I have been with my DH for 24 years or so and when I met him my SDs were aged 5 and 7, they are now 29 and 31.  I already had almost grown up daughters of my own who were 17 and 19 when we met, so I thought raising two more would be fairly straightforward! I was soon disabused of that notion - NPD BM had coached them to hate and thwart me whenever they could. It was so bad I disengaged after about a year although I didn't know what disengagement was to any degree - I just instinctively drew back. 

Having done that I still cooked for the SDs and bought them Xmas and birthday gifts. I didn't go anywhere with them and DH and I spent EOW being rather lonely and fed up on my own. This was quite a sacrifice as DH commuted and worked long hours so we only had one weekend a fortnight to be together. We moved further away to a larger house in 2020 and the SDs didn't like it, particularly SD31.  In 2022 at Easter we had them here for the day and she was absolutely awful, and continued to be awful to me by email and verbally to DH, calling me a wanker.   She called me a freeloader by email - an obvious bit of projection as that is what she is - DH is still sending her money each month.  At this point I cut off all contact with her and have not seen either SD for 4 yrs. I would still see SD29 but she won't come here because her sister isn't welcome.  Me estranging her did nearly cause the end of my marriage but in the end we worked through it, and I think DH understands it - he acknowledges she probably has borderline personality disorder.  

Last edited by Kes (3/21/2026 11:11 am)

I have no relationship with SS. It’s not good, not bad. No active hate, or love. We get along fine when I see him, but it’s been 3 or 4 years. He makes no effort to see DH, but it’s not my problem to solve.

SD is a different story. She was in college when DH and I started dating, so we had no parental role issues. I think I’ve met BM once.

There were times that she was kind to me and I think she tried to accept me but I was just too much an outsider. DH’s family is very closed off anyway. When I did not assimilate to her liking and did not worship her, then I was out.

There was a bit of a Cold War for several years, and I grew especially resentful that SD controlled all holiday events . I deeply regret not seeing much of my own family during that time.

DH was her clown. He performed on cue, jumped at her command, excluded me for her comfort, and I lost a lot of respect for him. She always had to be the smartest, funniest, prettiest, and always right about everything. She competed with everybody for DH’s attention, including her own brother. Her “me me me” behavior was hard to take.

At one point DH had to choose his partner—his wife or his daughter. There was a situation with our old dog with cancer, and DH was willing to abandon me and the dog when SD wanted him to do something else. That was the beginning of the end of SD’s power. And even though DH ultimately supported me, I will never forgive him for his willingness to “obey SD” when the dog and I needed him. Hurting me all those holidays (and other times) was one thing—but my sick dog now too? Hell no.

Several years later, after another event that was also about her lack of power, I was selfishly glad when she declared that she no longer wanted a relationship with DH. She has been unwilling to tell him why or have a discussion about it, including a discussion led by her own therapist. Of course I know why—if she no longer has complete power over him, he is no longer useful to her.

The whole thing is so sad and so stupid. I know DH is sad about it but it really isn’t a factor in our daily lives.

I am fortunate, I have never had this kind of struggle in my (current) marriage or with my SKid.  However, there are three examples of having "the moment" that I have navigated since entering adulthood.

First is my XW and XILs.  We met when I was 22 and married a month before I turned 24. She was 20 when we married.  She turned 21 4mos after we married.  The weird started even before the wedding.  My XMIL was hell bent that her daughter would have the social event wedding of the season.  My XILs asked my parents to split the cost of the wedding.  My parents being very astute people agreed on the condition that they would write us a check for half if my XILs would write us a check for half and XW and I could do with it what we chose.  Wedding, honeymoon, house down payment, etc...  We are not talking a cheap wedding. This was 1988 and my XILs spent $60K on the wedding.  More on that later.  Their offer offended my XMIL to no end because her daughter would have a grand wedding.  XMIL considered my parents counteroffer to be low class.

