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1 of 1- Merry
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Same script, different day
DH has a telephone relationship with SS. He calls a couple times a week, and I rarely hear any of the convo or get much of a report other than maybe headlines.
This morning I was getting ready for a swim in our pool. I have a heart condition (under control) so I don’t swim unless somebody is there, and DH said he’d be right out. SS called and I become instantly invisible. Damn that’s such a trigger for 20+ years of bad behavior. I wait a bit, then interrupt DH and ask him to move outside. Oh sure, and he’s really sorry. For the 3211th time.
I get in the pool and until I really get going I can hear their conversation because DH has SS on speaker. SS’s new job isn’t what they promised, they’re making bad business decisions, people aren’t honest, his boss is threatened by SS’s talent. He was able to get two losers fired. He anonymously sent a manager a rude “gift.”
This is pretty much the same script for every job he’s had since high school. SS has been fired from his last 3 jobs and it’s never been his fault.
I don’t hear much, but what I do hear is alarming. DH asks if SS is ok financially if something happens to this job. (Taking bets—how long will SS keep this job? Will he make it a year?) I will say that SS never asks for money and the one time DH offered anything substantial he had incorrectly assumed that we’d cover it from our joint household money. Lesson learned there, I hope, big guy.
Their convo goes on … and on … At some point DH asked about SD. Time for some serious laps and lots of splashing so I heard nothing. Other than a piece of something about SD being abandoned when she went to college. (That’s when DH and I started dating—surely no correlation,right?)
I finish up, jump in the shower. All DH says to me later about the call is “That boy is so darn smart. Really insightful.” Where the hell that came from I don’t know. It’s possible I’ll hear bits and pieces over the next day or two. Hopefully I won’t though.
Usually I can let this nonsense go pretty easily. But I’m struggling with this one, starting with DH forgetting about me. I’m working on it.
- WarMachine13-Mod
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Re: Same script, different day
SS is a real champ (sarcasm font).
- JRI
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Re: Same script, different day
I know that spidey feeling when your gut tells you there's more (bad) news to come while your DH praises some insanity. I bet your DH is like mine. .My DH is a genius judge of people, has a Phd in common sense and street sense. If he heard some of SD's statements out of anybody else's mouth, he'd seriously crush it immediately. Instead, I hear his version of "he's so insightful". Sigh...
- Kes
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Re: Same script, different day
The fact that SS has been fired from 3 jobs suggests something about his personality and his inability to fit in with the world. I wonder if your DH has described his son as "insightful" before or whether this is the first time? Anyway, I'm sorry that DH ignored you - I get that also.
- Merry
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Re: Same script, different day
WarMachine13-Mod wrote:
SS is a real champ (sarcasm font).
Champ of … arrogance.
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Thread Starter- Merry
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Re: Same script, different day
JRI, my DH is an actual PhD. Wicked smart, lacking sense. And here we both are.
Kes, I’m not sure DH has used the word “insightful” before. But he has said “smart.” And he’s not wrong. Both SS and SD have brains. SS can be charming but ultimately that crumbles. I’m not sure why.
I sort of wish I had asked DH what he meant. But then I’d have had to bite my tongue into hamburger. Better to just move on.
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Thread Starter- MorningMia
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Re: Same script, different day
DH here takes walks or hides on the back screened in area when I'm here and the skids call. I see it as both not wanting to bother me with their talk (thank you) but also not wanting me to hear what's really going on most times. I'd be po'ed, too, if I was left in/by the pool when he knows he's needed there. It probably would have been best for your DH to have called SS back later.
The mention of SD being "abandoned" must be another part of the playbook. These skids, like so many of their parents-in-denial refuse to let go of what is not reality. They cling to it and try to keep hammering it home, as if repeating a lie enough times will make it the truth. My skids became very angry when DH pushed back, but they eventually learned to quit using that word, bringing up that falsehood because the conversation would not end well for them.
One thing that I think helped my DH make it through the "perfect skid" fog was I did state the truth. I was careful not to badger, but I would sometimes ask, "What do you mean by that?" or I'd just state what I heard or saw (I worked hard not to have much emotion in my voice). For the most part, I think I was just confirming what DH felt/knew deep inside but didn't want to admit. DH does that with me as well about various things that I may not be seeing clearly, and I appreciate it, even if I get annoyed at times.
Another thing that helped was he saw how other people's kids acted, how his friends' families operated without a bunch of nonsense, how my family embraced him (including the young kids), and how things didn't have to be the way they were with his ex and kids. . . and how all of that was their choice.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- MorningMia
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Re: Same script, different day
I know that spidey feeling when your gut tells you there's more (bad) news to come while your DH praises some insanity. I bet your DH is like mine. .My DH is a genius judge of people, has a Phd in common sense and street sense. If he heard some of SD's statements out of anybody else's mouth, he'd seriously crush it immediately. Instead, I hear his version of "he's so insightful". Sigh...
This. So many times this. My DH is super insightful when it comes to others. Almost scary. Intolerant of arse behavior from other people. Despises rudeness. Hates loud behavior in public. Yet, for many many years he tolerated the intolerable out of his own kids. I used to hear him brag to friends about the geniuses, even after one genius had recently been arrested for drugs and the other genius was pushed out of her ultra-religious school because of sexual acting out and drinking. God, those days were difficult. I'd sit there feeling like I was in the twilight zone, watching my husband believe the unbelievable.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.