Amy, it sounds like you have reached differentiation - this is good. You are able to acknowledge what SD does, yet you do not spiral. You are winning! It's understandable that you are angry and worried her antics may affect your world, just stay the course; numb, calm, peaceful, non-reactive, boundaried, etc. You have got this.

Last edited by Trudie (1/02/2026 4:59 pm)

MorningMia wrote:

Trudie wrote:

Amy, it sounds like you have reached differentiation - this is good. You are able to acknowledge what SD does, yet you do not spiral. You are winning! It's understandable that you are angry and worried her antics may affect your world, just stay the course; numb, calm, peaceful, non-reactive, boundaried, etc. You have got this.

This. You are no longer emotionally engaged. You're "experiencing" SD's behavior with your thoughts, not your emotions. Take a deep breath! 

By the way, hi Trudie. . .was wondering where you were! 

Hello Mia! I'm here! I have missed this site; just catching up.
 

Great place to be! I'm there...although it took me a bit of a journey. Like you, SK crap does not bother me anymore. It's laughable.

Example: Slowly doing some "re-intergrating" with DHs kids. SD41 and I had met twice and things went well. She sent me a Mother's Day greeting (in a joint text with DH). I quickly responded. For her birthday, I made sure to send an early morning HB text. Difference was, it was just between her and I. I also sent a small gift. What did I get? Zero response. All the while she's in her group text with DH and siblings all day long. At 6pm, I dinged that text again and finally got a curt response. I did not reply. DH was aware and angry but I told him to leave it alone. The relationship with her will be strictly through DH and any texts will be joint. That happened in July and I have not had any communication with her since. Just a "Tell StandingStrong I said hi" to which I say the same to DH. LOL

I'm glad you are at a good place. Life brings us enough troubles...no need to let troublesome people in your life to add more. 

I think you stop being disappointed when you stop having any expectations of better outcomes/behaviors.

I mean, are we disappointed with the rattlesnake that bites us? We may be angry that we are bitten, but if we picked up a venomous animal, can we really be disappointed if it bites us.. that's what the snake does.

Same with Skids (or anyone else for that matter).  If you know your skids are disrespectful, self centered, toxic people.. do you really think anyone would be surprised that they were not given a christmas gift.. or had their birthday ignored by said toxic person? No.. you would have zero expectation of any positive outcome.. so you don't get your feelings hurt.  If you ARE getting your feelings hurt... you need to manage your own expectations.... because you can't manage their actions (or inactions.. as the case may be)

We just had to give a bit of reminding on manners to my DH's grandkids.  9 and 6, we get them things for their birthdays and christmas.. but their mom rarely has them make a point of calling to say thank you.  I pointed it out to my DH.. that at their age.. it's their parent (his daughter) that needs to teach them to do that.. and when he asked her.. she said they have been "busy".. I piped in that I might find myself "too busy to shop for presents" in the future if they couldn't be bothered to thank us...lol.

and.. next holiday comes around and they are too busy.. that will probably be the last time I go out of my way.. not because I'm so disappointed that I'm not being thanked.. but that in the whole social construct.. I expect them to thank people for nice things done for them.. and if they can't be bothered.. guess it's not that important to them!

ESMOD wrote:"I think you stop being disappointed when you stop having any expectations of better outcomes/behaviors."

^^^^ This.
My DW did not like it, but my boss in Qatar was fond of repeating "Lower your expectations so you won't be disappointed."

I am team Bride on this. I/we were more about navigating the challenges, figuring it out, and doing it right.  Parts of that were frustrating.

Locking onto issues like a pitbull, can bury the issues but it is disappointing when you release on the issue and the perpetrators immediately go back to their usual.

Rags wrote:

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

ESMOD wrote:

I think you stop being disappointed when you stop having any expectations of better outcomes/behaviors.

I mean, are we disappointed with the rattlesnake that bites us? We may be angry that we are bitten, but if we picked up a venomous animal, can we really be disappointed if it bites us.. that's what the snake does.

