Reading the phases you went through is so validating.

I'm somewhere between red-hot-angry and apathy. I am well-past the trying to make them like me phase.
I am right there with you with the "uh huh's," and "that's nice." I still have to bite my tongue not to say more like, "What a stupid thing for <insert Sdiabla or BM> to do." Or, "That's not what I know to be true about them." 
I have to remind myself that I really just don't like them and as the old saying goes, "If you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all."
There isn't anything nice to say about them. They are not my people and I will never really know them beyond the toxic side they show me. They're behavior and personalities will result in the natural consequences of life.
All their relationships are troubled and they don't seem to be able to maintain romantic relationships either. I don't need to do anything. They are a worse enemy to themselves than I could ever be to them. 
If I didn't have to spend time with them I think I could let it go but they like to do "drop-in" visits. Hopefully that lessons over time as DH (and SD's) realize that their visits really aren't that fun. Maybe they will eventually just visit with DH outside our home but for now they are transient so they end up back here between gigs when they have nowhere else to be. 

Last edited by Meera (5/13/2026 11:50 pm)

I'm so glad you are where you are. I have a cousin I spent a lot of time with growing up, and we have traveled together as adults. She has a great saying that she sticks to, something like, "I have created a peaceful life; anyone who tries to disrupt that is not welcome." 

I went from wide-eyed naive, "Yay! Kids!" to concerned (around the time I think the skids were salvageable) to very harmed and hurt to boundary-placing to simmering for a long time--too long of a time--to angry again and then . . . ah, peace.

DH no longer tries to hand me a birthday or holiday card to sign for the ingrates. He no longer attempts to show me carrot-dangling videos of the little grands. I don't know them. He no longer says, "[Ingrate] says hi" after he speaks with skids on the phone.
He gives me little updates here and there--good ones about SS--and every few months he kind of unloads with deep concern about SD. With regard to SS, I say, "uh huh." About SD, I respond, "Well, had she been allowed other influences in her life--like us--things might be different today."  There are no solutions that I see for the deep hole she and her mother dug for her (super trad husband who doesn't carry his weight, 4 bio kids in 5 years, an extremely troubled and sometimes violent adolescent in the home, bad financial moves). Shrug. Not my circus. 

Once we cut the cord that enables them to hurt us, we gain solid ground. I know not everyone is in a position where they want to or can do that with toxicity, but there are other ways to weaken the blood supply they feed on like the leeches some of them are. 

Last edited by MorningMia (5/14/2026 5:39 am)

JRI wrote:

I'm with you.  Except for SD64, my feelings toward OSS62 and YSS58 have faded into "whatever".  OSS was never a problem but YSS could be cutting.  Nowadays, I'm actually shocked that they are both helpful.  OSS takes care of our yard and emergency repairs.  YSS flew here from Florida twice for DHs heart situation and was a huge factor in getting DH to agree to his op.  So, yes, those harsh feelings can fade to " whatever" or can even turn positive sometimes.

That's wonderful to hear JRI- especially with the insanity that you have had to deal with when it comes from SD64. Nice to hear the other SKIDs do some-I am keeping with the "whatever" attitude but I'll try not to block out positive acts if they show up. My SKIDs are pretty entitled I'll have to keep my expectations real low. 

MorningMia wrote:

I'm so glad you are where you are. I have a cousin I spent a lot of time with growing up, and we have traveled together as adults. She has a great saying that she sticks to, something like, "I have created a peaceful life; anyone who tries to disrupt that is not welcome." 

I went from wide-eyed naive, "Yay! Kids!" to concerned (around the time I think the skids were salvageable) to very harmed and hurt to boundary-placing to simmering for a long time--too long of a time--to angry again and then . . . ah, peace.

DH no longer tries to hand me a birthday or holiday card to sign for the ingrates. He no longer attempts to show me carrot-dangling videos of the little grands. I don't know them. He no longer says, "[Ingrate] says hi" after he speaks with skids on the phone.
He gives me little updates here and there--good ones about SS--and every few months he kind of unloads with deep concern about SD. With regard to SS, I say, "uh huh." About SD, I respond, "Well, had she been allowed other influences in her life--like us--things might be different today."  There are no solutions that I see for the deep hole she and her mother dug for her (super trad husband who doesn't carry his weight, 4 bio kids in 5 years, an extremely troubled and sometimes violent adolescent in the home, bad financial moves). Shrug. Not my circus. 

Once we cut the cord that enables them to hurt us, we gain solid ground. I know not everyone is in a position where they want to or can do that with toxicity, but there are other ways to weaken the blood supply they feed on like the leeches some of them are. 

Yep, I was really excited, open and wide-eyed about the opportunity to be a wonderful addition in their life. No longer do I live in that rose colored glass state- peace is what I want and the only thing I am after now. I don't throw myself on the toxic alter of SKIDs any longer and I really do the bare minimum which at this point is pretty much nothing. Good for you- yes, shrug or just pretend you are losing your hearing, I do that sometimes and DH repeats it 3x by the third time I finally have to acknowledge with a "good", "ok", "fine" on any SKID related news. 
 

Kes wrote:

It's good that you feel peaceful with the situation you have reached with steps. I am not quite there yet - most of the time maybe, but then something will remind me of all the horrible things SD31 said and emailed me and I get angry again.  Fortunately she doesn't have any children and I'm hoping this will remain so for a long time, but I know she wants children. If and when she does have them it will probably be on her own because she can't maintain a relationship for longer than 2-3 years. 
One of the main things that triggers me is the fact that DH gives her money every month, quite a lot. One of the nasty names she called me was freeloader - I have never been a freeloader - this is a case of the narcissist putting their own label on someone else. 

