StandingStrong wrote:

Oh well. Sorry, SD. Our cabin is not available. We will miss you this year.

After 20+ years in Step Hell, I’ve set my boundaries and expectations and I do not waver.

That would be my boundary!

Yes keep your peace and sanity - your cabin will be your sanctuary. Be good if DH was the one to declare the news rather then good ole' stepmom. DH should pass this written statement along. 

First of all, I agree.  So sorry, SD our cabin won't work or you.

But, playing devil's advocate, everybody has their financial priorities.  I'm sure my family hasn't always understood mine and I certainly don't understand theirs.  It's just reality.   Vacationing with you and DH isn't high on SD list.  I understand it has a lot of meaning for you, though.  So, enjoy what you have and let it go in peace.

There is not space in our cabin.  Maybe you could vector some of your hair extension and Ozempic money to a vacation fund so your family can attend next year.  

Then... release the hold on the second cabin or recruit another family to take OzExtensions SD's place.

We cannot and never should light ourselves on fire to keep toxic people warm.  Nor should we deny ourselves or the quality people in our lives experiences and opportunities to cater to toxic people and their feelings.

For a significant period early in our marriage my DW was all about being kind and not rocking the boat with the SpermClan regarding anything and everything to do with my SS.  Even more sadly, it was much the same with my IL clan. Her own family.  It took time but eventually she came to clarity that enough was enough and that it was not her job to cater to any of them and their manipulative toxicity.  That was the shift when they and their crap that had been tolerated became zero tolerance and they learned to do what they were told when they were told to do it or suffer. Their choice.   Not smoothening any of them liked then and still do not like, but over time they, the SpermClan learned that sticking their tongue in the light socket of toxicity and manipulation hurt and the more they did it, the more it hurt.  So, eventually they crawled back into their hole under the slime covered rock at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool.  

The process and continuously evolving outcome with my IL clan has been less intense than the situation with the SpermClan ever was.  Though it has lasted far longer.  The historic and usually toxic and manipulative in my IL clan have mellowed over the decades but as the saying goes about leopards, at the core they have not changed their stripes ().  Interestingly, the generational tolerance for that type of behavior and of continuously whitewashing the facade of the close and happy family has evolved to a position where the toxic are no longer tolerated with a smile and are dealt with by any number of IL clan members.  My DW is the one that reached the point where enough was enough and started calling out her own family on their stuff.  From day one of our 3+ decade marriage we have been side by side dealing with the SpermClan and with my IL clan.  DW takes the lead, but everyone knows that anything and everything is she and I together.  

We did not PAS my SS against his SpermClan.  He learned from his own experiences with them and after reaching adulthood and having to deal with being their target has zero to do with the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan.  He has also adopted a very similar position with my IL clan.  He does not like how they behave toward his mom and has little to nothing to do with them.  Neiither the SpermClan nor the IL clan likes being shoved to the margins.  Though both groups know why they are tolerated only at the margins and that they are there by their own choice of behaviors and actions.  They know, because we never fail to remind them when they attempt to resurrect their historical toxicity and manipulation.  We forgive, but we have never and will never forget that they are who and what they are.

They have a place if they do as they are told.  For many years my wife/we would jump through our assess backwards to engage and include.  When enough was enough we started telling.  We told them what we were doing, when we were doing it, and invited them with clearly communicated conditions and boundaries.

Never forget that unconditional love does not require unconditional tolerance of toxic behavior.

Enjoy the lake. 

The only other somewhat compromise you might entertain is that if your DH gives her family a decent amount for christmas.. the response could be.. Well, DH can pick up the tab and it will be  your family present this year... that is absolutely if it is 1. affordable, 2. in line with his typical gifting that he makes (and you make to your own bio family) 3. You would be able to tolerate them being present.

If you don't want them there.. then the "oh.. so sorry we will miss you" is best.