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Long wait for group homes
My stepson is 23 and his parents have (kudos to them both) agreed to put him on a waitlist for government funded group homes. They are burnt out and his bio mom is now facing sporadic violence from her son needing police intervention. His supportive housing case is now flagged as urgent. I am really happy this milestone has finally been reached because I was worried it would take them a lot lot longer to come to this decision. I am worried about my safety and being alone with SS. He has only targeted his bio mom and her pets, but still.. There are thousands of adults waiting for group homes here. It's going to take a miracle. Someone in a group home will have to pass away first before he gets placed. I hope I can get a normal retirement in 4 years. I'm tired of picking him up and dropping him off at his day program every other day. And I'm tired for having to lose my spot on the couch when he comes over 
. Sorry I'm selfish and not very graceful at all. And if we do get a placement, how in the hell are his parents going to break it to him so that he can understand. His mom is really nervous and ready to change her mind on this decision as well. His dad on the other hand is all for it.
Last edited by needabreak (9/26/2025 2:43 pm)
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Re: Long wait for group homes
You're not selfish! This is obviously a difficult situation and is taking tolls both physically and mentally. Your DH is blessed that you're willing to help.
Found this:
,varies%20from%20person%20to%20person.
Last edited by Aniki-Moderator (9/26/2025 2:56 pm)
Thread Starter- Rags
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Re: Long wait for group homes
needabreak wrote:
My stepson is 23 and his parents have (kudos to them both) agreed to put him on a waitlist for government funded group homes. They are burnt out and his bio mom is now facing sporadic violence from her son needing police intervention. His supportive housing case is now flagged as urgent. I am really happy this milestone has finally been reached because I was worried it would take them a lot lot longer to come to this decision. I am worried about my safety and being alone with SS. He has only targeted his bio mom and her pets, but still.. There are thousands of adults waiting for group homes here. It's going to take a miracle. Someone in a group home will have to pass away first before he gets placed. I hope I can get a normal retirement in 4 years. I'm tired of picking him up and dropping him off at his day program every other day. And I'm tired for having to lose my spot on the couch when he comes over
If mom changes her mind, mom can keep him.
I do not have this experience to temper my opinion, though I have employed SN adults who lived in group homes. They had wonderful lives and experiences. Social connections, friendships, a home, and very active experiences.
Hopefully your SS can get a place in a great home and have that kind of experience. Transitions can be difficult, but once the transition is made and he finds his new routine and new normal, he will be fine.
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR
- Tryingjusttrying
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Re: Long wait for group homes
@needabreak, I know a family who placed their special needs son into a group home. I don't know them well enough to know what their reasons were or what options they had, but one thing I am certain about is that he is far better off in a group home with his peers and expert care takers than he was at home where he was languishing. His parents love him and visit him often, and sometimes brings him to visit his childhood home. But he seems happy to go back to his friends.
Something I remember reading about that I think is interesting - there is a town in Belgium that takes in mentally ill adults, kind of like a foster care system for mentally ill people. One of their beliefs is that strangers are sometimes far more tolerant and accepting of a mentally ill person because they don't have any expectations. I've seen families feed into each other's dysfunctions, so distance is not always a bad thing.
- Winterglow
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Re: Long wait for group homes
I'd just like to offer a little encouragement. We were looking for a group home for one of my daughters. The waiting lists for the only two in our area (within an hour's) were endless. She tried both, days here and there, a full week in both. Less than a week after the second week, we were called in and, to our surprise, were offered a place for our daughter!
BM needs to understand that her son needs a life of his own and that trying to keep him at home is pure selfishness on her part.
My daughter is thriving and has blossomed since she's had her independence.
Good luck. My fingers are crossed for you.
- Rags
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Re: Long wait for group homes
We met our good friend this AM for our usual weekly Sat AM late breakfast. We solved all of the world's problems, etc... I shared the overview of this thread with him. He has an SN GK who is early teens. Our friend's DD, the SN GK's mom is a Sr. SN administrator with the school district and is extremely focused on holding the district, teachers, etc... accountable for delivering to the dotted T crossed I of the rules and regs regarding her child's education, support, etc... Apparently, it is unlikely for the GK to ever live independently.
Our friends DD and her DH do not intend to seek placing their child in an adult group home.
Our friend's XW-1 and her 2nd DH adopted three sibs out of foster care. One is in their 20s and the XW will not engage support services for the adult who basically is just taking up space in the home fermenting rather than living any sort of life.
While I understand the emotion, I feel that parents to SN adults owe the kid the best chance at a life and owe themselves the peace of their SN adult children living in a secure place where they are cared for and will be for the rest of the SN kidults life long after mom and dad check out.
A former colleague of mine and his wife had 3 children. Their eldest was an SN boy. Heavily on the ASD spectrum. He could not live independently, and they fully intended to keep him at home, care for him, and to give him the most full and engaging life they could provide him. They had him heavily engaged with their State programs and activities. They ended up moving for work and their new State offered even greater support and sponsored activities for the SN kidult and the family. Their entire estate was put into trust for his care. Their two other children were to be cotrustees for the care of their elder brother upon their parents passing.
