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September fun facts
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1 of 1- Merry
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Me Me Me: DH version
DH and I are traveling, no skids involved Hallelujah. He told me, as we were having coffee at the airport waiting for our flight out, that he was dreading the trip. After a year of planning and a financial hit to the household. WTF?
Quick background: we’d had something more exotic planned with my brother (DH gets along fine with my family) but changed itinerary to a domestic trip to accommodate his wife, who has recently completed treatment for leukemia and is now in full remission but still getting strength back. So, celebration!
Yesterday I got my haircut here in a different city. DH decides he hates the cut, hates the stylist, hates the city (my Dad’s hometown so a bit nostalgic for me), hates the food, other complaints. Again, WTF.
So I ask him what his problem is. He goes on and on about disappointment in the trip, change of plans (that he easily agreed to a year ago), some other stupid things that nobody can do anything about.
THEN he says, “It’s like all the times I made you go to Skidville.” Uh, NO, DH. Nobody MADE you go. There is no shunning, no miniwife, no money grabs, no orders being issued. No insider stories and secret expectations. The people we are with WANT to be with both of us. There is conversation and laughter. ZERO similarity other than being away from home.
I’m so damn irritated with him. I think he has never really had any recognition of his kids’ behavior toward me. He’s a big selfish baby with no introspection in sight. He’s acting just like his kids when they don’t get their way. This Me Me Me focus is so unusual and I don’t know what to do with it.
What would happen if I accidentally lost track of him in a strange (to him) city?
- notarelative
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Re: Me Me Me: DH version
Not so DH — when we get to the airport, you can book yourself a ticket home, and use it, if the trip you agreed to is not to your liking.
- Merry
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Re: Me Me Me: DH version
I gave him the “go home” option but he didn’t want to do that either. Big man baby.
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Thread Starter- JRI
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Re: Me Me Me: DH version
They love to complain and whine. When DH89 obsesses over a small medical issue and won't follow sensible guidelines but continues to whine, I ask him, "Do you want to heal or do you just want pity?". I have a feeling pity wins.
- MorningMia
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Re: Me Me Me: DH version
Whoa, yes, back to that bizarre discomfort (putting it lightly?) over the fact that OUR families treat OUR spouses with decency, acceptance, and kindness (and they wanted to do that with his skids, too, but weren't allowed). I've also wondered if my DH (and I wonder this about yours, too, of course) feels he is somehow betraying his precious offspring by considering others "family" as well, by enjoying himself with other people. Funny thing is so many of these skids are those doing the betraying, among other things.
Does any of this sound familiar to you:
Early in our marriage, the skids (prompted by their mother, I know) laid a boatload of Daddy-guilt on DH. It seemed to come out of the blue (well, it was within months of our wedding, so maybe not). Their complaints ranged from watching OTHER KIDS do things with their dads to feeling abandoned and demanding to know why DH left (he wasn't the one who left; he moved after BM moved the kids to another state with her boyfriend). DH was also supposed to "love Mom forever" (gotta especially love that one). It went on. He tried hard to combat the misgivings/misunderstandings/outright lies/brainwashing (take your pick) in a compassionate way, but he did get frustrated because no matter what he said, it was never ok. The demands to get their dad back to the way they wanted him continued (SS, a good 10 years into our marriage, brought a lot of this up again to DH).
I noted in those days that DH began to sound like Mr. Sad Sack when the skids would call, as if, well, life without them really sucked. Woe is me. Boo hoo. It felt pretty insulting. Luckily, he pulled out of that, but I have sensed that the #DADDYGUILT still lingers, and you know I feel like I have felt the results of that very recently. Do you think that's what at the core of this?
Either way, ENJOY your vacation!
Last edited by MorningMia (Today 7:11 am)
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Merry
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Re: Me Me Me: DH version
JRI, DH isn’t usually a whiner. But I have noticed more and more that when he’s not the center of MY attention then he starts acting out. Like a child. Look at MEEE.
I need to do MORE things without him, not fewer.
Mia, DaddyGuilt is a real thing. He rarely talks about his kids, but now and then it comes out of the blue. Never pleasant memories but always “I wish I would have…” That screams guilt. But it’s intangible. Guilty about WHAT? Just generically taking the responsibility for them being unhappy with him?
To equate his selfishness about this trip to my experiences in Skidville is just wild.
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Thread Starter- JRI
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Re: Me Me Me: DH version
MorningMia, your post about the SKs feeling like he should love BM forever reminded me of something my StepGD said when BM died. She asked what DH had said about BM's death. She had a hopeful, wistful look on her face, I think she was waiting for a sad story. I know she was suffering from grief but I said he hadn't said much and how men just didn't say much bla bla. Truth was he hadn't mentioned BM's name in years and only responded to her death by being concerned about the kids.