ThirdChildSecondWife wrote:

I returned this week to a therapist who has seen my husband off and on for many years. She also saw us as a couple about a decade ago. 
She told me my approach is spot on. She said do not change a thing, that is exactly the correct repair for the situation, that repair being: a 3-way call with stepdaughter and husband and me, I remain silent, but he tells stepdaughter 1. your request to exclude ThirdChild was wrong, 2. I should not have agreed to it, 3. I will never exclude ThirdChild again, 4. so don't ask again for ThirdChild to be excluded. 
Of course, it still hasn't happened and I haven't even seen him today -- he's hiding out in this giant house somewhere, I can feel his sh!t energy draining mine. 
Thanks everyone for all your thoughts -- I am reading your comments, but find responding a little awkward on this site.

I don't agree with your therapist because I don't think this will happen.  Triangulating in a third person when you tell your husband that you expect HIM to not allow you to be marginalized is not going to get great results. He doesn't do it because he "means' it.. if he does it it's to get you off his back.. hardly genuine is it?  It actually allows this situation to paint you as the bad guy for "forcing him".. and lets his daughter tell him that she thinks you are too difficult.. and what was the harm in biological family leaning on each other after the death of a close loved one.  See daddy.. she hates me and is trying to keep you from me.
and.... in the end.. the chances of changing her behavior when it has been a long pattern of estrangement with you.. very small.
So, you are going to let this fester and cause yourself more hurt in your relationship because you can't get past it.. because to do so, you have convinced yourself the only way is this big "confrontation" with his daughter. 

I've lived 60 years and one of the things I have figured out is that from time to time.. good people.. those that are supposed to care about us do things that hurt our feelings.. most likely due to circumstances that have little to do with us.  If HE is sorry he allowed this to happen.. that should be enough.. unless he has a pattern in your day to day life of not fulfilling your needs as a partner.  Ultimatums rarely work for most people.. who will resent the presure... and push back at even somewhat reasonable parts of our requests.  The old "i'm doing it because I want to.. not because you are telling me to" attitude. 

I, of course, would also proceed accordingly.. he can't fail when you don't give him the chance... I would draw my line at spending time with his daughter... if she doesn't want to have you around.. that's a two way street.
 

ThirdChildSecondWife wrote:

You misunderstand the point of the call entirely.
It is not to confront stepdaughter nor to change her behavior. The call is only about him and us. I don't expect stepdaughter to change after 20 years.
I am asking him to change how he handles stepdaughter because I cannot stay in the marriage if he does not -- but that's not an ultimatum. It's his choice if he wants to repair or break up. No one viewed stepdaughter asking me to be dumped at the hotel as an ultimatum from stepdaughter so why is this request to repair viewed as an ultimatum?
 

That is literally what an ultimatum is.. it's his choice.. confront his daughter or you will leave him.  The fact that you know it won't change her behavior.. that it will only likely serve to alienate him from his daughter (and have her resent you more if that's possible).. means you are asking him to choose.. you or his kid.  Long term, I don't like those odds for you.  If he does the call.. his daughter will likely punish him.. very long term is likely.. he will then in turn be more likely to blame this on YOU.. that you are the reason why he doesn't have a relationship with her. 

If he does not make the call... you have laid down your gauntlet.. and so will you really leave? if you don't.. you have shown his daughter you are absolutely someone that should be excluded from things like those dinners (from her perspective).. so your position is "worse" then too.

Sometimes we can be right or happy.. not both.. love saying it because it's true.

At the end of the day, this woman doesn't have to be an ever-present part of your life.  She isn't a minor.. your husband can have a relationship with his daughter independent of your involvement... and while I understand it was hurtful to be excluded from "her family grief lunch after her grandmother's funeral"... in the end, in your place, I would have been very happy to not attend and have to spend any more time with someone I didn't care for in an intimate setting.  

But, if you truly need to have him confront his child.. I would suggest the next step is going to discuss your options with a divorce lawyer so you are prepared for that eventuality.  I'm guessing he still hasn't done what you asked correct?

Survivingstephell wrote:

I think the therapist is trying to get dad to draw a new boundary around his marriage.  It’s a three way call so stepmom can experience that happening in real time with accountability.   

I think as a veteran stepmom who’s put up with enough nonsense thru the years, it’s a dream come true when your man draws a boundary around the marriage to people who are not friends of the marriage.  This should have been done years ago but here we are……. 20 years later , and he is still trying to kick the can down the road so he doesn’t have to have the conversation.  

OP, I see you.  I hear you.  I hope he does.  

You can frame it like that.... but the reality is that doing so in a family that clearly has dysfunctional dynamics means that the likelihood of it happening is probably small to begin with.  Look.. if this guy wanted to "heal his wife's trauma".. he would have made some kind of effort to do so in the last 20 years.. and certainly would have been all in on this late in the game confrontation.. but he isn't.. because he doesn't want to.. and he knows full well that if he brings his daughter to the woodshed with the audience of her adversary... (like having a maligned sibling be present for the belt session.. or dressing down an employee in front of peers) that the fallout is going to quite possibly lead to estrangement of his child... and he is not willing to do that.. he doesn't want to lose his child.  annnnnd.. after 20 years, his wife has learned that he won't "stick up for her" against his child.. why on earth would we think it would change now.

I get that her therapist has told her this is "fair and what you need to heal".  The reality is we sometimes just never get the apology or karma or reconning when it comes to bad crap in our lives... if she is serious about leaving the marriage.. then I guess that is one way she can go with it.  But, if her marriage is generally good (with this one area of blind spot that doesn't rear it's head often any more because the sdaughter is an adult and no longer is a daily presence)... then she is cutting off her nose to spite her face.. because does she really want the relationship to be over?  

If this guy has still not done what she wants him to do... then he doesn't want to do it.  If he does it, it's going to be the result of her ultimatum.. not because he thinks it's really all that right or valid of a request.  And when his daughter reacts negatively.. he will resent his wife for forcing it.  

I hear her pain and frustration too.  I see how the years of conflicts have worn on her...I'm just coming from a pov of pragmatism.. in the real world where sometimes things aren't entirely fair.. and sometimes we have to make peace with the way things are.  The whole Courage to change things, the serenity to accept things and the wisdom to know which situation you are in.