It's financial.  SD either overtly or implied financial distress and the poor little children's faces imprinted it on him.  And, your DH, like mine, implied that you were holding him back from helping her.

Last edited by JRI (9/13/2026 12:21 pm)

My DH isn't strong and/or realistic enough to tell our SD "I don't want to hear your never-ending problems that are mostly your own fault", or "I'm tired of giving you money that you'll waste anyway", or "I don't really want to talk to you or see you, no offense".  So, it's more convenient to use me as a shield or an excuse.  It's especially useful now that I'm handling all finances due to his oncoming dementia.  The unspoken message is "I'd give you plenty of $ to solve all your problems, SD, except SHE won't let me".

ESMOD wrote:

Stage 6... I guess is the stage where he has to figure out where HE wants to be in all of this.

Stage 5 was mostly for "you"... you were done.. the boundary that they don't come in the home.. perfectly reasonable. IMHO.. but he wasn't "done" with his child.. hence the current visits.

So stage 6 is where he lives in the current reality.. but may not always LIKE it.  And like people who are forced to accept something they may not necessarily like.. or be comfortable with.. they can be mad at the person who set those boundaries.  He is mad at the situation.. he likely wishes he could make everyone happy.. that you would accept his kid.. but he does know that you can't.. for pretty good reason.. but that still doesn't make him happy with the situation.  Like a lot of people.. he gets mad at you.. because he doesn't want to take ownership of things that brought you to this point.

This above in bold. What is very strange is that he was at a place where he was ok with seeing his kids once or twice a year, almost as if out of some sense of obligation. Never even seemed to enjoy the visits. Then after the visit before this one, he said that was his last one. He KNOWS his kids do not respect him. His son-in-law is cold to him. His daughter's in-laws are nearby and act like jerks. Then there is BM.

He knows the skids do not acknowledge his existence publicly (I  mean, that one in itself would do me in). To continue with this, in my view, is groveling. To grovel to them AND get mad at me is insane--and going not one, two, or three steps back, but about 20. He honestly hasn't fully been himself since he returned from that last trip. It's as if some crisis occurred, some jarring incident. He has seemed eerily out of it. Unless he had some sort of nervous breakdown that happened to coincide with visiting his daughter. WTH. 

Me? I'm going away next weekend. Without him. 


 

"Are we nuts for ever thinking (or hoping) that things remain the same, that we get to a place of being settled with all the step crap and it will stay that way?"

I think the short answer is YES, we are nuts for thinking/hoping things will stay settled. There is always a new curve ball just around the corner from the step-nuttiness. 

You can disengage up to wazoo but given the opportunity they will throw dirt in your face every time and try to get "revenge" for being in the way of their fantasy happy family.  

I have been thinking lately that ideally we need to be prepared for anything. I need to be separate, independent and fully self-sufficient. It's a worthy goal. I want to be with DH but I do not want to be intertwined with drama that SDiabla's whip up, or that DH enables, in any way.

Now that my own BK's are grown I have the time, freedom and energy to do my own thing and I don't have to worry about uprooting my BK's lives.

Life is too short and I don't want to worry another second about SD BS. My goal is to put 100% of my energy into becoming fully independent and 0% into step drama. That way if DH falls over the metaphorical step diabla cliff I'm not holding the other end of the rope only to get pulled over with him. 

Meera wrote:

"Are we nuts for ever thinking (or hoping) that things remain the same, that we get to a place of being settled with all the step crap and it will stay that way?"

I think the short answer is YES, we are nuts for thinking/hoping things will stay settled. There is always a new curve ball just around the corner from the step-nuttiness. 

You can disengage up to wazoo but given the opportunity they will throw dirt in your face every time and try to get "revenge" for being in the way of their fantasy happy family.  

I have been thinking lately that ideally we need to be prepared for anything. I need to be separate, independent and fully self-sufficient. It's a worthy goal. I want to be with DH but I do not want to be intertwined with drama that SDiabla's whip up, or that DH enables, in any way.

Now that my own BK's are grown I have the time, freedom and energy to do my own thing and I don't have to worry about uprooting my BK's lives.

Life is too short and I don't want to worry another second about SD BS. My goal is to put 100% of my energy into becoming fully independent and 0% into step drama. That way if DH falls over the metaphorical step diabla cliff I'm not holding the other end of the rope only to get pulled over with him. 

Things have gotten better here over the past few weeks, but I have never learned what had come over DH, and that is unusual. I also just don't feel like digging. I'm tired. I thought we were fully over the step-crap after that last round three years ago. It almost feels to me that he is suddenly living two separate lives--one with grown kids he has generally been pretty distant from (but seems to be talking to a lot more since that visit); and one with me. I'm wondering if it's an aging thing. Or, well, yea, being a willing victim of manipulation. 

EITHER WAY, reading your response almost had me crying . . . not from sadness, but from feeling the same way and knowing that other people get it, from feeling understood. I have felt some guilt in ensuring that I have my finances together in such a way that I could be fully independent at any time if need be. I am leading the way in our household regarding scaling down on things (for this and other reasons). I have really thought about this. I do not feel guilt over focusing on things I want to focus on, things that are fulfilling to me, my passions. 

I have always been very clear about never trying to hold DH back from his kids. The boundaries I set I needed to set to protect myself--and those boundaries had to do with hostile people in our home. But there are times now--just lately--when I think how weird it is that he is ok with the enemy. . . not an enemy I created, but people who made me the enemy.   


 

Last edited by MorningMia (Today 12:48 am)