Just hope it doesn't get so bad they ship him to you.  That's how we got SD64.

CastleJJ wrote:

We have had very little contact with SS14 since he left in June following his summer visitation. DH has also had little contact with BM since then. In the last two weeks, BM has contacted DH several times to report issues that are happening with SS.

If you have followed me since the early days, you might recall that BM had SS diagnosed with ADHD when he was 6. BM was obsessed with having him labeled as "gifted" and when he missed the gifted program criteria in school, BM immediately notified us that she took SS to the pediatrician and he was diagnosed with ADHD - no testing, no evaluation, nothing; just 5 minutes at a well-visit and boom, SS had a diagnosis. This created major tension between DH and BM because DH didn't (and still doesn't) believe SS has ADHD. For context, DH has ADHD and SS has zero symptoms. DH always assumed, due to BM's narcissistic tendencies, having SS labeled as ADHD gave her an excuse for why he wasn't labeled as "gifted" while still giving BM the attention she wanted. Over the years, we only heard about SS' ADHD during gifted testing windows and annual mandated state testing, but never again outside of that and BM never medicated SS for ADHD. SS managed to lead a normal childhood and maintain straight As without issue, despite receiving no treatment for his supposed ADHD.

Two weeks ago, BM emailed DH and notified him that they have been having behavioral issues with SS. BM said that SS is struggling in high school, especially socially. She also mentioned that SS is starting to struggle academically as well, dipping below his straight A record. BM said they are also having issues with SS obsessing over his phone, obsessing over Xbox, and consuming insane amounts of sugar. He is sneaking food items and they have found wrappers flushed down the toilet and hidden in the showers. BM said that SS spent over $100 in lunch money credit in two weeks and the ledger shows pop, cookies, ice cream, etc., sometimes up to 5 per day. BM is blaming all of this on SS' ADHD. BM reported that she took SS to the doctor and they prescribed medication for SS' ADHD and will continue to monitor/adjust the medication until they find the right fit.

Now because I am disengaged, I have very little care about SS being on medication or the issues BM and GF are having with SS in their home. In my opinion, SS still doesn't have ADHD. I believe his social issues have nothing to do with ADHD and everything to do with him being a pretentious arsehole. What was socially acceptable in middle school (goofing off, being rude, pulling pranks, being entitled, etc.) isn't acceptable in high school and I think his friends are outgrowing him. Academically, SS is still doing great, however, I think this is the first time school has ever challenged him. Before, all classwork came easy to him and he never had to study to obtain straight As. Now, he is in several AP classes and I think he is finally being challenged and actually has to put in effort, which is why SS now reports he hates school (because SS is immune to hard work). His grades are still As but they aren't 100%s or above, so I think BM is panicking that he is "struggling." As far as the obsessing over screens and the food issues, I blame that on poor parenting. BM and GF have allowed tech to parent SS - GPS tracking watches, automatic time limits, parental controls, etc. BM and GF do not parent by setting expectations and having hard conversations or disciplining, they just let "big brother" do the job. Well, because SS is also allowed to run the neighborhood and a major city on his bike at all hours, I'm sure he is being exposed to a lot (but don't worry, BM and GF can track him). SS has told us about the food he buys from the grocery store or gas station while out riding his bike, SS has told us the dumb stuff he has done while out with friends, and I'm sure BM and GF don't know any of it.

SS was here for Labor Day weekend. Before he arrived, we hid all soda and high sugar foods. It didn't matter. SS was here for 2.5 days - SS consumed 8 prepackaged bags of teddy grahams that we buy for DD4's snacks, 18 gatorades, and 4 dried fruit packages (again DD's snacks). We couldn't find wrappers, and we can't guarantee that is all he binged, but he didn't consume these items in front of us. We figured it out when we ran out of these items (which I had just restocked before he arrived) and did the math of how many DH, DD, and I consumed and realized the vast quantity that was missing. DH is assuming that SS came upstairs after everyone went to bed and raided the fridge and pantry with anything he could get his hands on that were "sweet," which was limited since we purged everything before he arrived. We still don't know how he disposed of the wrappers and empty bottles. I told DH that I wouldn't be surprised if SS attempted to eat chocolate chips out of the bag to get his fix.

