I felt bad for my DW for how her family treated her.  It went on for far too long.  So, I finally told her that I hurt for her but if she was not willing to do something about it that I no longer wanted to hear a word about it.  

The response to my comment at that moment was electric.  She grabbed her phone, called her brother (BIL1) and her SIL (the BovineBride) and asked them directly what their problem was and proceeded to surgically question them on a number of specific insulting events that they directed at her.   

That was the start to the end of their unconfronted crap.  After that call there was a year or two of radio silence from them.  Then the whining and playing victim started, then the family meetings started to be called, and eventually the new paradigm of reduced tolerance of their crap took hold.

There is still crap that they pull, the difference is that rather than everyone playing the blithering idiot grin fest of ignoring it, it is instantly confronted.  Of course, that confrontation is usually by us.  As soon as they start their crap everyone starts looking in our direction to see if we are going to call them on it, some of the others in the IL clan start carpet scoping and backing up to the edge of the room, others pay attention very intently.

Even my MIL who is the queen of maintaining the facade of the big happy family has started to recognize the crap and on occasion, though rarely, will call whoever is perpetrating the crap out publicly rather than just pretending like it never happened.

The benefit to the whole progression of events is that BIL1 and his BB pull their crap far less frequently since the paradigm has shifted to them facing consequences for their crap.  Not surprisingly, the BovineBride has gone all in on anxiety and stress related conditions that were never a thing before people started calling her out for her bullsh!t.  Unfortunately, my MIL on some level buys into the BovineBride's manipulative woe is me stuff that has surfaced as her manipulations have increasingly been called out.

An interesting paradox is that MIL is far more likely to call out others perpetrating comparatively insignificant crap than she is to confront BIL1 and his BovineBride's far more egregious game playing.   They are the local faction of the IL clan that on the surface fits MIL's self-delusion of cute happy family.  My SIL is currently on MIL's sh!t list for destroying MIL's bodice ripper love story of young teen love turning into a strong marriage and creating wonderful children.  SIL recently left her marriage and family for a section 8 housed girlfriend and has gone all in on the lesbian identity she has rolled out over the past few years.   MIL ignored it all until SIL finally walked out of her marriage and bandoned her kids (S-818 and D-13).  The implosion of the facade has gutted my MIL.  Now MIL is venting that she knew it when SIL cut her very long and thick hair a number of years ago and went with a "man hair cut".   As long as the facade is in place, MIL rarely will call anyone out on manipulative backstabbing crap.  But put a crack in the facade and that individual is instantly on MIL's sh!t list.

An interesting element of all of this is that my bride is incredible, we have been married for 31+ years, our son is a successful adult.  But, it is the struggling laborer kids and their families that are given the beaming looks of pride from MIL.  Mostly because she does not really understand what her eldest DD has accomplished, and.... her eldest GK (our son) is an out of the closet gay man.  That combination does not fit her narrative of the honorable struggling hard working agriculture family.   Yet, it is her eldest child who engages with MIL at a far more fundamental level than the others do.  Everyone else either bows up on the victim of the idiot boss mantra, or.... presents a strong commitment to their dreams with no actual effort to accomplish them. 




 

Rags wrote:

I felt bad for my DW for how her family treated her.  It went on for far too long.  So, I finally told her that I hurt for her but if she was not willing to do something about it that I no longer wanted to hear a word about it.  

The response to my comment at that moment was electric.  She grabbed her phone, called her brother (BIL1) and her SIL (the BovineBride) and asked them directly what their problem was and proceeded to surgically question them on a number of specific insulting events that they directed at her.   

That was the start to the end of their unconfronted crap.  After that call there was a year or two of radio silence from them.  Then the whining and playing victim started, then the family meetings started to be called, and eventually the new paradigm of reduced tolerance of their crap took hold.

There is still crap that they pull, the difference is that rather than everyone playing the blithering idiot grin fest of ignoring it, it is instantly confronted.  Of course, that confrontation is usually by us.  As soon as they start their crap everyone starts looking in our direction to see if we are going to call them on it, some of the others in the IL clan start carpet scoping and backing up to the edge of the room, others pay attention very intently.

Even my MIL who is the queen of maintaining the facade of the big happy family has started to recognize the crap and on occasion, though rarely, will call whoever is perpetrating the crap out publicly rather than just pretending like it never happened.

The benefit to the whole progression of events is that BIL1 and his BB pull their crap far less frequently since the paradigm has shifted to them facing consequences for their crap.  Not surprisingly, the BovineBride has gone all in on anxiety and stress related conditions that were never a thing before people started calling her out for her bullsh!t.  Unfortunately, my MIL on some level buys into the BovineBride's manipulative woe is me stuff that has surfaced as her manipulations have increasingly been called out.

