I have been with my DH for 24 years or so and when I met him my SDs were aged 5 and 7, they are now 29 and 31.  I already had almost grown up daughters of my own who were 17 and 19 when we met, so I thought raising two more would be fairly straightforward! I was soon disabused of that notion - NPD BM had coached them to hate and thwart me whenever they could. It was so bad I disengaged after about a year although I didn't know what disengagement was to any degree - I just instinctively drew back. 

Having done that I still cooked for the SDs and bought them Xmas and birthday gifts. I didn't go anywhere with them and DH and I spent EOW being rather lonely and fed up on my own. This was quite a sacrifice as DH commuted and worked long hours so we only had one weekend a fortnight to be together. We moved further away to a larger house in 2020 and the SDs didn't like it, particularly SD31.  In 2022 at Easter we had them here for the day and she was absolutely awful, and continued to be awful to me by email and verbally to DH, calling me a wanker.   She called me a freeloader by email - an obvious bit of projection as that is what she is - DH is still sending her money each month.  At this point I cut off all contact with her and have not seen either SD for 4 yrs. I would still see SD29 but she won't come here because her sister isn't welcome.  Me estranging her did nearly cause the end of my marriage but in the end we worked through it, and I think DH understands it - he acknowledges she probably has borderline personality disorder.  

Last edited by Kes (3/21/2026 11:11 am)

I have no relationship with SS. It’s not good, not bad. No active hate, or love. We get along fine when I see him, but it’s been 3 or 4 years. He makes no effort to see DH, but it’s not my problem to solve.

SD is a different story. She was in college when DH and I started dating, so we had no parental role issues. I think I’ve met BM once.

There were times that she was kind to me and I think she tried to accept me but I was just too much an outsider. DH’s family is very closed off anyway. When I did not assimilate to her liking and did not worship her, then I was out.

There was a bit of a Cold War for several years, and I grew especially resentful that SD controlled all holiday events . I deeply regret not seeing much of my own family during that time.

DH was her clown. He performed on cue, jumped at her command, excluded me for her comfort, and I lost a lot of respect for him. She always had to be the smartest, funniest, prettiest, and always right about everything. She competed with everybody for DH’s attention, including her own brother. Her “me me me” behavior was hard to take.

At one point DH had to choose his partner—his wife or his daughter. There was a situation with our old dog with cancer, and DH was willing to abandon me and the dog when SD wanted him to do something else. That was the beginning of the end of SD’s power. And even though DH ultimately supported me, I will never forgive him for his willingness to “obey SD” when the dog and I needed him. Hurting me all those holidays (and other times) was one thing—but my sick dog now too? Hell no.

Several years later, after another event that was also about her lack of power, I was selfishly glad when she declared that she no longer wanted a relationship with DH. She has been unwilling to tell him why or have a discussion about it, including a discussion led by her own therapist. Of course I know why—if she no longer has complete power over him, he is no longer useful to her.

The whole thing is so sad and so stupid. I know DH is sad about it but it really isn’t a factor in our daily lives.

For me it was when we found out Spawn was planning to help Meth Mouth in court by claiming false abuse allegations against us.  Until that moment I kept holding out hope that maybe Spawn would have some sort of loyalty towards her dad, but once we found that out I realized she never would.  I sat down with her and DH and let her know I was disengaging and that I hoped she would get out of our small town and away from her toxic parents and go find her own path in life and figure out who she is as a person without her mother manipulating her.  I told her I was there to talk if she ever wanted to, but that I would not be actively pursuing a relationship with her.  After that we never spoke again and she moved out several months later.  That was back in 2014 and I haven't seen or spoken to Spawn since.  I know she did move away for a bit, but came back and is now married with stepkids and her own children.  

When the Girhippo reported us to CPS even though she was the abusive one and who winked at the skids' truancy.  At the time, she WORKED for CPS in the next county over.  Then she ran it up the flagpole and had Chef listed on the NYS Child Abuse and Maltreatment Registry.  She was seething with rage when it was proclaimed "unfounded."  Somehow there was a "clerical error"  so that we didn't get the original CPS report to dispute. 

soverytired wrote:

Imperfectly perfect, this is a great question… it’s “the straw that broke the camel’s back “ for me. It happened one year ago, having been married to DH 30+ years at the time and SD was 43yo (!!!). He was custodial parent of SD since she was 2yo & she was 12 when we married. We got along so very well before the marriage or I wouldn’t have married him.
About 1 year in, she began to be snippy with me. It quickly escalated and turned into snotty comments , passive aggressive behavior (ignoring me, never looking at me, etc), telling lies, sneaking around, not doing her schoolwork, and on and on. I had a baby when she was 14yo. DH traveled a lot, had a very demanding career. Her mom is unreliable and awful, in every way. So I tolerated SD’s horrible behavior, had her attend therapy and get help with school. They all said she was fine, just didn’t want to do the work & that everything was my fault. Ugh.
Fast forward to her 20’s: the only boundary I set and kept was not allowing her to move back in after “running away “. Throughout her poor choices and rudeness, I continued to include her in family events, holidays, etc. We brought her on a few lovely vacations over the years too. I bought her lots of gifts, cooked for her, etc. I tried to be a mom to her, as best I could without making her mad. She completely disengaged from her own mom at about age 27. But for her whole life, SD had wonderful grandparents and Aunts on my DH’s side.


