I wish the article were required reading after all break-ups! I’ve been no contact with my ex for almost 2 weeks now, after a disastrous last attempt to work things out (I’ll post an update blog soon.) It gets easier every day. We don’t have any kids together so that makes it easy. Most (but not all) of our problems involved his lack of appropriate boundaries with just about everyone in his life. What’s weird is that one thing i realize is that the feeling of “instant closeness” that i felt with him in the beginning was probably due to his lack of boundaries. With me. And i should have run far and fast when i saw the enmeshment he had with BM2. Live and learn.

So,   for childless couples that uncouple.. this all makes great sense.. however, it's much more complicated in situations where you still share minor children (even adult children) with an EX.

Sure, some applies.. you don't keep in contact socially.. you don't follow their social media etc.. you know your triggers when you feel nostalgic about the relationship.  But the issues in steplife actually don't have that much in common with the underlying premise of this article.. which is you broke up and are having a hard time getting over your EX.. 

Because communication is necessary when you share kids.. there will be coordination.. accommodation.. compromise with an ex when you share kids.. No, that doesn't necessarily mean you are at their beck and call.. nor do you have to accommodate every new request for money.. time.. etc.. but there is no denying there will be some amount of need for the above.. from both sides.

What people in steplife need to do is get to a point where communication is civil.. but only surrounding children issues.
Where people need to be accommodating.. is only to the extent the other person is also being accommodating.. and that if they are in a relationship.. they owe their current partner the grace of being considered in the plans/issues.. when they will impact that new partner.

I kind of liken this to there being a difference between quitting cigarettes.. and sticking to a diet plan.  You quit smoking.. you can avoid that ... you don;t need to smoke to survive... but food?  you have to eat to survive.. so you are forced to face every day.. every hour the choice to eat well.. or to not eat well.. it's not that we can just "not eat"... forever.. and be done with the struggle...  The article is written for the cigarette smoker.. because you can excise an ex from your life when there are no other ties.. but when you have kids.. it's the diet situation.. you are forced to keep some contact with the ex.. which makes it a constant battle in many cases to maintain those boundaries.

dollbabies wrote:

Having a civil, respectful co-parenting relationship does not require - or, in actuality - include enmeshment with an ex.

So true, dollbabies. Sadly, there are the exes who refuse to let go. They don't want their exes, but don't want anyone else to have them either. Civility and respect are all too often ignored. 

I, too, really like this article. At first, I was thinking, "Hey! My ex and I always did better as friends than as a couple, so what do you  mean avoid?" So, I really liked This isn’t about avoiding your ex for life—it’s about getting your head right before you even think about re-engaging. I would add that you need to give the other person the room and space to move on with someone else and not be that hovering ghost hanging around.  I thought my and my ex's avoidance of one another might be for life, which was at the time ok . . . but by the time we did re-engage, we were in such different spaces that it (a friendly but not close relationship) all worked out.