How fun WarMachine13-Mod, so happy to see you thriving and having fun. It's incredible how much they zap out of you but when you get on the other side it DOES come back and it's like a golden era.  

I am free from the cruise director role.

DH was forced to face the assholedry. I didn't announce my disengagement, but he figured it out and felt the impact.

I don't feel so darn FAKE. The energy to be Fake Nice is too much. I’m not mean. Im nothing, which is what they thought they wanted. I guess skids are glad that I’m the one supporting DH as his health declines and they don't have to bother with it.

Merry wrote:

I am free from the cruise director role.

DH was forced to face the assholedry. I didn't announce my disengagement, but he figured it out and felt the impact.

I don't feel so darn FAKE. The energy to be Fake Nice is too much. I’m not mean. Im nothing, which is what they thought they wanted. I guess skids are glad that I’m the one supporting DH as his health declines and they don't have to bother with it.

Disengagement can have a great impact of our partners having to actually face the situation. Women, especially, will often try to wade in and do the wimins work... try to care for the kids.. the home.. etc... because it's a cultural role.. because they want them to like her.. because their male partner expects it...etc.. but when they take on that caregiver role.. the actual parent can be insulated from their own child's poor behaviors... 

Disengaging can be simply quietly pushing that parental role back to the actual parent.. on visitation weekends.. "what are you doing with the kids this weekend?  Oh.. because they  are here to bond and visit with you.. I have a hair appt.

Disengagement may mean you help with certain tasks.. like even maybe getting kids on the bus in the AM if your partner has to be at work earlier and doesn't have flexibility that you do.. but it's on THEM to ride the kids to do homework.. chores etc.. 

Accepting that it's not your job.. not your responsibility and that they aren't a reflection on you or your parenting (beyond not standing by and watching kids be neglected or abused by their bio parent).. you don't have to take ownership of them.. at all. 

I know not all bio parents will happily take on their parenting job.. and I know there was one poster on the other page who's partner just absolutely would not accept that she wasn't engaged with his kids.. blew right through boundaries that were agreed upon in therapy etc.. and they were just in a no win situation.. because she got to the point that anything caused her to trigger.. and he raged when she wouldn't listen and act involved.. it was no win.. and I pretty much see that partner's unwillingness to consider her feelings as a their relationship was just going to ultimately die.. either quickly or long lingering.. (depending on how many crap samwiches she could stand)... but they were on such a toxic dynamic.. It didn't seem salvagable.

I’m no longer a nervous wreck, questioning my whole character. My house is my sanctuary and the dirty spawn no longer allowed in it, unless my SO stops by with them to pick up/drop off something. I no longer have to sacrifice things I love (my beautiful garden, my furniture etc) in favour of aggressive and destructive games they love to play.

I am so happy I changed my mind about moving in together at the last minute (I was even contemplating letting them move in to my house) and the SO bought a house near me instead. Today, when I was over at theirs and the devil spawn started throwing another aggressive fit which did not end for at least two hours, I just got up (I was already in bed in my pyjamas) and drove home, and was back in ten minutes.

Last edited by BanksiaRose (12/10/2025 5:55 am)

Way less stress. It took me probably 3 years to completely disengage. Prior to reaching that point I had misunderstood the assignment and genuinely thought my adult step kids wanted the same experiences that I created with my own, things like, family bbqs, camping, birthday get togethers etc. About three years into us being married I realized, they loved me being event coordinator as long as nothing, and I mean literally anything else, didn’t get in the way. From ticketed events to meticulously planned camping trips, I never knew who would flake, because they seemed to draw names on whose turn it was to flake for some lame reason anywhere from hours before, to day of to literally hours after by just not showing up. Ahhhh the peace of letting go. 

My blood pressure went down. My anxiety and stress levels went down.  I actually went no contact.  Now I have other stressors to deal with but at least I let go of that stressor.