SS also had issues here with Xbox and his phone. SS would jump up within a second, every time his phone dinged. DH called him out once, asking "where's the fire?" and SS turned red with embarrassment. SS was always looking for a reason to be on his phone, which was useless because the time controls on it are so strict, it leaves the phone essentially unusable except to text BM and GF. DH limited SS' Xbox access over the weekend. One of the days, DH noticed SS playing on DH's account instead of his own. When DH asked about it, SS said "BM doesn't let me play on x days, and she has lockouts set up on my account, so playing on your account is a workaround." DH immediately kicked him off Xbox.

When the time came for SS to leave, I was practically shoving him out the door. SS took his medication all weekend and reported zero difference (which would make sense if he doesn't have ADHD). DH emailed BM and informed her of the issues we had over the weekend, with screen time and food, and she responded that she hopes the right medication will turn all this around.

We have a charging station at our house where all devices charge. There was one night I disconnected the charger from SS' phone to plug in DD's tablet. A text from GF flashed on the home screen. In the GF, BM, SS group text, GF was arguing with BM about how to pick the perfect fruit. GF literally googled it, attached the picture, then said "How does it feel to be wrong all the time. You and SS should really try harder." Mind you, this was over fruit. I can't imagine being in constant competition with my spouse or kids/skids, and it also further affirms why SS is the way he is.

This might be the karma we have been waiting for. After years of PAS, toxicity, and watching BM and GF "win" constantly, this may be their demise. SS is a product of their parenting and he is slowly showing just how terrible that parenting is. I mean hell, DH had to monitor SS like a hawk for those two days and it was exhausting, I can't imagine having to deal with him full time. Luckily, we don't have to.

Oh and SS told us about BM and GF and their baby. Sounds like that is also causing huge disagreements in their household. GF has always been the helicopter parent and BM the passive, pawn off parent. We knew this with how co-parenting went with SS - GF did everything, GF wanted to be MOM, BM did nothing, but BM wanted control. Well now, GF is helicoptering the hell out of their baby. I guess GF went back to work after maternity leave ended and after only a few weeks, she pulled the baby from daycare (the same daycare SS went to for 7 years). According to SS, the baby got sick and GF felt it was neglect and immediately disenrolled him. She hired a full-time nanny (which SS said is costing them $25-30 per hour), and is now fighting BM about when he will return to daycare. BM wants him in daycare and doesn't want to deal with the cost of the nanny, GF refuses to re-enroll him. I guess whenever things get tense, GF reminds BM that the baby is "her son," since she is the one who carried him and is biologically the parent (ouch). SS said the current compromise is to reevaluate daycare at age 1 (which is still 8 months from now). Again, karma.

DH, DDs (4 and 11 months), and I are traveling for two weeks coming up at the end of the month. We are excitedly preparing for our trip and some quality family time, and to not be dealing with SS. SS will return again at Thanksgiving and New Years, but those are short visits and who knows, maybe sport commitments will happen and we can forfeit the time to "encourage SS' athletic pursuits."

🤣 bloody love karma!

Do you think that as GF gets more wrapped in her baby that she will have less interest in SS?  Especially as he gets into the prickly teen years.

Is it weird that this jumped out at me most of all: 

"How does it feel to be wrong all the time?"  WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT TO ANOTHER PERSON?! 

(There were strong indications of SD binging during adolescence but no adults around her faced it head-on; in fact, BM's behavior fed into it. I believe. As an adult, SD's weight fluctuates frequently and rapidly between, I'd guess, 30 - 50 pounds. It's unhealthy and has got to be a terrible psychological weight. I hate what some adults do to kids.) 

Enjoy your upcoming travels and keep on doing what you so skillfully do! 

I think she'll want to offload him, too.  The teen years are "challenging" and they have the new baby.  I predict your DH will be seriously torn.  Good dads have a hard time turning down a troubled child.