Sadly, their son experienced a rare condition not specifically ASD related but that can occur at a greater level in the ASD population. He passed. It has been more than 10yrs since their son passed and my colleague has not recovered from that loss. We used to speak several times per year. I called him shortly after his son passed. He told me he could not talk, shared that their son had passed, and that was it. He will not take my calls, reply to messages, or emails. Though he did give a comment I made on his LinkedIn a like recently. Their married life and entire family focus was on their SN child to the point that when he passed they apparently just collapsed.
It is tragic that these conditions exist. It is even more tragic when parents and families sacrifice their own quality of life and the chance for improved quality of life and life experience for their SD kidults when in many cases there are alternatives and no requirement for those sacrifices to me made.
DW and I regularly discuss scenarios regarding our own kidult. He was Dx'd with ADHD as an adult. He is truggling with other emotional and mental illness challenges as well. We recognize that he may very well end up living at home with us at some point. Likely not as a major financial burden as he is within 6yrs of full military retirement and his most recent disability assessment has him at 75% which qualifies him for lifetime medical and a lifetime disability check even if for some reason he does not complete 20yrs. Our discussions are equally if not more about preserving our retirement lifestyle and enjoyment while integrating our son into our home as an adult than they are about fully supporting him.
Intense topics to consider. For sure.
Last edited by Rags (9/27/2025 9:53 pm)
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR
- Sunshine&Rainbows
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Re: Long wait for group homes
Hi @needabreak.... absolutly not selfish at all....as a step parent to an adult SK with special needs who lives at home full time and pushes my buttons in everyway....I get the stress, anxiety, sense of not belonging or wanting to be in your own home at times, guilt and shame for your thoughts... but special needs or not they are adults who we are sharing what should be our safe and secure space with...who push us to our limits physically and mentally daily...whilst it isn't their fault they have needs the additional care, time and support that is needed puts more pressure on us and is so so hard at times....you are not selfish at all....you are human....you are amazing for being there....and you deserve your own life/expereinces/retiremnt as much as him deserving his own life and opportunity to grow. X
Last edited by Sunshine&Rainbows (9/28/2025 4:49 pm)
- ESMOD
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Re: Long wait for group homes
In the normal cycle of life, the SN individual will experience time where there is no parent alive to care for them.
So, isn't it more cruel to expect your adult child to have to make that transition to a new lifestyle and environment without the parents there to support that transition. Do you want to leave them rudderless.. or leave that transition "burden" to your other children? (children that likely have had to already experienced sacrifices that come with having someone with special needs in their family.)
No one is saying that a parent has to drop their child in the middle of the night.. never to return.
They can still be part of their child's life.. have the child home for visits.. but the child's world expands and they are encouraged to participate to their best ability.. they have new friends.. new support systems.. and a way forward in life even when their parents are no longer able to care for them. (what happens when the parents become infirm.. can't care for their own needs.).
OP's husband is quite fortunate she has been as accommodating as she has been. I would probably not been as willing to take on the role.. especially with the potential for violence this young man clearly has.
- Rags
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Re: Long wait for group homes
In the normal cycle of life, the SN individual will experience time where there is no parent alive to care for them.
So, isn't it more cruel to expect your adult child to have to make that transition to a new lifestyle and environment without the parents there to support that transition. Do you want to leave them rudderless.. or leave that transition "burden" to your other children? (children that likely have had to already experienced sacrifices that come with having someone with special needs in their family.)
No one is saying that a parent has to drop their child in the middle of the night.. never to return.
They can still be part of their child's life.. have the child home for visits.. but the child's world expands and they are encouraged to participate to their best ability.. they have new friends.. new support systems.. and a way forward in life even when their parents are no longer able to care for them. (what happens when the parents become infirm.. can't care for their own needs.).
OP's husband is quite fortunate she has been as accommodating as she has been. I would probably not been as willing to take on the role.. especially with the potential for violence this young man clearly has.
^^^^^Absolutely this ESMOD.
It is not an easy topic and it has to be exceptionally difficult on the caring parents, siblings, and the SN kidult. However, I think there are ways to manage the process that are predominantly positive ffor everyone involved.
In some ways, I think it can be even more difficult to navigate this transition with aging parents as a SN Dx demonstrates a condition that can be extremely hard to invoke with an aging parent. At least that was what my GM's attorney counseled us with as my GM progressed through the multiple infarctic dementia. The attorney was clear that it would be nearly impossible to convince a Judge to declare her incapable of managing her own affairs. Her attorney advised us to just take over management of her daily care, activities, and her resources and manage those for her best interests. He acted as the advisor to dad and the whole family on how to clearly document the status of her resources, how they were being used for her care, best interests, and quality of life. Dad has point on that but mom, me, and my brother and my wife were all involved in managing my GM's resources and life.
With a SN kidult who is Dx'd as a child, whose family has been fully engaged from the beginning in caring for and optimizing the quality of life of that kid from child to adult, a transition to a supervised/managed care SN adult group home environment can be an exciting experience for the entire family.
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR