How are you feeling about that? With SS away at college, I'm finding it quite peaceful. I'm enjoying the absence of ongoing stress, which feels more and more like a distant memory. At the same time, the quiet has been kind of a blank canvas in which all sorts of unresolved feelings have been appearing. 

SS hasn't stayed over night here for like 6-8 months. His bedroom is exactly as he left it, so there are plenty of his things here. One day, I would like to convert it for another purpose, but I'm afraid of the anger that such a request could trigger in DH. I'm okay with it is as because I understand that college students need to know that there is room for them at their parents' home.

The big takeaway for me is that there was no reason for me to subject myself to all the distress of being a target of SS's unresolved anger and scapegoating. I'm never again going to sacrifice my health and peace of mind at the altar of SS. 

Yeah....I had a relative pass away and 1 SKID who was visiting lost a distant relative whom he had infrequent contact with- extremely limited relationship. I was expected to feel for the SKID, wish him my condolences but there was NO expectation of the SKID to wish me anything - he stared blankly at me. My love IS conditional- it can not be expected that I am suppose to show empathy, sorrow, condolences and you can show nothing but apathy towards my situation. this was a great example of us both having a relative pass and adult male expecting ALL the treatment and grace - he acted out like a big old baby the entire time he was here excusing it for his grief and then there I am in the very same situation with a relative I actually had a more significant relationship with and I am expected to button it up with nothing in return- not even an acknowledgment. I sat silently with my grief and had to endure the pain of SKID lashing out. 
The dress - I am glad you sold it and I feel similar I don't feel I owe them much and I don't really care to have many reminders - it's always the same punishing environment with no reciprocation. Time to move on without a lot of that baggage saddled and strapped. Sell the things and move on to happier times @MorningMia. 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (3/09/2026 11:33 am)

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

Yeah....I had a relative pass away and 1 SKID who was visiting lost a distant relative whom he had infrequent contact with- extremely limited relationship. I was expected to feel for the SKID, wish him my condolences but there was NO expectation of the SKID to wish me anything - he stared blankly at me. My love IS conditional- it can not be expected that I am suppose to show empathy, sorrow, condolences and you can show nothing but apathy towards my situation. this was a great example of us both having a relative pass and adult male expecting ALL the treatment and grace - he acted out like a big old baby the entire time he was here excusing it for his grief and then there I am in the very same situation with a relative I actually had a more significant relationship with and I am expected to button it up with nothing in return- not even an acknowledgment. I sat silently with my grief and had to endure the pain of SKID lashing out. 
The dress - I am glad you sold it and I feel similar I don't feel I owe them much and I don't really care to have many reminders - it's always the same punishing environment with no reciprocation. Time to move on without a lot of that baggage saddled and strapped. Sell the things and move on to happier times @MorningMia. 

I felt sadness and some fury reading this. SD emailed me when my mother died. I hadn't heard from her in a long time. We really didn't have a relationship. And she inserted her mother into her fake condolence message. Silly me thought: Oh, she's reaching out (even though she inserted mommy), so I replied, only to get a big nothing in response. These people really are so selfish and cruel. And you are so right: it IS always the same punishing environment with zero reciprocation! 

MorningMia wrote:

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

Yeah....I had a relative pass away and 1 SKID who was visiting lost a distant relative whom he had infrequent contact with- extremely limited relationship. I was expected to feel for the SKID, wish him my condolences but there was NO expectation of the SKID to wish me anything - he stared blankly at me. My love IS conditional- it can not be expected that I am suppose to show empathy, sorrow, condolences and you can show nothing but apathy towards my situation. this was a great example of us both having a relative pass and adult male expecting ALL the treatment and grace - he acted out like a big old baby the entire time he was here excusing it for his grief and then there I am in the very same situation with a relative I actually had a more significant relationship with and I am expected to button it up with nothing in return- not even an acknowledgment. I sat silently with my grief and had to endure the pain of SKID lashing out. 
The dress - I am glad you sold it and I feel similar I don't feel I owe them much and I don't really care to have many reminders - it's always the same punishing environment with no reciprocation. Time to move on without a lot of that baggage saddled and strapped. Sell the things and move on to happier times @MorningMia. 

