FIVE kids. We can't afford our lifestyle, but can make babies like it's our job. 🤦🏼‍♀️
So glad you have that wall!

Aniki-Moderator wrote:

FIVE kids. We can't afford our lifestyle, but can make babies like it's our job. 🤦🏼‍♀️
So glad you have that wall!

It is pure insanity. 

Awwww the talented, super skilled and superior act with SKIDs. I was told this too- they are superhuman, they are geniuses, best of the best. Fact was growing up I saw average and certainly little effort in applying themselves. I let it all just sit there until they became adults to see what happened. There is still talk about their incredibleness but now I have a barometer - myself at that age as a young lady. These men had so many advantages that hung right in front of their faces and they slapped each and every single opportunity away. Positive thing is they both work and now support themselves but far cry from genius high powered people, just average run of the mill people with issues they try to project on to me- hard to do these days since I stay far away. I too let them build the wall brick by brick and although I didn't build the wall I have no intent of letting that wall come down- I like it far and separate, minimal engagement when necessary. However I do promote DH doing what he thinks is best and I stand out of the way- as long as it doesn't impact my boundaries (time, space and resources). 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (4/06/2026 1:21 pm)

MorningMia wrote:

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

MorningMia wrote:

"How's that working out for you?" is one of my brother's favorite lines.  It is how I feel about this situation. 

What is weird (or not) is that I now look at all of this from such a distant place, just a far-off observer shaking my head. It feels strange to me not to "worry," not to "wish things were different," not to want to send a fruit basket or something (lol...I'm exaggerating a bit there). What is perhaps weirder is how distant DH seems about this. SD is/was his baby girl. It seems he has (finally--it's definitely been a process) thrown his hands in the air. Even the dangling carrots of little grands (soon to be 4 under the age of 6 + the outcast older adopted one) doesn't seem to be working to get him sucked in. 

As I said, SD never used to reveal problems to DH. Knowing her patterns, the more I think about this, the more I believe she is not so much telling him about these issues to vent or discuss anything, but to try to get money. Otherwise, she wouldn't have brought up the fact that her loser husband's lack of decent employment is holding them back--that has nothing to do with the current crisis with the adopted child, who is now in a psychiatric ward, at least temporarily. 

I'm expecting an(other) explosion this year--another big(ger) crisis will hit. The good thing is it's not like the old days when I felt squirrely and nervous and on edge about the other shoe ready to drop. It's just a fact of life now. It's like watching a (bad) movie and then turning off the TV. 

 

 

@MorningMia- I do the SAME thing. I always see it as if I am looking into a crystal ball or a snow globe - not really involved only observing the dynamics. I feel neutral and just watch the behavior from afar. 
 

It's a good (sane) place to be. Whew! 

TOTALLY. <3 
 

LittleTypeAmy wrote:

Once the same mistake happens over and over again, then you cannot call it a mistake anymore, since its become a repeat decision at that point.
That is something I Have made my peace with as far as SD's never ending chaotic sh!t show of a life brought to her by nothing other than her own pattern of poor, foolish decisions. Even when I , and others, did try to offer some kind of stability or at least solid advice to serve as some guidance for her, it either fell on deaf ears, or I was shut out as my efforts were rejected so much by SD, and barred from being that much of an influence , more or less told to stay out of it.  So, I did exactly that. Then some like SD or my MIL, etc just act all shocked or dismayed over that.
Really, it shouldn't be any wonder over me no longer being involved, when I was never really allowed to be., nor was I ever allowed to have an Opinion about SD or anything going on. So, thats why I just hardly say anything or even bother to confront anything anymore. What is the point? 
It was classic  of  MIL who told me she didn't want to deal with anyone's opinions about SD or her lineup of poor stupid life choices, which the some of the brunt  of them fell to me and stood to ruin my peace and marriage.
But OK, fine, if I'm "banned" from having a say, then don't expect me  to adhere to  ANY opinions on anything from either of them, especially when my input and feelings weren't valued. Instead, just expected to let all the dysfunction slide from them because they are "Family", because according to their unwanted opinions thrown at me, I should have thought of this and that before marrying someone with a child, so i signed up for this.  Then still act all shocked and disappointed as to why we are not close and why i dont want to come around so much as I am content with being left out of that chaotic loop as much as possible.
YOu might say I built my own Great Wall of China, and want to thrown in a moat for good measure to keep this bull crap away from me. 
Hearing snippets through the social media or some indirect grapevine is enough for me. IF that
Just sitting back, observing from a distance , just letting MIL,DH or whomever wants to keep coddling and enabling SD31, and keep staying out of it, no opinion, like I'm supposed to do , right?
I honestly do not want to HEAR anything anymore, especially one complaint or grievance. The only thing I will say is the before mentioned " And how is that working out for you?" line or throw back the " You should have thought of that Before/I told  you so" garbage back in their court.... and well over the wall that is my boundary.
 

