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1 of 1- Kes
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Do you tell people the truth about themselves?
....even if it may be difficult to hear? I realise the truth is not always a fixed mark - it may be slightly, or very different for each person. The reason I ask is that SD31 got dumped a month ago by her current boyfriend whom she'd been seeing for a year or so. I think she was just too much for him - he even told her that, in a way. His father died a couple of months ago and he didn't have the emotional bandwidth for SD31 and her constant crises.
I don't see her any more since 2022, but DH went down to visit her a fortnight ago, and she is in a bad way, apparently. She kept saying to him "why do men keep dumping me?" (this is the 3rd in 6 years) and of course he didn't tell her. I think I would have tried to find a way to tell her she is an extremely high maintenance person, and it would be worthwhile toning it down somewhat.
She is never on the phone to DH for less than an hour, often much more, and he comes off those calls absolutely exhausted.
- Aniki-Moderator
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Re: Do you tell people the truth about themselves?
I tell the truth when asked. While I doubt it's the case here, DH could suggest that her 'picker' is broken...
- advice.only2
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Re: Do you tell people the truth about themselves?
Even if he dropped her a truth bomb or two she would have to believe it as being the truth. Most peoples perceptions of themselves is that they are not a bad person, but that they just chose the wrong person.
- Kes
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Re: Do you tell people the truth about themselves?
I think suggesting her picker is broken or that she chose the wrong person is OK but ignores the fact that SD's own behaviour contributes a lot to the relationships all going south. Most relationships fail due to one or both partners not being able to see themselves clearly and not being able to negotiate and compromise within the relationship in order to get it back on track. SD31 has almost nil ability to do this.
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Thread Starter- Aniki-Moderator
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Re: Do you tell people the truth about themselves?
Kes, I doubt she will see her behavior as the issue. She doesn't seem to be (or want to be) self-aware.
- Merry
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Re: Do you tell people the truth about themselves?
I do tell DH, if he asks or if he’s about to embarrass himself (or me). Happens rarely but he’s receptive.
My daughter, if she asked and was ready to hear hard truths.
It happens in the workplace occasionally when a staff member needs some redirection or coaching or firing.
There is no way I’d step into anything like this for SS or SD, even if they sincerely asked (and they never, ever would). Words would be twisted no matter how kind and gentle the discussion. “Why do you hate my kids?” would surely be the end result no matter the intent.
- Kes
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Re: Do you tell people the truth about themselves?
Aniki - she only wants to be aware of how people have let her down - the biggest thing being that DH "abandoned" her when she was 7. I understand it was traumatic for her when he left BM, but he certainly didn't abandon her - he was still participating in her upbringing.
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Thread Starter- Kes
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Re: Do you tell people the truth about themselves?
Merry wrote:
I do tell DH, if he asks or if he’s about to embarrass himself (or me). Happens rarely but he’s receptive.
My daughter, if she asked and was ready to hear hard truths.
It happens in the workplace occasionally when a staff member needs some redirection or coaching or firing.
There is no way I’d step into anything like this for SS or SD, even if they sincerely asked (and they never, ever would). Words would be twisted no matter how kind and gentle the discussion. “Why do you hate my kids?” would surely be the end result no matter the intent.
Merry I agree with you on this point. SD31 is hypersensitive to anything resembling criticism and I certainly would never criticise her to her face! Feedback of any kind is just not wanted and would be miscontrued.
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Thread Starter- ESMOD
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Re: Do you tell people the truth about themselves?
Unfortunately, it rarely goes well to tell people those kinds of truths. Also, the reality is that her level of high maintenance, may not have had anything to do with the breakups anyway... the only people that could really shed light on that is the guys she picks.. and she could actually be picking really poor choices too. I didn't end up with a keeper until I ended up letting someone else pick a guy that I would probably not have chosen for myself. Even when we think that the new person is not like the old person... I found that in the end.. I was picking the wrong types for me..
Helpful advice from dad could be to have her find a good therapist to work through the breakup and to maybe help her figure out where things have tended to go wrong.
but in the end... someone asking "why does this always happen to me"... often doesn't really want to hear that they are the common denominator.. and someone trying to deliver that message is likely to end up on the receiving end of a lot of misdirected anger.