I hope the fiance is a strong person. But, sounds positive so far.

You have to feel for the prospective bride - marrying into BM's family.  Her best hope is to keep BM firmly at arm's length.  I wish somebody had warned me about my toxic MIL before I got with DH.  

Merry wrote:

If you can’t meet in person, do it online! What a great opportunity to show the stable side of SS’s family.

Great idea, Merry! Thanks. 

Meera wrote:

MorningMia wrote:

Within the last couple of years--or one (I don't know for sure), SS moved over 1500 miles away from BM. I know he was under massive pressure to stay with/near her. She and SD were heavily engaged in dangling the carrots of DH's grands/SS's nieces/nephews in his face in an almost cruel manner. SD (these people!) even put an announcement up on a local dating app "advertising" her brother as a great uncle, great around kids, using an image of him with her oldest--apparently in hopes that he would get involved with a local woman and have to stay. 

SS is in his late 30s and has been wandering and directionless most of his adulthood. In the new location 1500+ miles away, it appeared that he was setting himself up to bolt again (contract jobs, no car, etc.), but he met a woman.  Shortly thereafter, SS landed the first permanent position I've ever known him to have, and DH says it pays very well. He began settling into his new community, bought a car, yada yada.

He recently told DH they are planning on getting married. And they are having a wedding. Out there. And he wants us to come out. He'd prefer we meet his fiance ahead of time. That likely will not happen.  

None of this is on BM's terms (for once). She has not met the bride in order to disapprove or approve of her (I mentioned here before that SS dumped a really nice GF suspiciously after BM met her . . . the stated reason for the dumping was the young woman's weight, which would most definitely be a BM call). She has no say where the wedding will take place. Although I am sure she will attend, I don't think SD, BM's crutch who now has several small children, could possibly make it. I do not know how BM will possibly handle any of this. If fiance is somewhat normal and stable, I don't know how she will handle the toxic, intruding, controlling future MIL, who will want to pry into every area of her life. 

Honestly, I think SS wants his fiance to meet us in order to assure her that there is some sanity in his family of origin. I know he has a rough, rough road ahead of him. When we met the supposedly overweight GF, she mentioned that SS had talked very positively about both of us and she seemed genuinely open to developing a relationship with us. Then, poof!, she was gone. 

If this lasts and a wedding takes place, I'll be fine with flying out there, primarily to support DH. It will actually be a relief to attend an event where toxic BM does not have all the control. She'll have to be on sedatives to handle it, I imagine. I can also use the trip to visit a niece I haven't seen in a long time. What an interesting thought to imagine that it would be SS who might turn the tables. We might attend a wedding where we are not treated like untrained apes. But, then again, I've had my hopes up before. 

I'll just sit back and watch for now. 







 

Oh boy, SK wedding is the stuff of nightmares for me.
The bright side of SDidablas's transient lifestyle is that they are not getting married and having kids that will be used as pawns, the future generation of dysfunction.  
I'm not sure if I would attend a SD wedding but I am leaning towards ..... no. 
 

My SD's wedding was . . . unbelievable (and not in a good way). What was good is DH stood up to the cruelty and actually raised his voice at the wedding coordinator when she told me (as she was told to do) I had to go away and stand (far away--out of sight) by a barn in the cold while "first look" photos were taken of SD and her father (in the presence of BM and her BFF). No, they did not want to allow me there to watch. DH said, "My wife is standing right here with me!" . . . which ruined SD's moment (I saw the look on her face). There was another incident that occurred before the ceremony where he wanted to leave, but I told him that would feed into the narrative of us that everyone there had obviously been told. In some ways, though, I think we should have left. BM does not have the same kind of control over SS (although there is still that "you must be loyal to me" thing with them) and even if SD showed up, this would be a wedding on someone else's turf. . . not "the crazy turf." 

I am praying that fiance's parents are normal.