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1 of 1- Tryingjusttrying
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Scapegoated because I'm the safe person?
I wanted to see what you all thought of my analysis. For whatever reason, I dredged up memories from a long distant past that I almost forgot. When I first met SS, he actually saw me as a safe person. I remember in particular a trip to an adventure park we took early on. At the time, dh was divorced for about a year and a half, and it seemed to me that he had some pent up anger and aggression from his marriage. BM is narcissistic and callous, and it left DH very love starved and angry. But very concerningly, DH directed some of that towards SS. In the guise of "play", dh would push SS hard against the walls and stuff, and I could see that SS was a little scared. I would say jokingly but loudly, 'geez, can we stop with the violence!' DH thought it was harmless horseplay and said SS liked it, but relented and promised to ease up for my benefit.
During that time, SS who was about 14 yo, would cling to me. That's the part that I almost totally forgot about!! On the drive to this amusement park, I had been talking up the fact that I was going to start on the kiddie roller coaster because it takes me a while to warm up to the scarier rides. DH boasted about jumping right into the big rides. SS said he sided with me, so we all started on the kiddie roller coaster. When it was our turn, I got into one roller coaster car and dh got into another. I fully expected SS to hop in with dh, but surprisingly, he jumped into mine. So we go for the ride, and after it's done, we decide to go for another round. But dh turns to me and says a bit irritated, 'can I please ride with MY son?' I'm like 'of course'. I mean, I didn't even ask SS to ride in my car! So, was dh feeling a little jealous? I wonder if that played a part in the wedge that eventually formed between me and SS.
I can honestly say that in the beginning, I was very invested in SS's welfare. I'm usually very invested in the young people in my life, and am super close with my nephews and friends' kids. It was only after a long period of absolute disrespect and aggression before I started to disengage from SS. This is my assessment: Both SS and DH saw me as the mommy who they felt safe with. As some psychologists would point out, you have to feel safe in order to be able to express anger and frustration, so that's what they did towards me in a way that they never could with BM. After a while, it morphed into scapegoating. Whenever anything went wrong, they channeled their frustrations and anger at me. It doesn't matter what I did or say, I was always going to be the fall guy. That explains why up until I exploded last year, dh was still acting like everything was my fault. Every time SS got mad at me or did something awful to me, DH would come after ME. He would tell me that it was because I wasn't nice enough or understanding enough or my attitude was bad. Meanwhile, not once, no matter how awful BM was to SS did dh call her out. He would instead make excuses for her. It makes me dizzy to think about the hypocricy. In any case, I've decided that I'm never going back to being the punching bag. If dh ever starts to slide back into scapegoating me, I don't think I'm staying. But it's wild to think how differently it all was in the beginning. It's really crappy to think that I got all of this bad junk thrown at me because I was actually trying to be nice.
- Kes
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Re: Scapegoated because I'm the safe person?
The second sad story I've read on here today (the first was MorningMia's). I believe all we step mothers started off trying to be nice. I can remember thinking when I met DH - well, he has 2 daughters - I'd raised 2 daughters successfully so I thought - haha - how hard can it be? That was the beginning of the nightmare years and I gradually disengaged until I was doing nothing with DH and the SDs whatsoever.
Incidentally, if I had been your DH when SS wanted to ride with you - I'd have been ultra delighted that you and he were bonding - not resentful because he wanted a go!
- JRI
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Re: Scapegoated because I'm the safe person?
Yes, I felt we got the "testing" behavior from the SKs, too, cuz we were strong enough to take it. BM was an unstable person, liable to cutting, explosive reactions.
- ImperfectlyPerfect
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Re: Scapegoated because I'm the safe person?
Yep. Most of us stepmothers start out nice - I too came in with wanting to support, not overstep, be REALLY good and give these SKIDs an incredible life full of travel, extra things and not having kids of my own I thought this is my chance to make a small difference! I wasn't overzealous but I certainly was a YES machine for a long time never wanting to disappoint the two princes. Certainly, not here to replace mom just here to be a bonus and help where it's needed. Some might think I came in for DH's money! NOPE, I had my own and DH had none. Then others would say well..I came in for the house- NOPE, I had a beuatiful home that I parted with to live in a less than stellar establishment. I was perfectly capable independent with no debt besides a mortgage and handling all of my own responsibilities. There was no ulterior motive. So I thought this is perfect - I can be that positive bonus step mom and it will all work out.
BOY was that idealistic attitude WRONG.
