Welcome!!!
October fun facts
https://www.almanac.com/content/month-october-holidays-fun-facts-folklore
#cc6600
1 of 1- hs752
- New member
Offline
A scream into the void!
So sad to see the steptalk forum close, but so thankful for this!
background: My SO (together 4 years, not married, do not live together) got full custody of his daughter(14) last August. BM was just about as horrible of a person as one can get and was severely abusing D emotionally and psychologically. After SO got full custody, BM effed off and only saw D three times between September '24 and April '25. At the end of April, BM died and has added a whole new level of f*ckery with D. She has gained a lot of clarity about her mom's behavior as she gets space and maturity.....but true closure will never come unfortunately. She is working with a (new and improved) therapist and has been for almost two years.
This child has been through so much already and SO and I were very much looking forward to falling into some normalcy....the universe says hold my beer.
About three weeks ago D came out as trans. SO has handled it as best he can - supporting her, buying her new clothing, took her for a new haircut. Letting her go her own pace, being curious and asking questions in a non-judgmental way. She came out during a therapy session. SO was accepting, but also told her she's going to need skin as thick as concrete - which is true. D is 100% a people pleaser and is OBSESSED with what other people think of her. So when she asks, "do I look like a boy?" We respond with, "how do you feel?" We have worked SO HARD on removing our opinions from her sense of self-worth, that this is like its on STERIODS! We know she has struggled with her self confidence forever - something her mother did a complete job of destroying...and also now discovering or not knowing who she really is now that she is free of trying to make her mother happy. We know these are all underlying issues...all now being buried with this new identity.
It is all very messy - we are now in this dance on eggshells. We are struggling with how to be both supportive but also skeptical (she still refers to herself as a girl, says teenage boys are annoying, is OK if we call her by her given name and not her chosen name, doesn't correct our pronoun use), as well as making sure our feet are firmly planted in reality. This seems entirely triggered by the start of high school and her worry about bullying...and has alluded that she is going to waltz into school today and no one is going to know who she is.
I understand it hurts NO ONE if she wants to explore this, I don't care how she dresses, what she wants to be called or how she cuts her hair. I'm worried this isn't the "fix" she thinks it is. I yearn to understand...but this is hard because I don't think D understands....
I am also struggling with my SO. I have encouraged him to talk to the therapist with his observations/concerns since this bombshell, and get on the same page. He doesn't want to talk about this on any level....I am getting big time avoidance vibes...he just doesn't want to deal with this. I have suggested he get back into regular therapy too (might be time for me to get back in to see mine). I am deeply worried that if I do not handle this "correctly", I am in danger of damaging our relationship. Our parenting styles are coming to clarity, and they don't align. I have had some really dark thoughts that D (or more so how SO parents D) might be the reason I nope right out of this relationship....I am fighting to find grace for everyone in this situation.
I cannot find any support for middle-ground people like my SO and me. We're not arseholes...we love D and have given her a safe space for her to be who she is and to make choices for herself. But we also very much believe that feelings are not facts...and know that this is more likely due to the issues surrounding her mom. I want THAT explored and addressed......not distracted with D's new identity....
thanks for letting me vent....I need to get this off my chest today
- CastleJJ
- Member
Offline
Re: A scream into the void!
I am a social worker by trade and we often see this type of exploration as a means to cope with significant life changes. It is similar to a mid-life crisis in adults but instead of luxury spending, having affairs, drug or alcohol abuse, or going super far into debt, teens tend to work with what they can control. I am sure right now, D feels out of control. They are adapting to a "new normal" with the loss of a parent (no matter how much or how little involvement BM had), facing the reality of starting high school, getting older, etc.
IMO, based on the limited information I have, D is seeking identity and belonging as those are the only two things they can control. I think you and SO are completely right in how you have handled this, in supporting D's exploration and letting D decide how this new self-image fits - pronouns, self identity, etc. If all of this stems from BM's death and struggling with change, the transgender or non-binary identity may not stick and may be a phase to help D cope and they will detransition in the future. If it doesn't stem from that, D may truly be transgender. Regardless, I wouldn't seek true gender affirming care until D is an adult and is able to make those significant decisions. Keep D in therapy and keep encouraging exploration of all of the major changes D has experienced in the last few years.
Be gracious to yourself. You are doing the best you can given a really difficult few years. There will be mistakes as you navigate this, but it is how you handle those mistakes and how you show up, willing to learn and understand, that will make the difference.
Last edited by CastleJJ (9/02/2025 7:35 pm)
- BanksiaRose
- Member
Offline
Re: A scream into the void!
It’s interesting that she came out in a therapy session. I used to work with a psychologist, whose every other client used to come out with either ADHD diagnosis or as trans. The rest of us in the office used to joke that we’re too scared to step into her room in case we come out with one of those. It’s almost like she had two cookie-cutters.
My point is that she wasn’t practicing ethically and that many people (especially teens) in a vulnerable situation in life are easily influenced, especially by someone they see as authoritative.
Last edited by BanksiaRose (9/03/2025 4:10 am)
- AgedOut
- Member
Offline
Re: A scream into the void!
It sounds to me like your SD is a bit lost and trying to find out who she/he is. I think all you can do is let her know you love her, that won't change but also let her know that this is a path she needs to grow as she goes.
I don't think you can do more than that. I applaud how you're trying to be there for her.