Yes, I felt we got the "testing" behavior from the SKs, too, cuz we were strong enough to take it.  BM was an unstable person, liable to cutting, explosive reactions.

Thanks, Kes. You would think that dh would appreciate that his son felt safe with me. It's an interesting contrast to the present because though dh claims that he wants us to get along, it seems clear that in the beginning, dh had a certain insecurity about us getting too close. I do wonder if subconsciously dh made choices that contributed to the current state of affairs.

Yes, JRI, testing too. I agree that kids feel comfortable testing only when the parent seems strong enough to take it. It's good for them to ultimately gain a sense of their independence from that process. I think that for us, dh could have responded in more ways that showed SS what was and what was not acceptable. Some of SS's testing lead to outcomes that made the situation worse for me. He learned that if he pushed the envelope of disrespecting me, he could often get away with it!

Wow, ImperfectlyPerfect, you guys made A LOT of sacrifices for the kiddos. Too much! Add to that, their responses of ingratitude and non-reciprocation,  of course you would become angry and resentful! I totally agree with you that you have to listen to and harness your anger because it's telling you something. It's good that you're using that energy to take actions to protect yourself and promote your own welfare. I heard something in a podcast recently that I thought was super helpful for me because I sometimes have trouble looking out for myself. It said something like you have to stop giving to the other when it creates a conflict between your duty to yourself and the duty to the other. If things are so bad that you have to choose between your own welfare OR that of another, the choice is obvious. You can't help yourself or anybody else if you sink yourself. I tend to be murky about this issue. I sometimes don't know how to draw a boundary when it comes to helping other people, but that really clarified things for me. When you start feeling stepped on, you have no obligation to help that other person step on you. It's so crazy to me that we can be convinced to do things that would harm ourselves, but I know for me it has a lot to do with my upbringing. At least we're learning to do better and I've said this before, I'm actually grateful that SS tested me in this way because I fear that I would not have challenged the self-harming tendencies in myself otherwise!

Stepmom is very similar to landlording, I've found.  You start out with the best intentions, give the benefit of the doubt, try to make everything perfect, then you get crap thrown in your face.  Soon you are at IDGAF.

Great insights!

MorningMia, I do think that SS saw me as a "soft touch". I look back and shudder because I remember telling DH how sweet I thought SS was when I first starting hanging out with them. He told me that I haven't see his real side yet. I thought, 'how bad could it be, he's only 14 yo?' Little did I realize that it really was a show that SS could turn on and off, even his voice got a pitch higher when he was being "sweet". I didn't have and still do not have any experience with that level of duplicity in a teen or maybe in anyone I've ever met. He did it to soften you up, to make you want to do things for him. To SS, kindness is a weakness to exploit. So either you accept being used or stay away. Interestingly enough, I find that SS is quite naive in many ways, easily being duped into internet and bitcoin schemes. That's just how things are done in his world.

ThinkThrice, I like that analogy of the landlord. I think that's an apt analogy because if you don't have a bond, the whole thing is just transactional, and you're not the one getting any benefit. But without that bond, it's just hard to see the incentive to let them continue to use you.

StandingStrong, I understand what you're saying. You lasted a lot longer than I did before "breaking"! You can't do better than making an effort for 12 years. Glad you got the right advice from the right counselors. One thing I was surprised about in marriage counseling was how much they supported my point of view. I was expecting them to criticize me, but I was so fed up that I was willing to fight with them. But they recognized that my objectives were very basic - I was just looking for dignity and safety. It's hard to do much else if a person doesn't have those. DH was quite surprised because in his mind, he was on the righteous path of protecting his child which is why he wanted to switch counselors after the first one. But  the second one was not having it either!  I'm curious about how you approached reintegrating your SKs into your life. Maybe one day you could post about that. If you posted about it on the other board, I don't remember.