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- LifeIsTough
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I am disengaged, but I silently feel for dad.
Hi guys.. good to see we made it over here! 👋
Hopefully some of you remember my back story with 2 beeyotch-skids, my issue was with the teenage SD where she had me sat down on my sofa 2 year ago with her mum beside her for support, stroking her hair, while the brat completely out of the blue, just unravelled all these issues she had with me and the things I do in my own house really irritated her? We had 5 years of amazing friendship until this point. I've since realised this is due to me placing boundaries in my house. For example... no shoes in the lounge 🙄
It was thanks to you guys I was able to disengage which helped pull me out of the dark hole of anxiety she placed me in, from her unexpected outburst. If anyone wants me to re-fill you in on exactly what happened that day, I'll gladly repost if you need some background!
Then recently her SD had come to my house to pick up the younger skid and completely blanked me? I posted this on the old board, happy to repost if anyone needs clarity on background of these mother f*ckers!
Anyways.. we move. 2 years on. Disengaging worked, the eldest hardly comes around anymore... for the most part its absolutely bliss, the timing came around quicker than I could have ever imagined. The eldest brat (im not married, so i will never called them my skids... phew!) Has left school, landed on her feet with good grades, landed on ger feet getting into college, landed on her feet getting a boyfriend, basically lands on her feet and gets whatever she wants and I think having an arrogant mother and Stepdad allows this brat to always come out smelling of roses. Just like her cheating mother. They always land on their feet.
So she barely comes here, only for tea.. the times she sees her boyfriend when her weekend is with her dad, she tends to always go back to her mums... great for me! I dont have to share my space with her. It's because we have a boundary of home by midnight if you're seeing your bf, as we have jobs and need to be up early. She tries to push the time to come back bere later. Dad sticks to his boundaries on time... simply because I am behind him pushing the boundary... it is my house too. So because of this time issue, she doesn't stay here. Happy days!
BM had an affair 8-9 year ago, everyone she knew, knew about it. Friends. Colleagues. All covered it up for both of them. Both of them are arrogant. Put themselves on a pedestal. My very bad experience with eldest brat turning on me has been a consequence of the lies that are still untold of mum and stepdad, the guilt mum has been carrying and therfore allowing her brat to treat us how she wishes and then blames it on hormones, teenage bollix.
I am over it all now. But the things that bother me of late is, finding little notes in the eldest brat bedroom while tidying up the shitshow she leaves after a fleeting visit. Notes to her mum, like little love notes, about how much of a rock she is, thankful for her support and being her best friend and loving her.
It pains me that, dad has been shat on from the biggest height by her mum over the years and she doesnt even know it. Shacked up with her affair. Nice big house. Excellent jobs. However. The cracks are starting to show in the friendships mum has (mum and dad have the same friends all.of which i get on with and thry all love me.. i dont need to impress anyone) with the males and females... they all know about the infidelity including dad and they all hate her for it... she is controlling, nosey as hell, but everyone loves her 🫤 but as I say.. the cracks are starting to show in friendships lately.. and people are seeing her and her affair for the arrogant twits they really are... even they are disengaging..
I watch poor dad go out of his way for his kids, gives them whatever they want. Basically be a mug. Gives brat a lift if she calls amd wants to use him to her advantage... yet, he gets no recognition, no little notes. I resent her more when I see these little memories she creates with her and her mother. Not one thing about her and her dad. Ever. It infuriates me. How someone can be such a c**t toward their dad. These are the cards I will reveal if I have to in the future. And boy am I excited.
Her mum can fall in sh!t and come out smelling of roses. And this is happening to brat too. Yes I am fully disengaged and im really looking forward to saying NO to future invites for any event of hers in the future. I've come along way in terms of growing some balls and it seems I am the only person who has grown balls and faced up to the arrogance of mum and step dad too, and because of how arrogant they are, i'm not sure they can quite believe they have finally met their match ahould their already falling cards, fall completely while I sit there and laugh.
Again. It is dad I feel for. He is just 'someone I need to see every now and I again' ... that is how I feel 16yo brat treats him.
Grrrrr.
Last edited by LifeIsTough (9/08/2025 3:27 am)
Let them.
- Merry
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Re: I am disengaged, but I silently feel for dad.