Kes, I get IT. It's incredibly hard to let it go when they do HORRIBLE things and they don't even care to rectify it or even feel bad because normal functional people with insight would be feel bad if they hurt a person including a stepparent, but not these selfish SKIDs- they don't care. At some point you might have to take all this stuff you've been carrying and realize it's not yours to carry anymore. 
And don't get me wrong there are times I cycle back when triggered but now I tend to see myself looking into the snow globe of their lives watching it, observing it but not really engaging with it. 

True JRI, I don't know if anyone who went into marriage with bad intentions.
Have to say I saw plenty of posts that the marriage was over if skids moved in and that's real weird to me since that's sure possible. If you don't want kids don't be with someone without kids. Maybe because I'm a man but 'I fell for him' doesn't compute.  You knew he had kids, walk away. Find someone without kids. 

WarMachine13-Mod wrote:

True JRI, I don't know if anyone who went into marriage with bad intentions.
Have to say I saw plenty of posts that the marriage was over if skids moved in and that's real weird to me since that's sure possible. If you don't want kids don't be with someone without kids. Maybe because I'm a man but 'I fell for him' doesn't compute.  You knew he had kids, walk away. Find someone without kids. 

Can't speak for everyone here but I was a person who never wanted my own kids and when I went into DH's world I clicked into I am going to be 100% in. Most stepmoms really believe with enough love, care and sacrifice decade plus of being reliable and showing love that the SKIDs will come around. The majority of us who've been through this washing machine cycle of abuse, rejection and poor treatment come out realizing they were shaped at an early age and it only hardened as the SKIDs aged out. Most of us enter naive to the real pain and trauma they inflict and we walk out different- not necessarily better or worse but I certainly would NEVER do this again. I did my time- it felt like jail, they made sure to make it extra miserable and dramatic and these were boys turning into adult males. And now I set myself free.

The person who should be considering whether it is a positive healthy idea to bring a female/stepmom into the picture is the dad of the SKIDs. They should be the ones to self reflect and have enough insight to understand if this is emotionally unsafe for the stepparent. 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (5/15/2026 10:04 am)

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

WarMachine13-Mod wrote:

True JRI, I don't know if anyone who went into marriage with bad intentions.
Have to say I saw plenty of posts that the marriage was over if skids moved in and that's real weird to me since that's sure possible. If you don't want kids don't be with someone without kids. Maybe because I'm a man but 'I fell for him' doesn't compute.  You knew he had kids, walk away. Find someone without kids. 

Can't speak for everyone here but I was a person who never wanted my own kids and when I went into DH's world I clicked into I am going to be 100% in. Most stepmoms really believe with enough love, care and sacrifice decade plus of being reliable and showing love that the SKIDs will come around. The majority of us who've been through this washing machine cycle of abuse, rejection and poor treatment come out realizing they were shaped at an early age and it only hardened as the SKIDs aged out. Most of us enter naive to the real pain and trauma they inflict and we walk out different- not necessarily better or worse but I certainly would NEVER do this again. I did my time- it felt like jail, they made sure to make it extra miserable and dramatic and these were boys turning into adult males. And now I set myself free.

The person who should be considering whether it is a positive healthy idea to bring a female/stepmom into the picture is the dad of the SKIDs. They should be the ones to self reflect and have enough insight to understand if this is emotionally unsafe for the stepparent. 

I never had kids. It was never "the right time" for me, and by the time I met DH, it really felt too late, and I was ok with that. I love kids and truly believed that I would have great relationships with my skids. In fact, early on, SS and I got along so well that I was a bit concerned that it could bother his mother a bit, so I proceeded with some caution. Early in our marriage when SD was showing that she was troubled, we did invite her to move in with us. Honestly, it felt like she needed deprogramming. Of course, that offer was not accepted. Any act of kindness or empathy from me in particular came back with rudeness, anger, and, honestly, hatred.  

It takes a long time to unburden ourselves of this, because it really is trauma, although no one seems to believe step parents can be so deeply affected. 

WarMachine13-Mod wrote:

ImperectlyPerfect wrote:

The person who should be considering whether it is a positive healthy idea to bring a female/stepmom into the picture is the dad of the SKIDs. They should be the ones to self reflect and have enough insight to understand if this is emotionally unsafe for the stepparent. 

Yeah I agree with that but think both people need to self reflect. Especially when you hear "it's esso great when there's no kids". I wouldn't have any respect for someone willing to abandon their kids because their partner doesn't want them.

Yes it's not about abandoning the kids - it's about the bio parent owning reality, self reflection and frankly being honest about the situation from the start. That bio parent needs to see clearly the dynamics in and out of their home and make sure the stepparent isn't stepping into a mess. If it is a mess, then get your house in order before pursuing a replacement spouse.

A lot of us stepparents are shown a really great side to the family and external family at first - we don't have anything to compare it to so we believe it. It's only after that we see the deep cracks and flaws - I'd rather know it upfront. It's really a duty of the parent to be honest and open. It's also really important for the stepparent to take it slow and really assess the situation. After seeing everything for what it is open and upfront, if the stepparent decides to walk through that door then they are making an informed choice.