Step Chat - a safe place where stepparents can vent » The colossal s-show

MorningMia · 4/06/2026 7:04 am

DH was fed the line(s) that the skids were geniuses who were unusually talented, skilled, amazing. Superb. Superior. The skids acted like they were all of that, which made them even more unpleasant to be around, but as life went on, their incredible bucket-fulls of dysfunction began overflowing.

SS, who appeared to be the one who was "the real loser" outshined SD for years in the dysfunction department, but SD has now surpassed him. Long story short: Her home life, marriage, living situation is apparently at the edge of being completely unmanageable, her/their plans (that they invested $$$ in) are going down the drain because of her husband's unwillingness to work a job that will help support his family of soon-to-be 5 kids, and there are major crises in the home surrounding the adopted child who they never allow to forget that she is adopted and truly not "one of them."

It was always rare for SD to tell DH anything that was really going on her in life because of the picture they were told to paint. BM was insistent on appearing to be in total control and the mom of the year. A lot was hidden from him for many years. It's only sheer desperation (and/or wanting/needing $$$, which is often the case with her) that would drive SD to tell him any of this.

We all make mistakes, of course. All of us have made some terribly wrong decisions in our lives. But I am endlessly surprised that the "geniuses" have made such bad ones, and so chronically. And I know the common thread is their mother's "guidance" (she is all about early marriage, having grands, and God taking care of everything, so don't worry) as well as disallowing DH to have knowledge of what was really going on in their lives or to have input (or for the skids to accept any guidance or input from him).

The good thing is that DH has distanced himself. He is very clear about where his lines are. He told SD he was sorry for what is going on and he gave her two pieces of advice: Stop having babies; and Your husband needs to get a real job. We both look back and talk about how sad it is that we weren't "allowed" to be influences in their lives or to even be there for support, but we also openly recognize that DH did not push hard enough or insist on playing a more integral role in their lives--it was not my role to ensure that happened, although I did push for it early on.

So, we are here. We are, as they always wanted, separated from their lives. And now "they" probably need support more than they have at many other times. But. The wall is there. They built it. We are clear about that.

Last edited by MorningMia (4/06/2026 7:08 am)

Aniki-Moderator · 4/06/2026 10:12 am

FIVE kids. We can't afford our lifestyle, but can make babies like it's our job. 🤦🏼‍♀️
So glad you have that wall!

Kes · 4/06/2026 11:33 am

Yes, I recognise a lot of what you're saying from our own lives. Not being allowed to be involved in SDs' lives, only being fed the positive things etc. BM in control and that included the minds of her daughters.
It's actually been changing lately as finally - SD31 and SD29 have realised what a sh!tty mother their mother is, and are turning more to DH. Too late for me and SD31, from whom I've been estranged these last 4 yrs. However, I agreed to go with DH on Good Friday, to London to paint a room in SD29's flat, before it can be re-let. (SD is doing a further degree in Exeter). I also successfully cleaned her disgusting toilet which looked like it had a decade's worth of scale in it. SD29 actually WhatsApp'd me thanking me for my efforts. So who knows? Maybe it's not too late for me and her.

MorningMia · 4/06/2026 12:12 pm

Aniki-Moderator wrote:
FIVE kids. We can't afford our lifestyle, but can make babies like it's our job. 🤦🏼‍♀️
So glad you have that wall!

It is pure insanity.

MorningMia · 4/06/2026 12:18 pm

Kes wrote:
Yes, I recognise a lot of what you're saying from our own lives. Not being allowed to be involved in SDs' lives, only being fed the positive things etc. BM in control and that included the minds of her daughters.
It's actually been changing lately as finally - SD31 and SD29 have realised what a sh!tty mother their mother is, and are turning more to DH. Too late for me and SD31, from whom I've been estranged these last 4 yrs. However, I agreed to go with DH on Good Friday, to London to paint a room in SD29's flat, before it can be re-let. (SD is doing a further degree in Exeter). I also successfully cleaned her disgusting toilet which looked like it had a decade's worth of scale in it. SD29 actually WhatsApp'd me thanking me for my efforts. So who knows? Maybe it's not too late for me and her.

I admire the kids who are willing and able to cut through the fog and see the truth. I was certain SS would do that (as he was rebellious against toxic BM early on) and I did have some hope for SD, but over here, it's all sealed. 100% devotion to insanity and dysfunction.

ImperfectlyPerfect · 4/06/2026 1:17 pm

Awwww the talented, super skilled and superior act with SKIDs. I was told this too- they are superhuman, they are geniuses, best of the best. Fact was growing up I saw average and certainly little effort in applying themselves. I let it all just sit there until they became adults to see what happened. There is still talk about their incredibleness but now I have a barometer - myself at that age as a young lady. These men had so many advantages that hung right in front of their faces and they slapped each and every single opportunity away. Positive thing is they both work and now support themselves but far cry from genius high powered people, just average run of the mill people with issues they try to project on to me- hard to do these days since I stay far away. I too let them build the wall brick by brick and although I didn't build the wall I have no intent of letting that wall come down- I like it far and separate, minimal engagement when necessary. However I do promote DH doing what he thinks is best and I stand out of the way- as long as it doesn't impact my boundaries (time, space and resources).

