Step Chat - a safe place where stepparents can vent » The veneer finally cracked and peeled away

MorningMia · 9/06/2025 8:01 am

Back in the day, DH denied SD’s nastiness. She’s a master manipulator and, like Tryingjusttrying’s SS, very “Eddie Haskell”-like: people-pleasing and kind to and around DH (for the most part) and passive aggressive, sneering, rude and cruel to me (in the past) when he wasn’t looking. Tears gushed whenever DH confronted her about her more obvious rudeness to him/us together or some of her more obviously bad behavior toward me. She has spent the past 22 years gaslighting him. She and her mother have also created a completely false public image. Part of that public narrative was “the big lie” that DH abandoned the family and that I’m a witch—they have been victims of us.

As DH admitted more about SD through the years, he tried to excuse her behavior, citing BM’s demands and PAS and a weak (SD) character. Poor widdle SD. While he has acknowledged much at this point, he has never before seen and fully admitted to the cruelty and viciousness that I knew was part of SD’s character. Until yesterday.

He's visiting them for the weekend. He does not stay with them. He told me they were on the way to the grocery store [sidebar: funny how whenever he goes to visit and there is going to be a home-cooked meal—which is rare, as he often takes everyone out—magically, no one has gone grocery shopping; therefore, he’s always accompanying the family to the grocery store, where I’m sure Daddy Warbucks pays for everything]. So, he’s in the car with SD and four children, the oldest being his son-in-law’s sister who SD and SIL adopted. She’s an adolescent.

SD asks the younger kids if they want snacks. “The adopted one,” – let’s just called her Unwanted (it’s really sad) – asks, “Are you mad at me?” (An incident had happened earlier). And then, although DH had been there just only an hour or two, SD could not contain herself and say, “Let’s talk about this later,” like a grown-arse adult, but instead lost her $hit. In front of the younger kids, in front of DH. In the car.

It got so bad, DH said, that SD and Unwanted got out of the vehicle for a public verbal throw down in a parking lot (DH was mortified). “I have never seen SD so enraged.” He didn't recognize his daughter. And then he told me that he heard her scream at Unwanted, “Why don’t you just go back to your mother?” The girl’s mother is a drug addict who is not allowed any contact with her. The girl replied, “Why did you all adopt me, anyway?” It sounded horrible. This altercation wasn’t about any terrible deed done by Unwanted; she got in minor trouble at school.

DH was shocked at what he saw in his darling daughter—an out-of-control, raging, mean, cruel, no-holds-barred B. Although she prides herself on being a therapist who helps all those poor unenlightened souls out there who don’t have it together like she does, she couldn’t control herself even in front of the man she has worked so hard to fool all these years. It tells me things are pretty bad, but I think they’ve always been.

I calmly said to DH, “DH, she can be very mean and very cruel. She’s got it in her. She directed some of it at me for a long time, mostly when your head was turned. You didn’t believe me; you thought I was making things up. I’ve seen this in her for a long time. Sometimes it came out toward you, but in a much more passive aggressive manner, where it could be more easily denied. It’s always been there.”

Then I was shocked. He said he talked to SD…not scolding, but very strongly confronting her about her behavior, talking to her about the feelings of Unwanted, and also acknowledging the stress SD is obviously under. He’s never been so confrontational with her and said he plans on talking with her more about it today. Not that it will do any good, unfortunately. It will just teach her to try to better control herself around him in the future. That this incident couldn’t be contained during a short weekend visit by DH tells us that this kind of thing is happening much more often as the public gaslighting goes on and everyone down there is apparently on meltdown mode. The veneer is peeling. I AM SO GLAD I AM NOT INVOLVED!

The skids were always taught to fake it in front of DH, to lie to him, to keep the stupidest secrets from him because, I think, BM “needed” her cocoon of dysfunction with them, needed their 100% loyalty (which meant rejecting others) but also needed to portray to the world, and perhaps mostly to DH, that she was the perfect mother leading the perfect life with perfect kids. She will be absolutely livid if she learns about SD’s meltdown in front of DH.

