StandingStrong - Your children are blessed to have a quality parent. Your Skid's likely lost the parent lottery on both sides.

My DW's sibs and their kids are all victims of idiot teachers, or principals while in school and that has continued into work where they work for bosses who are idiots, have to deal with doctors who are idiots, mean people everywhere, and none of it is ever because pf their own choices and behaviors.  Anyone who has any level of success is extremely inferior to their platform of pride as borderline not fully in poverty hard working agricultural laborers or some other flavor of manual laborers.  People who succeed have a character deficiency.  At least that is the regular position of most if not all in my IL clan.  So much so that our son has forbidden us from ever moving to SpermLand to live dear my DW's family.  He has even told her that when I am gone, she still can't live anywhere near her family.  

It is truly sad.  There seems to be a short period when one of them graduates HS (usually only by the skin of their teeth or via some hail Mary reprieve granted by the school district) that they catch a firing brain cell and start to do something decent.  Sadly, that invariably fades and that individual will dive into the cesspool of poor performance with the full garb of "victim" proudly worn.

We have hope for IL clan nephew who finished HS in June and is in a 2yr full ride AS program for Diesel Technology.  He is paid well to attend class at a local CC, then works evenings and weekends.  We truly hope that he stays the course and completes the program.  I'm not confident that will happen.  SIL (his mom), our nephew, and the rest of the family have gone radio silent on the topic which usually means that things are not going well.

DW's eldest niece graduated HS as Valedictorian (one of about a dozen Valedictorians) a few years ago and received a full ride to a CC program for an AS in Industrial Welding.  She was out in a matter of a couple of months due to... the mean school not working with her on her attendance.  Though she did struggle with some legitimate medical issues.

The next eldest niece has decided to graduate a year early because of mean people and has dreams of being an Agriculture Education teacher.  Complete with a dream school out of State.  I truly hope she does it.  However, the odds are <Zero of that happening. IMHO.  First because the school she has dreams of is in an exceptionally expensive place to live, and with out of State tuition whether she finishes or not, she will never earn enough to repay the insane loans that will result.  Though if she does successfully become a teacher, she could do a high-risk school job option and get her loans retired by the district after completing the terms of that kind of agreement.  Unlikely as she is hell bent on returning to their tiny town. 

An interesting thing is my bride attended from K-HS in that same district at the same schools as her sibs and their spawn.  DW and a significant number of her classmates have gone on to successful University educations and successful careers.  Yet, her 3 younger half sibs and their kids blame the crappy schools.  

Same parents, same schools, many of the same teachers and administrators.  Huge differences in outcomes.  My bride has an exceptionally evolved sense of personal accountability. Her sibs, have none.

The solutions to the issues in the article are mentioned and clear.  Return to standards-based structure in our schools.  Grade to those standards.  Bleed all over papers with RED pens when grading papers so it is clear to the kids and everyone in the classroom who has a hemorrhage all over their graded assignments and who does not.  Have awards ceremonies that recognize outstanding performance.  Those who do not perform, are not recognized.

My HS posted grades monthly.  In the hallway outside of the academic offices.  Each class, students listed by name, with grades posted.  Interestingly, those who were new students who had never been in an accountability focused environment often did not like seeing their grades posted.  Those same students far more often than not went from the bottom of the class in at the end of their first month to way up the list at the end of the second month.  
 

What percentage of step parents have input on that? Didn't see steps mentioned in the article. If they notice they can tell their partner but plenty could see that as overstepping. 

WarMachine13-Mod wrote:

What percentage of step parents have input on that? Didn't see steps mentioned in the article. If they notice they can tell their partner but plenty could see that as overstepping. 

I think Rags meant more of the stepparent’s position in this. As neutral parties, we can see things more objectively. At least, that was my case. When the two SKs lived with us, education was key. They hated the accountability and consequences in our home. BUT once they went back to BM, I stepped back. DH did try to stay involved but the small private school they attended kept him at arm’s length. Today, those two kids suffer greatly. And I called this way back when they were in high school. Heartbreaking to watch.

WarMachine13-Mod wrote:

StandingStrong wrote:

WarMachine13-Mod wrote:

What percentage of step parents have input on that? Didn't see steps mentioned in the article. If they notice they can tell their partner but plenty could see that as overstepping. 

I think Rags meant more of the stepparent’s position in this. As neutral parties, we can see things more objectively. At least, that was my case. When the two SKs lived with us, education was key. They hated the accountability and consequences in our home. BUT once they went back to BM, I stepped back. DH did try to stay involved but the small private school they attended kept him at arm’s length. Today, those two kids suffer greatly. And I called this way back when they were in high school. Heartbreaking to watch.