I get IT @littletypeamy and offering a reframing here. THEY built the wall by not letting you have any opinion, any significance, not letting YOU in. You obliged to these requirements early on- dealt with it and stayed outside the Great Wall that they built. You are now choosing to stay free and not climb over the wall. It's my opinion that you do not care to get involved because you were never let in and now there is fighting and dysfunction within their walled off kingdom. 

I too tried very very hard to be engaged- be this super duper stepmom and every common sense piece of advice that I delivered was mocked, thrown out the door and ignored. I really stayed out of most things but somethings were just so very painful to watch - when I realized I had ALL the responsibility but NO authority I banged my head against the large stone wall they had developed for 10 bloody years and then one day I woke up an realized nothing I did would bring any effectual change so I picked up the pieces of my life and stopped trying to be let into the family fortress of dysfunction. Now I watch it, observe it but mainly feel nothing for these people who have not been the least bit good, respectful or kind to me let alone each other. I stay removed, I don't comment - when DH brings them up it's an "Oh", "alright", Ok. Nothing more- no follow-up, no curiosity, nothing. At first it was a bit lonely but I realized I was already alone well before I recognized it. Every once and awhile I get pushed into some "obligation" and I think - is this taking my resources, space and precious time? I recently folded on one "big life event" where I am going to have to sacrifice my time BUT not too much of my resources. I am doing it for DH not for SKID and I am certainly not doing this for myself. I will smile through it and then get on with my life.
 

I love the Great Wall and family fortress analogies.

My DH’s family of origin seemed healthy enough. His Mom welcomed me. His sister and I became friends. His brother was kind. But I saw some odd things too so that even those who happily accepted me kept me and my family outside the wall—sometimes but not always.

DH, BM, and their kids could have formed their own family closed cloister. Everybody else was wrong, dishonest, hurtful, and they all bought into it, gathered the wagons around them, and protected themselves from even sometimes imaginary things.
Of course I saw red flags but surely I was misinterpreting what I was seeing. Hah.

Their wall. They built it, they can maintain it. Don’t send a ladder for me.

@Merry
"Their wall. They built it, they can maintain it. Don’t send a ladder for me"
Also related to @ImperfectlyPerfect...They damn well know they handed me the tools, as all I have been doing is simply building the wall with the bricks that were thrown at me. I am not "allowed " to as that doesn't stop SD31 from whining and accusing me of "pushing her away" as  As if she didn't push me first, as if she didn' t spend years still secretly wishing DH would push me out of his life or she would Drive me away from her "territory" meaning DH.. until she "finally had to accept" that he wasnt going to leave me. Yet still demands unconditional acceptance from me when she could never afford the same to me, not completely or consistently.  Like with Morning Mia, even with SD is kind, it still comes with conditions that she wants something from me, even her ( half asses) olive branches just feel transactional , like a trap or some Trojan Horse type of thing to trick me into letting her invade my life with chaos in tow. 
If MIL or DH mentions her, since anytime I spend MIL, SD HAS to have her existence interjected all the time even she is not even in the room. I don't even Follow IT UP with a "that's nice' or "OK" let alone ask about her. There are lots of things I really want to say, but leaning towards silence and building up the Gray Rock method, just give as little reaction as possible. and carry on Merry way as if she wasn't even mentioned, 
Hey, Im not supposed to say a word or have an opinion about SD until its something nice, so that's why I just don't say ONE word anymore...Don't even ask me for a thing....

@ImperfectlyPerfect wrote, 
No matter the perspective: you built the wall or they built the wall the point there is a wall in place and it's provided many of us with peace and resolution. I see them exactly for who they are now - I don't try to put on rose colored glasses or walk over the draw bridge when it comes down. They made it clear they do not like me and guess what? After years of trying to be liked I realize I don't like them either. I have way better things to do with my time and so now there's no problem at all. I do only per-functionary duties and even those low effort actions have become less and less as they have become grown boys. As mentioned I have to do this one event and have to see all the SKIDs, my plan is very simply- I will have my own vehicle and will stay for the event and a very short thing afterwards and then leave DH to hang with his family. I am not looking forward to this but it'll be quick and then buh-bye"
That's the only way I could ( barely) handle SD when that fateful day arrives when I have to see her. Be polite, civil as much as possible, the give her the old Irish goodbye. I  noticed that somehow, I never run into any people that I have cut off ,,yet..so I'm taking that as a sign that I did the right thing. I am hoping that my luck doesn't run out soon. The truth is, I am not longer going into battle trying to break down these walls any longer. as they will remain for a reason.  Like you, I no longer have the bandwith to fight and win the approval of people, like my SD, whom I can admit that I don't even LIKE as a person and haven't for a very long time, no matter how hard I tried not to feel that way.and win her over. I don't care who she thinks she is supposed to be or what she or anyone thinks I owe her. I simply don't like her just the same and wonder why I ever even bothered wasting time trying to impress her anyhow. ...
Lost my own pair of rose colored glasses myself...now wonder if I really actually had them all along anyway..looking back in hindsight. as if they were never meant to be mine to have.