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (4/06/2026 1:21 pm)

Rags · 4/06/2026 3:47 pm

There is a big difference between making a mistake and repeatedly perpetrating the same manipulative self-aggrandizing ridiculousness while expecting a different result then blaming the outcome on others and demonizing others for one's personal failures.

This surfaced very early in our marriage with my IL clan. My FIL invested heaviliy of himself to try to avoid anyone actually confronting and addressing the issue. That, would have been mean in the context of my IL clan's multigenerational dynamic. Doing well is an affront to everyone else in the family. Analysis and solving problems are not nice, are hurtful, and to be avoided at all costs even when a solution is simple and costs nothing and not solving it while eternally tolerating it is incredibly and repeatedly expensive. Not just in emotional costs, but in financial costs.

It may sound trite, and a bit snarky, but... Dr. Phil's "And how is that working out for you?" is a model that IMHO needs to be adopted any time these types ply their manipulative avoidant choices.

For my ILs it was not a position of marketing their kids as geniouses or super performers. For them it was simply abdicating their responsibilities as parents which took, the form of "We raised our kids to make their own decisions and to be independent at 18." Other than my DW, my IL's kids are at best marginally functional semi-adults in their late 30s to mid 40s. Marred to partners who are nearly mirrors of them capability wise. It is sad.

I fear for our IL clan nieces and nephews. Though a couple of them are showing promise. Even with that possibility, I will not hold my breath until they actually accomplish something for themselves.

Last edited by Rags (4/06/2026 3:54 pm)

Rags · 4/06/2026 3:59 pm

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:
Awwww the talented, super skilled and superior act with SKIDs. I was told this too- they are superhuman, they are geniuses, best of the best. Fact was growing up I saw average and certainly little effort in applying themselves. I let it all just sit there until they became adults to see what happened. There is still talk about their incredibleness but now I have a barometer - myself at that age as a young lady. These men had so many advantages that hung right in front of their faces and they slapped each and every single opportunity away. Positive thing is they both work and now support themselves but far cry from genius high powered people, just average run of the mill people with issues they try to project on to me- hard to do these days since I stay far away. I too let them build the wall brick by brick and although I didn't build the wall I have no intent of letting that wall come down- I like it far and separate, minimal engagement when necessary. However I do promote DH doing what he thinks is best and I stand out of the way- as long as it doesn't impact my boundaries (time, space and resources).

Genious. Let them build the wall that protects you. Even if it is "their" wall you can defend that wall and keep them where they belong in relation to the side of that wall you want them on. The beauty of walls is that you always know where the enemy is.

The great wall of China was intended to keep the Mongols out, but it also kept the Chinese in easily locatable places when the Mongols raided.

Genius is where you find it and the geniuses are the ones that perform with genious.

ImperfectlyPerfect · 4/06/2026 4:11 pm

Rags wrote:
ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:
Awwww the talented, super skilled and superior act with SKIDs. I was told this too- they are superhuman, they are geniuses, best of the best. Fact was growing up I saw average and certainly little effort in applying themselves. I let it all just sit there until they became adults to see what happened. There is still talk about their incredibleness but now I have a barometer - myself at that age as a young lady. These men had so many advantages that hung right in front of their faces and they slapped each and every single opportunity away. Positive thing is they both work and now support themselves but far cry from genius high powered people, just average run of the mill people with issues they try to project on to me- hard to do these days since I stay far away. I too let them build the wall brick by brick and although I didn't build the wall I have no intent of letting that wall come down- I like it far and separate, minimal engagement when necessary. However I do promote DH doing what he thinks is best and I stand out of the way- as long as it doesn't impact my boundaries (time, space and resources).
Genious. Let them build the wall that protects you. Even if it is "their" wall you can defend that wall and keep them where they belong in relation to the side of that wall you want them on. The beauty of walls is that you always know where the enemy is.

The great wall of China was intended to keep the Mongols out, but it also kept the Chinese in easily locatable places when the Mongols raided.

Genius is where you find it and the geniuses are the ones that perform with genious.

Totally agree with @Rags and love the historical example- I had a chance to walk a portion of the Great Wall of china and that reference is GENIUS. I will never climb over the wall into SKID territory and I take comfort that they built a wall, it's what keeps everlasting peace for me. Truly a great analogy !

MorningMia · 4/07/2026 6:05 am

Rags wrote:
There is a big difference between making a mistake and repeatedly perpetrating the same manipulative self-aggrandizing ridiculousness while expecting a different result then blaming the outcome on others and demonizing others for one's personal failures.

