  IMHO it isn't a short game; it is a lifelong game.  Tactical incidents can be very challenging but when considered from the perspective that being a parent is the only decision one can make that is eternal, or at the very least, is a decision that impacts the entire life of the kid.  We parent our kids, who parent theirs, and so on, and so on, all influenced by how the parent parents.  Not just during the childhood years, but throughout the parent's and their children's lives until the parent crosses the rainbow bridge.  Even then, that parent continues to parent with the examples, expectations, guidance, and engagement with their children that they lived.

When done well, their kids will always consider "What would mom/dad do?"

Doing any of that from a position of fear is an instant fail IMHO.  Building a relationship with our kids is a constant ever evolving journey. It is not a "gotta get it done in a weekend, or even in 18yrs" thing.  It is cyclical, it ebbs and it flows.  Success or failure are seen in the comprehensive view, not from a small portion of the parenting journey.

When parenting while countering a toxic parent in the opposition side, it can be an incredibly painful journey.

Just my thoughts of course.

 

Last edited by Rags (10/14/2025 1:02 pm)

Merry wrote:

Quick backstory: DH and BM raised kids who were the center of the universe. I went through lots of “trying harder,” “giving them time,” and “being the bigger person.”  And their demands on DH just ramped up. Eventually DH had to pick his partner—me or SD, and to some extent SS too—and he picked me. So the short path to estrangement began.

DH occasionally talks to SS, but only when SS calls DH. He does not return calls or texts. SD has nothing to do with him other than reminding him of the grandskid’s birthdays or other cash-worthy event.

DH handles this all surprisingly well. He’d always lived in fear of his kids, convinced that if he stopped being their fool that he would lose them. Turns out he was right. But he is no longer their wallet or punching bag or on-demand cheerleader.

Interestingly, DH’s health (physical and mental) was in deep decline and since he’s free of this stress his health is great. Spurious correlation? Probably, but it’s also curious. His health is so good that we are able to travel, most recently to the UK. I don’t think he even told them we were going, he picked up no souvenirs for them, and he posted freely on social media. I’m certain they are furious the he is happy and spending money. (The money is mostly mine but that doesn’t matter.)

I know he’s sad that he has no relationship with them. But overall he is happy. I sure am.

So that’s the update. I check in here now and then, grateful for all the support I received here over the years.

I wish my partner had those pair of balls.  I'm so happy for you both.  Too many deadbeats think their happiness is ruled by their kids. Mine included.

Last edited by LifeIsTough (10/16/2025 3:37 pm)