I felt sadness and some fury reading this. SD emailed me when my mother died. I hadn't heard from her in a long time. We really didn't have a relationship. And she inserted her mother into her fake condolence message. Silly me thought: Oh, she's reaching out (even though she inserted mommy), so I replied, only to get a big nothing in response. These people really are so selfish and cruel. And you are so right: it IS always the same punishing environment with zero reciprocation! 

It's like we are all living the same nightmare except as we figure out that it only gets worse we find ways to contain it. I treat it like a bad news show- I accidentally get exposed to it once and awhile but most of the time its not a digital screen that DH deals with because SKIDs don't visit so I just stay away whenever the calls come in and I know if one day I have to be around for one of them I will can always just turn off the channel. 

Back to another great piece of wisdom on this threat- sometimes the silence can be tough at first because all the emotions and resentment bubble up to the surface but if you DEAL with those emotions and ride them out eventually things do even out for you. I still get ticked at the historic treatment and sometimes triggered but I guarantee it does get better. And actions like "selling the dress" or throwing out the dog bowls (in my case) actually do lead to closure in my humble opinion. Stay the course- put yourself first and just leave those SKIDs to find someone else to mistreat. Also note my SKIDS don't have much of a life and are not interesting, worldly or smart - so I remember every time I don't have to put energy into them that I have an opportunity to do something that enhances my life rather than detracts or neutralizes it. That's a good headspace to think about it in- if they are doing that to you, you have better things to do with your time.
 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (3/09/2026 8:37 pm)

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

MorningMia wrote:

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

Yeah....I had a relative pass away and 1 SKID who was visiting lost a distant relative whom he had infrequent contact with- extremely limited relationship. I was expected to feel for the SKID, wish him my condolences but there was NO expectation of the SKID to wish me anything - he stared blankly at me. My love IS conditional- it can not be expected that I am suppose to show empathy, sorrow, condolences and you can show nothing but apathy towards my situation. this was a great example of us both having a relative pass and adult male expecting ALL the treatment and grace - he acted out like a big old baby the entire time he was here excusing it for his grief and then there I am in the very same situation with a relative I actually had a more significant relationship with and I am expected to button it up with nothing in return- not even an acknowledgment. I sat silently with my grief and had to endure the pain of SKID lashing out. 
The dress - I am glad you sold it and I feel similar I don't feel I owe them much and I don't really care to have many reminders - it's always the same punishing environment with no reciprocation. Time to move on without a lot of that baggage saddled and strapped. Sell the things and move on to happier times @MorningMia. 

I felt sadness and some fury reading this. SD emailed me when my mother died. I hadn't heard from her in a long time. We really didn't have a relationship. And she inserted her mother into her fake condolence message. Silly me thought: Oh, she's reaching out (even though she inserted mommy), so I replied, only to get a big nothing in response. These people really are so selfish and cruel. And you are so right: it IS always the same punishing environment with zero reciprocation! 

It's like we are all living the same nightmare except as we figure out that it only gets worse we find ways to contain it. I treat it like a bad news show- I accidentally get exposed to it once and awhile but most of the time its not a digital screen that DH deals with because SKIDs don't visit so I just stay away whenever the calls come in and I know if one day I have to be around for one of them I will can always just turn off the channel. 

Back to another great piece of wisdom on this threat- sometimes the silence can be tough at first because all the emotions and resentment bubble up to the surface but if you DEAL with those emotions and ride them out eventually things do even out for you. I still get ticked at the historic treatment and sometimes triggered but I guarantee it does get better. And actions like "selling the dress" or throwing out the dog bowls (in my case) actually do lead to closure in my humble opinion. Stay the course- put yourself first and just leave those SKIDs to find someone else to mistreat. Also note my SKIDS don't have much of a life and are not interesting, worldly or smart - so I remember every time I don't have to put energy into them that I have an opportunity to do something that enhances my life rather than detracts or neutralizes it. That's a good headspace to think about it in- if they are doing that to you, you have better things to do with your time.
 

