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1 of 1- step-out
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How to be a Step"GMA" when disengaged?
I don't even know what to do.... I have had HIGH conflict with SD for over a decade, and things just get worse as I set boundaries of disengaging. I'm really trying hard to disengage, and not have to communicate with SD30, that has been nothing but a tragedy for too long. I said, "stick with disengagement", that's so not easy. If you're dealing with a narcissist and a DH who is also a narcissist, you're going to have a really hard time sticking. Have any of you dealt yet with as SD (which seems to be the highest conflict), whom you really don't get along with, who gets pregnant and demands attention? This girl is crazy, and I'm not kidding... How do I get excited when there's so much conflict already?? I feel like I'm being sucked into something that I claimed not healthy? I'm venting big time... is this really how I have to live the rest of my life?
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Re: How to be a Step"GMA" when disengaged?
I cannot imagine trying to fake excitement over her pregnancy. Why can't you treat her like a pregnant coworker you dislike: Polite, but distant. Let grandpa suck up to SD.
- ImperfectlyPerfect
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Re: How to be a Step"GMA" when disengaged?
Exactly what Aniki stated- One of SKIDs has children now and I was treated horribly as I usually am- showed up, ignored, treated like garbage. I wasn't surprised but it gave me an "out" for NO involvement. I think you should let DH handle this and stay the hell out. I have not felt one twinge of guilt staying uninvolved, in fact I haven't even seen a photo of the kids nor would I recognize them on the street. It's allowed me to not have to deal with leverage, control or getting attached and then having the kids ripped away. I already know they will turn out like mommy and daddy- they will learn to see me as garbage too. Life is too short. Let DH handle this relationship and stay out of it. You'll be relieved.
I also want to note when the first GSKID came I felt this same feeling - I was fearful of what demands would be placed upon me and unwritten expectations. Their behavior allowed me to just follow the direction- they did not include me on anything baby related and when I did show up after summoned to see the baby they treated me very badly so that was it. I saw the writing on the wall and I leveraged their behavior as a reminder why there is NO relationship, NO connection and whenever DH brings it up "BUT I just want the family TOGETHER" I have to take a DEEP breath, get super angry inside and then repeat the dogmatic ballad: "Their behavior is why we are where we are." END. PERIOD. STOP.
Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (8/27/2026 11:01 am)
- JRI
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Re: How to be a Step"GMA" when disengaged?
I agree with Imperfectlyperfect. Take the SK's lead. If they don't want you involved you can stay out or just do what you want to. Two of my SKs have children. SD wanted me involved as far as gifts or as a substitute GM, like when the school held Grandparent Day and BM didn't go. I did the gifts, also did some vacation outings and Christmas cookies. My reason was that I was prepared to make the same effort as I did for my own GKs since parity has always been an issue in our family. SS lived out of town. He visited at Christmas and I did my thing and they invited us up yearly. But, I could tell he felt all those were obligations to DH and I was just along for the ride. It's fine, my relations with the step GKs range from almost nothing to warm but distant. It's all ok.
- Merry
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Re: How to be a Step"GMA" when disengaged?
The grands add a whole new layer, don’t they?
Back when SD and I were “trying” to get along, she allowed me to be grandma-like. I got reasonably close to grandkid #1. #2 and 3 wouldn’t know DH or me if we were in the same room. He sends them money for birthdays and gushes over photos. That’s it.
I sort of hope to reconnect with #1 when he’s out of his parents’ house. College didn’t work out so he moved back home. I hope he gets a place of his own but I doubt he will any time soon.
I don’t initiate contact with SD or SS and that extends to the grands. DH can connect however he wants to, but he’s been rebuffed so many times that he’s just a distant wallet now.
- StandingStrong
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Re: How to be a Step"GMA" when disengaged?
I also agree with Imperfectly.
I was shunned for the announcement of the first grandkid for DH. Done at his retirement party with my kids, family and friends who got to witness it. That was my point for completely disengaging from SKs.
Seven years later, multiple grandkids. I have zero bond with the ones I’ve met. I’m kind and civil. Nothing was ever done or said to try to mend things so today, I’m simple Ms. StandingStrong. I have no contact unless they visit DH and being out of state, it’s rare. I do not do any “grandmother” things for the kids. That’s DHs job. And like Imperfectly, I would not recognize any of DHs grands. Even he rarely sees them.
I would just let your DH handle it all and stay out of it. My one concern was to get attached to a child(ren) and then have them ripped away from me. No worries with DHs toxic crew…LOL.
- MorningMia
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Re: How to be a Step"GMA" when disengaged?
As Standing Strong said, I was concerned (and knew/felt this) about getting attached to the grands only to have them turned against me, used as weapons, as were SD and SS. I learned this with the first grandchild when toxic BM and SD used baby shower photos as weapons (again) toward SM (me).
My life is better & calmer not having any of this toxic sludge in my life.
DH visits them now and then. Thankfully, they live pretty far away.
I don't even sign holiday and birthday cards at this point. Done.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.