Problem is that not many step parents can speak up if they notice this happening. Bio parents resent steps getting involved, skids resent steps "sticking their nose in". Fine line to walk for many IF they can walk it without causing resentment. 

Agree. But when they were under my roof with my DH traveling and BM in rehab, I HAD to do the work. Once BM returned, I stepped completely out.

StandingStrong wrote:

WarMachine13-Mod wrote:

What percentage of step parents have input on that? Didn't see steps mentioned in the article. If they notice they can tell their partner but plenty could see that as overstepping. 

I think Rags meant more of the stepparent’s position in this. As neutral parties, we can see things more objectively. At least, that was my case. When the two SKs lived with us, education was key. They hated the accountability and consequences in our home. BUT once they went back to BM, I stepped back. DH did try to stay involved but the small private school they attended kept him at arm’s length. Today, those two kids suffer greatly. And I called this way back when they were in high school. Heartbreaking to watch.

StandingStrong - That was the intent of my question.  Do SParents see this and recognize it far earlier than the BioParents do?

I would say yes. SPs are not encumbered with the rose-colored breeder glasses that the BPs tend to have on regarding the performance of their children.

Depending on the nature of the relationship that the SP and BP have in their partnership, the SP may or may not have any ability to influence.  Though IMHO the SP has every right to establish and enforce clear standards of behavior and standards of performance for any children in their home and marriage regardless of kid parental biology.  There is no overstepping in parenting minor children in our home even if we are not the BioParent to the child being parented.

Just my thoughts of course.
 

Last edited by Rags (10/19/2025 4:46 pm)

Rags wrote:

WarMachine13-Mod wrote:

Rags wrote:

Depending on the nature of the relationship that the SP and BP have in their partnership, the SP may or may not have any ability to influence.  Though IMHO the SP has every right to establish and enforce clear standards of behavior and standards of performance for any children in their home and marriage regardless of kid parental biology.  There is no overstepping in parenting minor children in our home even if we are not the BioParent to the child being parented.
 

There can be behavioral expectations like "no jumping on the couch" and "no pulling the dog's ears/tail". But step parents these days get bashed for stepping on parental toes. We can notice grades aren't good, but can't force skids to do homework. They have two parents who should be doing that job and it's step parents are considered to be "butting in where they don't belong". I see that plenty.

 

Why would a SParent tolerate any bashing for being fully present and participating in their own life?  I would not abdicate one iota of authority over my own life to even a spouse's failed family baggage whether that baggage is their XW/XH or their failed family progeny.  My life, my home, my marriage.  My rules.  If my mate is not capable of partnering with me on anything and everything, in making a life together, then my partner has to comply with my choices and stand for any consequences they earn for violating rules that they refused to help establish as partners.  Fortunately my DW and I are fully engaged in navigating our life together.  When we hit a point where we do not agree, some issues she takes the decisioning lean regarding, some of them I take the decisioning lead regarding.

Only one time in our journey as parents raising SS together did I step back and tell her she had to be the one to parent in that situation.  Otherwise, everything we partnered in. Even that we had discussed ad-nauseum before she had the F2F with the kid.  When he and BioDad had hacked the school firewall at his Military Boarding school and he had gone comatose from playing WoW all night with the Dipshitiot, failing all of his classes but one in the first half of Fall semester of his Sr. year, we decided we were not going to keep dumping tuition dollars down that sh!t hole.  We withdrew him and brought him home at Winter break.  He was destroyed by that. He loved the school. Wjen we had decided to bring him home I told my wife that she had to be the one to invoke the consequences since it would be too easy for him to misinterpret the consequeces as being driven by arsehole StepDad. He never once called me StepDad. I was and always have been his dad.  Since his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo.

That made a massive impression on him since his mom had never been that heartbroken with him prior to that point.  At that time he approached me to talk about it all due to how upset his mom was with him.  I confirmed that yes, he had broken his mom's heart and only he could fix that.  His mom and I would have his back, and we were on the same page with everything, but his relationship with his mom was on him to repair.   He had no say over anything other than doing what he should do or live the consequences.

He did extricate his head from his own butt and has done well in his adult life.  His mom and I are very proud of him.

Kids, have one choice. They do what they are told until they turn 18.  What goes on in any home the kid lives in is up to the adults that lead that household.  Even when one of those adults is a SParent.   The SParent has full authority as a parent in that home.  Regardless of what a Court may say and for damned sure regardless of what the BP in opposition has to say.

Keeping things stupid simple works.  Complexity occurs because it is tolerated. All IMHO and experience anyway.
 