DH has seen something in his daughter that he has tried so hard not to see for 2 decades now. I’ve been there – that moment when you see an ugly truth about someone, a truth you didn’t want to see. It’s jarring.

Kes · 9/06/2025 11:34 am

It's good that he has seen what she's really like. I always saw what the Madams were like, particularly SD30. DH tried his hardest not to see it, to deny it. Just lately he has made a few remarks which indicate that the scales are finally falling from his eyes. But it has to be really extreme behaviour which achieves this.
I hope for your sake that this ushers in a new way of relating on the part of your DH, to his daughter. It sounds like he is capable of confronting her, which is good.

Merry · 9/06/2025 4:17 pm

Oh yeah, my DH lived at Camp Denial too, even before I met him. SD just stepped it up when I was on the scene.

It’s hard to face the truth. He does recognize her cruelty and selfishness now that she’s directed it toward him. Before that I was exaggerating, misunderstood whatever she said or did, was too impatient, didn’t acknowledge that she was trying SO HARD to get to know me. There was always an excuse or an explanation.

I’m sorry my DH is hurting now, I really am. That doesn’t repair the damage that was done though.

Rags · 9/06/2025 4:55 pm

It is pathetic how many on the quality side of the blended family spectrum facilitate, support, empower, and actively feed this kind of crap as they try to make up excuses for what these noxious spawns choose to be.

The behaviors chosen by these noxious spawn are their active choices. Far too many make a mistake about that. Make no mistake, It is their fault because it is their choice. They choose to perpetrate the behaviors that the Disney guilt driven parent side try so hard to justify a reason, deflect the blame away from the noxious spawn choosing the crap behaviors, and ultimately is at least as responsible as the noxious parent side of the equation.

It is a difficult journey for the quality and truly caring parent to come to clarity on what and who their noxious spawn truly are and actively choose to be. So many SParents get sucked into the self-delusion of the excuse focused parent that they are married to.

It is a gut-wrenching process However, when the excuse focused parent starts to gain clarity that their spawn are noxious, only then is there any hope of some sense of normalcy evolving. If, the excuse focused parent can not abandon their developing character and continue to maintain clarity.

Parents who are Hope-ium addicts unfortunately are rarely worthy partners of good people.

IMHO of course.

Tryingjusttrying · 9/09/2025 6:21 pm

Wow, I would feel so vindicated if I were you. And as you say, you weren't even a part of the drama! I understand why that would be important to you. It isn't just you, you aren't making it up. Her behavior is completely on her (that would be true even if you were a part of the drama, but for all of the reasons we talk about here, the SOs often shift blame to us).

I don't think you could have written a better script to expose the duplicity of your SD. What happened is exactly the kind of thing I have wanted to happen in my situation in order to demonstrate to DH that SS's disrespect and contempt towards me is real and rooted in facts, not just my "feelings". My moments have been a lot more understated. But I feel like SS is a little less savvy than your SD. He can't completely cover up his negative character traits - he is highly arrogant, is very callous, and crosses boundaries, and dh does notice even if doesn't mention them to me. Until SS left for college, he was still just taking property that didn't belong to him without asking.

After DH and I went to couples therapy, dh admitted to me that he did notice some of the disrespect I tried to tell him about, but he had previously denied it. I think after therapy, he realized that his explicit denials were a form of gaslighting rather than helping me to take a more positive view of SS. But fundamentally, dh can't admit to himself that SS is deeply flawed.

