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1 of 1- Merry
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Speaking of boundaries
DH had to have unplanned surgery this week. He’s home and doing well with best possible outcome. His health can be precarious, with his varied diagnose and drugs that compete for attention, and any one of them could take him out. Honestly, I don’t know how much the skids know.
Knowing things could take a wrong turn, I asked DH if he told his kids. Said he “thought” he did. But we agreed that it was up to him. We also agreed that he would inform them of results when he could after surgery, assuming good results.
It felt wrong not to at least drop them a message post surgery. But I was following the plan that DH and I agreed on, and I still default to what I think is normal family interactions. I didn’t contact them.
I don’t know if he contacted them or not. Definitely not when I was around, but I wasn’t there all the time. And he didn’t mention anything, and I never ask. They manage their own relationships, even if all three of them put no effort into it. This includes DH.
I had plenty of contact with a handful of his good friends and my daughter. I am grateful for that.
- Exjuliemccoy
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Re: Speaking of boundaries
"They manage their own relationships, even if all three of them put no effort into it."
This is my mantra, too. My DH had another surgery on the ninth - the eleventh one in twelve years - & I don't have the bandwidth to care about such things anymore. I'm not the cruise director anymore, remember? I do always make a brief "DH's surgery went well" fb post so people in our circle know, but that's it.
- JRI
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Re: Speaking of boundaries
My DH88 had a valve replacement in January then was hospitalized after a fall and pneumonia in April. I let all 5 kids know including SD64. Altho she and I are incommunicado on any other topic, I gave her all the info and allowed her to visit twice since he's been home. Regardless, I've learned that she texted a granddaughter inaccurate information, implied she was here when the paramedics came, quoted an imaginary nurse and said I'm trying to kill him. Actually, if I were trying to kill him, it would have been easy. In November, the heart doc gave him 6 months if he didn't get the valve replaced. He was throwing a fit and swearing he would not go thru an op. All I've had to say was "Okay, Honey" instead weeks of arguments and dissension. Thanks for the support, SD.
Last edited by JRI (6/19/2026 4:24 pm)
- Kes
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Re: Speaking of boundaries
I'm glad your DH's surgery went as well as it could, Merry. I understand it feels wrong not to keep Skids informed, but well done on holding your boundaries and letting DH make the decisions on contact.
- MorningMia
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Re: Speaking of boundaries
You're in a good place, and I'm glad your DH is doing ok.
After the fiasco during and following my DH's surgery a couple years back, he told me that in the future, he will not tell his kids about any scheduled surgeries, etc. and he did not want me to tell them. We both agreed that if we felt we needed help here at home, we'd hire a home health agency. I'm good with that! None of us need added stress during already stressful times.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Meera
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Re: Speaking of boundaries
I'm glad your husband's surgery went well.
I have accepted that Sdiablas are anything but a regular family. I don't think it's a step parent's job to keep hostile SK's informed. Their own parent can do that if they so chose.
As for me, I have enough responsibility with caring for DH and my own BK's.
Last edited by Meera (6/20/2026 5:59 pm)
I'm loving midlife - Me+era
- StandingStrong
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Re: Speaking of boundaries
Happy to know your husband's surgery went well and he's doing good. DH has not had any major issues yet that have required surgery or hospitalization. He's had a few "health issues" that were "moderate" (doctor visits and meds). When I asked him about telling his kids, he said no. I guess it's something he and I need to discuss though.
I am still somewhat shocked when things come up in our lives (SMs) that should have an easy and quick answer. But no....even a major illness has to be discussed. SMH