I put up with her, was always walking on eggshells around her and tried being there for her emotionally (as a mom figure) because I felt sorry for her and also for the sake of my marriage. Periodically, she’d fall apart and need help financially. Finally, when she turned 40yo, I began to think… when will she grow up? When will she truly care about her dad?? When will she EVER buy us or make us a cup of tea or coffee?? I was exhausted from her and her nasty ways. She hasn’t married.
My DH and I have two functioning adult children together, just to let it be known. Thank God for them!

SD had a really bad breakdown at 42yo and dumped all her problems on us… she’d ruined her finances, her apartment, her health, neglected her dog. I had been telling DH she didn’t seem good for a long time but he’d never bring anything up with her directly (they both truly hate confrontation and will avoid it at all costs). So all those problems were dumped on us! Even roaches into our house… I was horrified. Of course, we once again rescued her.
So about five months later, when we were seeing her for lunch and checking that her new apartment was clean, I asked her kindly if she was ok. She went absolutely ballistic on me, screaming, etc. I was shocked. She is truly scary. So a few days later, I put my foot down and told DH no more contact for me. About 4 months ago, I told him I’ll talk with her but only one on one. She likes to have an audience so others can see how nice she is. But this is between two adult women: she and me. Period. The ball is in her court and she hasn’t contacted me yet.
I felt bad for a long time and worried about my husband and our relationship. He seems ok at this point and I think he’s happy I’m willing to talk with SD, but he knows she must take the first step.
I’m glad I don’t have to see her. It caused me stomach pains, heart palpitations, headaches. I’m too old for this anymore.
That’s my very long story of my breaking point. It was a very long time coming 🌸

I wondered the same thing on whether one SKID would ever grow up....I am still wondering that but I have protected myself from his continued fallout. I feel you on this - I am constantly plagued with requests on "how to solve financial messes" that were 100% avoidable - bad choices and more bad choices, at one point I was paying for food for a grown adult male who wasn't making it financially because he refused to take a second job (he was part time virtual gig...could have picked up a weekend job or drove taxi, etc) and/or finish his degree so he could get a better paying job. The food purchases came with a clause- I will do this for 8 weeks with no strings attached and after that we will continue if you do one of those two things. He didn't and in fact complained that he should not have to do that- he felt entitled. I reflected back on my 20s and even into my 30s - I was more than willing to do work on weekends, take 2nd and 3rd jobs to make ends meet and try desperately to save. I didn't call mommy and daddy to bail me out, I made it happen. Why is an adult male incapable of the same?

Your SD sounds similar. No amount of time, effort and resources you place is going to fix this mindset. 

As for her going ballistic on you- that's projection. I get that too by this one SKID. he's more than happy " to make an example out of me" in hostile and unkind ways if there's an audience. I made a decision after the last disrespectful act in front of my family and neighbors that I am no longer interested in hosting him nor having him know/meet any of my lovely community- he can't behave kind, he's hostile so DH goes to visit and does things with him outside of my activities. This is an excellent arrangement, I highly recommend it. 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (3/25/2026 9:55 am)

advice.only2 wrote:

For me it was when we found out Spawn was planning to help Meth Mouth in court by claiming false abuse allegations against us.  Until that moment I kept holding out hope that maybe Spawn would have some sort of loyalty towards her dad, but once we found that out I realized she never would.  I sat down with her and DH and let her know I was disengaging and that I hoped she would get out of our small town and away from her toxic parents and go find her own path in life and figure out who she is as a person without her mother manipulating her.  I told her I was there to talk if she ever wanted to, but that I would not be actively pursuing a relationship with her.  After that we never spoke again and she moved out several months later.  That was back in 2014 and I haven't seen or spoken to Spawn since.  I know she did move away for a bit, but came back and is now married with stepkids and her own children.  

Yeah...I had the "abuse" claim thrown around lightly by one adult SS in his early 20s- I looked him square in the eye said, let's get down to the facts. When did it happen? Where? Tell us because if you feel endangered by me we want to really understand it. He stared blankly blinking his eyes. I think he'd told this story to himself and likely others- I can tell you neither DH nor I laid a hand on the kid nor even raised our voices- there was very little discipline going on (not my choice) but I can tell you there was absolutely nothing that could even have looked like abuse. 

