SD was in college and SS in high school when DH and I started dating. We did not marry or live together until they were both out of school so I didn’t have to live with them. Or at least that was the plan.

They both tolerated DH dating me. Polite, but scarce. When DH told them we were engaged, SD (who was engaged herself) cried. SHE was going to take care of him when he was old. She did not believe he lived me.

I do think both skids tried. But I didn’t assimilate to their liking (meaning I didn’t put them at the center of my own life and hang on their every word) and I didn’t disappear when they wanted to be with Daaaaaaaady. (Not that I was always present, but they would have preferred that I actually disappear.) And then one or the other would do something kind for me too. But they were losing control of their father and they didn’t like it.

SD’s competition with me (and my kids) ramped up over time and my patience for the nonsense and willingness to be excluded and ignored waned. Which gets us to today—total disengagement.

My only regret is losing my relationship with the oldest grandkid. SD, surprisingly, did not prevent me from having a loving relationship with her oldest. I hope I can reconnect with him after he is out of his parents’ house.

MorningMia, I relate to your story. We did have a honeymoon period, but one that was not as it seemed in retrospect. SS and I got along for the first year or two, but we only got along because I never asserted any preferences, and I was always doing things for him and getting him gifts. But I stayed away from BM because she seemed clearly narcissistic and problematic from the get go. But weirdly, she was always asking dh to get me to meet up with her and hang out. I'm very certain that she wanted to do surveillance so that she could gather intel. Her goal was to use me and disrupt dh and my relationship, both of which she's done throughout our relationship. On SS's part, he acted very sweet at first. I learned from DH's friends when we hung out with them that SS was seen as a "Eddie Haskel". Even DH warned me that SS was putting on a bit of a show. I honestly didn't know how much SS was putting up a front until later. 

But obviously, me giving in to everything and him getting his way in everything was not sustainable. SS started to become more jealous and enraged when he didn't get his way. One incident stands out. SS always wanted to sit by dh on the plane or train and even ride shotgun in the car. If DH hesitated at all, SS would start to act like he was getting a panic attack and he would almost cry that he was scared of flying. But there were many indications that SS was just acting, and on this one flight, DH said that he was going to sit with me for once. In the airport also, we had been doing an iphone game together also. I could see out of the corner of my eye that SS was getting upset, maybe feeling left out. Anyway, when we saw him after the plane ride, SS gave both of us the silent treatment, and he became super aggressive, like taking his bag roughly and shoving DH's hand at some point. From then on, it was non stop bullying me, excluding me, refusing to show me any courtesy, etc. I took the hits and still tried to engage him for a few years after that, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I was feeling scapegoated and resentful, and my health was deteriorating. That's when I disengaged.

Kes, I don't know if it was good or bad that you had no honeymoon period with the SKs and BM. I wonder if it would ultimately have been better for me to know what I was getting into. I think that the "honeymoon" period fooled me into thinking that there was a way to get along with SS if I made the right effort.

Kes wrote:

I can remember thinking it was a bad sign when they left the little cards and presents I had given them, where we lived rather than taking them back to BM's.  We never had a honeymoon period, as such, it was bad right from the word go.  SD29 was particularly skillful, as a young child, at sabotaging outings when I went along. After a little while I stopped going and disengaged.  It was certainly less than a year. BM would constantly phone DH and harangue him about things she didn't need to - and it took me 5 years to get it into his head that he didn't need to continue the phone call if she was shouting at him .  He always tried to appease her. I was the one with the least power and the least influence over familial matters. 
BM's main concern was money and power. .Never mind that DH gave her a heap of money - she always wanted more.  The SDs just wanted me gone.  

Yea, sounds like those kids were indoctrinated at very young ages. 
Have you seen the movie "Mother's Day?" There is a scene where the young boys are basically asking for their bio-mom's approval to be mean/rude to the stepmom (because they want their mom's approval). They have clearly received the message that bio-mom has issues with the other situation (but everyone comes around later).
Makes you wonder how much indoctrination includes covert "orders" (sneers, eyerolls, crying/upset, snickering, kids overhearing moms' conversations) and direct orders such as "You don't have to  listen to her," etc. 

