Thanks Aniki. Thanks for responding. Though I asked the question, I just couldn't say 'no' to helping out with dinner. It feels so heartless to tell dh to 'feed his own damn son', not that I would say it like that. Thankfully, BS can make it tonight, so I'll have some comfort. 

I appreciate you saying that SS shouldn't assume we're free. The thing is, dh is probably the one who offered to have him over, so I can't put that on him. And DH is excited to see SS after a month, so I would feel horrible throwing cold water on that. I'm going with the suck it up route. But my sister is on standby for drinks if I need an escape. I'm glad she is always understanding.

I wish sometimes that SS would go back to the days that he would treat me with blatant disrespect. At least I could use it as an excuse not to be around him. As it is, I would just come off like an a**hole for rebuffing SS for "no reason". Dh knows we've had a bad history and admitted that he could see signs that SS is passive-aggressive with me. But he doesn't truly want to or can't see how that impacts me. I want to cultivate good will in dh, so that curtails just doing what I feel like.

Last edited by Tryingjusttrying (9/27/2025 1:56 pm)

Ugh. "WE" are making dinner. Uh...no, DH. YOU are making dinner. Don't miss an opportunity to slip out. This is a last minute invite...you have plans. "Sorry, DH, I have plans. You can cook for your son or take him out."

Regardless, even if it wasn't last minute...my DH well knows...you invite your kids here without advising me ahead of time.....you are on your own.  

When DH got back from dropping SS off, it was really late. I had reflected/stewed the whole time. I opened my eyes to some facts and made some decisions. I realized how readily and often DH has been willing to sacrifice my mental health for the tiniest gain for SS. It's kind of pathological, actually. But I think it's something like his son is an extension of dh's ego and whatever narcissist tendencies he has in regards to himself, he also endows to his son, and I'm completely on the outside of that circle of concern.

DH has been manipulative, and I saw that very clearly yesterday. I had decided to request of DH that if SS ever came for a last minute visit again, that instead of making plans with him to make his favorite meals here and hang out here, to go out instead. That would leave me the choice to go to dinner with them or not. DH was quite upset and yelled at me that I just don't like SS, which is his way of guilting me into submission. I don't want to be the evil stepmom who kicks their stepkids out of their own home. But not only did I not back down, I stood firm that I had ample justification for feeling angst around the guy who bullied me for 7 years, and yes, that does affect how I experience his presence. I'm not going to take complete blame for feeling anxiety around him. And in any case, what really is the harm in going out with him instead of coming here? He can still be the parent he wants to be.

DH kept saying that if I had requested that they go out on their own Saturday night, he would have gladly accommodated me. Sure, right, except that after I made that same request for future last-minute visits, dh spent many minutes brow-beating me and questioning me. Oh, so in the imaginary scenario in which I made the request Saturday, you would have graciously honored my request, but you're refusing to do it in actuality going forward. That was revealing. He isn't sincere about honoring my experience and perspective. It has always been him and his son or the highway.

But I just kept repeating 'so you will not honor my request'? I think in the past I would have been cowed and guilted. But I think I'm done. I'm buoyed though because when DH saw that I was serious, he relented. He went from angry/aggressive to conciliatory. Interesting. Is he that calculating? But even with that, I'm going forward with my plans. He and I both work, but I do the lion's share of chores and cooking. I decided that I'm going to focus on me, and he can focus on himself. It's a general overhaul, not just to do with SS. 

Thanks MorningMia. To answer your question, I grew up with a malignant narcissist dad and so I have a hard time identifying and asserting my boundaries. My SS who is aggressive and arrogant (perhaps narcissistic himself) pushes all the familiar buttons. My struggles with him are made more difficult by the fact that old hurts get triggered, adding to my angst. One thing I'm learning though is that old hurts may amplify my anxious reactions, but it does not create the unjust reality that causes the anxiety. I have to make that clear to DH who tries to pin all of my reactions to "my baggage". I've actually learned a lot about myself through all of this not despite but because of SS. So it's actually been a good thing for me in the end.

This weekend was a big deal, and we landed back in marriage counseling this week at DH's suggestion to "fix" my baggage - lol. But I was good with it. He didn't want to go back to the old therapist. I think it's because the therapist didn't say the things dh wanted to hear. I think dh expects them to tell him, 'heck yeah, it's all about doing whatever it takes for the child! She's the bad one!' But instead, the old therapist told him he needed to make sure to protect me. This new one seems pretty balanced and fair. She made DH feel comfortable, but she did say that she thought SS needed therapy himself. She wondered why he was so angry with his SM? She also asked DH why he was so upset with my suggestion to go out with SS instead of bringing him to our home the next time he comes for a surprise visit. She asked him wasn't it a way to make everyone happy? I think that was good for DH to hear. When I made that suggestion to dh, at the time, dh barked 'no' at me and he looked so angry. What he doesn't realize is how much of that anger is being fueled by missplaced guilt and whatever else. He just sees any hesitation on my part to see SS as a full rejection of SS, and then I become to him a villain. But with these therapists, he's getting feedback that maybe it's okay to consider my needs and experience too. That accommodating my experience doesn't automatically mean betraying SS. 