My dad had noticed and had been mentally chewing on how my XILs, a bookkeeper and a low-level State employee, could afford the hottest zip code in the city and a 250acre hobby ranch a couple of hours out of town.  Come to find out, they couldn't.  My parents were financially independent but not wealthy by any means.  

So, the lead up to the wedding had some tension, the wedding was a bit of a freak show with a massive cathedral with the bride's side crammed full to standing room down the side isles, and the groom side basically empty with about 50 people in a space that could have sat several hundred.  We married Jan 2nd.  Which was a bone of contention for my XILs and XW since the cathedral had all of the holiday floral arrangements still in place and my parents did not pay for the florals which was considered a traditional cost borne by the groom's family...

I was not the product of a broken home so divorce was not in my lexicon of experience.  My parents were always very connected to each other, respectful of each other, and raised us in that environment.  So when my XW went batshit crazy on our wedding night after the very dramatic reception following the wedding, I was stunned.  We headed out on a 10day honeymoon to Puerto Villarta at a beach side resort hotel.  Until the last night it was basically a bad extended episode of the Twilight zone.  

24mos after we married, 24mos of almost zero intimacy within the marriage, XW spending as many nights in her childhood bedroom at my XILs as she did in our marital home, we had sold our mobile home at the Married Student Mobile Home Park and were getting ready to close on the purchase of our own home in the hottest zip code in the city, though way out in the hills on the edge of respectability, we moved into my XILs for a few weeks.  The first night we were sleeping at my XILs my XMIL and XFIL were being intimate in a manner that sounded like a porn movie production.  I was shocked.  I'm in bed with my beautiful, fit, new college graduate bride of two years in a near zero intimacy marriage and my XILs are getting it on in the next room like porn stars.  That was my done moment.  3mos after that she played the D card, I told her to "Go file", she broke down in tears all destroyed sobbingly playing the "you won't even fight for me" card.  Nope, I was done fighting for that marriage. I was the only one who had fought for it at all. Ever.

22yrs later I saw a newspaper headline about a bookkeeper who had been arrested, convicted, and imprisoned for embezzling an undisclosed number of $Millions from her employer over 30+ years. The article even mentioned how embezzled money had paid for weddings for the bookkeeper's daughters, how the business owner had done all of the meat for the wedding receptions, jalapeno stuffed dove, brisket, sausage, etc... on his huge competition smoker, etc...  At that point I was able to answer my dad's question about how a bookkeeper and a low-level State employee were able to afford the hottest zip code in town and a $Multi-Million hobby ranch.   They lost it all of course.  In the civil suit where the business owner sued the entire family and was awarded all of their real property and several $Million in cash.  Not even a small fraction of what had been embezzled from him, but... there was some level of justice.

Next was the SpermClan and my DW's tolerance of their crap and avoidance of conflict in the naive avoidance of making them mad on the hope that they would not take it out on the SKid while on SpermLand visitation.  I was supportive, I gave my opinion, then I was supportive.  This went on for first several years of our marriage until... I hit my limit. I finally and very directly pointed out that they were taking it all out on the kid anyway and if DW was not actually going to do anything about it that I never wanted it mentioned again.  The end was when they had taken SS's winter coat for his younger half sibs and sent him home in SpermGrandHag's 1970's bright pink ski jacket.  For some reason that was when I was done and so was DW.  Though throughout the rest of the remaining CO years there were times when I pointed out that something had to be done and DW responded with "What do you want me to do about it?".  My answer was that I really did not care what was done as long as something was done and if nothing was done then I would deal with it and no one would like it if I had to.  They would crawl out from under their slime covered rock at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool periodically until the end of the 16yrs we spent under the CO on SS's 18th B-day.  Though they continued to try to manipulate for a number of years after that.  Upon occasion a pic shows up on my FB of the SpermIdiot all decked out in one of his several CosPlay alter egos.  The waste of skin is in his mid 50s, still cruising malls to try to pick up teen girls, and playing dress up.  I have been to a comiccon or two. Lots of fun. But, the skeeve factor affiliated with the Spermidiot takes any tolerance for that crap that I may have for him playing dress up.  For quality people, I hope they enjoy it and have fun. For him, nope.

