PerfectlyImperfect -  I have no supporting data for this opinion. But... it is abudently clear to me that many who end up on the Family Law bench are far from top legal tallent or minds.  Performance would indicate that many of them are the bottom 10%ers of the legal world.   So often there is zero indication of higher order cerebral function in many of their decisions.  When one of the robed toddler hammer slinging dipshits drops the "... now I am just going to do what I always do" there should be the ability to not only appeal  but to sue that Judge for compensatory and punitive damages for their idiocy.

But noooooooo.  They get to go home and avoid any consequences for their stupidity when kids, parents, and growing families suffer.  

It should be that those damaged by idiot Judicial decisions can go after anything and everything that Judicial moron has ever earned. will ever earn or owns.  Stupid decisions impact not only the Petitioner and Respondent, but also their families.  So, the idiot Judge should take the same risks when issuing an order.  If they are idiots, their idiot choices should have potential impact to their own families through civil action. Having the Judge live with skin in the game of their rulings would go a long way to improving legal decisions.  Particularly when they risk not only their own career but their family's financial position.  Custody decisions, CS decisions, visitation decisions have long term impact on the parties to the case on many levels. Financial, familial, etc...  A Judge should live the same exposures based on their decisions.

But, that is not reality. Unfortunately.

All IMHO of course.

Tryingjusttrying wrote:

Rags wrote:

Tryingjusttrying wrote:

The big takeaway for me is that there was no reason for me to subject myself to all the distress of being a target of SS's unresolved anger and scapegoating. I'm never again going to sacrifice my health and peace of mind at the altar of SS. 

Sadly and far too often there is a default for a SParent to regularly sacrifice themselves on the altar of SParental martyrdom to the failed family baggage of a mate.  

That baggage is often toxic failed family progeny, Xs, XILs, our own current ILs who have some insane loyalty to the X of their own kidult child in a marriage to the SParent, and even our own mate who is fully invested in the Disney parent method and some insane commitment to an X and ill-behaved failed family minor and adult spawn.

I am completely and fully on team conditional love and conditional respect. It has to be earned.  Not just intermittently but incessantly.  Not only with SKids, but with BKs as well.  Though there is often a caveat related to BKs.  "I love you but I do not like you very much right now." is something I certainly heard a few times growing up.  Particularly during the teen boy brain fart years.

Exactly, Rags. You're right about my dh, I'll admit - he was a disney dad and maybe still is to a certain extent. But with your help and others on here, I really found my footing. When I put my foot down, my dh started to change his tune, and I am continuing to recognize my needs and defining boundaries. I recently saw a youtube video on protecting oneself against disrespect that crystallized many of the principles that have been repeated on this board. It was immensely helpful for me. I actually want to start a thread and post it there.

MorningMia, sorry to hear about your dog. My BS just got a cat, and he's already become so attached to her. They can be such a source of joy and comfort. It's very callous of your SKs not to even acknowledge the passing.

PerfectlyImperfect - "Yeah....I had a relative pass away and 1 SKID who was visiting lost a distant relative whom he had infrequent contact with- extremely limited relationship. I was expected to feel for the SKID, wish him my condolences but there was NO expectation of the SKID to wish me anything - he stared blankly at me. My love IS conditional- it can not be expected that I am suppose to show empathy, sorrow, condolences and you can show nothing but apathy towards my situation."

This dynamic drives me crazy. I think it's fueled by the unrealistic tropes about stepparents, especially stepmoms. I also internalized these tropes. Because of the evil stepmom tropes, we have to over-compensate and do even more than even the typical bio-mom to get half the credit, and often any disrespect from SK is excused because we're probably being mean to them anyway, and probably they've had it tough, so to compensate, the least we can do is take it. A few years ago, dh and I ran into BM who was thrilled to see us. At the time, she was on this kick where she would go on and on about SS with us. I'm pretty sure it's because she knew he and I didn't get along, so it was a way for her to show her importance to dh and to exclude me. In any case, she was venting about how SS was messy and lazy. She even called him a pig and filthy, and said 'no wonder he keeps getting fired from jobs.' My dh just shrugged and chuckled about it. I was gobsmacked because dh would become enraged at me even if I just wanted to point out a neutral fact about SS that was unflattering. It is not okay for anyone to disrespect us and to treat so unfairly. I see tht more clearly now.

Totally true @TryingJustTrying- the unfairness is so blatant - it's made me realize that it is an absolutely turned around upside down reality that I have no part in fixing. I don't try to be the very good SM anymore in fact I do almost nothing and I POUR all that energy back into myself. It's been amazing what I have accomplished by doing what a normal man does for himself - it would be labeled as "selfish" for me as a SM not to be a martyr but after years of this totally a** backward way I realized this does not serve me AT ALL. So I don't even wish holidays or happy bdays- I don't try to exist at all in their worlds and frankly they don't exist too much in mine either. It's been peaceful and I am thriving. Hope you are too.  
 

ThirdChildSecondWife wrote:

I'm sorry to read about your dog. I wish my skid would disappear to wherever yours went.

Thank you.

I had to giggle a little when I read your second sentence. 

Can you share your story? (I'm sorry if I've missed it) -- nevermind. found it. 

Last edited by MorningMia (Yesterday 5:59 am)