With us, I think BM played the victim role really hard. I can't imagine the drama she subjected the kids to. 
 

MorningMia wrote:

Tryingjusttrying wrote:

MorningMia, I relate to your story. We did have a honeymoon period, but one that was not as it seemed in retrospect. SS and I got along for the first year or two, but we only got along because I never asserted any preferences, and I was always doing things for him and getting him gifts. But I stayed away from BM because she seemed clearly narcissistic and problematic from the get go. But weirdly, she was always asking dh to get me to meet up with her and hang out. I'm very certain that she wanted to do surveillance so that she could gather intel. Her goal was to use me and disrupt dh and my relationship, both of which she's done throughout our relationship. On SS's part, he acted very sweet at first. I learned from DH's friends when we hung out with them that SS was seen as a "Eddie Haskel". Even DH warned me that SS was putting on a bit of a show. I honestly didn't know how much SS was putting up a front until later. 

But obviously, me giving in to everything and him getting his way in everything was not sustainable. SS started to become more jealous and enraged when he didn't get his way. One incident stands out. SS always wanted to sit by dh on the plane or train and even ride shotgun in the car. If DH hesitated at all, SS would start to act like he was getting a panic attack and he would almost cry that he was scared of flying. But there were many indications that SS was just acting, and on this one flight, DH said that he was going to sit with me for once. In the airport also, we had been doing an iphone game together also. I could see out of the corner of my eye that SS was getting upset, maybe feeling left out. Anyway, when we saw him after the plane ride, SS gave both of us the silent treatment, and he became super aggressive, like taking his bag roughly and shoving DH's hand at some point. From then on, it was non stop bullying me, excluding me, refusing to show me any courtesy, etc. I took the hits and still tried to engage him for a few years after that, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I was feeling scapegoated and resentful, and my health was deteriorating. That's when I disengaged.

Kes, I don't know if it was good or bad that you had no honeymoon period with the SKs and BM. I wonder if it would ultimately have been better for me to know what I was getting into. I think that the "honeymoon" period fooled me into thinking that there was a way to get along with SS if I made the right effort.

This sounds awful! I think the skids here would have liked to behave like your SS (overt aggression) but they knew DH did have that line in the sand. So, I was the recipient of an enormous amount of passive aggressive behavior (I know you have gotten that, too!) that, really, never ended. It's just that the skids' access to successful passive aggressive behavior toward me has dwindled down to about 2%--they really don't have access to me any longer. But--SD recently sent DH a refrigerator magnet--a calendar with photos of her brood with the words, "We love you, Grandpa!" (dangling carrots!) printed on the calendar. Not mentioning me honestly makes perfect sense since I don't know any of the grands nor do I want to know them--and there is no love there. That this is a fridge magnet in the kitchen where I live also is just another stupid dart thrown this way, a lifting of one's leg, so to speak. The background and our past speak clearly through this "gift." It would have been cheaper to omit the printed words and made the thing more neutral. But noooo.  

In the early days, it was harder for DH to see the behavior and admit it. Most of the skids' acting out was in done in such a way that it could easily look like I was misinterpreting it or reading into it (for ex, the fridge magnet). But I'm so accustomed to this, I see it immediately. When DH would see it and confront them, SS would respond with, "I'm a douchebag!" (WHAT?!) and apologize, but SD notoriously ALWAYS broke into a crying fit and denied everything.

Eddie Haskell lives! lol. 
 

Same boat @MorningMia! I don't know the gSKIDs at all and there is no love there. Could there have been? Yes. But now I watch from afar- grandpa visits 1-2 times a year alone, it's short brief visit usually some exchange of a gift or a visit to the zoo- he comes back doesn't really give me any details and I don't ask. I am not even curious about them. I figure at this point you've told and shown me that you don't see me as family, well...I guess we're not family! Took me a LONG time to get to this point - years of anger than simmering resentment and now apathy. I wish them well but not using any of my space, time or resources just how I wish for the rest of the human beings on the planet. Freeing. Now if they were smart and strategic they would have dug their talons into me and manipulated me more into thinking they cared I would have been naive enough to take the bait and they would have gotten a whole lot out of me- but alas not the smartest and that worked out A-OK.