Lastly was my IL clan.  We had spent $$$ getting to SpermClan for BIL1's and his bovine bride's wedding.  An early January wedding.  From the time our first flight took off until we landed in Dallas 40mins later all flights to SpermLand had been cancelled due to an Ice-Magedon ice storm that froze SpermLand into a giant block of ice.  As soon as we landed at DFW I suggested to DW to try to book a flight for SeaTac airport, reserve an AWD vehicle and we could drive S to the wedding.  Our flight to SeaTac was the last flight that landed in Seatle before SeaTac airport was closed, we ended up getting a Subaru Outback that we had to agree to take without it being cleaned after the last renter turned it in, then we drove from Seattle to Portland.  On two occasions on the very slow icy drive S the gate on the interstate was closed behind us as we headed S.   We got through the Terwilliger Curves gate as it was swinging shut.  A black Suburban was right behind us as we went through the closing gate.  We never saw that vehicle again.  At the top of the hills we pulled into DW's Unicorn-Cousin's house since the interstate S from there was completely closed.  Cousin and her two young kids had been frozen in for several days when we knocked on their door. Her husband was a firefighter who had been on duty when the ice storm hit and had not been home in days. We took them to the grocery store and loaded them up with a couple of $hundred in groceries for letting us stay the night. Watching the news that night we saw that a black Suburban had gone off of the interstate at the curves and several passengers were killed.  That Suburban had been the last vehicle through the gate at the base of the curves.  We had been about 100yds ahead of them.  The next AM we headed S just as the interstate reopened.  My FIL was very stern with DW that no matter what, we had to be there that evening for the rehearsal dinner and for the wedding the next day.  We ran into the mall in Salem to shop for wedding clothing and basics since our luggage was still at DFW due to our canceled flight and we had jumped a flight to Seattle.  40mins and $1000 later under the disapproving hairy eyeballs of BIL1's bovine bride and my SIL who was about 20 at that time and had run home to SpermLand because we had been so mean while DW was her guardian and we paid for University her first year.   We stayed with BIL1 during that trip.  Oddly, when DW realized her BC pills were in the luggage stuck at DFW the bovine bride tried to give her a pack of BC pills since they "were on the same pill" which was one of those things that made us go Hmmmmm?  BIL1 and the bovine bride had had a very odd whispering side bar before she had pulled a pack of BC pills out of the drawer and handed them to my wife.  I hit my moment with the IL clan during that visit.  We ended up paying for BIL1 and the bovine bride's weekend honeymoon to E Oregon.  When they got back, "We took a pregnancy test, and we got pregnant on our wedding night!!!!".    For the next few days BIL1 was fully dedicated to showing off how much money he made working tons of overtime.  "My computer is newer and better than yours!, "My garden shed is bigger than yours!", "I bet my paycheck is bigger than yours, I worked 80hrs a week all 4 weeks this month!".  That was my enough is enough point.  I turned to him, explained that agriculture workers are not covered under federal OT laws and are only paid straight time for any hours worked no matter how many hours they work in a pay period.  And... I made in a 40hr week more than he made in a 320hr month.  He called me a liar.  After that I was zero tolerance for any and all of the manipulative crap from the entire IL clan, every degrading comment about my bride being the ditzy city sister who was stupid about the dairy industry, or anything and everything agriculture related.  Snide comments about her having SS at 16, etc...  To this day, 20+ years later every IL clan gathering that we attend is always a jockeying of polarized groups in the space event until the bovine bride lets her mouth override her brain and I have to put her in her place.  Oddly, once that happens, she retreats to a corner with teary eyes with at least one of her kids, and the rest of the gathering opens up and interfaces with energy and pleasantness.  Even a couple of BIL1's and bovine bride's kids will engage in conversations with my bride after that.  I just position myself in a prominent position where I can see everyone and observe.  That repeated dynamic has always been an interesting sequence of events to me. 