An interesting paradox is that MIL is far more likely to call out others perpetrating comparatively insignificant crap than she is to confront BIL1 and his BovineBride's far more egregious game playing.   They are the local faction of the IL clan that on the surface fits MIL's self-delusion of cute happy family.  My SIL is currently on MIL's sh!t list for destroying MIL's bodice ripper love story of young teen love turning into a strong marriage and creating wonderful children.  SIL recently left her marriage and family for a section 8 housed girlfriend and has gone all in on the lesbian identity she has rolled out over the past few years.   MIL ignored it all until SIL finally walked out of her marriage and bandoned her kids (S-818 and D-13).  The implosion of the facade has gutted my MIL.  Now MIL is venting that she knew it when SIL cut her very long and thick hair a number of years ago and went with a "man hair cut".   As long as the facade is in place, MIL rarely will call anyone out on manipulative backstabbing crap.  But put a crack in the facade and that individual is instantly on MIL's sh!t list.

An interesting element of all of this is that my bride is incredible, we have been married for 31+ years, our son is a successful adult.  But, it is the struggling laborer kids and their families that are given the beaming looks of pride from MIL.  Mostly because she does not really understand what her eldest DD has accomplished, and.... her eldest GK (our son) is an out of the closet gay man.  That combination does not fit her narrative of the honorable struggling hard working agriculture family.   Yet, it is her eldest child who engages with MIL at a far more fundamental level than the others do.  Everyone else either bows up on the victim of the idiot boss mantra, or.... presents a strong commitment to their dreams with no actual effort to accomplish them. 




 

You both sound like an incredible team, to be fair, Rags!  I wish my partner was as strong as your wife in confronting in my case, attitude and shoddy behaviour.  Self righteousness attitudes, actually.  They are such a product of how him and her parent them that I wish and hope they find real life really hard in the coming years!

I can only think why they are so for mum and not dad, because she has this huge infidelity secret from her children, so she is doing everything she can to spoil them with money, holidays, anything they damn want, that is her making up for the lies she has a lid on.. it is like she is taking every massive opportunity dad can have with his kids, so she can be seen as they 1 and only care giver.  It really seals the deal on painting the picture of her. 

Caniving, lieing, cheating ho'!

Last edited by LifeIsTough (9/09/2025 3:19 am)

Life is complicated. It's possible to feel sorry for people even if they are participants in their own misery play. In the end, we all make choices, compromises and try to do our best even when presented with a set of poor options. I think that many times people are just stuck with choices that aren't easy.. or options where nothing is optimal. Sometimes people just triage things and let some things slide because they can't fight for the righteous side of good each and every time.. and sometimes the potential down side makes people accept poor treatment.

It's relatively easy to be on the outside and advocate that someone take a hard line with their kids.. when there are already forces legally and familially working against them.. and taking too hard of a line could result in total estrangement.. and while it's again easy to say.. "well cut off your toxic kid".. it's not that easy for a parent to think of doing that.. and then you have others that may judge them.. so they do the best they feel they can in a bad situation.

It's frustrating and it's sad.. and more often, I think, men are marginalized in the court system.. and relegated to paycheck status..  and then there is the matter of breeding with a toxic person that can't necessarily be "undone".. but then you are living with that fallout.

so.. yeah.. it's possible to disengage but still feel some empathy for someone dealing with a bad situation.

MorningMia wrote:

When I read "MFers" I giggled. Call it like you see it! 

I got to a point (for my own mental health) that I had to emotionally disengage from how DH's kids treated him (we are blessed, though, that they have always lived about 8 hours away). Wanting to work on deepening his relationship with SS about 8 years ago, DH took him on an all-expense paid trip to Key West--father and son time. He said SS was on his phone the whole time and they hardly spent any time together (SS's doing). Well, bud, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. 

DH began opening his eyes wider and seeing (or feeling) more of the truth after I disengaged. With me having nothing to do with the skids, he is the full recipient of their BS (although most of their ire was directed at me). He doesn't have me to fall back on. Their crap behavior is all directed at him now. I'm not the cushion. 

I got to the spot where SS was on his phone and ignoring his father on the Key West guy's trip.  My brain instantly went to "That phone would have been instantly taken and tossed far our into the surf of Key West."

Why do so many parents these days, particularly parents of CODs and who have newer partners put up with so much crap from kids?  Setting and enforcing standards of behavior is so much more effective and less traumatic for everyone.  Tolerating this kind of crap is good for no one. Particularly not the rude self-absorbed kids.

And I will mention. Why do these spineless failed family breeder parents not see how nauseating and revolting the spineless breeder parent in the blend can become to their partner?

History is zero excuse for crap behavior. Behaviors are choices.  Certainly, younger kids are less evolved in this comprehension, but.... even the young ones need to be held to behavioral standards.  Older ones should be addressed with zero tolerance for deviating from standards.

Your SKid's disrespect and dismissal of his father on that trip chapped my arse.  Your DH not instantly invoking misery on that crap spawn chapped my butt even more.