I feel for your DH but I think he's making the right decision in saying this is the last time. Sooner or later one has to stop knocking one's head against a brick wall.  We had a similar scenario when the SDs were younger, but they and DH seem to have stepped back from the brink.  They treat him better these days, probably in part because he gave them both deposits to buy flats in London.  But partly, I hope because they see BM and her PASing of them, more clearly.  It's too late for me to repair things with them and I have absolutely no desire to do so.  I am content that DH sees them at their homes and not ours. 

Last edited by Kes (Today 3:35 am)

I am also past the skid drama, but you’re right, it’s never completely gone.

It’s been about 4 years since DH’s sister passed, and that’s the last time DH saw his kids. I look back to the times that DH bragged about the closeness between them. The eternal bond. Their friendship. It was gag worthy at the time but now shows exactly how it worked. They barked orders, DH obeyed.

Eventually I had enough of being invisible or an inconvenience (but my bank account wasn’t) and DH had a decision to make. And it wasn’t “me or them.” It was “treat me like your partner all the time” or I’m out, no do overs.

He talks to SS every few weeks (who is already setting the stage for another job loss—I’m guessing 6 months). And DH exchanges the occasional text with SD. The crumbs he gets are tiny. She will punish him until the day he leaves this earth, and I doubt even then will feel any regret. Her way is Always Right. About what, DH isn’t sure.

He mourns the loss of course. But at this point in our lives we are gathering up all the joy we can. They are just not part of it.

Buffer and.benefactor - that was my role during the SK and in the early step-grankid years. DH wasn't really a planner so I did all the occasions, gifts, etc. I'm not sorry, I can look back and know I gave it the same effort as for my own biis. But, like you all, how great it is to drop the ball. My bios understand and are stepping up more, not expecting the effort from "an old lady". The SKs , especially SD64, seem confused. No birthday checks? ( But I do text "happy birthday" to show I remember). No Christmas celebrations? DD thankfully has taken that off me. SD64 texted bitterly to one of the step-gks how unfair it all is.  So, in other words, I should keep doing, buying, spending as tho they're llittle kids, not people in their 50s and 60s.

Last edited by JRI (Today 9:59 am)

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

"Gathering up all the joy we can. They are just not part of it" - Merry is is exactly where DH and I are. We are having a wonderful golden era - we've decided to have maximum fun and we haven't really stopped after 4 years of doing what we want. We spent a decade+ putting them first, doing their activities, being confined to the same restaurants that they demanded (I am not a fan that we let the SKIDs rule the roost but now we are free.) I bet they think we sit at home pinning for them. I've even laughed that in adult SSs minds I can picture that they think our worlds "fill with color" and motion when they arrive and when they leave everything shuts down including us like toys that need to be wound back up again...as if there is nothing else in our lives but them.
NOT THE CASE. 
@MorningMia, it's good to see your DH come to terms and you are right - I highly doubt your SKIDs have any insight to realize they need to put more than punishment in front of DH's face. My DH still does the run around but every year it gets more limited. SKID loves to dangle GSKIDs and DH does what he can takes the SKID and GSKID to a Resturant pays for everything on the visit but it's shallow, not very deep and interesting. DH has expressed recently how he wants the family back together- I know what that means...we need stepmom back in the fold- she can become the target of everyone's perceived pain and problems and DH can become the hero and everything can restore to the nature tension of things. I know better and since we have intentionally moved far away I don't see any need for me to step back in whatsoever. So they have to face each other without Stepmom buffer and I don't miss these SKID weekends one bit, I barely ask anything about them. Sometimes I even forget GSKID names because I wouldn't even know what they look like. Never have I ever received a photo of GSKIDs. My attitude is this is DH's family, not mine. that also means there's no benefits (from me) later on.

I can't reel off the grandkids' names. Nope. And, yes, geographical distance is a slice of heaven in these situations! 
DH, too, travels there and takes the whole crew out to dinner a few times for--you got it--shallow visits and pretense and a bonus topping of stress. His son-in-law normally doesn't stay around much (except for the dinners). DH says, "I really don't know the guy."  

Funny: I recall being in my early 20s, traveling to see my mom in another state for her birthday, choosing the place, and planning on paying for dinner (although my stepdad insisted on contributing). I remember having my dad and his GF over for dinners when I was in my early 30s--yes, the GF with whom he had a long-term affair when my parents were married. I asked her if her son would be a pallbearer at my dad's funeral. She broke down and cried. Some of us just want our parents to be happy, no matter what mistakes they've made (as long as the mistakes haven't involved abuse of any kind). Others hold on to anger and resentments for a lifetime.