The crowing moment of the IL clan end of my rope period, that continues to this day and will for all eternity, was when my SIL bragged "At least I did not have a baby in my teens!" just after she had delivered our nephew/her eldest.  I then surgically pointed out that a 20+yo should know better and that at least a 16yo has a chance of growing smarter and not doing what SIL had done in her twenties. As it turned out, she did it twice as her second was also an OOWL child.  That all came to a head when BIL2 and his wife married while knocked up with their first.  MIL made some smiling comment about how great it was that BIL2 and his bride were "waiting" until they were married to have children.  Me being me, I reminded MIL that they were pregnant and she had shared the ultrasound with us a few evenings prior.  She got lippy, so I pointed out that 100% of her children had pregnancies that at the very least started OOWL.  She tried to jump on BIL1 and the bovine bride getting pregnant on their wedding night.  I had to clear that up with her right there informing her that they were pregnant before their wedding.  Apparently it was a very quiet and emotional next few weeks for MIL.  FIL called DW to vent about it, DW basically told him "Daddy, Rags is not wrong and mom deserved it after once again trying to throw a dig at me for being a 16yo mom.".  FIL got very quiet on that call and commented to DW that she was right, and that he was extremely proud of her for making a great life for her son and for herself.

Oddly, people who plant their flag on behaving toxically never seem to realize that their self-delusion does not make their delusion a reality no matter how long they wait to repeat it.  If they behave, I engage with them, if they do not behave, I end them.  Their call.

Maybe I would be better served, and maybe everyone would be better served, for me to just ignore it and let the toxic ply their toxic hobies at will.  But, I just can't do that.  It is against my grain enough that when they declare game on, I enter the field of play. The difference is, I recognize that feelings matter and for me, that means that I will not tolerate their toxic digs at my incredible, successful, brilliant bride and amazing honorable gay man son. DW's, SS's feelings matter. The feelings of the toxic are irrelevant and are very susceptable to being shredded by facts and reality.  For some reason, those of quality do not tend to repeatedly create difficult facts for themselves.  SS long ago wrote off the SpermClan and the IL clan.  His mom, still holds out hope for my IL clan. Though even she has within the past 2yrs landed on not setting anything up or visiting SpermLand unless she is invited.   Probably not surprisingly, when she is invited, the next question is "Will Rags be with you?"    

When she does go without me, she nearly always comes back very quiet. It takes a while but eventually she will get it out while I give her a shoulder to cry on.  Which just motivates me to make sure to be at her side the next time.  

I liken the whole dance as a repeated series of games of Wizard's Chess against a group of morons who are all about the facade and have no clue about strategy and the ever present but difficult facts that they provide.

Last edited by Rags (3/24/2026 1:50 pm)

@advice.only2, @rags, @morningmia, @merry, @soverytired and @kes- I've read each of your responses twice over-- there's so much of each I can relate to. Hang tight- I a going to respond individually to each of you by mid-week if not sooner. Thank you for this wisdom and your experiences it makes me realize we are all wading through this swamp together. <3 

Kes wrote:

I have been with my DH for 24 years or so and when I met him my SDs were aged 5 and 7, they are now 29 and 31.  I already had almost grown up daughters of my own who were 17 and 19 when we met, so I thought raising two more would be fairly straightforward! I was soon disabused of that notion - NPD BM had coached them to hate and thwart me whenever they could. It was so bad I disengaged after about a year although I didn't know what disengagement was to any degree - I just instinctively drew back. 