Rags wrote:

Rags wrote:

WarMachine13-Mod wrote:

There can be behavioral expectations like "no jumping on the couch" and "no pulling the dog's ears/tail". But step parents these days get bashed for stepping on parental toes. We can notice grades aren't good, but can't force skids to do homework. They have two parents who should be doing that job and it's step parents are considered to be "butting in where they don't belong". I see that plenty.

 

Why would a SParent tolerate any bashing for being fully present and participating in their own life?  I would not abdicate one iota of authority over my own life to even a spouse's failed family baggage whether that baggage is their XW/XH or their failed family progeny.  My life, my home, my marriage.  My rules.  If my mate is not capable of partnering with me on anything and everything, in making a life together, then my partner has to comply with my choices and stand for any consequences they earn for violating rules that they refused to help establish as partners.  Fortunately my DW and I are fully engaged in navigating our life together.  When we hit a point where we do not agree, some issues she takes the decisioning lean regarding, some of them I take the decisioning lead regarding.

Only one time in our journey as parents raising SS together did I step back and tell her she had to be the one to parent in that situation.  Otherwise, everything we partnered in. Even that we had discussed ad-nauseum before she had the F2F with the kid.  When he and BioDad had hacked the school firewall at his Military Boarding school and he had gone comatose from playing WoW all night with the Dipshitiot, failing all of his classes but one in the first half of Fall semester of his Sr. year, we decided we were not going to keep dumping tuition dollars down that sh!t hole.  We withdrew him and brought him home at Winter break.  He was destroyed by that. He loved the school. Wjen we had decided to bring him home I told my wife that she had to be the one to invoke the consequences since it would be too easy for him to misinterpret the consequeces as being driven by arsehole StepDad. He never once called me StepDad. I was and always have been his dad.  Since his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo.

That made a massive impression on him since his mom had never been that heartbroken with him prior to that point.  At that time he approached me to talk about it all due to how upset his mom was with him.  I confirmed that yes, he had broken his mom's heart and only he could fix that.  His mom and I would have his back, and we were on the same page with everything, but his relationship with his mom was on him to repair.   He had no say over anything other than doing what he should do or live the consequences.

He did extricate his head from his own butt and has done well in his adult life.  His mom and I are very proud of him.

Kids, have one choice. They do what they are told until they turn 18.  What goes on in any home the kid lives in is up to the adults that lead that household.  Even when one of those adults is a SParent.   The SParent has full authority as a parent in that home.  Regardless of what a Court may say and for damned sure regardless of what the BP in opposition has to say.

Keeping things stupid simple works.  Complexity occurs because it is tolerated. All IMHO and experience anyway.
 

Why? Because life is NOT simple and doesn't always work the way you want it to work. That worked in YOUR house, Rags. That's not how it works for everyone else. 

I am one of those who did not have input on how Mr. Aniki and BioHo chose to raise their kids. Their kids. There is absolutely nothing I could have done to punish SS23 when he stole 'Ho's car. It had nothing to do with me.

And Mr. Aniki had enough trouble trying to get the SSs to eat vegetables without me adding to it. If he wanted to drown broccoli in cheese sauce so they'd eat it, that was his call. MY call was to stop cooking on skid weekends.

I didn't clean up after the skids. Mr. Aniki did OR he made the skids clean up. As long as it was clean, I didnt care. When Mr. Aniki got tired of doing it, the skids did all of the cleaning up.

I didn't force my opinions on how the skids should be raised or what they should or should not do. It was up to my husband - their father. I made the decision to let him parent his kids and for HIM to either make them do chores or do them himself. 

You do not seem to understand that everyone is not like you, everyone does not believe the same things you do, and it is not failing to do things differently. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Last edited by Aniki-Moderator (10/20/2025 2:16 pm)

Rags, I am pleased to hear you say you made many mistakes in your journey.  Because often your posts come across like "if you all just did it like we do it, there would be no problem".  But your main step parenting took place many years ago, you had one child that you lived with most of the time, he lived in your household from babyhood, these factors made it easier for you than many of us have it. 
I find some of the phrases you use, offensive, such as "failed family breeders", "failed family progeny" - "failed family baggage" used in this thread  I find it disrespectful.  
The fact that you and your DW maintained a united front is all credit to you, many of us do not manage that a lot of the time.  When I offered suggestions on how my DH could better parent (having already brought up to adulthood two well adjusted kids), I was told to never do that again, it was not helpful.  

 

Last edited by Kes (10/21/2025 12:24 am)

States were given latitude to spend their funds as they saw fit, which, it seems, was a mistake. Instead of funding high-quality tutoring programs or other programs that benefited students, districts spent money for professional development or on capital expenditures such as replacing HVAC systems and obtaining electric buses. 