For whatever reason, SS has messed with my property, like ruined a pair of very expensive sunglasses, messed with a pair of boots (sanded down one of the pair) and a pair of sandals (slashed them, but they looked like they could have been accidental from normal wear). I feel like I sound crazy when I talk about it. But when I went to get my boots reheeled a month ago, the shoe guy told me that the two were so different in color, that he would have to stain and shine only one boot to try and get them to look the same. My dh and I actually noticed the discoloration for the first time at the same time. I was like 'I wonder how that happened'? I think we both knew. DH didn't do it; I didn't do it; the dog didn't do it, and who else is left? But either DH didn't want to admit it to himself or didn't want to admit it to me, he maintained that the discoloration was purely from my wear and tear. So at no point was there any acknowledgement on his part that I'm having to live with someone destroying my stuff. I learned not to push it. When SS scratched up my sunglasses years ago, dh became so angry that I would accuse SS that he turned red. I didn't have proof, so there was no definitive facts to support my "suspicions". So as far as he was concerned, I was just being paranoid.

Sorry for the rant. Happy for you that the truth came out! I hope it leads to your DH to protect you more from SD.

Rags · 9/10/2025 11:40 am

My SS used to worship SpermGrandHag. Over time he learned that she was the root cause of the SpermClan significant level of pathetic.

SpermIdiot is the serially out of wedlock breeding serial statutory rapist because the Hag coddled him and ran interference when SpermGrandPa tried to parent. SpermGrandPa finally gave up and put his efforts into their DD who compared to the Spermidiot is a blaring success.

SpermGrandPa let his frustration show when the Judge ruled that CS would increase. Spermidiot never paid his own CS bills. The Hag paid it for him. On all 4 of his OOWL children by three different baby mamas. My bride is the only one who kept her child. The other two BMs took the CS on the condition thaat the kids would live with and be raised by the Hag.

Our son is a man of character, honor, and standing in his life, profession, and community. He is the eldest of the Spermidiot's 4. #2 is struggling and on the dole, #3 is in prison serving a long sentence for felony armed burglary, #4 is not far behind #3.

SS's evolution to understanding that the Hag is the epicenter of toxicity in the SpermClan was challenging for him. He used to take the stand that she was the only parent and support that his younger half sibs had. It was sad to see him recognize reality rather than the facade the Hag stood behind.

Meera · 9/10/2025 11:09 pm

It takes a special kind of willful ignorance for these men to keep their blindfolds on for so long.

Last week I mentioned to DH that The Diablas are mean to which Dh said he "doesn't like it" when I say they are mean. He actually said out loud that "they are like scared little bunnies."

I think I threw-up inside my mouth a little when he said that. An image of murderous bunnyzillas with big sharp, scary teeth came to mind. We're talking about women in their mid-to-late 20's. aggressively assertive OSD is nearly 30 y/o, hardly a scared wittle baby bunny. She stomps around and has an intimidating presence like an evil-bunny-godzilla. She has no problem taking up space and demands more space. She is self-important and thinks that she is the only person that matters.

I haven't seen that level of rose-colored-glasses on DH in a while. It was kind of scary. He had a couple of drinks so maybe it was the wine talking.

How was it calling your DH out like that? Did he listen? I have backed way off on calling out the SD's or DH on the bull-crap, simply because my goal is to spend my energy on productive, positive things, and generally spending energy on SD's is not productive or positive and does not bring me joy. Although, to be fair, the recent incident of YSD not even saying hello to me when we hosted her in our home did push me over the edge. I had a few choice words for DH after she left, such as "your daughters are mean."

Isn't it wonderful when you finally are able to remove yourself from the insanity? DH goes out with SD's by himself now. I am so happy that he gets to deal with all of their drama. I am no longer avaiable to be a meat shield for them to project all of their own unhappiness and dysfunction onto.

Last edited by Meera (9/11/2025 12:41 am)

Rags · 9/10/2025 11:38 pm

Meera,

I am all for accountability and boundaries. That you have kept the message on the Diablas front and center for DH consistently has clearly made a difference. I am glad you reminded him that they are mean. Tuff crap if that bothers him. It should bother him. It is sad that you saying it is what bothers him and that the reality that they are mean doesn't bother him. The truth hurts. The truth regarding his DDs (Demon Daughters) should hurt.