Having done that I still cooked for the SDs and bought them Xmas and birthday gifts. I didn't go anywhere with them and DH and I spent EOW being rather lonely and fed up on my own. This was quite a sacrifice as DH commuted and worked long hours so we only had one weekend a fortnight to be together. We moved further away to a larger house in 2020 and the SDs didn't like it, particularly SD31.  In 2022 at Easter we had them here for the day and she was absolutely awful, and continued to be awful to me by email and verbally to DH, calling me a wanker.   She called me a freeloader by email - an obvious bit of projection as that is what she is - DH is still sending her money each month.  At this point I cut off all contact with her and have not seen either SD for 4 yrs. I would still see SD29 but she won't come here because her sister isn't welcome.  Me estranging her did nearly cause the end of my marriage but in the end we worked through it, and I think DH understands it - he acknowledges she probably has borderline personality disorder.  

I can totally relate to this scenario- I think it is worse with SDs, I have adult SS and it's still bad enough that I distanced and do not make contact anymore. The years you poured into cooking, buying gifts and attempting to be supportive was never going to be enough because nothing you did would ever be seen as good, kind and positive. I understand the sacrifice too- I lived in DH and SKIDs hometown and it was really culturally amiss for me, 10+ lonely years of sacrifice away from family, friends, culture and diversity. I did it- but no one really recognized that I was vanishing in fact it just turned into more and more demands and more unpleasantness. Never really seeing the sacrifice. I bet no one recognized your lonely weekends either.

I believe one SKID has a personality disorder - vulnerable narcissist is more his style. I used to feed into that dynamic always trying to make it better for him but after awhile I grew tired of it all. He married a bride whose mom is NPD (classic garden variety narcissist) and it's a interesting dynamic between bride's mom being big, overconfident and revolving the world around her and her "rescue" instincts to save this poor soul from the grips of our parenting (stable, had everything he could ever want, vacationed 2-3 times a year, loved, cared for, etc) however SS's ballad took a different "poor old me tune". Once I walked away entirely from the whole mess I wonder how these two are playing in the sand box now? They don't have a common enemy (me) to come after. 

Hang in there. 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (3/24/2026 12:58 pm)

Merry wrote:

I have no relationship with SS. It’s not good, not bad. No active hate, or love. We get along fine when I see him, but it’s been 3 or 4 years. He makes no effort to see DH, but it’s not my problem to solve.

SD is a different story. She was in college when DH and I started dating, so we had no parental role issues. I think I’ve met BM once.

There were times that she was kind to me and I think she tried to accept me but I was just too much an outsider. DH’s family is very closed off anyway. When I did not assimilate to her liking and did not worship her, then I was out.

There was a bit of a Cold War for several years, and I grew especially resentful that SD controlled all holiday events . I deeply regret not seeing much of my own family during that time.

DH was her clown. He performed on cue, jumped at her command, excluded me for her comfort, and I lost a lot of respect for him. She always had to be the smartest, funniest, prettiest, and always right about everything. She competed with everybody for DH’s attention, including her own brother. Her “me me me” behavior was hard to take.

At one point DH had to choose his partner—his wife or his daughter. There was a situation with our old dog with cancer, and DH was willing to abandon me and the dog when SD wanted him to do something else. That was the beginning of the end of SD’s power. And even though DH ultimately supported me, I will never forgive him for his willingness to “obey SD” when the dog and I needed him. Hurting me all those holidays (and other times) was one thing—but my sick dog now too? Hell no.

Several years later, after another event that was also about her lack of power, I was selfishly glad when she declared that she no longer wanted a relationship with DH. She has been unwilling to tell him why or have a discussion about it, including a discussion led by her own therapist. Of course I know why—if she no longer has complete power over him, he is no longer useful to her.

The whole thing is so sad and so stupid. I know DH is sad about it but it really isn’t a factor in our daily lives.

