It’s okay to feel how you are feeling so be kind to yourself, you are judging yourself way more harshly than anybody else is.  As for your kids, talk to them, get it all out and deal with it now so you can all move on.  Relationships are hard to get over no matter how toxic they are.  Write this stuff down so a month from now, a year from now you can look back and see how far you have come.  Start focusing on you and all the amazing things you are getting back in your life not having to deal with some emotionally immature man child who should have to wear a sign, so no other woman falls for his bs.

Aw, Rumple, please don't be embarrassed. We've all been there, in one form or another. Good on you for being honest. Frankly, it is his great loss because you were generous and accommodating and are a wonderful, loving woman. 

It hurts now, but the pain will fade and happiness from lack of all that stress and drama will grow. Be good to yourself. 
 
And please change the locks.

Give yourself time to grieve. It's natural when you go through a loss. 

So glad you are out of that mess.

None of us has been a perfect parent. I have plenty of regrets. Ive had several long convos with my daughter and we move forward with love.

Grieve for a bit. Spend time living in the moment with your new-found peace.

Wow Rumple. That truly sucks. Im sorry you are going through this, but hey, at least its a clean break, sort of.

Dear Rumple, please do not beat yourself up over what might have been. The past is over and cannot be changed, accept that. Look to the future and make it the best you possibly can. Above all, be kind to yourself.

Sorry to hear this. I think he's really lost and just so overly enmeshed with his kids... It's all such unhealthy behavior.   We are all here to listen and help. Sorry it played out this way. What he's doing is nuts. I imagine he'll probably still end up on the couch... I don't think any of that will end "normal" over there when there's so much dysfunction.

Last edited by Yesterdays (10/21/2025 8:44 am)

@Rumplestiltskin, Sorry about the break-up. That never feels good. But it seems to me you made every effort to make the situation work. Your SO has some work to do on himself to make himself be a better partner. Too bad that he couldn't figure it out with you. His loss, I'm sure.

It feels like he was always a drain on you.. With constant worry hanging over like what dumb decisions he was likely going to make because he didn't respect your boundaries or consult with you about things that impacted you. He was always disrespectful in that way to not consider your feelings about things. This is your life too!! You shouldn't have to worry about this man child and his poor decision making and actions that is dragging you down with him. I feel like you will likely experience relief and eventually freedom to live a better life without the worry of his poor choices looming over. Because you won't be tied to it any longer. You can be free from him and all that comes with it.

I second what ESMOD said about gifts!

Winterglow wrote:

I second what ESMOD said about gifts!

Me too. I was wondering what’s that symbolic of, because generally when mature people break up, they want the other one to have some good memories, just like themselves, even though both understand that they can’t be together. You can break up, feel hurt, angry and even a bit petty in the moment, but ultimately you are still wishing that person well. Particularly when in your case it was his children that were the main obstacle (well, I know it’s not so clear cut, but that’s what he should be thinking).

So him demanding all these significant/symbolic things back- does that mean that all of his kindness/generosity/giving (material and immaterial) were transactional, calculated actions and only conditional on what he was going to get from you in return?
In his eyes, did the action of giving mean he was buying your compliance and subservience? Hence him getting sh!tty when you don’t just comply with his one-sided decisions?
Is there some narcissistic rage going on and despite your long history and good moments together he’s making you “pay”?

Either way, it sounds like good riddance of bad rubbish. Him and his ilk.

Last edited by BanksiaRose (10/26/2025 3:15 am)

Absolutely be kind to yourself.  As for returning gifts, I would not do that. Other than the engagement ring, gifts are gifts.  If  you had married, I would not have even returned the engagement and wedding rings even if they were his cherished family heirlooms.  Since you have returned everything he requested, I would follow that by giving him an invoice for every Cent you have sunk into him and his issue with interest added  over the years.  Make it a professional invoice with lots of detail just to send the message to him of how much of a POS he is and how his poo-let spawn are as well.

No expectation of him paying you of course, but .... as a clear message.

I do not do nice very well with these types.  While I was not unkind during my divorce, I was far from supportive following the divorce when the calls would come trying to confide in me on her relationship drama, etc.....   It was interesting. While married she was extremely disengaged, hyper focused on her family, and not infrequently regularly absent from our home claiming to be at her parents.  Odds are, she was far more likely somewhere with one or more of her stable of cheat partners.

She got nasty during the final divorce hearing which flipped a switch for me.  As we walked out of the court room I held the door for her, we walked down the sweeping courthouse stairs side by side, I held the door for her again as we left the main entrance, then as we walked to the curb I stepped off, walked across the street to the parking lot, and drove away into my new life adventure. As I stepped off of the curb, she reached and placed her hand on my shoulder, I just kept going without saying a word.  As I drove away in my rear view mirror she was standing at the curb crying.  That is the last I have ever seen of her.

I did not ask for gifts back, neither did she.  Interestingly, while squeezing out the out of wedlock puppies of her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy cheat buddy, she kept wearing the engagement and wedding rings I had given her.  This is according to a good friend of mine who used the same OBGYN and ran into my XW at a couple of appointments while pregnant.  My friend asked her about the rings. XW said that she wore them so people would not harass her about being a single mother.  Knowing my XILs, that is likely due to her family not being particularly supportive of her life choices.  My XW had a baffling need to seek comfort and absolution from people following our divorce.  While waiting for OBGYN appointments on at least two occasions my XW bared her soul to my friend talking about how she would book hunting trips for her brother and me so she could spend weekends with various lovers, etc.......  I knew about most of it due to her leaving her diaries in our home when she moved out.

Over the next couple of years she would make crying calls to me about some life challenge or another.  I pretty much gray rocked her.  Though back then it was not a thing.

Kindness is earned IMHO.  These types get what they earn.

Have fun sending the bill with the detailed spreadsheet clearly documenting his dirtbag status.

I would.

Take care of you and celebrate your freedom while working through the grief.

 

I'm glad you made it to the other side, I'm sorry you're hurting from it.

Time will pass and things will be better, they certainly can't get worse.

Sending hugs