Not that I'm doing it for this reason, but I think one of the worst "punishments" for the skids is us not crying over, whining over, or pining for them--no reaction from us. That was clearly a goal of theirs for years. I think it probably especially burns their mother that the dangling of the widdle grandchildren like carrots hasn't worked. I wouldn't know those kids if they were playing in my driveway. 

When I was connected with the skids via social media, I knew (I could feel it) they enjoyed the games (from their end), and there were many. DH always said, "People [meaning his kids] use social media to hurt each other and start wars." Their treatment of us (on and off social media--primarily off) caused us to say to one another, "My God, we're treated like child molesters." DH confronted them with that one. No response. They feel justified. They are also beholden to their mother, the master. 

With these types, it is best to just give up and move on.  "You win! Wow! Look at the prize!" 

MorningMia wrote:

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

MorningMia wrote:

I felt sadness and some fury reading this. SD emailed me when my mother died. I hadn't heard from her in a long time. We really didn't have a relationship. And she inserted her mother into her fake condolence message. Silly me thought: Oh, she's reaching out (even though she inserted mommy), so I replied, only to get a big nothing in response. These people really are so selfish and cruel. And you are so right: it IS always the same punishing environment with zero reciprocation! 

It's like we are all living the same nightmare except as we figure out that it only gets worse we find ways to contain it. I treat it like a bad news show- I accidentally get exposed to it once and awhile but most of the time its not a digital screen that DH deals with because SKIDs don't visit so I just stay away whenever the calls come in and I know if one day I have to be around for one of them I will can always just turn off the channel. 

Back to another great piece of wisdom on this threat- sometimes the silence can be tough at first because all the emotions and resentment bubble up to the surface but if you DEAL with those emotions and ride them out eventually things do even out for you. I still get ticked at the historic treatment and sometimes triggered but I guarantee it does get better. And actions like "selling the dress" or throwing out the dog bowls (in my case) actually do lead to closure in my humble opinion. Stay the course- put yourself first and just leave those SKIDs to find someone else to mistreat. Also note my SKIDS don't have much of a life and are not interesting, worldly or smart - so I remember every time I don't have to put energy into them that I have an opportunity to do something that enhances my life rather than detracts or neutralizes it. That's a good headspace to think about it in- if they are doing that to you, you have better things to do with your time.
 

Not that I'm doing it for this reason, but I think one of the worst "punishments" for the skids is us not crying over, whining over, or pining for them--no reaction from us. That was clearly a goal of theirs for years. I think it probably especially burns their mother that the dangling of the widdle grandchildren like carrots hasn't worked. I wouldn't know those kids if they were playing in my driveway. 

When I was connected with the skids via social media, I knew (I could feel it) they enjoyed the games (from their end), and there were many. DH always said, "People [meaning his kids] use social media to hurt each other and start wars." Their treatment of us (on and off social media--primarily off) caused us to say to one another, "My God, we're treated like child molesters." DH confronted them with that one. No response. They feel justified. They are also beholden to their mother, the master. 

With these types, it is best to just give up and move on.  "You win! Wow! Look at the prize!" 

Same regarding the grandSKIDs- I fully promote DH doing whatever he needs to do (pretty minimal interaction) and I, too, wouldn't recognize them either. It truly amazes me that we all have such similar stories with SKIDs and grandSKIDs. This pattern makes me think that no matter who we are, what we do this persistent way of treatment is culturally built and there was no way this would have been different for the majority of us. It was doomed to fail from the start for us. 
 

I’m sorry about your dog. I lost my Velcro Dog suddenly over the summer. I cried for two weeks straight. I’ve had lots of great dogs, mourned them all.

Then a rescue dog with a rough start in life came to us in the fall, so the journey starts again.

Nothing from skids when we lost pets, or even my Mom, or really any other life event, good or bad. It’s a consistent pattern here from people who don’t want us in their lives. Ok, then I won’t be in their lives. Do they think that’s a punishment? For me, it’s peace.

Missk03 wrote:

I’m so sorry about the passing of your pup. They give more love than most humans..

Thank you. And I agree with you! 