I love your new name BTW. It has several meanings. In Arabic it means Miracle. From a SParent perspective, it has an even better additional meaning. It means Boundary. You setting boundaries is part of the miracle that you are.

If I ever had a DD, I intended to name her Mira (Meera). Some leftovers from growing up, living, and working in the Middle East for much of my life.

Last edited by Rags (9/10/2025 11:39 pm)

Meera · 9/11/2025 12:46 am

Thanks for your encouragement Rags.

Miracle is a very sweet meaning. Mira would be a beautiful name for a girl. Meanwhile, I picked it as a silly play-on-words. I'm in my "me" + "era," therefore Meera.

Last edited by Meera (9/11/2025 12:47 am)

MorningMia · 9/11/2025 6:19 am

Meera wrote:
It takes a special kind of willful ignorance for these men to keep their blindfolds on for so long.

Last week I mentioned to DH that The Diablas are mean to which Dh said he "doesn't like it" when I say they are mean. He actually said out loud that "they are like scared little bunnies."

I think I threw-up inside my mouth a little when he said that. An image of murderous bunnyzillas with big sharp, scary teeth came to mind. We're talking about women in their mid-to-late 20's. aggressively assertive OSD is nearly 30 y/o, hardly a scared wittle baby bunny. She stomps around and has an intimidating presence like an evil-bunny-godzilla. She has no problem taking up space and demands more space. She is self-important and thinks that she is the only person that matters.

I haven't seen that level of rose-colored-glasses on DH in a while. It was kind of scary. He had a couple of drinks so maybe it was the wine talking.

How was it calling your DH out like that? Did he listen? I have backed way off on calling out the SD's or DH on the bull-crap, simply because my goal is to spend my energy on productive, positive things, and generally spending energy on SD's is not productive or positive and does not bring me joy. Although, to be fair, the recent incident of YSD not even saying hello to me when we hosted her in our home did push me over the edge. I had a few choice words for DH after she left, such as "your daughters are mean."

Isn't it wonderful when you finally are able to remove yourself from the insanity? DH goes out with SD's by himself now. I am so happy that he gets to deal with all of their drama. I am no longer avaiable to be a meat shield for them to project all of their own unhappiness and dysfunction onto.

"Scared little bunnies" almost made me spit out my coffee! Seriously!
And then your following description. HA!

I have always been a caller-outer when it comes to DH and the skids. I used to call him out in a much angrier way (when I was directly exposed to skid behavior). It used to result in us yelling at one another. Through the years, DH slowly began to admit truths about his kids and began complaining about them himself. He admitted his kids' behaviors embarrassed him. SS would yell at him and SD's using and manipulation became more obvious. I think a big turning point for him was how we were treated at SD's wedding 5 years ago. He wanted to walk out before the ceremony, but I wouldn't let him --- it would have fed into the false narrative they created about us (looking back, we probably should have left--that would have finally yanked the band-aid off). He has confronted them about their behavior through the years with zero results. Now, it's like he has pretend relationships with his kids. 99% of their communication is over the phone when I'm not around. He sees them 2 - 4 times a year. So, when he tells me something and I state the truth, I just say it in a normal voice and he hears it. We have grown pretty open with one another re: critiques and truths without getting defensive. It's been a long road, though, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sometimes surprised that we made it through.

In our everyday life, anything happening with the skids, any news, normally doesn't come up. Yes, it is nice!

Meera · 9/11/2025 11:13 am

"Through the years, DH slowly began to admit truths about his kids and began complaining about them himself."

Same. What I came to realize is that if *I* join in complaining then all of a sudden DH will allow ME to carry the burden of being mad at them and act like his side is lily white. He did this when I became mad at BM's nasty tactics and he will do it with the diablas.

It's great that you are able to speak calmly to your husband and he is able to hear it. We're not really at that point yet.

I'm sick of being the one that is mad on his behalf. Now when he's angry with them I let him be the angry one. I want no part of it. I don't even like listening to it anymore. I may ask a couple of open-ended questions but I no longer state my thoughts.