This surfaced very early in our marriage with my IL clan. My FIL invested heaviliy of himself to try to avoid anyone actually confronting and addressing the issue. That, would have been mean in the context of my IL clan's multigenerational dynamic. Doing well is an affront to everyone else in the family. Analysis and solving problems are not nice, are hurtful, and to be avoided at all costs even when a solution is simple and costs nothing and not solving it while eternally tolerating it is incredibly and repeatedly expensive. Not just in emotional costs, but in financial costs.

It may sound trite, and a bit snarky, but... Dr. Phil's "And how is that working out for you?" is a model that IMHO needs to be adopted any time these types ply their manipulative avoidant choices.

For my ILs it was not a position of marketing their kids as geniouses or super performers. For them it was simply abdicating their responsibilities as parents which took, the form of "We raised our kids to make their own decisions and to be independent at 18." Other than my DW, my IL's kids are at best marginally functional semi-adults in their late 30s to mid 40s. Marred to partners who are nearly mirrors of them capability wise. It is sad.

I fear for our IL clan nieces and nephews. Though a couple of them are showing promise. Even with that possibility, I will not hold my breath until they actually accomplish something for themselves.

"How's that working out for you?" is one of my brother's favorite lines. It is how I feel about this situation.

What is weird (or not) is that I now look at all of this from such a distant place, just a far-off observer shaking my head. It feels strange to me not to "worry," not to "wish things were different," not to want to send a fruit basket or something (lol...I'm exaggerating a bit there). What is perhaps weirder is how distant DH seems about this. SD is/was his baby girl. It seems he has (finally--it's definitely been a process) thrown his hands in the air. Even the dangling carrots of little grands (soon to be 4 under the age of 6 + the outcast older adopted one) doesn't seem to be working to get him sucked in.

As I said, SD never used to reveal problems to DH. Knowing her patterns, the more I think about this, the more I believe she is not so much telling him about these issues to vent or discuss anything, but to try to get money. Otherwise, she wouldn't have brought up the fact that her loser husband's lack of decent employment is holding them back--that has nothing to do with the current crisis with the adopted child, who is now in a psychiatric ward, at least temporarily.

I'm expecting an(other) explosion this year--another big(ger) crisis will hit. The good thing is it's not like the old days when I felt squirrely and nervous and on edge about the other shoe ready to drop. It's just a fact of life now. It's like watching a (bad) movie and then turning off the TV.

ImperfectlyPerfect · 4/07/2026 9:58 am

MorningMia wrote:
Rags wrote:
There is a big difference between making a mistake and repeatedly perpetrating the same manipulative self-aggrandizing ridiculousness while expecting a different result then blaming the outcome on others and demonizing others for one's personal failures.

This surfaced very early in our marriage with my IL clan. My FIL invested heaviliy of himself to try to avoid anyone actually confronting and addressing the issue. That, would have been mean in the context of my IL clan's multigenerational dynamic. Doing well is an affront to everyone else in the family. Analysis and solving problems are not nice, are hurtful, and to be avoided at all costs even when a solution is simple and costs nothing and not solving it while eternally tolerating it is incredibly and repeatedly expensive. Not just in emotional costs, but in financial costs.

It may sound trite, and a bit snarky, but... Dr. Phil's "And how is that working out for you?" is a model that IMHO needs to be adopted any time these types ply their manipulative avoidant choices.

For my ILs it was not a position of marketing their kids as geniouses or super performers. For them it was simply abdicating their responsibilities as parents which took, the form of "We raised our kids to make their own decisions and to be independent at 18." Other than my DW, my IL's kids are at best marginally functional semi-adults in their late 30s to mid 40s. Marred to partners who are nearly mirrors of them capability wise. It is sad.

I fear for our IL clan nieces and nephews. Though a couple of them are showing promise. Even with that possibility, I will not hold my breath until they actually accomplish something for themselves.
"How's that working out for you?" is one of my brother's favorite lines. It is how I feel about this situation.

What is weird (or not) is that I now look at all of this from such a distant place, just a far-off observer shaking my head. It feels strange to me not to "worry," not to "wish things were different," not to want to send a fruit basket or something (lol...I'm exaggerating a bit there). What is perhaps weirder is how distant DH seems about this. SD is/was his baby girl. It seems he has (finally--it's definitely been a process) thrown his hands in the air. Even the dangling carrots of little grands (soon to be 4 under the age of 6 + the outcast older adopted one) doesn't seem to be working to get him sucked in.

As I said, SD never used to reveal problems to DH. Knowing her patterns, the more I think about this, the more I believe she is not so much telling him about these issues to vent or discuss anything, but to try to get money. Otherwise, she wouldn't have brought up the fact that her loser husband's lack of decent employment is holding them back--that has nothing to do with the current crisis with the adopted child, who is now in a psychiatric ward, at least temporarily.

