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1 of 1- CastleJJ
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It's Been A While
I haven't posted in about a month. Honestly, everything has been quiet on the Steplife front for the last month.
SS13 last visited over Labor Day weekend and it was a good enough visit. DH continues to call SS once per week to check in and text occasionally. Outside of the weekly scheduled calls, DH hasn't heard from SS at all. Hell, DH barely heard from BM in the month of September. To me, it has felt wonderful.
From what we do know, SS is really hating football this year. SS has been playing football since kindergarten and I think the burnout is getting to him. He said it's no longer fun and just feels like work. I had many friends in high school feel this way about sports. When you do something for so long and your parents push you so hard to be the best at it, it eventually wears you out and can make you resent the sport. I think SS has reached that point. He has 2ish weeks left of the season and told DH he is ready to be done. DH inquired about winter sports (because BM and GF require SS to do year-round sports), but SS said he is struggling to find something he is good at. He isn't doing wrestling again this year because he was so bad at it last year, plus it was incredibly demanding. DH thought BM would put SS in wrestling regardless of his feelings because it is so demanding and gives her a break daily for hours on end. SS mentioned the possibility of recreational basketball, but he said BM is opposed since it isn't competitive. It'll be interesting to see what he does. BM did email DH today that she and GF enrolled SS in a weekend enrichment group for "gifted" kids. They meet every weekend for 6-8 weeks for "academic enrichment." SS is very academically bright and is in advanced math, but aside from that, he has never really been truly labeled as "gifted." As we know, BM always needs SS to be the best, so here he is. DH and I don't think SS will enjoy this, but again, it gives BM weekends free of SS and continues the "perfect son" narrative. DH just wants to scream "let the poor kid be a kid," but he knows it will fall on deaf ears. DH is just sitting back with his popcorn and letting it play out because it seems SS is realizing BM's game and he is over it. BM is doing the hard work for us of revealing her toxic ways. I feel like I've finally reached the stage of disengagement where I don't care what BM says or what SS says and it has been so nice. I want SS to have a great life, but I'm not holding us responsible for that outcome anymore. When BM emailed DH, I was like "okay" and moved about my day.
In other news, DH and my Dad have been working every day on renovating the basement to make it usable for our growing family and to house SS when he visits. It has been long hours every day and every weekend, which has definitely taken a toll on my and DH's sanity. I am 31 weeks pregnant this week and physically, I'm definitely ready for this baby to arrive, but we still have SO much to do. I did finally bite the bullet and turn SS' room into baby's nursery and it feels nice to have things prepared. I didn't have that with DD3 as we were in the middle of moving into our house. DH and my Dad have promised the basement will be ready in time for SS to visit at Christmas, so that will not be an issue. I am having a rough go this pregnancy and pre-eclampsia is a very strong possibility (I had it with DD). I am being monitored very closely each week by my OB and will be prepared for induction at any point if needed. DD3 is over the moon about welcoming her baby sister soon.
All in all, good things to come and no bad news to report. I'm hoping this trend continues!
- ESMOD
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Re: It's Been A While
I think part of the issue with sports.. is that as the kids get older.. the playing field narrows.. and the kids that are not so good.. they drop away.. so the competition is often a bit stiffer.. and kids that may have displayed some potential early on.. well.. they may find that their abilities don't advance at the same level as other players.... sometimes an early advantage with size or strength diminishes as other kids catch up or supercede... it can make it less fun.. more work to maintain the higher level of play.
also.. more pull to other interests.. making the slog of the practice and game schedule seem more intrusive.
glad the news is generally good.. here's to a successful fall!
- Aniki-Moderator
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Re: It's Been A While
It's both happy and sad that SS is catching on to BM's toxicity. Disgusting when parents use their children as pawns to try and "one up" themselves in an attempt to show they're the "better" parent - and they never are.
Praying all goes well with your pregnancy, CastleJJ.
- Freedom
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Re: It's Been A While
Best of luck with your new bundle of joy and please try to rest as much as you can before you give birth. Disengagement is key for mental health in Stephell.
- StandingStrong
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Re: It's Been A While
You are in such a good place with the toxic step life. I admire how you were able to process it all and step back in such a healthy way.
While your SS is starting to "see" the BMs craziness, don't hold out hope on him confronting her. Way too much PAS in that home. It can happen....but he's been severely indoctrinated.
I saw the same thing happen with youngest SS here. He just could not fight back once in the 4 walls of the BM and adult SKs homes. Today, SS is 31 and just this past weekend, he told DH - I did so good with you and StandingStrong. I wish I'd never left. (He lived with us in his Junior year of high school). He and his GF are struggling in life. 3 kids, no skills and he is now seeing the damage to his adult life done by his BM and older siblings. In fact, he is not speaking to any siblings currently.
I pray your SS "sees" sooner than my DHs son. Thinking of you as you walk through your pregnancy.
- CastleJJ
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Re: It's Been A While
Thank you, everyone, for the well wishes.
I am not expecting SS to act on anything. I just think he is starting to see that maybe we aren't the true problem like BM claims we are. I think SS is starting to see that BM and GF don't actually want to spend time with him and enroll him in tons of activities to keep him occupied, whether he wants them or not. I think he is realizing, for them it is strictly ego and control, where DH, I, and the kids actually enjoy spending time together and prioritize family time and we don't expect perfection, just hard work and effort. I fully believe SS will stand by BM and GF's sides indefinitely. Maybe in adulthood, SS will form a better relationship with us, but I'm not holding my breath. I think SS is in for several decades of struggle and toxicity unless he decides to seek therapy in adulthood and work to shed that toxicity and trauma. DH and I have zero expectations for how this will all go with SS - we are just focusing on our marriage and our girls at this point, while keeping the door open if SS wants it.
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