Same with Skids (or anyone else for that matter).  If you know your skids are disrespectful, self centered, toxic people.. do you really think anyone would be surprised that they were not given a christmas gift.. or had their birthday ignored by said toxic person? No.. you would have zero expectation of any positive outcome.. so you don't get your feelings hurt.  If you ARE getting your feelings hurt... you need to manage your own expectations.... because you can't manage their actions (or inactions.. as the case may be)

We just had to give a bit of reminding on manners to my DH's grandkids.  9 and 6, we get them things for their birthdays and christmas.. but their mom rarely has them make a point of calling to say thank you.  I pointed it out to my DH.. that at their age.. it's their parent (his daughter) that needs to teach them to do that.. and when he asked her.. she said they have been "busy".. I piped in that I might find myself "too busy to shop for presents" in the future if they couldn't be bothered to thank us...lol.

and.. next holiday comes around and they are too busy.. that will probably be the last time I go out of my way.. not because I'm so disappointed that I'm not being thanked.. but that in the whole social construct.. I expect them to thank people for nice things done for them.. and if they can't be bothered.. guess it's not that important to them!

I *get* this- and yes it's our emotions to manage. I did expect the SKID to lay a problem on my xmas eve- thus I walked away and my anger was a sign that this was unfair. My previous numbness was due to poor behavior and the expectation of poor behavior.
But after caring for, resourcing and being there for adult SKID to be told "I don't care about you." Is it true? Yes. Is it cruel? Also yes. Were my tears ok to shed as I received this unexpectedly cruel message on Christmas Day? YES. managing your emotions doesn't mean you can't feel these things. I heard something that would make most people hurt and it was done infront of others and in very cruel way. The reality is I have been chasing for their love and to be "chosen" by them- but I now face the direct verbal affirmation after years of selfless devotion to their development that the SKID does not and will never chose me. Tears at this point are (in my book) VERY ok to shed. You are releasing yourself from abuse and that's what that was about.

Do I cry infront of SKIDS? No. I was fairly stoic through their childhood. As adults I also don't cry in front of them but this was the last extremely cruel thing done on Christmas Day at my house and my worst fear was realized- they don't care about me and they never did. It was the final straw for the 2nd adult SKID I have endured. I am actually grateful for his honesty and cruelty but what a hard thing to say to my face and to have no one recognize how deeply it cut me. It was a great reality check. 

Now I am no longer numb- I feel awake but I also feel I am releasing myself of this SKID indefinitely. 

I think my response would have been to kick the  spawn out of my home immediately very verbally and in front of everyone present.  "In that case leave my home now. If you pause at all, you will be frog marched out in cuffs by the LEOs. I'm dialing now. You had better be out of my door before the call connects and never darken the threshold of my home or life again. Buh-bye."  

End of that waste of time and skin.  If a mate takes exception to that, then ..... showing that mate a pic of the same door threshold may be a proper message.  At some level, even an NCP mate owns a portion of the cause of the behavior of their COD children.

IMHO of course.
 

Yep- I didn't in the moment kick anybody out but moving forward DH will visit them outside the home. I am on the Cajun Mom plan - I tried for over a decade. The first SKID who I no longer participate at all in his life it came down to a dinner where they aired grievances and a list of stepmom things to change. I needed to hear one last time how unfair and terrible the situation was - they showed their toxic behavior and I psychologically could put it to an end. I haven't seen, heard or been near the SKID in years. It's been incredible. This younger adult SKID was less terrible but still not great. He finally revealed his true emotions and thoughts and after ALL he has put me through I also needed the verbal confirmation- this time I hadn't set up the situation (the first time it was so ugly and gross I knew that the "last supper" would be ugly and gross allowing me to step aside). This came out of the blue but it was true and it was final. So SKID #2 is now in the same place as SKID #1 due to their own behaviors and choices. In the short time that I have been set free from this I am already having wonderful things flood into my life that I probably didn't have the energy or time for so I know this is actually a very healthy move. So although I did not kick him out in the moment- that was ok. Had I done it in the moment I could have later regretted and been blamed but in this situation I can methodically take the steps to untangle myself from this toxic mess. I will be very very supportive of my DH visiting them and I will be very very guarded with my time, energy and peace from this day forward. 
 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (1/15/2026 10:35 am)