I'm expecting an(other) explosion this year--another big(ger) crisis will hit. The good thing is it's not like the old days when I felt squirrely and nervous and on edge about the other shoe ready to drop. It's just a fact of life now. It's like watching a (bad) movie and then turning off the TV.

@MorningMia- I do the SAME thing. I always see it as if I am looking into a crystal ball or a snow globe - not really involved only observing the dynamics. I feel neutral and just watch the behavior from afar.

MorningMia · 4/08/2026 6:58 pm

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:
MorningMia wrote:
Rags wrote:
There is a big difference between making a mistake and repeatedly perpetrating the same manipulative self-aggrandizing ridiculousness while expecting a different result then blaming the outcome on others and demonizing others for one's personal failures.

This surfaced very early in our marriage with my IL clan. My FIL invested heaviliy of himself to try to avoid anyone actually confronting and addressing the issue. That, would have been mean in the context of my IL clan's multigenerational dynamic. Doing well is an affront to everyone else in the family. Analysis and solving problems are not nice, are hurtful, and to be avoided at all costs even when a solution is simple and costs nothing and not solving it while eternally tolerating it is incredibly and repeatedly expensive. Not just in emotional costs, but in financial costs.

It may sound trite, and a bit snarky, but... Dr. Phil's "And how is that working out for you?" is a model that IMHO needs to be adopted any time these types ply their manipulative avoidant choices.

For my ILs it was not a position of marketing their kids as geniouses or super performers. For them it was simply abdicating their responsibilities as parents which took, the form of "We raised our kids to make their own decisions and to be independent at 18." Other than my DW, my IL's kids are at best marginally functional semi-adults in their late 30s to mid 40s. Marred to partners who are nearly mirrors of them capability wise. It is sad.

I fear for our IL clan nieces and nephews. Though a couple of them are showing promise. Even with that possibility, I will not hold my breath until they actually accomplish something for themselves.
"How's that working out for you?" is one of my brother's favorite lines. It is how I feel about this situation.

What is weird (or not) is that I now look at all of this from such a distant place, just a far-off observer shaking my head. It feels strange to me not to "worry," not to "wish things were different," not to want to send a fruit basket or something (lol...I'm exaggerating a bit there). What is perhaps weirder is how distant DH seems about this. SD is/was his baby girl. It seems he has (finally--it's definitely been a process) thrown his hands in the air. Even the dangling carrots of little grands (soon to be 4 under the age of 6 + the outcast older adopted one) doesn't seem to be working to get him sucked in.

As I said, SD never used to reveal problems to DH. Knowing her patterns, the more I think about this, the more I believe she is not so much telling him about these issues to vent or discuss anything, but to try to get money. Otherwise, she wouldn't have brought up the fact that her loser husband's lack of decent employment is holding them back--that has nothing to do with the current crisis with the adopted child, who is now in a psychiatric ward, at least temporarily.

I'm expecting an(other) explosion this year--another big(ger) crisis will hit. The good thing is it's not like the old days when I felt squirrely and nervous and on edge about the other shoe ready to drop. It's just a fact of life now. It's like watching a (bad) movie and then turning off the TV.

@MorningMia- I do the SAME thing. I always see it as if I am looking into a crystal ball or a snow globe - not really involved only observing the dynamics. I feel neutral and just watch the behavior from afar.

It's a good (sane) place to be. Whew!

ImperfectlyPerfect · 4/08/2026 11:21 pm

MorningMia wrote:
ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:
MorningMia wrote:

"How's that working out for you?" is one of my brother's favorite lines. It is how I feel about this situation.

What is weird (or not) is that I now look at all of this from such a distant place, just a far-off observer shaking my head. It feels strange to me not to "worry," not to "wish things were different," not to want to send a fruit basket or something (lol...I'm exaggerating a bit there). What is perhaps weirder is how distant DH seems about this. SD is/was his baby girl. It seems he has (finally--it's definitely been a process) thrown his hands in the air. Even the dangling carrots of little grands (soon to be 4 under the age of 6 + the outcast older adopted one) doesn't seem to be working to get him sucked in.

As I said, SD never used to reveal problems to DH. Knowing her patterns, the more I think about this, the more I believe she is not so much telling him about these issues to vent or discuss anything, but to try to get money. Otherwise, she wouldn't have brought up the fact that her loser husband's lack of decent employment is holding them back--that has nothing to do with the current crisis with the adopted child, who is now in a psychiatric ward, at least temporarily.

I'm expecting an(other) explosion this year--another big(ger) crisis will hit. The good thing is it's not like the old days when I felt squirrely and nervous and on edge about the other shoe ready to drop. It's just a fact of life now. It's like watching a (bad) movie and then turning off the TV.

