This sounds quite illuminating and no doubt, many of us can relate to that. Would you remember what podcast it was?

I have disengaged as much as humanly possible and probably have one of the better setups not living with my SO and his feral, aggressive teens/tweens, but disengagement also comes at a cost of time together, the general level of closeness with your SO etc. And some resentment about that, naturally.

While I tell myself it’s not my house and not my spawn, I shudder every time I happen to catch a glimpse of their squalid bedrooms. They easily avoid ANY basic duties by just ganging up like little bullies and aggressively shouting my SO down who then gives up. He oscillates between yelling at them about stuff that doesn’t matter (a badly sealed snack packet) and letting them off with big things. For example, they’re allowed to go to friends for sleepovers or have them over without the prior condition to at least clear the floor of their room of dirty underpants and food scraps. My SO, when I occasionally corner him, just throws his hands up and clasps his eyebrows, with eyes turned up heavenward, lamenting their “temperament”, which infuriates me, because I have come to realise that he’s deeply invested in this “victim” stance that started well before he reproduced with their wretched mother and her whole disease and dysfunction ridden family, and perhaps he sought someone like her out almost deliberately to strengthen that stance of a martyr.

Last edited by BanksiaRose (Yesterday 9:16 pm)

Really insightful. While I was never subjected to day in and day out abuse from the skids, I deeply resented what I was subjected to during their visits, which weren't even all that frequent. But I see that I also resented their treatment of DH, and how that affected our marriage. I tend to be more protective of other people than myself, so even if/when the skids weren't around, I resented their use of holidays to try to hurt him/us, "punishing" him by ignoring him on Father's Day or his birthday, the treatment of him/us at SD's wedding. It's been years of arrows fired in our direction. It was years of him getting depressed every Christmas or Father's Day. 

I "saved" myself by deciding a long time ago not to go to (most) events. I did not attend the skids' graduations (I sent my own gifts to them through DH); I did not attend baby showers (another avenue they attempted to use to punish); I just didn't see that much of them. But I saw the fall-out re: DH. And it hits me now that it was how their cruel behavior affected our marriage is what I have been most resentful of. And how, I believe, that was their purpose. In the worst of days, I used to say to DH that the goal was for our marriage to crumble under the pressure. I do not doubt for a moment that it was mostly, if not all, under BM's direction. 

As I've said on here ad nauseum, it was during/after DH's health crisis when I finally said, "Enough" and truly meant it. It wasn't just how they behaved in our house--sleeping all day (NOT helping DH), acting like they expected to be waited on, abusing the use of DH's car and credit card (he gave it to SS to buy food), being mean to our dog, etc.--what did me in was that afterwards, they said nothing publicly about being here, about their father nearly dying. For years, the skids' social media was all about BM. . . constant over-the-top praise, mommy-and-me cheek-to-cheek profile pics well throughout their 20s--all the while, they pretended they didn't even have a sperm donor. I used to laugh that they were virgin births.
So, it was ultimately or finally about DH that was the true breaking point for me.  

I closed the door. They are never allowed on this property again. I have zero connections with them--on or off-line. Done. 

Thanks for posting this. It made me realize a few things. 

Last edited by MorningMia (Today 6:31 am)