Step Chat - a safe place where stepparents can vent » Unexpected visitors

Aniki-Moderator · 7/08/2026 1:28 pm

DH and I were both raised that you do not just stop by; it's rude for a number of reasons AND the household might not be 'open' to drop-ins. The residents could already have guests. Someone could be ill or recovering from illness/surgery. They might be in the middle of renovations. Any number of things.

One of my cousins is INCENSED that we were not available when she and her hubby came into town. For one, we had no idea that was happening. The first time, she left a note on the door. I saw it 4 days later when our neighbor found it in her yard. The second time, both cars were there, but we were NOT. It was a beautiful day so we grabbed fishing gear (DH) and a book (me) and walked to the nearest fishing hole (drive is 2x longer than the walk). I learned about that second attempted invasion when her brother emailed me.

I haven't seen this cousin in 20+ years. When she happened to be at the same tavern as me and my then-bf and proceeded to flirt with then-bf and rub her br3asts against his arm in front of her H.

I haven't replied to Mr. Cousin's email (I'm notorious for being horribly slow to respond to emails). That side of the family doesn’t have my phone number (and I'd be furious if one of my siblings gave it to them). My Dad always says "they weren't raised right" as they've (3) all been in trouble and wild forever.

What are your feelings on unexpected visitors and how do you handle them?

Kes · 7/09/2026 12:19 am

I don't think your cousin has the right to be "incensed" that you were out - they dropped by unexpectedly so had to take their chances. I prefer people - either friends or relations - to let me know if they want to come so I can buy a cake! It does sound as if maybe you were quite pleased that these people missed you, anyway, so an all round good result, I would say!

LittleTypeAmy · 7/09/2026 6:53 am

Glad I'm not the only one who feels showing up totally unannounced is inconsiderate.
Especially when there are such things as phones that still exist, even cells, so there is no reason why someone cant just take a minute to pick it up call or text to check in advance or better yet, just don't show up without any kind of invitation communicated.
For me, it just seems like an entitlement thing, ( especially when relatives you really would rather not hang out with show up) As if people have so little respect for your time, space and privacy to feel like everyone has to just drop everything on a time to pay attention to THEM, because their time is more important that yours, , I cant stand people who just insist upon themselves like that.since to IMO it is the definition of being rude too.

ESMOD · 7/09/2026 9:06 am

People you haven't seen in 20 years... don't even have a phone communication with them? I think there should have been zero expectation that you would be home and available to socialize with them.

I'm wondering whether they were hoping for a free place to overstay their welcome?

I guess perhaps the only way I might contact someone would be if I was driving through their town and had some kind of emergency.. breakdown and needed help.. but I wouldn't have been angry they weren't around.

Merry · 7/10/2026 8:41 am

My niece (who I like) asked if she could stay with us as they passed through our town. Sure, of course. She never mentioned a date or other specifics so I didn’t think about it again.

A couple of months later I got a phone call when they were two hours out. Them, another couple and their child, and a dog. Happily, we were in the midst of a bathroom remodel and DH and I were using the guest room. So sorry.

I did take them a six pack of local beer to their hotel room. She was fine. Her husband was chilly. They are no longer together—he needed to be the center of attention. I don’t think he had a stepparent but clearly had the playbook.

Aniki-Moderator · 7/11/2026 3:01 pm

Kes wrote:
I don't think your cousin has the right to be "incensed" that you were out - they dropped by unexpectedly so had to take their chances. I prefer people - either friends or relations - to let me know if they want to come so I can buy a cake! It does sound as if maybe you were quite pleased that these people missed you, anyway, so an all round good result, I would say!

None of our friends entertain at home. We always go to a restaurant/tavern or an outdoor venue (beach, park, campground). I suppose because most of us have small homes!

What kind of cake?

Aniki-Moderator · 7/11/2026 3:05 pm

LittleTypeAmy wrote:
Glad I'm not the only one who feels showing up totally unannounced is inconsiderate.
Especially when there are such things as phones that still exist, even cells, so there is no reason why someone cant just take a minute to pick it up call or text to check in advance or better yet, just don't show up without any kind of invitation communicated.
For me, it just seems like an entitlement thing, ( especially when relatives you really would rather not hang out with show up) As if people have so little respect for your time, space and privacy to feel like everyone has to just drop everything on a time to pay attention to THEM, because their time is more important that yours, , I cant stand people who just insist upon themselves like that.since to IMO it is the definition of being rude too.

Reading this makes me feel better! She wouldn't have been able to call since she doesn't have my phone number.
She left hers. But had I done that and never received a call or text, I wouldn't have returned.

Aniki-Moderator · 7/11/2026 3:07 pm

ESMOD wrote:
People you haven't seen in 20 years... don't even have a phone communication with them? I think there should have been zero expectation that you would be home and available to socialize with them.

I'm wondering whether they were hoping for a free place to overstay their welcome?