I feel badly for my DH too. But he allowed his kids to mistreat him. Set no boundaries. Jumped on command. Provided entertainment, bailouts, money, whatever they wanted. Watching him act the fool was heartbreaking and a real turnoff.
SD is now estranged and she won’t discuss why. SS calls now and then. Hasn’t seen either in 3 years.
But part of being disengaged, part of taking care of myself, is to let them have their (non)relationships. Unless it affects me, I have nothing to say. If DH wants to talk about it, I support him but I won’t join his pity party. If he wanted to attempt to repair the relationship, I’d support him in that too but none of them want to make the effort.
- LifeIsTough
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Re: I am disengaged, but I silently feel for dad.
Merry wrote:
I feel badly for my DH too. But he allowed his kids to mistreat him. Set no boundaries. Jumped on command. Provided entertainment, bailouts, money, whatever they wanted. Watching him act the fool was heartbreaking and a real turnoff.
SD is now estranged and she won’t discuss why. SS calls now and then. Hasn’t seen either in 3 years.
But part of being disengaged, part of taking care of myself, is to let them have their (non)relationships. Unless it affects me, I have nothing to say. If DH wants to talk about it, I support him but I won’t join his pity party. If he wanted to attempt to repair the relationship, I’d support him in that too but none of them want to make the effort.
I hear you. It really is a big turn off. I've been blunt enough to say this to him, too. But he is so laid back and chill, it never registers because, it keeps happening. He only confronts when I tell him something is unacceptable. Myself and others have never known 2 brats like them. And it is because of their sh!tty, shoddy 'guilt' parenting. Guilt because their mum couldn't keep her knickers on, and guilt from dad because of the split. He's trying to keep them by .... well, not parenting. I do understand it but, it's not right. It is a road I have gone down with him many, many times and sadly, the road goes nowhere. The only saving grace is the teenager barely comes round now and the little un just started big school so shes at that age where... she wants to stay in her room, so it is getting easier and the shoddy parenting in my presence is getting less and less.
What would be even more bliss is they move away when they're older when they find what they want to get out of life. Like you i will support him but i won't join a pitty party, more like tell him thr bare truth as and when. 🙏
Last edited by LifeIsTough (9/09/2025 3:02 am)
Let them.
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Thread Starter- ESMOD
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Re: I am disengaged, but I silently feel for dad.
Life is complicated. It's possible to feel sorry for people even if they are participants in their own misery play. In the end, we all make choices, compromises and try to do our best even when presented with a set of poor options. I think that many times people are just stuck with choices that aren't easy.. or options where nothing is optimal. Sometimes people just triage things and let some things slide because they can't fight for the righteous side of good each and every time.. and sometimes the potential down side makes people accept poor treatment.
It's relatively easy to be on the outside and advocate that someone take a hard line with their kids.. when there are already forces legally and familially working against them.. and taking too hard of a line could result in total estrangement.. and while it's again easy to say.. "well cut off your toxic kid".. it's not that easy for a parent to think of doing that.. and then you have others that may judge them.. so they do the best they feel they can in a bad situation.
It's frustrating and it's sad.. and more often, I think, men are marginalized in the court system.. and relegated to paycheck status.. and then there is the matter of breeding with a toxic person that can't necessarily be "undone".. but then you are living with that fallout.
so.. yeah.. it's possible to disengage but still feel some empathy for someone dealing with a bad situation.
- MorningMia
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Re: I am disengaged, but I silently feel for dad.
When I read "MFers" I giggled. Call it like you see it!
I got to a point (for my own mental health) that I had to emotionally disengage from how DH's kids treated him (we are blessed, though, that they have always lived about 8 hours away). Wanting to work on deepening his relationship with SS about 8 years ago, DH took him on an all-expense paid trip to Key West--father and son time. He said SS was on his phone the whole time and they hardly spent any time together (SS's doing). Well, bud, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
DH began opening his eyes wider and seeing (or feeling) more of the truth after I disengaged. With me having nothing to do with the skids, he is the full recipient of their BS (although most of their ire was directed at me). He doesn't have me to fall back on. Their crap behavior is all directed at him now. I'm not the cushion.
Last edited by MorningMia (9/14/2025 11:41 am)
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
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