Trudie wrote:

Amy, it sounds like you have reached differentiation - this is good. You are able to acknowledge what SD does, yet you do not spiral. You are winning! It's understandable that you are angry and worried her antics may affect your world, just stay the course; numb, calm, peaceful, non-reactive, boundaried, etc. You have got this.

This. You are no longer emotionally engaged. You're "experiencing" SD's behavior with your thoughts, not your emotions. Take a deep breath! 

By the way, hi Trudie. . .was wondering where you were! 

That’s good, you’ve achieved healthy individuation.
Also, in regards to your thoughts how much the steppos’ bad behaviours and choices reflect on us, I’d be leaning very close to zero. From my observations in my past work with  foster care/child protection systems in various parts of the world, I can say that the child can have the most dedicated, boundaried and kindest adoptive/foster/step parents, but if they come from a disturbed bio parent, even without knowing the parent at all, they are very likely to turn out mostly like that parent, perhaps with the edges polished up a bit by the new family. If the bio family were impulsive/chaotic/immature/self-absorbed, had criminal tendencies,  issues with authority figures, poor academic performance etc., then the child will be very much like them.

I even vaguely remember a study from my University days where there was 60% some negative trait correlation between child and  birth mother and hardly any correlation with the adoptive mother, even when the baby was adopted at birth.

Last edited by BanksiaRose (1/04/2026 11:46 pm)

Hi @littletypeamy- I am in a similar spot. There are always new troubles the SKIDs bring to our doorstep. During xmas eve after working all day SKID and DH laid SKID's financial troubles in my lap. It was incredibly unfair after they had spent the entire week not working, drinking beer and relaxing while I worked the entire week and all the way up to dinner on xmas eve. To add SKID had us purchase him expensive steak and the finest libations for him to be served- no care about price and certainly NO contribution on his end whatsoever. Within one bite of sitting down to dinner SKID and DH were already on me about how to solve SKID's adult problem. I had to get up and walk away I was so angry. Truly ruined my night. The next day no sympathy for the problems they brought to me just more negative dark cloud behavior and then a series / list of criticisms towards me as a person, my step parenting and scarring this entitled adult lazy male (note: I did NONE of the discipline with him so the crybaby act did not sit well with me). At the end SKID told me he has limited ability to care about others and does not care for me at all.

I have been numb to him for a long time but this time the tears poured down as DH, family of DH and SKID watched - every single one of them bewildered at WHY I would be upset. I took a long walk by myself and sat at the park for 3 hours. I thought about this journey- all of it. I thought has this been a happy experience AT ALL for me? No. Has there been any silver lining in this for me? No. Have the SKIDs contributed in any way to my life? No. And it all came together in a very short time my numbness, turned into a strong high emotion grief session and ended with me emotionally resolved and completely done with the tom foolery of their behaviors and attitudes towards me. All the victim talk made me realize they are the abusers- they grew up mean and are still mean, but in a twisted way they act weak, fragile and lash out when they create problems that they and DH expect me to solve. Horrible all the way around. This situation is actually pretty black and white less gray but not in the way its been told in society- it's the SKIDs who have been horrific, mean and terrible NOT the stepmom. What discovered 10+ years in of selfless behaviors, steady consistent parenting (no discipline, that was DH) and resourcing these SKIDs is I am actually the victim in this whole thing. It took adult SKID ruining xmas eve and xmas and telling me that I don't matter to finally get it through to me. I am 100% done and just working on my CPTSD- which is what they have caused over the 10+ of bad behavior and treatment. 

It's possible Your numbness might hit a point where all that emotion pours out after one particularly bad incident or maybe not? The one thing it did for me was grieve what I wanted in a very fast way and now I am healing. I wish us both peace. 

And yes to the advice that if there were negative traits in their genetics I see that pop up - I am a strong believer that nature is stronger than nurture most of the time. I am sure there are exceptions to the rule.

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (Today 2:25 pm)

ESMOD wrote:

I think you stop being disappointed when you stop having any expectations of better outcomes/behaviors.

I mean, are we disappointed with the rattlesnake that bites us? We may be angry that we are bitten, but if we picked up a venomous animal, can we really be disappointed if it bites us.. that's what the snake does.

Same with Skids (or anyone else for that matter).  If you know your skids are disrespectful, self centered, toxic people.. do you really think anyone would be surprised that they were not given a christmas gift.. or had their birthday ignored by said toxic person? No.. you would have zero expectation of any positive outcome.. so you don't get your feelings hurt.  If you ARE getting your feelings hurt... you need to manage your own expectations.... because you can't manage their actions (or inactions.. as the case may be)

We just had to give a bit of reminding on manners to my DH's grandkids.  9 and 6, we get them things for their birthdays and christmas.. but their mom rarely has them make a point of calling to say thank you.  I pointed it out to my DH.. that at their age.. it's their parent (his daughter) that needs to teach them to do that.. and when he asked her.. she said they have been "busy".. I piped in that I might find myself "too busy to shop for presents" in the future if they couldn't be bothered to thank us...lol.

and.. next holiday comes around and they are too busy.. that will probably be the last time I go out of my way.. not because I'm so disappointed that I'm not being thanked.. but that in the whole social construct.. I expect them to thank people for nice things done for them.. and if they can't be bothered.. guess it's not that important to them!

I *get* this- and yes it's our emotions to manage. I did expect the SKID to lay a problem on my xmas eve- thus I walked away and my anger was a sign that this was unfair. My previous numbness was due to poor behavior and the expectation of poor behavior.
But after caring for, resourcing and being there for adult SKID to be told "I don't care about you." Is it true? Yes. Is it cruel? Also yes. Were my tears ok to shed as I received this unexpectedly cruel message on Christmas Day? YES. managing your emotions doesn't mean you can't feel these things. I heard something that would make most people hurt and it was done infront of others and in very cruel way. The reality is I have been chasing for their love and to be "chosen" by them- but I now face the direct verbal affirmation after years of selfless devotion to their development that the SKID does not and will never chose me. Tears at this point are (in my book) VERY ok to shed. You are releasing yourself from abuse and that's what that was about.

Do I cry infront of SKIDS? No. I was fairly stoic through their childhood. As adults I also don't cry in front of them but this was the last extremely cruel thing done on Christmas Day at my house and my worst fear was realized- they don't care about me and they never did. It was the final straw for the 2nd adult SKID I have endured. I am actually grateful for his honesty and cruelty but what a hard thing to say to my face and to have no one recognize how deeply it cut me. It was a great reality check. 

Now I am no longer numb- I feel awake but I also feel I am releasing myself of this SKID indefinitely. 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (Today 4:59 pm)