Your situation is telling and don't forget they tell themselves the same lie over and over again it becomes "their distorted reality." Just like you I distanced and my statement to SKID was "WELL if that happened then we need to keep you safe! Best that I distance." Distancing is the best thing that I ever did because the real abuse and manipulation was coming from the adult SKID and once I let the rope drop WOW my life became dramatically better and less stressful. 

Maybe your SKID will have some step karma with her own step kids....

MorningMia wrote:

It was definitely in phases, fits and starts. I went 7 years with zero contact with SD (then she wanted "to make amends" = wanted money for her wedding. There were hopes now and then of  "they're older now; maybe they've matured." When DH had his health crisis, I thought the untrained monkeys could hold it together for a short period during a trying time. WRONG. 

I think everyone here knows my final slamming of the door was at that point 3 years ago (also when I joined ST/SC). In hindsight, I would have done it much sooner and held my ground. Oh well. Better late than never.  

I get this @MorningMia- sometimes there's the final slamming of the door- I had it happen 2x in separate instances after I just had enough of the garbage. There's just a time in your life where you look around and think "why am I doin this? This doesn't serve me." When that happens and you have your final moment there's some processing that goes on but life actually becomes better for you and life likely stays the same for them. So it's a win-even - you win with higher quality of life and scrap the abuse/bad treatment and they don't win or lose because to them you are nothing. You aren't hurting them at all - just an object to fling pain onto. They didn't care about me from the beginning and me exiting their lives they still don't care and so I feel at peace that I am not doing anything that is harmful. I fully promote DH seeing the SKIDs which is not very often (their choice) but I no longer have to subject myself to the garbage.  

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (3/24/2026 1:03 pm)

MorningMia wrote:

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

MorningMia wrote:

It was definitely in phases, fits and starts. I went 7 years with zero contact with SD (then she wanted "to make amends" = wanted money for her wedding. There were hopes now and then of  "they're older now; maybe they've matured." When DH had his health crisis, I thought the untrained monkeys could hold it together for a short period during a trying time. WRONG. 

I think everyone here knows my final slamming of the door was at that point 3 years ago (also when I joined ST/SC). In hindsight, I would have done it much sooner and held my ground. Oh well. Better late than never.  

I get this @MorningMia- sometimes there's the final slamming of the door- I had it happen 2x in separate instances after I just had enough of the garbage. There's just a time in your life where you look around and think "why am I doin this? This doesn't serve me." When that happens and you have your final moment there's some processing that goes on but life actually becomes better for you and life likely stays the same for them. So it's a win-even - you win with higher quality of life and scrap the abuse/bad treatment and they don't win or lose because to them you are nothing. You aren't hurting them at all - just an object to fling pain onto. They didn't care about me from the beginning and me exiting their lives they still don't care and so I feel at peace that I am not doing anything that is harmful. I fully promote DH seeing the SKIDs which is not very often (their choice) but I no longer have to subject myself to the garbage.  

My skids definitely lost, but not because I'm no longer in their lives. Their bad behavior through the years led to them having a distant and shallow relationship with their father--the opposite of what they wanted. It's ironic because they thought by him marrying me, they were losing him, then they acted out because they thought they were losing him, and their acting out led to them losing him, or losing the relationship they wanted with him (which may have been unrealistic anyway, because he was kind of a controlled puppet at times). 

It was clear they wanted him to choose between them (and their mother) and me, and he, pushed into a corner by them, chose me and our marriage. Even though I, too, promoted DH going to visit his kids, it was all on their part --particularly SD's--a self-fulfilling prophecy.  They lost and they blame me for that. None of it had to end up this way. Oh well. 

 
 

Also agree @MorningMia- both kids have a shallow and distant relationship with DH - their choice. Although I didn't have as extreme a case as you with your SDs- the adult SSs tried tirelessly to push for money, resources and everything to suck the DH and I dry. At first we were more liberal and as they entered into big boy stage I started to retract my resources - because after all they were making big boy decisions that means you're able to be a big boy right? I also had to start looking at my younger self at their age and I was financially independent not mooching off my parents. Once I started retracting, DH started retracting too- his choice. They began to act out by withholding GSKIDs, not visiting and not initiating anything. I stopped putting myself in the middle to orchestrate expensive (and miserable for me) vacations where everyone benefited and I was left stressed out at the end. I started pouring my resources into things I LIKE and LOVE- travel, crafts you name it and started to see that I liked that MUCH better. DH started to see that was more fun too and began doing his version of that. SKIDs feel entitled and don't feel that we are doing our job for them - I've even been asked "when am I going to die" and they've assumed they are inheriting from me. NOT THE CASE. I am healthy vivacious woman who doesn't see an opportunity yet to call it quits on life - in fact I am healthier than both of the adult male SKIDs! 

So my SKIDs lost too and it's all on them for their entitlement. Sounds like your SKIDs felt entitled too- to be honest I think there is a generation of entitlement going on, there may be a wave of MANY parents and stepparents who just drop the rope.

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (3/26/2026 9:02 am)