Yesterday DH was upset because YSD contacted him to say that her computer stopped working. DH suspects that she did something stupid, like drop it, to break it. He thinks this because of her history. When something "breaks," it's usually that SD broke it. What DH did not say is that not only did SD probably break it, she will also LIE to his face about breaking it. It was so annoying to listen to him go on about it. I finally said, "I don't want to put any thought into this because I will never know what really happened. Do you think you would be able to ask her and she would tell you the truth about what happened?" Crickets. Of course she wouldn't tell him the truth. I just wanted to plant the seed and let him simmer on it. He is a fixer and so it bugs him when he can't fix it for her.

He was also ranting about how she always leaves her crap and how at her age (26) he shouldn't have to check to see what crap she left in his car or in the house. She then expects/demands him to bring these lost items back to her. It's a long drive. She demands he meet her somewhere. Then she shows up late and acts like a byatch and that turns into an entirely new drama.

I didn't say a word in response. I don't even want to hear about it. I refuse to be a part of these exchanges. I have had enough of SD being a snotty overgrown brat in response to DH accommodating her stupidity.

Rags · 9/11/2025 9:21 pm

Meera wrote:
Thanks for your encouragement Rags.

Miracle is a very sweet meaning. Mira would be a beautiful name for a girl. Meanwhile, I picked it as a silly play-on-words. I'm in my "me" + "era," therefore Meera.

I like your definition even better. Your Me-era is you making your own miracle.

Meera · 9/11/2025 11:15 pm

Thanks Rags, you’re the best

Rags · 9/12/2025 6:57 pm

Veneers/facades rarely last for long. Eventually the tarnish turns the shiny gold ring a dingey green and does the same to the finger the polished poo of a ring in on. Or the veneer cracks, or the facade falls off.

When tested in the crucible of reality, only the genuine article will maintain its luster.

Never forget, at its core, a polished poo is what it is no matter how shiny it may look on the surface.

Last edited by Rags (9/12/2025 6:58 pm)

2Tired4Drama · 9/14/2025 11:17 am

"He said he talked to SD…not scolding, but very strongly confronting her about her behavior, talking to her about the feelings of Unwanted, and also acknowledging the stress SD is obviously under. He’s never been so confrontational with her and said he plans on talking with her more about it today. Not that it will do any good, unfortunately."

I hate to be suspicious, but after this incident I have a feeling SD is going to portray herself as the victim. Probably with big fat tears and quivering lips. How she is overwhelmed, how she is burnt out, how she needs "daddy" to understand how difficult her life is. How any "normal" person would act the same way as she did...blah blah blah. "Don't you see how hard my life is, Daddy?" Wah wah wah

In other words, deflect any criticism and refuse to take responsibility. I hope for your sake, Morning, that your DH doesn't fall for this latest trap. Especially since there is a minor child here (Unwanted) who is being verbally abused. I hope he holds his ground and takes SD to task.

Keep us updated!

MorningMia · 9/14/2025 11:20 am

Meera wrote:
"Through the years, DH slowly began to admit truths about his kids and began complaining about them himself."

Same. What I came to realize is that if *I* join in complaining then all of a sudden DH will allow ME to carry the burden of being mad at them and act like his side is lily white. He did this when I became mad at BM's nasty tactics and he will do it with the diablas.

It's great that you are able to speak calmly to your husband and he is able to hear it. We're not really at that point yet.

I'm sick of being the one that is mad on his behalf. Now when he's angry with them I let him be the angry one. I want no part of it. I don't even like listening to it anymore. I may ask a couple of open-ended questions but I no longer state my thoughts.

... I didn't say a word in response. I don't even want to hear about it. I refuse to be a part of these exchanges. I have had enough of SD being a snotty overgrown brat in response to DH accommodating her stupidity.