The most important thing for me though is that internally, I didn't back down. Normally, after getting angry as a reaction to the unfairness of my situation, I immediately regret it, and feel guilty and try to make myself small again. But this time, I didn't feel that way. I was quite certain that I had a right to some boundaries, and I didn't have to earn or beg for it somehow by kow-towing to SS or having to pay some price. I read that people who are easily gaslit are people who are quick to abandon their own perceptions and beliefs. I have done that in the past. But I'm starting to feel that it's enough for me to stand by my hard-earned notions even if DH doesn't back me up. The therapist this week certainly seemed to support my stance. One big notion I want to defend is that a natural consequence of SS trying to bully me for 7 years is that I'm going to have a stress reaction around him. DH gets mad because he wants me to nurture and embrace SS. Me having a stress reaction is clearly not that. But how does he expect I will act after years of SS 'treating my like an a**hole (those are DH's words to describe SS's behavior to me to the therapist). Despite his acknowledgement, dh also has this side that thinks no matter what SS does, I should treat him like a golden child. It's been like living in a huge pressure cooker to have dh scan for any negative reactions I have to SS, ready to jump down my throat. It was nice to hear the therapist support my point of view. I'm not a monster for feeling anxious around SS. 

The most important thing for me though is that internally, I didn't back down

YES! And I have noticed a significant change in your posts since you first came to ST. Bravo!  You are a thoughtful, smart person. 
My family of origin was pretty dysfunctional but I made it through in part by being blessed with really good friends (at whose homes I would hide out) and was exposed to functional families and people (plus serious therapy in my 20s). It was kind of nice that my parents really didn't want me around all that much. The 2 siblings who stayed close to home ended up very dysfunctional while the 2 of us who went our own ways are somewhat sane and functional. 
I learned a while back not to tell people everything about my childhood (I know that's kind of weird when it comes to spouses) because it is too easy for them to attribute every thought or complaint of yours back to your childhood and then use it against you to win an argument. 
So glad that you all are sticking with therapy. It is difficult! 

 

I did "tell it like it is" in a small dose today. DH asked me if I had broken something of his. I tend to be clumsy, and so it is plausible that I did. When I do though, I fess up right away. This time I didn't do it, or at least didn't remember doing it, so I told him that. He used the logic that there was no one else in the house, so who could it have been? That was really triggering because I've had property messed with and stolen, and that was exactly the thought I had. It wasn't me or dh, so who could have done that? In the past, DH got red in the face with anger when I even hinted that SS could be a culprit. But today, I told dh all the things of mine that I thought SS messed with or stole, and yes he did get mad and defensive. But this time, he didn't immediately shut me down as he has in the past. Maybe just maybe his eyes are opening a little? But I think that if I push too hard too fast, dh will get defensive and I'll be lucky if he agrees with me that 1+1=2.

I was reading back at my previous post about my fear of SS's return home from school, and this surprise visit was the kind of thing I had feared. I was also on the fence about whether to encourage DH to go out with SS, potentially making me feel left out, or to include me in plans. I have definitely decided that I do not want to be included if I don't have to. I'm realizing that I have ptsd from my experience with SS and I have a visceral reaction to being around him just as anyone would who was forced to be in the same room with someone who tried to bully them for years.

For whatever reason, SS is visiting yet again this weekend. It's not last minute at least. SS notified him and his mom about it just yesterday. DH had justified all of the time and attention he gave SS the weekend before last by saying that he hadn't seen SS in over a month and won't again until Thanksgiving. He justified trampling on my plans and space, every single one of them, to accommodate SS's last minute whim to visit. I wonder how this weekend will play out now. Our argument was around last minute visits. Yet I still will feel trampled on if they dictate plans, and dh doesn't genuinely allow me to help shape them.

By the way, one thing that is contributing is that DH still feels like our home belongs more to SS than me since SS was here "first". DH denies it, but I think that's part of why he became absolutely irate when I wanted to carve out space here during SS's visit. I think in dh's mind, SS has more of a right to be here than me, and he sure as hell isn't going to prevent SS from coming here *just* because I don't want him to. At least, that was the thinking then. I do think our session with the therapist helped challenge that a little.