Merry I totally get this- 

Re: Sick dog with cancer and adult SD pushing for attention during that time - of course. Selfish, uncaring and what a B. On the human front a very important family member of mine died- everyone knew it. SS came to visit and during the visit said absolutely nothing, showed no concern for me and didn't even acknowledge it just grunted and seemed annoyed when DH brought it up. No follow up questions just bothered with having to deal with it. Then a distant non-close relative that SS had very little dealings with and was ABUSIVE passed and suddenly adult SS is inconsolable - we all had to understand that he was "going through a tide of emotions" - not able to come to dinner on time leaving his grandpa waiting and the rest of us...because the emotion is too much. Not able to act properly and be rude - excused as he's so sad! You name it that baby did it - 2 hours hot shower using all water in the water heater while the rest of us had cold showers, just thing after thing. 

Here you are with your sick dog and there is no remorse or care. It's hard to believe we deal in these realities but when the door swings the other way - where is the step family for the stepmom? No where to be seen. 

advice.only2 wrote:

For me it was when we found out Spawn was planning to help Meth Mouth in court by claiming false abuse allegations against us.  Until that moment I kept holding out hope that maybe Spawn would have some sort of loyalty towards her dad, but once we found that out I realized she never would.  I sat down with her and DH and let her know I was disengaging and that I hoped she would get out of our small town and away from her toxic parents and go find her own path in life and figure out who she is as a person without her mother manipulating her.  I told her I was there to talk if she ever wanted to, but that I would not be actively pursuing a relationship with her.  After that we never spoke again and she moved out several months later.  That was back in 2014 and I haven't seen or spoken to Spawn since.  I know she did move away for a bit, but came back and is now married with stepkids and her own children.  

Yeah...I had the "abuse" claim thrown around lightly by one adult SS in his early 20s- I looked him square in the eye said, let's get down to the facts. When did it happen? Where? Tell us because if you feel endangered by me we want to really understand it. He stared blankly blinking his eyes. I think he'd told this story to himself and likely others- I can tell you neither DH nor I laid a hand on the kid nor even raised our voices- there was very little discipline going on (not my choice) but I can tell you there was absolutely nothing that could even have looked like abuse. 

Your situation is telling and don't forget they tell themselves the same lie over and over again it becomes "their distorted reality." Just like you I distanced and my statement to SKID was "WELL if that happened then we need to keep you safe! Best that I distance." Distancing is the best thing that I ever did because the real abuse and manipulation was coming from the adult SKID and once I let the rope drop WOW my life became dramatically better and less stressful. 

Maybe your SKID will have some step karma with her own step kids....

MorningMia wrote:

It was definitely in phases, fits and starts. I went 7 years with zero contact with SD (then she wanted "to make amends" = wanted money for her wedding. There were hopes now and then of  "they're older now; maybe they've matured." When DH had his health crisis, I thought the untrained monkeys could hold it together for a short period during a trying time. WRONG. 

I think everyone here knows my final slamming of the door was at that point 3 years ago (also when I joined ST/SC). In hindsight, I would have done it much sooner and held my ground. Oh well. Better late than never.  

I get this @MorningMia- sometimes there's the final slamming of the door- I had it happen 2x in separate instances after I just had enough of the garbage. There's just a time in your life where you look around and think "why am I doin this? This doesn't serve me." When that happens and you have your final moment there's some processing that goes on but life actually becomes better for you and life likely stays the same for them. So it's a win-even - you win with higher quality of life and scrap the abuse/bad treatment and they don't win or lose because to them you are nothing. You aren't hurting them at all - just an object to fling pain onto. They didn't care about me from the beginning and me exiting their lives they still don't care and so I feel at peace that I am not doing anything that is harmful. I fully promote DH seeing the SKIDs which is not very often (their choice) but I no longer have to subject myself to the garbage.  

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (3/24/2026 1:03 pm)

Rags wrote:

ImperfectlyPerfect- It certainly can be freeing when we finally reach the point of write off and commitment to minimalizing the toxic drama and manipulation these types always seem to emanate.  

However, any time we allow then back in, even a little, there always seems to be a nearly instant return to their usual stuff.  I unserstand the feelings that our mates have regarding much of this.  However, we owe ourselves a life of peace and enjoyment.  Anyone or anything that threatens that peace has no place.  Even if they may be important to our life partner.  

