The "boss lady" step-diabla29 stayed with us for 2 (long) weeks. This is a full-grown woman. The very same SD that threw her routine crying tantrum on the lawn last week.
She has a job that pays her enough to be financially independent, thank-god, yet she still has a transient lifestyle and no home of her own. Of course she can always go stay with BM. 

To answer Merry's question, DH tried to calm her down for a few minutes and then ignored the tantrum. Her behavior did seem to throw him off and dampen his high hopes for changed Sdiabla behavior. This was a big improvement on Dh's part, in the past he would have spent hours going round and round with her trying to help her understand. I was super happy that he got to be her target instead of me. That is the beauty of what happens when we as SM's disengage and remove our attention, the SDiablas start taking aim at their own. We are no longer available to be their target.
Her "go to" is that she is a victim and she is confused as to why anyone would be frustrated or angry with her. Catering to her insanity only encourages it. 

Over the years things have evolved. SD's haven't been around enough to understand how our household operates. Of course they think they know everything and so they operate on assumptions that in no way reflect reality.  

For a little history:

When SD's were preteens/teens I would make healthy, tasty breakfast and dinners for our family. We insisted that ALL the children sit together at the table for dinner.

"We just want our Daaaaaaaaaaad." We did allow SD's to have lots and lots of solo time with DH but we did not allow SD's to dictate our lives. We often did events, family trips and vacations together whither they liked it or not. Of course they did everything possible to make these times a miserable experience for everyone. 

Then SD's (mercifully) went off to college. They would return for holidays, I continued to make meals for our family. SD's would frequently criticize, turn up their noses, and complain that they didn't like something or my cooking didn't fit within their ever changing dietary preferences. They did admit privately to DH that I am a very good cook. (former chef actually)

What they fail to realize is that the reason I continued to make dinner for everyone is that, at that time, my children were still children. My children are younger than the diablas and so I continued to cook family meals. Now that my children are grown, I no longer make "family" style dinners.

I taught my BK's to prepare their own meals. They have flown the nest. Now that they are adults they have not only met but in some ways they have surpassed my own kitchen skills. For example, my DD makes a mean pastry. 

The next phase: Once SD's went off to college I quietly dropped the rope. I did not attend their college graduations or anything else.

DH retired and we have tons of time together without SD's around. We no longer ask SD's to share their time with DH with me or anyone else.

I happily waved goodbye as they demand outings with ONLY DH. DH took on the full burden of keeping his grown-demanding diablas happy. The diablas are slow learners and I think it took them about 5-10 years to realize that the old game of exclusion no longer causes any drama. They get 100% of DH's time without me joining them. It has also been eye-opening for DH. Dealing with the diablas makes him quite weary. They can no longer point the finger at me as to why they act the way they do.

As a side note, SD's were also super weird during the covid years acting as if DH and I were infectious pariah's even though we got vaccinated and did all the things. They held up BM as the better parent which was fine by me. I was happy they didn't come around as often. 

Fast forward, they decided to come test the waters, one after the other. I laid down a relevant and reasonable boundary with each of them. OSD is not to touch my things without permission and YSD is not to boss me around in my house. This kept them away for about a year.

YSD came back again first. She didn't like the boundaries so she has left for a temp work/housing situation.

OSD was here for 2 weeks. She finally stayed around and observed enough that I think she is beginning to see how we live our lives. (However we want) Not that she didn't try to boss DH around, she did. DH gets really annoyed by it. I just sit back and watch the circus. She also likes to tell DH what he should buy, how he should decorate our house and so on. I think she was here to try to "catch" me being "mean" to her. (not serving her hand and foot) She acted as if me setting the boundary that she not touch my things was the end of the world. HUGE crying fit after that one. I think she was hoping to create another incident like that one but since she wisely didn't touch my things, there was no incident. 

What she found instead is that DH and I go out a lot and live our own full lives. Most days I'm not even home by dinner so there is nothing to "catch" and I certainly don't cater anything to her. I am polite. I am not passive aggressive like she is but I kept my distance and lived my own life. 

She pulled her old games of bringing gifts for ONLY DH, talking about these gifts incessantly in front of me, making sure that when I went out she offered to treat ONLY DH to a restaurant dinner, talking about people I don't know or memories from childhood that I was not there for. I ignored it all. 

She stayed in our guest cottage that has it's own fully equipped kitchen but she would insist on coming into my kitchen, stomp around in a huffy, aggressive and off-putting manner to cook her own meals and then slam the door on her way out.

I stayed out of her way and was fortunate that her cooking never interfered with my use of my kitchen. She took her dirty dishes from the guest cottage and put them in the dishwasher in the main house which results in having all the guest house dishes mixed in with our dishes. I ignored it all but I did laugh as she ran out of dishes in the guest cottage because she had brought them all into the my kitchen and left them there. Natural consequences. By the end of her trip she had stopped coming into my kitchen to cook. 

She likes to make up reasons why I am the problem. My personality isn't effervescent enough, I don't wait on and serve her hand and foot etc... but I know that the real problem for her is that I EXIST. As much as I dislike being around her, I still managed to make sure my presence was felt. She came into the door, I am there. I try to never be alone with her and I don't seek out spending time with her and DH but if DH and I are in our normal spots and she comes along, I stay firm and present in my space. 

She left in an uppity, pissy mood. I am pretty sure she won't be back for awhile. I remained calm and carried on and never reacted to her behavior or attitude. I hope the experience was no fun for her and she will find her own place to live. Then DH can go visit her in her own space. 
 

Last edited by Meera (6/28/2026 11:41 pm)