MorningMia wrote:

I bought a really nice dress for SD's wedding 5 (or maybe 6) years ago. It was a beautiful dress, but I wore it only once. It just had that "stain" on it--the stain of being treated like crap. I didn't think about it much--just passed it by in my closet all these years. Until I finally decided to try to sell it online. It's been for sale for months (at least). Finally, someone bought it for about 15% of its original sale price. No complaints. I was close to giving it away. 

The day it sold, what pops up on my iCloud photo memories but photos of SD's wedding. I had forgotten the date (I'm not even sure of the exact year now). 

It struck me that the dress was the only remaining tangible item I have related to the skids, not that I ever had much. Except for occasional phone calls DH has with them, it's like they no longer exist. . . as if even memories of them have disappeared (we have no photos of them displayed in our home . . . DH's choice since we moved into this house). 

Yes, our elderly dog died recently (I can't do an individual post about this...I just can't) and neither skid apparently expressed any emotion to DH over it, not even their condolences to him. I wish he hadn't even told them. They didn't deserve to know. That may be part of why I'm feeling like they have disappeared. Really disappeared. It isn't even out of anger. . . it's just out of this feeling like "poof!" 

 

I am glad you are finding closure on a painful adult StepK chapter. Good for you in letting go, it will create room for something new and better to come into your life. 

My DH also has no photos of the diablas on display. When we remodeled a lot of photos went into storage and then when we moved the rest went into boxes that are now in our garage. DH has not bothered to unpack them and I have no desire to do it for them. I learned to stop trying to fix things for DH or SK's. I am not the fee fee whisperer. I step-back and let the natural flow carry on. If it isn't important to DH then why should it be important to me? These adult SK's treat me like crap on their shoe, why should I go out of my way to make them feel welcome when they can't treat me with even the most basic civility or courtesy? Can you imagine them putting a photo of me and DH up in their home? Lol, I don't think so. 

SDiablas were jealous of our dog. They did not give us condolences when she suddenly and tragically passed due to cancer. I still miss her every day. 

You're right about my dh, I'll admit - he was a disney dad and maybe still is to a certain extent. But with your help and others on here, I really found my footing. When I put my foot down, my dh started to change his tune, and I am continuing to recognize my needs and defining boundaries. I recently saw a youtube video on protecting oneself against disrespect that crystallized many of the principles that have been repeated on this board. It was immensely helpful for me. I actually want to start a thread and post it there.

MorningMia, sorry to hear about your dog. My BS just got a cat, and he's already become so attached to her. They can be such a source of joy and comfort. It's very callous of your SKs not to even acknowledge the passing.

PerfectlyImperfect - "Yeah....I had a relative pass away and 1 SKID who was visiting lost a distant relative whom he had infrequent contact with- extremely limited relationship. I was expected to feel for the SKID, wish him my condolences but there was NO expectation of the SKID to wish me anything - he stared blankly at me. My love IS conditional- it can not be expected that I am suppose to show empathy, sorrow, condolences and you can show nothing but apathy towards my situation."

This dynamic drives me crazy. I think it's fueled by the unrealistic tropes about stepparents, especially stepmoms. I also internalized these tropes. Because of the evil stepmom tropes, we have to over-compensate and do even more than even the typical bio-mom to get half the credit, and often any disrespect from SK is excused because we're probably being mean to them anyway, and probably they've had it tough, so to compensate, the least we can do is take it. A few years ago, dh and I ran into BM who was thrilled to see us. At the time, she was on this kick where she would go on and on about SS with us. I'm pretty sure it's because she knew he and I didn't get along, so it was a way for her to show her importance to dh and to exclude me. In any case, she was venting about how SS was messy and lazy. She even called him a pig and filthy, and said 'no wonder he keeps getting fired from jobs.' My dh just shrugged and chuckled about it. I was gobsmacked because dh would become enraged at me even if I just wanted to point out a neutral fact about SS that was unflattering. It is not okay for anyone to disrespect us and to treat so unfairly. I see tht more clearly now.

ThirdChildSecondWife wrote:

I'm sorry to read about your dog. I wish my skid would disappear to wherever yours went.

Thank you.

I had to giggle a little when I read your second sentence. 

Can you share your story? (I'm sorry if I've missed it) -- nevermind. found it. 

Last edited by MorningMia (4/15/2026 5:59 am)