For me, that is the challenging balance.  Recognizing the importance of them to our mates, yet defending the gates from their assaults.

Take care of yourself.  We cannot fix them.  We all need to recognize this.  IMHO of course.

100% correct - we OWE ourselves peace and enjoyment. I also agree that letting them back in will only cause the same troubles- we've all done it. Sage advice here. I truly believe any further re-introduction will be met with problems- I have not known an interaction to be nice, respectful and good. The best it has been is SKIDs "tolerating me". Who needs to feel tolerated? We deserve to be celebrated and be surrounded by love. 
 

MorningMia wrote:

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

MorningMia wrote:

It was definitely in phases, fits and starts. I went 7 years with zero contact with SD (then she wanted "to make amends" = wanted money for her wedding. There were hopes now and then of  "they're older now; maybe they've matured." When DH had his health crisis, I thought the untrained monkeys could hold it together for a short period during a trying time. WRONG. 

I think everyone here knows my final slamming of the door was at that point 3 years ago (also when I joined ST/SC). In hindsight, I would have done it much sooner and held my ground. Oh well. Better late than never.  

I get this @MorningMia- sometimes there's the final slamming of the door- I had it happen 2x in separate instances after I just had enough of the garbage. There's just a time in your life where you look around and think "why am I doin this? This doesn't serve me." When that happens and you have your final moment there's some processing that goes on but life actually becomes better for you and life likely stays the same for them. So it's a win-even - you win with higher quality of life and scrap the abuse/bad treatment and they don't win or lose because to them you are nothing. You aren't hurting them at all - just an object to fling pain onto. They didn't care about me from the beginning and me exiting their lives they still don't care and so I feel at peace that I am not doing anything that is harmful. I fully promote DH seeing the SKIDs which is not very often (their choice) but I no longer have to subject myself to the garbage.  

My skids definitely lost, but not because I'm no longer in their lives. Their bad behavior through the years led to them having a distant and shallow relationship with their father--the opposite of what they wanted. It's ironic because they thought by him marrying me, they were losing him, then they acted out because they thought they were losing him, and their acting out led to them losing him, or losing the relationship they wanted with him (which may have been unrealistic anyway, because he was kind of a controlled puppet at times). 

It was clear they wanted him to choose between them (and their mother) and me, and he, pushed into a corner by them, chose me and our marriage. Even though I, too, promoted DH going to visit his kids, it was all on their part --particularly SD's--a self-fulfilling prophecy.  They lost and they blame me for that. None of it had to end up this way. Oh well. 

 
 

Also agree @MorningMia- both kids have a shallow and distant relationship with DH - their choice. Although I didn't have as extreme a case as you with your SDs- the adult SSs tried tirelessly to push for money, resources and everything to suck the DH and I dry. At first we were more liberal and as they entered into big boy stage I started to retract my resources - because after all they were making big boy decisions that means you're able to be a big boy right? I also had to start looking at my younger self at their age and I was financially independent not mooching off my parents. Once I started retracting, DH started retracting too- his choice. They began to act out by withholding GSKIDs, not visiting and not initiating anything. I stopped putting myself in the middle to orchestrate expensive (and miserable for me) vacations where everyone benefited and I was left stressed out at the end. I started pouring my resources into things I LIKE and LOVE- travel, crafts you name it and started to see that I liked that MUCH better. DH started to see that was more fun too and began doing his version of that. SKIDs feel entitled and don't feel that we are doing our job for them - I've even been asked "when am I going to die" and they've assumed they are inheriting from me. NOT THE CASE. I am healthy vivacious woman who doesn't see an opportunity yet to call it quits on life - in fact I am healthier than both of the adult male SKIDs! 

So my SKIDs lost too and it's all on them for their entitlement. Sounds like your SKIDs felt entitled too- to be honest I think there is a generation of entitlement going on, there may be a wave of MANY parents and stepparents who just drop the rope.

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (3/26/2026 9:02 am)