[size=125]This is a very sore spot for me, not only because I know COVID so negatively impacted education, but because I was working in both government and partially government-funded agencies during and after COVID and saw MASSIVE fraud and abuse with the ARPA money (even saw it with my own neighbors committing fraud; a relative of mine got a huge COVID loan under false pretenses and invested all of it and made a TON of money), funds provided by both administrations. (I was bewildered that my husband and I received checks when we did not need money, so I donated mine.) 
I also noted the year 2013--those were the days when employers began complaining that parents were accompanying their adult children to job interviews (jaw on the floor), the days when parents were calling employers on behalf of their kids and, well, yea, the days when everyone got a trophy. 
I spoke with one mother who was homeschooling (rather the kids homeschooled themselves, as she didn't get out of bed until early afternoon) and asked her what books SHE was reading. She looked at me wide-eyed and said, "I don't read." She bragged that her one daughter earned a bachelor's degree. It was via a virtual college with the worst reputation ever. Just roll 'em in and roll 'em out and collect their money. [/size]

Rags wrote:

My wife would not have tolerated me being anything less than fully a parent to the child she brought to the marriage. I would not have tolerated being anything less than a full parent.

My skids have full parents. Granted that BioHo is/was a bloody awful parent, but she is their mother and I did not marry Mr. Aniki to be a 'full parent'; I married him to be his wife. Having a say in their behavior while in our home was a given, but bad grades, what age they could date, what clothing was unacceptable, and countless other parental decisions... It didn't matter if I agreed or not because they were not mine to make. 

Rags wrote:

While I get that there are any number of influences on that, it is not something I understand.  It is beyond my understanding for a couple to hold each other and their relationship as anything less than steadfast

No, you don’t. And that's okay. I did NOTHING like you did. My marriage is intact and stronger than ever and I have strong, loving relationships with all four skids. Just because you don't understand doesn't mean it won't work.

It isn't just the impact of Covid years.. though that didn't help.  It certainly wasn't helped by the absolute BOOM in debt taken on by counties to build fancy schmancy new schools where the kids are getting less and less value out of what happens in the 4 walls. This is something that was starting way....way back.. back as I was finishing up in the late 70-early 80s.. the mainstreaming push.. the standardization push for all schools.

I know this isn't going to be popular.. but how can teachers and schools be all that effective when they are too busy dealing with endless IEP situations.. all the accommodations.. And.. putting kids in mainstream classes that are not mentally nor emotionally able to keep up or participate without being disruptive.  No child left behind.. yeah.. sounds nice.. except some kids will never be at a normal level of education.. and wouldn't it be better for them to be with teachers and aids more suited to their problems.. than having every single teacher have to deal with blending that into their classrooms.

They haven't uplifted the slower kids.. they just dumbed it down so the slowest could barely keep up.. perhaps a few super gifted get elevated.. but a lot of kids just become bored and frustrated with dealing with the chaos every day... they don't learn.. nothing much is expected.

Then you have the almost necessity of 2 person households.. mom and dad both work.. those girls that could barely get out of HS?  they are your daycare workers... so.. who is working with your child on stimulation... on learning shapes.. colors.. numbers.. reading to them?  no one.. mom and dad are at work.. and the babysitter is on snapchat.. your child parked in front of a screen.

It's the newer push that "mental health" has to be constantly discuassed.. we all are on some spectrum.. shoot.. at my large corp.. the headline the other day at our work was a mental health workshop.. today's first story was about menopause.. on the company website.  neither are honestly related directly to our job are they?

I'm not saying that if you are dealing with stress.. just push it down.. but when everyone is leaning into these diagnosis and issues and using them as excuses why they can't do work.. vs seeking appropriate care outside of school/work.. it is going to keep giving us these kinds of results.

A help would be a return to the home for one parent when kids are younger.. but financially that will be tough.. and it leaves that parent financially vulnerable.. but on the other hand.. the kids are really on the losing end.. and we are already seeing a lot of problems as a result of this lack of education...

It seems like we were doing a better job before the layer of federal oversight... no wonder some want to pull that back and give that power back to the states.. maybe the history taught wouldn't be the same.. but math is math right (well.. maybe not any more. .lol)

@esmod. I teach in a special school and I am a huge supporter for them. The idea that some teacher can give the same level of instruction to my students after a one day course is absurd. I studied for years to be an expert in what I do. a teacher with 30 students five or six of whom have additional disability is simply cannot provide the best to those students, let alone having the time for all of the typically developing students. I always love everything you say esmod.