LittleTypeAmy wrote:

@ImperfectlyPerfect. SOrry for the late reply, it shows how much I get around to blogging lately.
I am very infuriated for you that you had to unjustly be the brunt of your toxic StepBrats behavior. Even more so if your SD's and DH ever had to so much WONDER why you would be upset and bow out of trying so hard with them. Its CLASSIC how these Skid marks always try to act all Brand new, oh so innocent, as if it never has dawned of them that if you treat people like sh!t long enough, you can drive them to not want to be bothered with you anymore, yet they always wonder WHYYYY. Story of my life with SD31. Its like they are so convinced that SMs are always to take their punches with a good natured smile , since they want to think they are SO important due to their ( perceived) position in your life.as Dads wife.  Well , nuts to all that. Toxic is still Toxic no matter who anyone thinks they are. Just stay strong and hold the line to your boundaries.
And yes, as painful as your Xmas experience was, and sorry you had to have that, BUT these moments are necessary for clarity as you just LET THEM let their true colors fly, then that guides you on how to decide if you want these brats to have ANY position in your life. It sounds like you already know the answer and that was within you all along....

Thanks LittleTypeAmy- yes let them and let em' go!
 

Rags wrote:

In my zero gray area brain, there is no benefit of the doubt related to behavior.  Behavior is a conscious choice and the why is irrelevant.   Why does not matter. Invoking painful consequences is appropriate.  Though I have adapted a bit of a why consideration.  The only why that matters are in reference and response to the one making the initial behavioral choice.  Take a bully for example. The bully chose to bully. The victim laying waste to the bully is directly related to the choice of the bully.   Which I suppose is a choice by the victim to eliminate the threat.

For me it was realizing that I am NOT the bully and these SKIDs have a victim mindset however they are actually the bullies. My only response to this is to move on with my life and leave them in my dust. 
 

Rags wrote:

ImperfectlyPerfect - Toxic victimhood is a not uncommon platform that many of the players in a blend stand on.  Including PASing Xs, COD Skids, and sadly, coddling Disney parents that many SParents end up in committed relationships with.

IMHO, a toxic victim is no less detestable than an actively toxic person and can often be far worse to deal with as they leverage their hurt feelings and their committed stance as the victim to very effective perfection.

Though I did not mention it above, I do recognize that some truly syndromed individuals may not choose their behaviors.  Though I do firmly believe that stern standards and boundaries can help resolve issues with many of those who legitimately fit the syndromed condition.

 

I agree with you @Rags. Unfortunately they are long gone from being able to be fix their mindsets- my SKIDs truly have a narrative that they have played over in their heads. I came to the realization that there is nothing that I can do to "fix" this- showing facts doesn't work. Exhibiting good and kind behavior doesn't work. Providing doesn't work. Making meals doesn't work. I tried it all. Let's start with the list:
1. Exhibiting good and kind behavior - ALWAYS to the point of restraint when they were so bad. Didn't matter. 
2. Providing a good home, meals and everything they need - To the point where I would take on other jobs or more hours to make sure no one went without- it's not remembered that way at all, they tell this really sad poor me story about growing up so austere- how about those cowboy boots you wore ONCE?
3. What about the fact that we revolved around your very strict eating habits? Name it we did it....I would cook and really really try to make great meals (not the best cook) but my food isn't horrible. The nit picking, criticizing at the dinner table - then going for seconds after telling me how bad it was. I got to the point where I was actually numb to the criticism and would just sit there while they would say what a bad cook I was but then proceed to eat my food. One time the kid said it was so bad and poured a whole bunch of salt on top of it and still ate it. Another time they said the steak was so dry they had to smother it with ketchup. I am sorry but in my standard of food they not only had no manners but sh***ty sense of food taste.
4. Vacations? 2 a year and they were nice- recently SKID told me he was "forced" to go on those. I can't tell you how many times we revolved vacations around their interests and worked hard not to wake up the "princes" as they slept in. In the back of my head if that's actually how they felt I really wish they would have said it sooner because they made my vacations a nightmare and I was never relaxed doing this for over a decade.