@MorningMia- I do the SAME thing. I always see it as if I am looking into a crystal ball or a snow globe - not really involved only observing the dynamics. I feel neutral and just watch the behavior from afar.

It's a good (sane) place to be. Whew!

TOTALLY. <3

Rags · 4/09/2026 9:15 pm

@ImperfectlyPerfect - Totally agree with @Rags and love the historical example- I had a chance to walk a portion of the Great Wall of china and that reference is GENIUS. I will never climb over the wall into SKID territory and I take comfort that they built a wall, it's what keeps everlasting peace for me. Truly a great analogy !

I enjoyed my time on the GWoC as well. I directed a project in Oyu Tolgoi Mongolia in 2010 where the project offices were in Beijing. I was able to do some wonderful weekend activities and trips during several visits to Beijing and OT Mongolia while leading that project. I went to the GWoC a few times, The imperial Tea Garden, the Imperial Cloisonné Factory, the Forbidden City, the Olympic Village, took the high-speed train to Shanhai for a fews visits with a colleague of mine from early in my career.

The GWoC is awe inspiring but strikes me as more containing for the Chinese than it was limiting to the Mongols. I think that when the toxic elements in the blend limit themselves with walls that it makes sense to use their walls to our advantage.

Last edited by Rags (4/09/2026 9:16 pm)

LittleTypeAmy · 4/10/2026 7:39 am

Once the same mistake happens over and over again, then you cannot call it a mistake anymore, since its become a repeat decision at that point.
That is something I Have made my peace with as far as SD's never ending chaotic sh!t show of a life brought to her by nothing other than her own pattern of poor, foolish decisions. Even when I , and others, did try to offer some kind of stability or at least solid advice to serve as some guidance for her, it either fell on deaf ears, or I was shut out as my efforts were rejected so much by SD, and barred from being that much of an influence , more or less told to stay out of it. So, I did exactly that. Then some like SD or my MIL, etc just act all shocked or dismayed over that.
Really, it shouldn't be any wonder over me no longer being involved, when I was never really allowed to be., nor was I ever allowed to have an Opinion about SD or anything going on. So, thats why I just hardly say anything or even bother to confront anything anymore. What is the point?
It was classic of MIL who told me she didn't want to deal with anyone's opinions about SD or her lineup of poor stupid life choices, which the some of the brunt of them fell to me and stood to ruin my peace and marriage.
But OK, fine, if I'm "banned" from having a say, then don't expect me to adhere to ANY opinions on anything from either of them, especially when my input and feelings weren't valued. Instead, just expected to let all the dysfunction slide from them because they are "Family", because according to their unwanted opinions thrown at me, I should have thought of this and that before marrying someone with a child, so i signed up for this. Then still act all shocked and disappointed as to why we are not close and why i dont want to come around so much as I am content with being left out of that chaotic loop as much as possible.
YOu might say I built my own Great Wall of China, and want to thrown in a moat for good measure to keep this bull crap away from me.
Hearing snippets through the social media or some indirect grapevine is enough for me. IF that
Just sitting back, observing from a distance , just letting MIL,DH or whomever wants to keep coddling and enabling SD31, and keep staying out of it, no opinion, like I'm supposed to do , right?
I honestly do not want to HEAR anything anymore, especially one complaint or grievance. The only thing I will say is the before mentioned " And how is that working out for you?" line or throw back the " You should have thought of that Before/I told you so" garbage back in their court.... and well over the wall that is my boundary.

Last edited by LittleTypeAmy (4/10/2026 7:45 am)

ImperfectlyPerfect · 4/10/2026 8:53 am

Rags wrote:
@ImperfectlyPerfect - Totally agree with @Rags and love the historical example- I had a chance to walk a portion of the Great Wall of china and that reference is GENIUS. I will never climb over the wall into SKID territory and I take comfort that they built a wall, it's what keeps everlasting peace for me. Truly a great analogy !

I enjoyed my time on the GWoC as well. I directed a project in Oyu Tolgoi Mongolia in 2010 where the project offices were in Beijing. I was able to do some wonderful weekend activities and trips during several visits to Beijing and OT Mongolia while leading that project. I went to the GWoC a few times, The imperial Tea Garden, the Imperial Cloisonné Factory, the Forbidden City, the Olympic Village, took the high-speed train to Shanhai for a fews visits with a colleague of mine from early in my career.

The GWoC is awe inspiring but strikes me as more containing for the Chinese than it was limiting to the Mongols. I think that when the toxic elements in the blend limit themselves with walls that it makes sense to use their walls to our advantage.

Love this and couldn't agree more - build your walls SKIDs, we're watching with delight.

