TBH, your mom is right.. his behavior is definitely withing the bounds of typical teenage behavior.

1. prioritizing girlfriend of 3 months over most everything else? check (and 3 months in teen land IS forever and enduring love.. lol)
2. Wiggling out of chores.. Check
3. Playing parents against each other. Check
4. Trying to act grown.. accusing others of overreacting "just chill linda".. of being petty.. etc.. pushing buttons.. Check.
5. Threatening to take their ball and go home when the temperature gets a bit warm (ie move in with mom). check.
6. Seeking out space without supervision.. because.. again.. grown.. Check.

Now.. some more reality before the encouragement.
yah.. you were being a bit petty.. not reminding him that the plan was for him to go driving.. did he forget? prob not.. in the interest of him wanting to go to GF's.. but you could have simply not played the game and said.  We were going to practice driving after my class remember.  Did you change your mind on wanting to do that?

And.. your DH is not being the most mature parent when he is all.. "well fine.. I'm taking the truck and go to your mom's."  First.. both of those are things that are probably outsized consequences for what are kind of minor offenses in attitude.. Second.. they are most likely semi-empty threats.. and if the shipping him off to mom isn't an empty threat.. that kind of sucks that a parent could throw in the towel on their kid vs doing the hard work to parent them.

The Good news? The advice And Encouragement.

First.. this isn't really personal against you or your husband.. even though it may seem that way.  Kids can buck authority.. try to figure out boundaries.. and test rules.. it's part of growing up.. becoming an independent person.  It's also not parent's job to just be the kid's friend.. so firmly establishing fair boundaries.. setting and holding the kid to expectations are all fine.. it isn't "fine go live with mom".. it's " after dinner.. we are going to go do those gutters.. and dad will be there to supervise and make sure it's done.  Consequence isn't losing access to driving (which will enable the kid to also do things like drive to his own obligations.. perhaps a job etc..  and free up you and your DH from having to be at his beck and call). Consequences might be more chores added on... or loss of his phone for the weekend.. etc..

Encouragement.. It's not forever.. he only has a few more years at home.. then he should be off in the world.  Even petulant teens can grow into better adults with time and exposure to the real world. And.. again.. it's not personal.. and just because you don't see this behavior in other teens you know.. doesn't mean that their parents don't see some of it.. not everyone wears their kid trials and tribulations on their sleeve.  I am saying it's not abnormal.. but not all of it is what should be encouraged either... like doing jobs as assigned.. dad should follow up.. and DAD should follow up.. not put it on you.. and if the kid needs supervision to get it done.. well.. yeah.. it may somewhat defeat the purpose of your DH thinking he can assign a task to get it off his plate.. but part of parenting is teaching.. and teaching can take more effort than just giving up and doing things ourselves.  

The other great thing.. you can let your husband take the lead here.. it's not your job.. let him bear the weight... but I would encourage him to not threaten things that will likely not be things he can or should hold to... you know he will likely give in on the truck.. so empty threats.. well.. not that effective and kids learn that.. maybe he already has?

Oh and I bought SS15 the truck with my student loan money and it's in my name. I'm not giving in. I told DH I'll buy him a bus pass but he's not getting that truck.

1dad6kids wrote:

I guess the biggest issue is that whenever we set a boundary or say no, he's gonna run back to BM. So... How does that work? That's not a healthy family dynamic and we have 5 younger children in the home.

DH won't kick him out, but he's not going to let him off the hook.

I think that it's still possible for your DH to insist on him following his rules.  Kids have currencies.. and when he learns that delaying consequences doesn't work in his favor.. he may improve.

Like the truck.. it can be used as a motivational tool.. but a black and white.. you didn't clean the gutters and were lippy.. and you don't get it ever.. well.. you just took the stuffing out of that being a good carrot for him.

Totally going back on the truck seems outsized reaction.. when he could hear that.. well.. it will be an additional 3 months before you get access to the truck.. we were going to do it at 16.. now wait for 16 3 mo.. and so on.. maybe it gets to the point he does so many things he never gets it.. but that isn't what I would lean with.

So.. he can lose time.. or maybe he gains some back by behaving well in other ways.. doing chores.. getting good grades etc.. a give and take.. where it can be a reward.. and a potential punishment.

it also doesn't have to be the only thing.. dad can enlist other things.. groundings etc.. and keep track so that there is continuity... that the kid just can't go to mom's and get out of things completely.

@ESMOD

I guess I'm not sure how setting boundaries or dangling a carrot will stop him from going to BM's. At any rate, it's my truck. I've already listed it for sale and have someone coming this afternoon. It might be gone before he's even here. If he ends up coming. DH grew up in the same scenerio, his siblings didn't like the rules in his house so they moved in with their dad. They got addicted to drugs, lived homelessly, and didn't get back on track until his Mom took them back in and helped them clean up. He is worried that's what's going to happen to SS15. 

advice.only2 wrote:

Has DH had the bag it before you tag it talk with SS15?  If not why not!

They had a chat about a year ago but at the time SS15 was still closing his eyes when people kissed on tv...

1dad6kids wrote:

@ESMOD

I guess I'm not sure how setting boundaries or dangling a carrot will stop him from going to BM's. At any rate, it's my truck. I've already listed it for sale and have someone coming this afternoon. It might be gone before he's even here. If he ends up coming. DH grew up in the same scenerio, his siblings didn't like the rules in his house so they moved in with their dad. They got addicted to drugs, lived homelessly, and didn't get back on track until his Mom took them back in and helped them clean up. He is worried that's what's going to happen to SS15. 

Well.. the carrot and stick stuff becomes currency.. no.. doesn't necessarily stop him from trying to go to BM's.. but when he realizes those consequences and rewards transcend his location.. (like hey.. dad.. need new nikes.. uh.. no son.. we wanted that gutter cleaned.. you want those shoes.. you clean the gutters).. 

and I get that you bought the truck.. absolutely in your position.. you didn't have to.. you can do what you want with your funds.. but will your DH want to get him a vehicle now?.. it's his kid.. my point was that holding out the promise of a vehicle is potential currency to get good behavior.

and.. he is worried.. so the words.. "fine he can go live with BM".. should never come out of his mouth.. he should be making every effort to not only exercise visitation.. but parent presently while the kid is in his home. not push that off on you.

@ESMOD

The only transactional effort I was expecting would be if driving was important to someone, they would want to make that possible. Unfortunately Monday was the only day that he could book his license with me, and since I was the only one taking him for driving lessons he had expressed that he wanted to make sure we did it. He is supposed to be with us on his birthday but it looks like he's not coming back.

DH will not buy him a vehicle, he's the one that took it away. SS15 doesn't know I'm the one that bought it, but he does know he's not getting it now and he hasn't mentioned another word about it so he quite obviously doesn't care. It's not exactly a carrot that could be dangled if the only thing SS15 is interested in right now is fooling around with his girlfriend.

DH has an open invitation for SS15 to come back. SS15 keeps claiming he has anxiety and needs space... I told SS15 to not worry about it, everyone makes mistakes and not to let this one define his relationship with his dad and younger siblings. He still isn't coming home.

He's not going to come back when his Mom is the one dangling the carrot he wants: a shut bedroom door and his teenage girlfriend inside with him. We will never allow that in our home.