In sum, after being told on xmas day that I am not cared for I ripped the rest of the rose colored glasses off my eyes to really peer into what I have dealt with in reality. And the reality is there is very very little redeeming value they have brought to my life. They are not interesting, they are not curious, they don't talk about smart things - they don't cook, clean or help out - they literally suck the air and energy out of the room and even treat me with underlying hostility in front of others. At this point they are grown - they are male adults who are entitled, lazy, uncaring and unkind. I am literally done- I hit my point. It's time for me to move on in another direction- not in a mean cruel way but in a way that puts me FIRST. They are not even second for me- they are simply relatives of my DH and I hope they continue that relationship with him even if that relationship is not that redeeming either. So long fellas !

Rags wrote:

ImperfectlyPerfect - The Blend/SParent world tends to go extremely complex very quickly.  To my engineeric brain I go to the lowest common denominator, the simplest point of action. For me, that is based on specific behaviors which are the result of choices made by the individual.

Be consistent, tolerate nothing but reasonable respectful behavior in compliance with reasonable standards of behavior, reasonably boundaries, and in compliance with reasonable standards of performance.  If those in the mix do that, there is little to zero need for conflict, disrespect, drama, or hurt feelings.

Bring the Dr. Phil philosophy to bear.  "So, how is that working out for you?"  When "they" deviate from the boundary or standard, confront the instance instantly, clearly, and assertively.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

IMHO this equates to the Pavlov's behavioral conditioning dog experiment.  Ring the bell, feed the dog, the dog salivates.  Lather, rinse, repeat until the dog starts salivating at the sound of the bell. even when no food is present or provided.

State the standard/boundary, enforce those guidelines.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Eventually the brain of the perpetrator balks at violating the standard/boundary because they are conditioned to know the outcome before they take the action/make the decision that crosses the line.  Deal with the feels, both ours and theirs, separately from dealing with the behavior.  

This is not necessarily about building their value in our lives.  It is about defending our quality of life which they can join and benefit from by staying between the lines, or they can be separate from that quality and suffer. The lines remain even when their pain/negative consequences escalate.

When they are minors, they can be decent or suffer. Their choice.  Once they are no longer minors, they be decent or they can be gone. Also their choice.  Their choice is demonstrated by their chosen behaviors.  Not words, not feelings.  Behaviors and actions.  

The "show me don't tell me" model is very powerful but it has to tie to standards.  I really do not care about fixing their mindsets.  That is up to them.  I care about their behavior.  Which is either going to return value, or consequence.  Which is also up to them.

In this case they've proven time and time again that the behavior deserves a consequence that we can both live with- not interacting, full disengagement. They don't miss me because they never chose me nor do they show respect. The only change is I don't chose them anymore and now we can all move on with our lives peacefully. Being on the receiving end of bad treatment and perpetual negativity was something I thought I had to endure that was until I was told "I don't care about you." Once those words were uttered I got it through my thick skull that there is NOTHING to work with. They aren't even offering breadcrumbs - get out of the way and out of the rain and move on. I have and so far I have not thought ONCE "Ohhhh how I miss those days!" or "Ohhhh how I miss SKIDs!" There's been no missing on my end just no longer any energy into black hole that only takes and gives nothing. 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (1/28/2026 4:30 pm)

Rags wrote:

 ImperfectlyPerfect - In this case they've proven time and time again that the behavior deserves a consequence that we can both live with- not interacting, full disengagement. They don't miss me because they never chose me nor do they show respect. The only change is I don't chose them anymore and now we can all move on with our lives peacefully. Being on the receiving end of bad treatment and perpetual negativity was something I thought I had to endure that was until I was told "I don't care about you." Once those words were uttered I got it through my thick skull that there is NOTHING to work with. They aren't even offering breadcrumbs - get out of the way and out of the rain and move on. I have and so far I have not thought ONCE "Ohhhh how I miss those days!" or "Ohhhh how I miss SKIDs!" There's been no missing on my end just no longer any energy into black hole that only takes and gives nothing. 

