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- Merry
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Observations on DH and the estranged skids
Quick backstory: DH and BM raised kids who were the center of the universe. I went through lots of “trying harder,” “giving them time,” and “being the bigger person.” And their demands on DH just ramped up. Eventually DH had to pick his partner—me or SD, and to some extent SS too—and he picked me. So the short path to estrangement began.
DH occasionally talks to SS, but only when SS calls DH. He does not return calls or texts. SD has nothing to do with him other than reminding him of the grandskid’s birthdays or other cash-worthy event.
DH handles this all surprisingly well. He’d always lived in fear of his kids, convinced that if he stopped being their fool that he would lose them. Turns out he was right. But he is no longer their wallet or punching bag or on-demand cheerleader.
Interestingly, DH’s health (physical and mental) was in deep decline and since he’s free of this stress his health is great. Spurious correlation? Probably, but it’s also curious. His health is so good that we are able to travel, most recently to the UK. I don’t think he even told them we were going, he picked up no souvenirs for them, and he posted freely on social media. I’m certain they are furious the he is happy and spending money. (The money is mostly mine but that doesn’t matter.)
I know he’s sad that he has no relationship with them. But overall he is happy. I sure am.
So that’s the update. I check in here now and then, grateful for all the support I received here over the years.
- Aniki-Moderator
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Re: Observations on DH and the estranged skids
Stress does terrible things to the body. Glad to hear your DH's health has greatly improved. Estrangement sucks, but isn't always something that can be overcome.
- Kes
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Re: Observations on DH and the estranged skids
So glad that for both of you, health and wellbeing has increased. I think it's tremendously common for bio-parents to live in fear of their kids, so it's good that your DH has faced his fears and is no longer being held to ransom by these. If, in the future, he reconnects with his children let's hope it's with a healthier way of relating.
- MorningMia
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Re: Observations on DH and the estranged skids
Good update! What a relief!
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- ImperfectlyPerfect
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Re: Observations on DH and the estranged skids
Loving this update Merry- sometimes you have to give folks a "wide birth." This is one of those examples. If they are only after you for money or selfish demands and those things go away and they want nothing to do with you? That's a pretty big square sign that it wasn't a good situation to begin with. We have that with one SKID and partially with the other, VERY transactional and when whittle adult SKID doesn't get his way he ignores your existence. For me, I was very angry at first, and then very sad...until one day I woke up from the daze of stepparenting and realized? Huh...what am I actually getting out of this?
Nothing but bad treatment, ungratefulness and being ignored.
What is my DH getting out of this? The same.
My blood pressure instantly dropped, my health became better. My DH struggles a little but a lot less these days, it's been a wonderful turn around for us- completely unexpected.
- Kes
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Re: Observations on DH and the estranged skids
Surely you must have been aware, over the years, on StepTalk, of (usually male) bio parent caving in to demands of their kids for fear of said kids not wanting to know them any more? I would say it was the most talked about topic on the site. Countless step mothers complaining about this. I hated when DH would pander to his daughters - all over fear that they would cut him off. I always rejoice when, like Merry's DH - someone stops doing it.
- Tryingjusttrying
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Re: Observations on DH and the estranged skids
Stress is really bad for health. I just had a doctor's check up a month ago, and most of my vitals were pretty good. Last year, my blood pressure was in the high range, and my doctor told me that if it didn't come down, she would have to think about prescribing me meds. Last month, no more high blood pressure. Not coincidentally, SS has been away at college for almost two months.
Thanks @Kes for your thoughts on fear. "No one in a family should fear anyone else in the family." That's a very good reminder that fear should not be normalized. I also have my own fears about alienating and losing DH. But I've confronted that as well. Turns out that I can stand up for myself and still be loved by DH.
- Kes
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Re: Observations on DH and the estranged skids
I think for my DH and other non-custodial parents - the fear was always worse because you only have the kids with you for a relatively short time - for us, every other weekend and some time at Christmas, summer and Easter. Then every time you take them back to BM, she indulges in a bit more PAS and the kids feel that they have to agree with her. This is where the fear really takes a hold - and it wasn't paranoia - it was fear based in the reality of what was happening in the other household.
- Exjuliemccoy
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Re: Observations on DH and the estranged skids
I'm glad to hear your DH's health has improved. Keep spending that money & posting those "best retirement" pics!
- LifeIsTough
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Re: Observations on DH and the estranged skids
Merry wrote:
Quick backstory: DH and BM raised kids who were the center of the universe. I went through lots of “trying harder,” “giving them time,” and “being the bigger person.” And their demands on DH just ramped up. Eventually DH had to pick his partner—me or SD, and to some extent SS too—and he picked me. So the short path to estrangement began.
DH occasionally talks to SS, but only when SS calls DH. He does not return calls or texts. SD has nothing to do with him other than reminding him of the grandskid’s birthdays or other cash-worthy event.
DH handles this all surprisingly well. He’d always lived in fear of his kids, convinced that if he stopped being their fool that he would lose them. Turns out he was right. But he is no longer their wallet or punching bag or on-demand cheerleader.
Interestingly, DH’s health (physical and mental) was in deep decline and since he’s free of this stress his health is great. Spurious correlation? Probably, but it’s also curious. His health is so good that we are able to travel, most recently to the UK. I don’t think he even told them we were going, he picked up no souvenirs for them, and he posted freely on social media. I’m certain they are furious the he is happy and spending money. (The money is mostly mine but that doesn’t matter.)
I know he’s sad that he has no relationship with them. But overall he is happy. I sure am.
So that’s the update. I check in here now and then, grateful for all the support I received here over the years.
I wish my partner had those pair of balls. I'm so happy for you both. Too many deadbeats think their happiness is ruled by their kids. Mine included.
Last edited by LifeIsTough (10/16/2025 3:37 pm)
Let them.
- Thinkthrice
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Re: Observations on DH and the estranged skids
What Kes said. And child chasing doesn't work. It's like Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown.
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