I guess perhaps the only way I might contact someone would be if I was driving through their town and had some kind of emergency.. breakdown and needed help.. but I wouldn't have been angry they weren't around.

That side of the family has a strange sense of entitlement along with their poor manners. It's possible they wanted a free place to stay, but they would've been SOL!

Aniki-Moderator · 7/11/2026 3:10 pm

Merry wrote:
My niece (who I like) asked if she could stay with us as they passed through our town. Sure, of course. She never mentioned a date or other specifics so I didn’t think about it again.

A couple of months later I got a phone call when they were two hours out. Them, another couple and their child, and a dog. Happily, we were in the midst of a bathroom remodel and DH and I were using the guest room. So sorry.

I did take them a six pack of local beer to their hotel room. She was fine. Her husband was chilly. They are no longer together—he needed to be the center of attention. I don’t think he had a stepparent but clearly had the playbook.

It would never cross my mind to bring extra people. AND a dog?! Holy wah!

Kes · 7/12/2026 12:35 am

Aniki-Moderator wrote:
Kes wrote:
I don't think your cousin has the right to be "incensed" that you were out - they dropped by unexpectedly so had to take their chances. I prefer people - either friends or relations - to let me know if they want to come so I can buy a cake! It does sound as if maybe you were quite pleased that these people missed you, anyway, so an all round good result, I would say!
None of our friends entertain at home. We always go to a restaurant/tavern or an outdoor venue (beach, park, campground). I suppose because most of us have small homes!

What kind of cake?

Lol, any sort - I am partial to carrot cake with a lot of icing! I am a good cook and I'm always happy to cook for visiitors but I hate baking.

Aniki-Moderator · 7/12/2026 12:42 am

Kes wrote:
Aniki-Moderator wrote:
Kes wrote:
I don't think your cousin has the right to be "incensed" that you were out - they dropped by unexpectedly so had to take their chances. I prefer people - either friends or relations - to let me know if they want to come so I can buy a cake! It does sound as if maybe you were quite pleased that these people missed you, anyway, so an all round good result, I would say!
None of our friends entertain at home. We always go to a restaurant/tavern or an outdoor venue (beach, park, campground). I suppose because most of us have small homes!

What kind of cake?

Lol, any sort - I am partial to carrot cake with a lot of icing! I am a good cook and I'm always happy to cook for visiitors but I hate baking.

The best carrot cake I ever ate had bits of pineapple in it.

MorningMia · 7/21/2026 5:30 am

Holy . . . xo!(!!

Yea, unexpected visitors are a big no. One of my sisters did this--drove 8 hours for a "doctor's appointment," then contacted me when she was 15 minutes out from my home (she didn't have my address--we had recently moved in).

My brother and I knew it was a "scouting" trip, as she was within a year or two of losing her house (not paying her mortgage) and wanted to check out our place as a living option (hell no).

I had visitors that weekend, anyway, so I didn't lie when I said there was no room for her to stay over.
She drove home angry. (Shrug.)

Ugh...rubbing breasts on boyfriends.

Last edited by MorningMia (7/21/2026 5:32 am)

Aniki-Moderator · 7/21/2026 9:42 am

MorningMia wrote:
Holy . . . xo!(!!

Yea, unexpected visitors are a big no. One of my sisters did this--drove 8 hours for a "doctor's appointment," then contacted me when she was 15 minutes out from my home (she didn't have my address--we had recently moved in).

My brother and I knew it was a "scouting" trip, as she was within a year or two of losing her house (not paying her mortgage) and wanted to check out our place as a living option (hell no).

I had visitors that weekend, anyway, so I didn't lie when I said there was no room for her to stay over.
She drove home angry. (Shrug.)

Ugh...rubbing breasts on boyfriends.

8 hours?! Wow. Perfect example of a ridiculous expectation.

Ugh indeed. Quite obvious why I want nothing to do with her.

MorningMia · 7/23/2026 6:02 am

Aniki-Moderator wrote:
MorningMia wrote:
Holy . . . xo!(!!

Yea, unexpected visitors are a big no. One of my sisters did this--drove 8 hours for a "doctor's appointment," then contacted me when she was 15 minutes out from my home (she didn't have my address--we had recently moved in).

My brother and I knew it was a "scouting" trip, as she was within a year or two of losing her house (not paying her mortgage) and wanted to check out our place as a living option (hell no).

I had visitors that weekend, anyway, so I didn't lie when I said there was no room for her to stay over.
She drove home angry. (Shrug.)

Ugh...rubbing breasts on boyfriends.
8 hours?! Wow. Perfect example of a ridiculous expectation.

Ugh indeed. Quite obvious why I want nothing to do with her.

Yes, 8 hours . . . to a "naturopath" who had his license to practice whatever he was practicing yanked (read: he was the only person in any medical-related community along the east coast who fed her hypochondria--$$--so it was worth the drive and out-of-pocket expenses when she "couldn't" pay her mortgage). Funny, though: She hasn't seen him since. The sense of entitlement out of these kinds of people is off the charts.