Recently for work I resurrected some stuff I put together many years ago, updated it, reformatted it, and presented it a review with Sr. Execs at my new company.  Two things in that material set off lightbulbs when reading your above comment. 

Key Issue #1 - Measurement

"If you can't measure it, you can't manage it."

To measure it, we have to know what it is.  Unacceptable behavior is measured against boundaries and standards.  Know what our requirements are, enforce those requirements.

Key Issue #2 - Take Action

"Diagnosis divorced from corrective action is sterile."  - Peter Drucker

In other words, if you don't intend to do something about it, don't waste time and resources measuring it...or even discussing it.

Boundaries and Standards have to be the unmovable object that can withstand even an unopposable force.  Which sadly in far too many cases, SKids, Xs, etc... are that force.  Our duty to our own quality of life is to make them learn that banging their heads against the boundaries and standards is painful and that we will never stop making it as painful as possible so they might as well stop perpetrating their toxic efforts.

IMHO of course. 

Great strategy- the two boundaries are: 1. Don't visit 2. Don't use my precious hard earned money. Simple and easy. #1 they won't bang their head up against that wall because they have made it clear they will never like me and frankly I have decided after the last bout of bad behavior that I have realized I never liked them either- I liked the "idea" of what it could have been. #2 boundary has and will continue to bother them- they feel entitled to whatever I make, they feel entitled to whatever DH makes- they do believe they are more important. So far we have not moved on #2 even a tiny bit - I will certainly stay strong but hope DH can keep his wits about him. 

Rags wrote:

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

Rags wrote:

 ImperfectlyPerfect - In this case they've proven time and time again that the behavior deserves a consequence that we can both live with- not interacting, full disengagement. They don't miss me because they never chose me nor do they show respect. The only change is I don't chose them anymore and now we can all move on with our lives peacefully. Being on the receiving end of bad treatment and perpetual negativity was something I thought I had to endure that was until I was told "I don't care about you." Once those words were uttered I got it through my thick skull that there is NOTHING to work with. They aren't even offering breadcrumbs - get out of the way and out of the rain and move on. I have and so far I have not thought ONCE "Ohhhh how I miss those days!" or "Ohhhh how I miss SKIDs!" There's been no missing on my end just no longer any energy into black hole that only takes and gives nothing. 

Recently for work I resurrected some stuff I put together many years ago, updated it, reformatted it, and presented it a review with Sr. Execs at my new company.  Two things in that material set off lightbulbs when reading your above comment. 

Key Issue #1 - Measurement

"If you can't measure it, you can't manage it."

To measure it, we have to know what it is.  Unacceptable behavior is measured against boundaries and standards.  Know what our requirements are, enforce those requirements.

Key Issue #2 - Take Action

"Diagnosis divorced from corrective action is sterile."  - Peter Drucker

In other words, if you don't intend to do something about it, don't waste time and resources measuring it...or even discussing it.

Boundaries and Standards have to be the unmovable object that can withstand even an unopposable force.  Which sadly in far too many cases, SKids, Xs, etc... are that force.  Our duty to our own quality of life is to make them learn that banging their heads against the boundaries and standards is painful and that we will never stop making it as painful as possible so they might as well stop perpetrating their toxic efforts.

IMHO of course. 

Great strategy- the two boundaries are: 1. Don't visit 2. Don't use my precious hard earned money. Simple and easy. #1 they won't bang their head up against that wall because they have made it clear they will never like me and frankly I have decided after the last bout of bad behavior that I have realized I never liked them either- I liked the "idea" of what it could have been. #2 boundary has and will continue to bother them- they feel entitled to whatever I make, they feel entitled to whatever DH makes- they do believe they are more important. So far we have not moved on #2 even a tiny bit - I will certainly stay strong but hope DH can keep his wits about him. 

I'm glad for you that you have found your solid ground in all of this.  Take care of you. 

Thank you @Rags