ImperfectlyPerfect · 4/10/2026 9:16 am

LittleTypeAmy wrote:
Once the same mistake happens over and over again, then you cannot call it a mistake anymore, since its become a repeat decision at that point.
That is something I Have made my peace with as far as SD's never ending chaotic sh!t show of a life brought to her by nothing other than her own pattern of poor, foolish decisions. Even when I , and others, did try to offer some kind of stability or at least solid advice to serve as some guidance for her, it either fell on deaf ears, or I was shut out as my efforts were rejected so much by SD, and barred from being that much of an influence , more or less told to stay out of it. So, I did exactly that. Then some like SD or my MIL, etc just act all shocked or dismayed over that.
Really, it shouldn't be any wonder over me no longer being involved, when I was never really allowed to be., nor was I ever allowed to have an Opinion about SD or anything going on. So, thats why I just hardly say anything or even bother to confront anything anymore. What is the point?
It was classic of MIL who told me she didn't want to deal with anyone's opinions about SD or her lineup of poor stupid life choices, which the some of the brunt of them fell to me and stood to ruin my peace and marriage.
But OK, fine, if I'm "banned" from having a say, then don't expect me to adhere to ANY opinions on anything from either of them, especially when my input and feelings weren't valued. Instead, just expected to let all the dysfunction slide from them because they are "Family", because according to their unwanted opinions thrown at me, I should have thought of this and that before marrying someone with a child, so i signed up for this. Then still act all shocked and disappointed as to why we are not close and why i dont want to come around so much as I am content with being left out of that chaotic loop as much as possible.
YOu might say I built my own Great Wall of China, and want to thrown in a moat for good measure to keep this bull crap away from me.
Hearing snippets through the social media or some indirect grapevine is enough for me. IF that
Just sitting back, observing from a distance , just letting MIL,DH or whomever wants to keep coddling and enabling SD31, and keep staying out of it, no opinion, like I'm supposed to do , right?
I honestly do not want to HEAR anything anymore, especially one complaint or grievance. The only thing I will say is the before mentioned " And how is that working out for you?" line or throw back the " You should have thought of that Before/I told you so" garbage back in their court.... and well over the wall that is my boundary.

I get IT @littletypeamy and offering a reframing here. THEY built the wall by not letting you have any opinion, any significance, not letting YOU in. You obliged to these requirements early on- dealt with it and stayed outside the Great Wall that they built. You are now choosing to stay free and not climb over the wall. It's my opinion that you do not care to get involved because you were never let in and now there is fighting and dysfunction within their walled off kingdom.

I too tried very very hard to be engaged- be this super duper stepmom and every common sense piece of advice that I delivered was mocked, thrown out the door and ignored. I really stayed out of most things but somethings were just so very painful to watch - when I realized I had ALL the responsibility but NO authority I banged my head against the large stone wall they had developed for 10 bloody years and then one day I woke up an realized nothing I did would bring any effectual change so I picked up the pieces of my life and stopped trying to be let into the family fortress of dysfunction. Now I watch it, observe it but mainly feel nothing for these people who have not been the least bit good, respectful or kind to me let alone each other. I stay removed, I don't comment - when DH brings them up it's an "Oh", "alright", Ok. Nothing more- no follow-up, no curiosity, nothing. At first it was a bit lonely but I realized I was already alone well before I recognized it. Every once and awhile I get pushed into some "obligation" and I think - is this taking my resources, space and precious time? I recently folded on one "big life event" where I am going to have to sacrifice my time BUT not too much of my resources. I am doing it for DH not for SKID and I am certainly not doing this for myself. I will smile through it and then get on with my life.

Rags · 4/10/2026 11:11 am

@LittleTypeAmy - I should have thought of this and that before marrying someone with a child, so i signed up for this.

Oh hell no. The seemingly universal "you knew what you signed up for when you married someone with kids" thing is infuriating and so not accurate. No one marries disfunction and failed family drama, at least not on purpose. Nor should those of us who have married prior failed family breeders tolerate the toxicity and repeatedly sacrifice ourselves on the altar of Sparental martyrdom to the prior failed family including sacrificing ourselves to and for our mate. We are partners and both should have requirements of the relationship and our partner. Yes, be supportive. However, do not accept the unacceptable. Partner, support, progress through life together, but... if they refuse to fix it then they are subject to us fixing it for them and everyone else and no one wants that. Not us, and for sure not any of them. They need to fix it before we have to or they can bite their tongues and have our backs. Any protest they may have has to occur in private as they should have zero choice but to have our backs with the Skids, Xs, XILs, and even the current ILs and our own half of the IL picture.

Yes, love our partner. And if they earn it, love their failed family progeny as well. However, that love does not mean nor require that we unconditionally tolerate toxicity or allow any of it or anyone in the mix to be a detriment to enjoying our life and our relationship with our mate.

The couple trumps all else and everyone else. Period. Dot. Regardless of what damage anyone else in the mix may be dragging along.