I became nicer and nicer as they became more selfish and difficult - I really believed that it was just "phases" that if I model good behavior and I just try harder somehow they will be better. My niceness got used and abused- I found that it just kept getting more and more difficult to please the princes. Boundaries would be stepped on - commandeering common spaces like the kitchen was a stepson favorite, taking over the TV, doing WHATEVER they wanted even punching holes in the walls. I paid for so much clean up. I even lived in a house that one stepson picked out with DH - I hated it but it didn't matter it was stepson's favoritest so we stayed.
I started snapping after about 10 years in- I began to realize that they are now young adults and everyone is treating me as an ATM, an object that is annoying to deal with and no one legitimately cares about what I want, need, etc. THat's when the nice stuff stopped - NO you will not pick out the carpet color, NO we will not let you have the house and we will move elsewhere, NO you're not going to tell stepmom how she needs to handle her finances and DEMAND that she forks over her hard-earned money for you to get another car, take a vacation overseas, buy your own starter home , etc. I went from being nice to disengaged and now I hardly even interact. Because nice people get to a point where they realize they need to be KIND not nice and that means no more bending over backwards for these SKIDs who've historically been cruel, negative and selfish. The step mom starts putting all her energy into being kind to herself and to those who deserve it.
End of story (for now) is these life circumstances of the stepmom could turn her bitter, angry and forever resentful -for me I was ALL those things but I harnessed the bitterness, anger and resentful feelings into SELF LOVE and the journey has been incredible. I am more discerning with relationships and I don't put myself dead last for others anymore.
Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (Yesterday 2:17 pm)
- Tryingjusttrying
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Re: Scapegoated because I'm the safe person?
Thanks, Kes. You would think that dh would appreciate that his son felt safe with me. It's an interesting contrast to the present because though dh claims that he wants us to get along, it seems clear that in the beginning, dh had a certain insecurity about us getting too close. I do wonder if subconsciously dh made choices that contributed to the current state of affairs.
Yes, JRI, testing too. I agree that kids feel comfortable testing only when the parent seems strong enough to take it. It's good for them to ultimately gain a sense of their independence from that process. I think that for us, dh could have responded in more ways that showed SS what was and what was not acceptable. Some of SS's testing lead to outcomes that made the situation worse for me. He learned that if he pushed the envelope of disrespecting me, he could often get away with it!
Wow, ImperfectlyPerfect, you guys made A LOT of sacrifices for the kiddos. Too much! Add to that, their responses of ingratitude and non-reciprocation, of course you would become angry and resentful! I totally agree with you that you have to listen to and harness your anger because it's telling you something. It's good that you're using that energy to take actions to protect yourself and promote your own welfare. I heard something in a podcast recently that I thought was super helpful for me because I sometimes have trouble looking out for myself. It said something like you have to stop giving to the other when it creates a conflict between your duty to yourself and the duty to the other. If things are so bad that you have to choose between your own welfare OR that of another, the choice is obvious. You can't help yourself or anybody else if you sink yourself. I tend to be murky about this issue. I sometimes don't know how to draw a boundary when it comes to helping other people, but that really clarified things for me. When you start feeling stepped on, you have no obligation to help that other person step on you. It's so crazy to me that we can be convinced to do things that would harm ourselves, but I know for me it has a lot to do with my upbringing. At least we're learning to do better and I've said this before, I'm actually grateful that SS tested me in this way because I fear that I would not have challenged the self-harming tendencies in myself otherwise!
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Thread Starter- MorningMia
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Re: Scapegoated because I'm the safe person?
Rotten people mistake kindness for weakness and try to take advantage. Then they get really p.o.ed when we defend ourselves, draw boundaries, and put a stop to the scapegoating and abuse.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Thinkthrice
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Re: Scapegoated because I'm the safe person?
Stepmom is very similar to landlording, I've found. You start out with the best intentions, give the benefit of the doubt, try to make everything perfect, then you get crap thrown in your face. Soon you are at IDGAF.
- StandingStrong
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Re: Scapegoated because I'm the safe person?
That was me....the nice lady. Did everything I could to be kind, loving, not overstepping, etc. Every...and I mean every act of kindness was later met with toxic behaviors. I did try confronting the bad behaviors then, only to be told "I misunderstood" their actions. Text book gaslighting. I broke in year 12 of the marriage. Told DH I was done and he could see his kids away from our home, per our counselor's suggestion. And that is how the last 8 years have been. Only last year did I begin a bit of integration with a few. And it's on MY terms now.
I like what Thinkthrice said...it's like a landlord relationship. I've been a landlord...yeah...could care less now. And while several of DHs kids would want more now, I have nothing to give but civil and superficial. I'm still a nice lady. And a giving person. I just choose to give that part of me to humans who are deserving.