Step Chat - a safe place where stepparents can vent » Need Advice on Whether or Not to Contact Adult Former Stepson

CountryStepmom501 · 9/07/2025 1:37 pm

Hi everyone. I will try to keep this as short as possible. So I divorced a very dangerous man in February 2025. I strongly suspect that he has Antisocial Personality Disorder or something like it. He ticks a lot of the boxes. We began dating in 2013, and we married in 2016. I was his second wife. When we met, his son was six years old. This young man is turning 19 this year (time flies.)

So I didn't realize what his dad was for a very long time. To make a long story short, my ex constantly lied to me, gaslit me, future faked, etc. Then, I found out that he was engaging in illegal activity. I filed for divorce.

I love my former stepson. Unfortunately, he began acting out a lot at a young age, getting in trouble, etc. He was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder when he was around 15 years old. It didn't help that his father and I were in almost constant arguments when my stepson was around us and when he wasn't around us. I became a very angry woman. During the last few years of my so-called marriage, I was angry almost every day. I didn't realize that I was engaging in reactive abuse.

So I kicked my ex out of the home in 2024 after discovering his double-life. My ex became closer and closer to his son. Throughout my separation, I realized that my former stepson had been lying to me about a lot of things too. For example, my ex and stepson claimed that they had been going to the gym to workout. During my separation, I found out that neither of them had ever used our family gym membership!

In November 2024, I took my stepson out for dinner, and I apologized to him for being so moody when he would come to visit. I apologized for the chaos of the divorce, etc. He said this was okay, but he was kind of distant. Not surprising. I mailed him a Christmas gift in December 2024. He received the package, but he never thanked me.

So now it's Sept. 2025. My ex and I have been divorced for seven months. I have moved out of state, because I was quite afraid of my ex. My former stepson has not reached out to me at all. I miss him, and I feel really bad about not talking to him. I don't know if he believes the lies from his father or what.

Do you think that I should resume contact with my former stepson? I know this is long. Thank you for reading.

CountryStepmom501 · 9/07/2025 2:07 pm

Can you elaborate? Thanks for your reply.

Aniki-Moderator · 9/07/2025 4:22 pm

NO. He has not reached out to you. You are no longer married to his father. Maybe he doesn't miss you. Maybe he prefers the past to stay in the past. Maybe he would feel disloyal to his father.

Also, contact with former stepson opens you up to contact with the exh. Why would you want to risk that when you're afraid of him? It could put former SS at risk. And SS might be like his father or even worse.

If you are having issues moving on or closing the door on your past, ask yourself why that is. Counseling might be helpful.

StandingStrong · 9/07/2025 5:14 pm

A big NO from me. Aniki has given you multiple reasons as to why. The fact you had dinner with him and he was distant, then never sending a "thank you" or acknowledgement of a Christmas gift tell you everything you need to know.

Personally, with what you shared, I would not want him back in my life. His diagnosis along with his father's impact on him should also scare you. Let sleeping dogs lie....go on with your life.

ESMOD · 9/08/2025 7:58 am

No,
Your former Skid is an adult.. with his own issues.. he has shown that he is not interested in connecting.

No..
Even if you feel some guilt for participating in a toxic environment at the home.. does not mean you owe anyone any more than the apology you already gave to the kid.

No.
Dad is dangerous... you need to cut all ties with his associations.

CountryStepmom501 · 9/08/2025 11:32 am

Thank you everyone for your insightful comments to my post. I really appreciate it. This has been a tough time, but I'm trying my best to grow from all of this. I will not reach out to my former stepson. You guys are right. Thank you.

Aniki-Moderator · 9/08/2025 12:21 pm

CountryStepmom501 wrote:
Thank you everyone for your insightful comments to my post. I really appreciate it. This has been a tough time, but I'm trying my best to grow from all of this. I will not reach out to my former stepson. You guys are right. Thank you.

This was 10+ years of your life and your ex did his best to mess with your head. It's easy to second guess and overthink the situation. Thankfully, you escaped!

Oldfool · 9/08/2025 2:25 pm

DO NOT KEEP IN CONTACT. You may not know if the stepson has inherited any of the father's traits. Be glad that you got away alive.....