Meera · 4/10/2026 12:39 pm

This is the first time in a while I have been back on ST. Thankfully, life has been full of positive non-step related happenings. Although there are step rumblings in the background - more on that later.

Morning Mia, what a disaster your SK's lives have turned out to be. I hope your SD doesn't weasel her way back into your lives. She sounds desperate and DH's tend to have soft spots for their loser kids when they come begging after they hit rock bottom. What the heck could you even do to help at this point? 5 kids and a deadbeat kid-husband is too much.

Back to the diablas. YSD27 has been looking for her "dream job" for going on 3 years since she graduated from a fancy university of her and BM's choosing, DH went along with her choice of school, rolling out the royal red carpet for poopsie to go to the most expensive university that would accept her. (Her top choices did not accept her.)

DH claims that she is looking for any job she can get at this point but her actions prove otherwise. She only likes to take on "gig" jobs that last 2 to 3 weeks before she moves on to something else. Of course her lack of stable income means that she does not qualify for an apartment. She jumps one location to the next, crashing and bumming where-ever she goes.

For a long time she'd go back to the mother-ship between gigs but now that greedy BM moved to a remote location and is charging SD rent, she suddenly no longer wants to crash at BM's hoarded house. Between "gigs," she would much rather crash with DH and I in our comfortable home.

A few weeks ago she hired some kind of "career coach" to help her land her dream job. I am sure this type of service costs big bucks. I have no idea where she is getting the money from.
Still, No job. Ugh. I am at my wit's end.

Rags · 4/10/2026 8:47 pm

Ahhh. The career coach racket. Good ones provide your money's worth, however, there are not many good ones in my experience. Even the good ones do not do the leg work for you to find your next role. That is on you. They help structure your effort, help format your CV/Resume, but.... they do not do the applications for you, do not schedule the interviews for you, do not set up interface with recruiters or gate keepers at companies that are hiring, etc.... What the good ones can do is help you keep your head in the game. Get you involved in networking groups, etc, etc, etc....

One element of engaging a career coach to be wary of is the two-stage fee structure. You pay upfront, usually around $5K though there are varying feel levels and fee models. Then... after you are employed in your next role for some period of time, mine was 5yrs, you owe the stage two payment. Another $5K. $5K tends to be a fairly common fee structure level for each of the staged fees. For me, I found a really great role that evaporated after a year in large part due to COVID but also due to a major executive level re-org at the company. So, the career coaching company never reached out for payment of phase 2 and did send a forgiveness letter during COVID. I have remained in touch with my coach. A brilliant PhD who invests heavily in the people she engages.

I hope that the Diabla gets some benefit out of what she is paying for regarding her career coach and can find a place and job in a galaxy far, far away from your peaceful refuge. Though discretion being the better part of valor, you may want to check the account statements to see if you are funding this caree coach via daddy. Just in case.

Last edited by Rags (4/10/2026 8:49 pm)

Merry · 4/11/2026 2:14 pm

I love the Great Wall and family fortress analogies.

My DH’s family of origin seemed healthy enough. His Mom welcomed me. His sister and I became friends. His brother was kind. But I saw some odd things too so that even those who happily accepted me kept me and my family outside the wall—sometimes but not always.

DH, BM, and their kids could have formed their own family closed cloister. Everybody else was wrong, dishonest, hurtful, and they all bought into it, gathered the wagons around them, and protected themselves from even sometimes imaginary things.
Of course I saw red flags but surely I was misinterpreting what I was seeing. Hah.

Their wall. They built it, they can maintain it. Don’t send a ladder for me.

MorningMia · 4/12/2026 7:57 am

@littletypeamy: YOu might say I built my own Great Wall of China, and want to thrown in a moat for good measure to keep this bull crap away from me.
I LOVE THIS . . . throwing in the moat for good measure!

@Meera: Luckily, DH realized on his own long ago that most kindness and any truthfulness from SD came from a place of wanting something from him. I was shocked when he contributed very little (in the grand scheme of things) to her wedding (note: we have separate bank accounts). He is fully aware that where SD is in life right now is the product of her mother working on total control of the girl as she was growing up, working to keep DH and any influence at bay, PAS, and fanaticism--and SD in adulthood going along with all of it. While he feels badly for SD--and we have the grands as the dangling carrots--I have seen him pull back because of the drama.

Once you step into a pile of s*** multiple times, I think you finally learn to walk around it.

