I started playing ice hockey again. Being on ice and part of a team kinda felt like coming alive and gave me new perspective.

It's many years ago that I disengaged, but the most positive thing for me was that I was being authentic and not pretending any more.  Even more so 3 yrs ago when I slammed the shutters down on SD30 and said no more - I told DH she can come to our house but I will vacate it while she's here.  I'm still willing to do that but it hasn't happened yet, since he is unwilling to suggest it to her. He sees both his daughters elsewhere. 

Chef got to see for himself how warped his kids were due to industrial strength PASing on the part of the Girhippo -n- clan. 

I was now a bystander and not the antagonist.

Merry wrote:

I am free from the cruise director role.

DH was forced to face the assholedry. I didn't announce my disengagement, but he figured it out and felt the impact.

I don't feel so darn FAKE. The energy to be Fake Nice is too much. I’m not mean. Im nothing, which is what they thought they wanted. I guess skids are glad that I’m the one supporting DH as his health declines and they don't have to bother with it.

Disengagement can have a great impact of our partners having to actually face the situation. Women, especially, will often try to wade in and do the wimins work... try to care for the kids.. the home.. etc... because it's a cultural role.. because they want them to like her.. because their male partner expects it...etc.. but when they take on that caregiver role.. the actual parent can be insulated from their own child's poor behaviors... 

Disengaging can be simply quietly pushing that parental role back to the actual parent.. on visitation weekends.. "what are you doing with the kids this weekend?  Oh.. because they  are here to bond and visit with you.. I have a hair appt.

Disengagement may mean you help with certain tasks.. like even maybe getting kids on the bus in the AM if your partner has to be at work earlier and doesn't have flexibility that you do.. but it's on THEM to ride the kids to do homework.. chores etc.. 

Accepting that it's not your job.. not your responsibility and that they aren't a reflection on you or your parenting (beyond not standing by and watching kids be neglected or abused by their bio parent).. you don't have to take ownership of them.. at all. 

I know not all bio parents will happily take on their parenting job.. and I know there was one poster on the other page who's partner just absolutely would not accept that she wasn't engaged with his kids.. blew right through boundaries that were agreed upon in therapy etc.. and they were just in a no win situation.. because she got to the point that anything caused her to trigger.. and he raged when she wouldn't listen and act involved.. it was no win.. and I pretty much see that partner's unwillingness to consider her feelings as a their relationship was just going to ultimately die.. either quickly or long lingering.. (depending on how many crap samwiches she could stand)... but they were on such a toxic dynamic.. It didn't seem salvagable.

I’m no longer a nervous wreck, questioning my whole character. My house is my sanctuary and the dirty spawn no longer allowed in it, unless my SO stops by with them to pick up/drop off something. I no longer have to sacrifice things I love (my beautiful garden, my furniture etc) in favour of aggressive and destructive games they love to play.

I am so happy I changed my mind about moving in together at the last minute (I was even contemplating letting them move in to my house) and the SO bought a house near me instead. Today, when I was over at theirs and the devil spawn started throwing another aggressive fit which did not end for at least two hours, I just got up (I was already in bed in my pyjamas) and drove home, and was back in ten minutes.

Last edited by BanksiaRose (12/10/2025 5:55 am)

MorningMia wrote:

A quote I recently came across:  Peace is expensive but worth every goodbye. 

Thanks for sharing this.  It is absolutely true.  Even when a goodbye is perceived as painful, it invariably leads to a better future.

I had no intention of  being a divorce'.  That is not how I was built and not what people in my family did.  In 35yrs of hind site since my divorce, if I had been more aware and observant, I would have iniitiated a goodbye far earlier and avoided a notable amount of pain.  Even though by the final divorce hearing I knew that divorcing was absolutely the right thing and I knew I had done everything possible to salvage that sh!t storm of a marriage, it was painful.

I recall sitting in an afternoon matinée' showing of Pretty Woman at a discount theater in the middle of the week at some point during the 4mos between XW informing me that she wanted a divorce and the final divorce hearing, it was probably within a month or so of her playing the D card.  I was watching the movie with tears streaming down my face. I was the only person in the theater.   A memory that for some reason is firmly baked into my memory.  A goodbye that freed me to find peace and a goodbye well worth it.

Not just well worth it, but one that ultimately a good riddance.

Way less stress. It took me probably 3 years to completely disengage. Prior to reaching that point I had misunderstood the assignment and genuinely thought my adult step kids wanted the same experiences that I created with my own, things like, family bbqs, camping, birthday get togethers etc. About three years into us being married I realized, they loved me being event coordinator as long as nothing, and I mean literally anything else, didn’t get in the way. From ticketed events to meticulously planned camping trips, I never knew who would flake, because they seemed to draw names on whose turn it was to flake for some lame reason anywhere from hours before, to day of to literally hours after by just not showing up. Ahhhh the peace of letting go. 

MorningMia wrote:

Rags wrote:

MorningMia wrote:

A quote I recently came across:  Peace is expensive but worth every goodbye. 

Thanks for sharing this.  It is absolutely true.  Even when a goodbye is perceived as painful, it invariably leads to a better future.

 A memory that for some reason is firmly baked into my memory.  A goodbye that freed me to find peace and a goodbye well worth it.

Not just well worth it, but one that ultimately a good riddance.

Interesting that such difficulty can lead to peace & happiness and that we often cling onto that which we should let go of for our own wellbeing. 
 

I think that a big part of it is the emotion heavy characteristics that have to be suffered and worked through as a relationship dies.   As has been the case for much of my blend/SParent experience, the demise of my first marriage was pretty much of unicorn situation regarding it being overall a fairly uncomplicated and low pain experience. Though it certainly was painful at the time.   Short, no baggage to drag through life regarding children and CS, no alimony, no random running into any of them, no manipulative polarized alignment of joint friends or the community.   
I moved out of state 2mos after the final divorce hearing and my wife, young SS and I moved back to my city of divorce 4yrs after I had left for school after the divorce.  This move was a big part of peaceful progression after the divorce.   Though after moving back to my divorce city, we did run into my XILs in passing 5yrs after the divorce and I again ran into them a couple of times 5yrs after that first interface when I took a job where my office was near their home.  My parents ran into my XSIL once as well.  But pretty much once the divorce was final there was not much Klingon stuff to work through beyond the extremely rare random public bump into them event.  

I did lay eyes on my XW one time after leaving the courthouse from the final divorce hearing.  About 10yrs post-divorce I was at a business lunch at my XIL family's favorite restaurant.  I came in with several coworkers and clients. Out office admin had made the reservation. That restaurant had two tier seating so all diners could experience the beautiful panoramic window views.  Once seated I noticed my XW, grandpa suger/baby daddy cheat buddy, and their two children seated near the windows on the lower dining tier.   There was a hitch in my breath when it dawned on me that it was her.  It was sad. She looked like utter hammered dog .  Tired, haggard, worn out, and she was grousing at grandpa sugar/baby daddy and their kids. They all looked miserable.  When we met and married, she was a beautiful college athlete.  12 years after we married, she was far from either.

Those who can keep it all in the facts/decisions and non-feel or light feel arena suffer far less. At least in my experience that is the case.  Once I worked through the peak phase of hurt and pain in the first couple of months, I was able to shift into the intellectual management phase.