To be quite honest if my partner and I split I would go no contact with his adult kids in the UK due to their past behaviour ......

Last edited by Oldfool (9/08/2025 2:28 pm)

Tryingjusttrying · 9/08/2025 2:52 pm

I'm not quite sure why you would want to stay in a relationship with someone who lies to you and also doesn't even thank you for the gift you sent. Maybe it's just an excuse I use not to form a bond with my SS, but without trust, I just don't see how I can have a genuine relationship with him.

BanksiaRose · 9/09/2025 7:32 am

Oppositional defiant disorder, where these behaviours persist, becomes antisocial personality disorder after 18 due to ODD being a childhood diagnosis.
Looks like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. ASPD is characterised by complete absence of empathy, persistent trouble with the law, seeing other humans as means to an end and all relationships as transactional. Why would you invite that into your life?

CountryStepmom501 · 9/10/2025 2:20 pm

Thank you for the additional comments. I really tried my best to be a good stepmom, but I just feel all of this guilt. Like I said before, I became this very angry and sad woman. My ex made me feel like I was just mean, a terrible stepmom and that I was just crazy. After finding out about the horrible things that he was doing, I finally realized that I was dealing with a very manipulative and terrible man. I have just wanted to believe that his son is not like him. But the reality is that my former stepson does have a lot of his traits. I feel guilty that I didn't leave his dad sooner, and I feel bad for contributing to the angry environment. I just hope that I didn't cause my stepson to have the issues that he has.

Aniki-Moderator · 9/10/2025 2:53 pm

CountryStepmom501 wrote:
I really tried my best to be a good stepmom, but I just feel all of this guilt. Like I said before, I became this very angry and sad woman. My ex made me feel like I was just mean, a terrible stepmom and that I was just crazy.

The mean, horrible, crazy person is your ex. Thank goodness you left him.

CountryStepmom501 · 9/11/2025 9:34 am

It's going to probably take a long time for me to process all of this mess and become whole again. I'm working with a great therapist. I'm so thankful for this forum.

Aniki-Moderator · 9/11/2025 9:47 am

CountryStepmom501 wrote:
It's going to probably take a long time for me to process all of this mess and become whole again. I'm working with a great therapist. I'm so thankful for this forum.

The right therapist can be a blessing. While I'd like to think I'd've been able to muddle through without one, I know that my wonderful therapist (she earned her retirement!) helped me get through it much faster. I was able to vent to someone freely with no pity or judgment. She didn't gossip to anyone behind my back. She had my back. We've got yours.

ESMOD · 9/11/2025 11:15 am

CountryStepmom501 wrote:
Thank you for the additional comments. I really tried my best to be a good stepmom, but I just feel all of this guilt. Like I said before, I became this very angry and sad woman. My ex made me feel like I was just mean, a terrible stepmom and that I was just crazy. After finding out about the horrible things that he was doing, I finally realized that I was dealing with a very manipulative and terrible man. I have just wanted to believe that his son is not like him. But the reality is that my former stepson does have a lot of his traits. I feel guilty that I didn't leave his dad sooner, and I feel bad for contributing to the angry environment. I just hope that I didn't cause my stepson to have the issues that he has.

The drivers for your ex SS to have the issues he has likely land squarely on his father's shoulders. Even if you participated in some toxicity of the relationship.. again...it was his father's obligation to protect him from that.. so dad should have left you if you were so "horrible" (which you likely were not).

In the end, he is an adult.. he will need to go on his own self healing journey.. as you must do for yourself. You don't owe him any more than you have done at this point. keeping a tie to an abusive and dangerous ex is self sabotage. you need to move past this.

Thinkthrice · 10/19/2025 7:09 pm

Buh bye! These two sound dangerous. They are in your rear view mirror--keep it that way.

CountryStepmom501 · 11/10/2025 1:23 pm

Just a follow-up. Thanks everybody for your responses to my original post. I really appreciate it. My ex-stepson's birthday was at the end of October, and I did not contact him. I felt bad at first, but I remembered back to when he used to lie to me a lot, just like his father. My ex-stepson also didn't contact me on my birthday back in September, so I'm just going to completely let go of him in the same way that I let go of this father.