Last edited by MorningMia (4/12/2026 7:58 am)

LittleTypeAmy · 4/14/2026 8:06 am

@Merry
"Their wall. They built it, they can maintain it. Don’t send a ladder for me"
Also related to @ImperfectlyPerfect...They damn well know they handed me the tools, as all I have been doing is simply building the wall with the bricks that were thrown at me. I am not "allowed " to as that doesn't stop SD31 from whining and accusing me of "pushing her away" as As if she didn't push me first, as if she didn' t spend years still secretly wishing DH would push me out of his life or she would Drive me away from her "territory" meaning DH.. until she "finally had to accept" that he wasnt going to leave me. Yet still demands unconditional acceptance from me when she could never afford the same to me, not completely or consistently. Like with Morning Mia, even with SD is kind, it still comes with conditions that she wants something from me, even her ( half asses) olive branches just feel transactional , like a trap or some Trojan Horse type of thing to trick me into letting her invade my life with chaos in tow.
If MIL or DH mentions her, since anytime I spend MIL, SD HAS to have her existence interjected all the time even she is not even in the room. I don't even Follow IT UP with a "that's nice' or "OK" let alone ask about her. There are lots of things I really want to say, but leaning towards silence and building up the Gray Rock method, just give as little reaction as possible. and carry on Merry way as if she wasn't even mentioned,
Hey, Im not supposed to say a word or have an opinion about SD until its something nice, so that's why I just don't say ONE word anymore...Don't even ask me for a thing....

ImperfectlyPerfect · 4/14/2026 12:40 pm

LittleTypeAmy wrote:
@Merry
"Their wall. They built it, they can maintain it. Don’t send a ladder for me"
Also related to @ImperfectlyPerfect...They damn well know they handed me the tools, as all I have been doing is simply building the wall with the bricks that were thrown at me. I am not "allowed " to as that doesn't stop SD31 from whining and accusing me of "pushing her away" as As if she didn't push me first, as if she didn' t spend years still secretly wishing DH would push me out of his life or she would Drive me away from her "territory" meaning DH.. until she "finally had to accept" that he wasnt going to leave me. Yet still demands unconditional acceptance from me when she could never afford the same to me, not completely or consistently. Like with Morning Mia, even with SD is kind, it still comes with conditions that she wants something from me, even her ( half asses) olive branches just feel transactional , like a trap or some Trojan Horse type of thing to trick me into letting her invade my life with chaos in tow.
If MIL or DH mentions her, since anytime I spend MIL, SD HAS to have her existence interjected all the time even she is not even in the room. I don't even Follow IT UP with a "that's nice' or "OK" let alone ask about her. There are lots of things I really want to say, but leaning towards silence and building up the Gray Rock method, just give as little reaction as possible. and carry on Merry way as if she wasn't even mentioned,
Hey, Im not supposed to say a word or have an opinion about SD until its something nice, so that's why I just don't say ONE word anymore...Don't even ask me for a thing....

No matter the perspective: you built the wall or they built the wall the point there is a wall in place and it's provided many of us with peace and resolution. I see them exactly for who they are now - I don't try to put on rose colored glasses or walk over the draw bridge when it comes down. They made it clear they do not like me and guess what? After years of trying to be liked I realize I don't like them either. I have way better things to do with my time and so now there's no problem at all. I do only per-functionary duties and even those low effort actions have become less and less as they have become grown boys. As mentioned I have to do this one event and have to see all the SKIDs, my plan is very simply- I will have my own vehicle and will stay for the event and a very short thing afterwards and then leave DH to hang with his family. I am not looking forward to this but it'll be quick and then buh-bye.

LittleTypeAmy · 4/14/2026 5:36 pm

@ImperfectlyPerfect wrote,
No matter the perspective: you built the wall or they built the wall the point there is a wall in place and it's provided many of us with peace and resolution. I see them exactly for who they are now - I don't try to put on rose colored glasses or walk over the draw bridge when it comes down. They made it clear they do not like me and guess what? After years of trying to be liked I realize I don't like them either. I have way better things to do with my time and so now there's no problem at all. I do only per-functionary duties and even those low effort actions have become less and less as they have become grown boys. As mentioned I have to do this one event and have to see all the SKIDs, my plan is very simply- I will have my own vehicle and will stay for the event and a very short thing afterwards and then leave DH to hang with his family. I am not looking forward to this but it'll be quick and then buh-bye"
That's the only way I could ( barely) handle SD when that fateful day arrives when I have to see her. Be polite, civil as much as possible, the give her the old Irish goodbye. I noticed that somehow, I never run into any people that I have cut off ,,yet..so I'm taking that as a sign that I did the right thing. I am hoping that my luck doesn't run out soon. The truth is, I am not longer going into battle trying to break down these walls any longer. as they will remain for a reason. Like you, I no longer have the bandwith to fight and win the approval of people, like my SD, whom I can admit that I don't even LIKE as a person and haven't for a very long time, no matter how hard I tried not to feel that way.and win her over. I don't care who she thinks she is supposed to be or what she or anyone thinks I owe her. I simply don't like her just the same and wonder why I ever even bothered wasting time trying to impress her anyhow. ...
Lost my own pair of rose colored glasses myself...now wonder if I really actually had them all along anyway..looking back in hindsight. as if they were never meant to be mine to have.