I completely get this. I am one of those people (like you, it seems) who naturally gets very indignant and protective when someone I care about is being mistreated. I KNOW I get this from my mother. And I have to control it. You've made such a good point, as part of DH and I getting to where we are is that I recognized that if he wanted to be treated like $hit, that was on him. My "real" job was to protect myself. Because I was tired of getting beat up for trying to protect him.

After his "cracked veneer" visit, he said, "There is a lot more, but I'm not going to tell you because it will make you very mad." THANK YOU.

Rags · 9/14/2025 2:03 pm

MorningMia wrote:
Meera wrote:
"Through the years, DH slowly began to admit truths about his kids and began complaining about them himself."

Same. What I came to realize is that if *I* join in complaining then all of a sudden DH will allow ME to carry the burden of being mad at them and act like his side is lily white. He did this when I became mad at BM's nasty tactics and he will do it with the diablas.

It's great that you are able to speak calmly to your husband and he is able to hear it. We're not really at that point yet.

I'm sick of being the one that is mad on his behalf. Now when he's angry with them I let him be the angry one. I want no part of it. I don't even like listening to it anymore. I may ask a couple of open-ended questions but I no longer state my thoughts.

... I didn't say a word in response. I don't even want to hear about it. I refuse to be a part of these exchanges. I have had enough of SD being a snotty overgrown brat in response to DH accommodating her stupidity.
I completely get this. I am one of those people (like you, it seems) who naturally gets very indignant and protective when someone I care about is being mistreated. I KNOW I get this from my mother. And I have to control it. You've made such a good point, as part of DH and I getting to where we are is that I recognized that if he wanted to be treated like $hit, that was on him. My "real" job was to protect myself. Because I was tired of getting beat up for trying to protect him.

After his "cracked veneer" visit, he said, "There is a lot more, but I'm not going to tell you because it will make you very mad." THANK YOU.

I really don't mad, I get irritated. At that point I think my not so evolved emotional intelligence adopts the "Don't get mad, get even!" position. They wanna play games, they can FAFO and I make sure they FO. If they never find out, they will never learn.

It has always baffled me the number of people who are incapable of learning from their own experiences. The number of people who can learn from the experiences of others is nearly zero. I consider myself fortunate to be capable of both. Though certainly some things I have jad to experience more than once before the lesson takes hold.

MorningMia · 9/15/2025 10:41 am

"I really don't mad, I get irritated. At that point I think my not so evolved emotional intelligence adopts the "Don't get mad, get even!" position. They wanna play games, they can FAFO and I make sure they FO. If they never find out, they will never learn.

It has always baffled me the number of people who are incapable of learning from their own experiences. The number of people who can learn from the experiences of others is nearly zero. I consider myself fortunate to be capable of both. Though certainly some things I have jad to experience more than once before the lesson takes hold.
"
----------------------------------------------
I wasn't clear: DH didn't mean that he was treated poorly and that would make me mad; he meant that more drama had occurred in SD's household that he chose not to share with me because it would have made me mad (probably about the treatment of Unwanted, son-in-law's behavior, or just the usual BS).

Rags · 9/15/2025 12:53 pm

MorningMia wrote:
u
----------------------------------------------
I wasn't clear: DH didn't mean that he was treated poorly and that would make me mad; he meant that more drama had occurred in SD's household that he chose not to share with me because it would have made me mad (probably about the treatment of Unwanted, son-in-law's behavior, or just the usual BS).

I understand. I would be interested to hear what DH said to his SD about those incidents. That would entail knowing what the incidents were. Even if he does not mention the specifics of the comprehensive visit experience with you, he still brings it home and it does impact you.

I know our model is not right for everyone. We partner on and discuss everything. When we do not agree, we evolve to that point of understanding and one or the other of us takes the step to say that while "I suggest X, I understand that is not what you want to do. I will support your decision though I do not agree with it."

Or something like that.

If we do not know what is wrong, we cannot contribute to resolving or addressing it.

For me, though I certainly recognize the difficulty of situations and the discomfort someone may experience because of it, these things are easy for me to cogitate. Mainly because I am fortunate enough to not have had too much of these types of things to have dealt with.

Take care of you.

Meera · 9/15/2025 9:44 pm

Mia,

Yes, I too have a strong Mother bear/protection instinct and in the moment, I have very little fear. Like you, I have learned that there are some situations where I need to regulate this instinct.

" I recognized that if he wanted to be treated like $hit, that was on him. My "real" job was to protect myself. Because I was tired of getting beat up for trying to protect him."

Reading your comments like the one above have been SO helpful in opening my eyes to reality. Thank-you so much for expressing it so clearly. Protecting myself has become my #1 priority. It has to be because my health was suffering. I have SUCH better things to do than get enmeshed in SDiabla drama.

There are some things that have been beyond DH"s control and I have sympathy for that but there are also a lot of problems because DH keeps digging his own holes. If he wants to get out then HE has to stop digging. It's not my job to do that for him.

MorningMia · 9/17/2025 6:01 am

Meera wrote:
Mia,

Yes, I too have a strong Mother bear/protection instinct and in the moment, I have very little fear. Like you, I have learned that there are some situations where I need to regulate this instinct.

" I recognized that if he wanted to be treated like $hit, that was on him. My "real" job was to protect myself. Because I was tired of getting beat up for trying to protect him."

Reading your comments like the one above have been SO helpful in opening my eyes to reality. Thank-you so much for expressing it so clearly. Protecting myself has become my #1 priority. It has to be because my health was suffering. I have SUCH better things to do than get enmeshed in SDiabla drama.

There are some things that have been beyond DH"s control and I have sympathy for that but there are also a lot of problems because DH keeps digging his own holes. If he wants to get out then HE has to stop digging. It's not my job to do that for him.

MorningMia · 9/17/2025 6:03 am

Rags wrote:
MorningMia wrote:
u
----------------------------------------------
I wasn't clear: DH didn't mean that he was treated poorly and that would make me mad; he meant that more drama had occurred in SD's household that he chose not to share with me because it would have made me mad (probably about the treatment of Unwanted, son-in-law's behavior, or just the usual BS).

I understand. I would be interested to hear what DH said to his SD about those incidents. That would entail knowing what the incidents were. Even if he does not mention the specifics of the comprehensive visit experience with you, he still brings it home and it does impact you.

I know our model is not right for everyone. We partner on and discuss everything. When we do not agree, we evolve to that point of understanding and one or the other of us takes the step to say that while "I suggest X, I understand that is not what you want to do. I will support your decision though I do not agree with it."

Or something like that.

If we do not know what is wrong, we cannot contribute to resolving or addressing it.

For me, though I certainly recognize the difficulty of situations and the discomfort someone may experience because of it, these things are easy for me to cogitate. Mainly because I am fortunate enough to not have had too much of these types of things to have dealt with.

Take care of you.

DH has told me what he has said to SD about what's going on down there. He was very confrontational (without anger). SD, as usual, stays silent, likely wishing she had never revealed the truth through her/their behavior. She'll probably be all buttoned up, lips zipped, next time he visits. It's how she was trained by her dear mother growing up.

Rags · 9/18/2025 5:28 pm

Merry wrote:
Oh yeah, my DH lived at Camp Denial too, even before I met him. SD just stepped it up when I was on the scene.

It’s hard to face the truth. He does recognize her cruelty and selfishness now that she’s directed it toward him. Before that I was exaggerating, misunderstood whatever she said or did, was too impatient, didn’t acknowledge that she was trying SO HARD to get to know me. There was always an excuse or an explanation.

I’m sorry my DH is hurting now, I really am. That doesn’t repair the damage that was done though.

Is is an absolute truth that people are not pleased when we stop people pleasing. If we never start people pleasing, they have to face reality. We do them a favor by forcing them in front of that mirror and when we do not fall into the realm of people pleasing.

Great job keeping the mirror in front of everyone.