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1 of 1- CastleJJ
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BM and GF Had Their Baby
BM and GF's baby was born last week. SS texted us a photo of the baby and told us the baby's name and birthdate. After finding out the birthdate, we realized that BM emailed DH about the delay in scheduling summer visitation on their baby's birthdate, while still in the hospital with GF and their baby. That email was 5 paragraphs long so I'm sure it took time to draft. Clearly we see where BM's priorities lie, since she is never that quick with emails to DH (responded in 24 hours), but she must have felt a response to DH's non-urgent email was more important than freshly postpartum GF and their newborn. I told DH, if he had responded to any of BM's emails while I was in the hospital giving birth or bonding with our newborns, there would have been divorce papers. DH couldn't believe she did that because he would never; it could have waited a few days until they got home. Every other email BM responds to always takes several days.
We talked to SS a few days after BM, GF, and the baby were discharged from the hospital. SS told us that BM picked the baby's name - first name is after BM's favorite HS TV show character (a bit of an immature choice for a woman in her late 30s), middle name is a modified version of BM's middle name, and last name is GF's last name (no hyphen despite BM and GF being married). Curious how those conversations went down since BM appears to have been in control. Other than that, SS is TIRED. SS said BM and GF's room is across the hall from his so he is hearing the baby crying all throughout the night, which is waking/keeping him up. Then he is going to school and sports like normal, despite the limited sleep. SS has never spent any real time with us when our DDs were babies, so he never experienced the inconveniences of babies, especially newborn babies. Even our youngest DD, who is almost 6 months old, SS has only spent a week with at most in her whole 6 months. DH reminded him of such and warned SS that he is in for a whole new experience that will completely disrupt their routines and household as they know it. You could tell SS was irritated by that. SS reported that family is visiting and staying with them to help BM and GF adjust and that nobody is really spending time with SS because all the focus is on the new baby. We called that one. DH sympathized with SS and reminded him that summer is coming. Hopefully this experience will make SS appreciate how much we still focused on him over the years, despite having babies in our home simultaneously.
Wishing their household the best of luck because I have a feeling they are going to need it. I wouldn't be surprised if this baby is the catalyst that ultimately tears BM and GF apart.
Last edited by CastleJJ (4/21/2026 12:08 pm)
- Rumplestiltskin
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Re: BM and GF Had Their Baby
I wonder if now that the new baby is here, SS won’t be so smothered. And i wonder what that will mean for him and for you.
Last edited by Rumplestiltskin (4/21/2026 1:28 pm)
- CastleJJ
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Re: BM and GF Had Their Baby
Rumplestiltskin wrote:
I wonder if now that the new baby is here, SS won’t be so smothered. And i wonder what that will mean for him and for you.
SS isn't smothered at BM and GFs as much anymore. He is smothered when it comes to us, but not when it comes to them or their community. For the last few years, SS has been spending every free moment at friends' houses, running around their city, unsupervised. SS reported that he has been riding his bike to grocery stores, gas stations, gyms, etc. at all hours. BM and GF live in a MAJOR (and pretty unsafe) city so we are shocked they would allow this. DH has also caught on to some inappropriate behavior on SS' part from lack of parenting/supervision so we can tell the freedom is there. BM and GF only prioritize and smother SS with sports to keep SS from visiting us, but I don't think they are actually prioritizing it when he is there and if they are, it's only to serve as free babysitting. BM and GF don't seem to care as long as he is out of their hair and not with us.
I will be curious to see if the new baby and change in focus makes SS want to be here more, but I doubt it given the freedom SS is given. Why visit Dad more for increased parental attention when you can run around unchecked with your friends at all hours of the day and night? And BM would never give DH more time either, just to maintain the control. She would rather pawn SS off on literally ANYONE else than give DH more visitation.
Last edited by CastleJJ (4/21/2026 2:01 pm)
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Thread Starter- Rumplestiltskin
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Re: BM and GF Had Their Baby
I wonder if now that the new baby is here, SS won’t be so smothered. And i wonder what that will mean for him and for you.
SS isn't smothered at BM and GFs as much anymore. He is smothered when it comes to us, but not when it comes to them or their community. For the last few years, SS has been spending every free moment at friends' houses, running around their city, unsupervised. SS reported that he has been riding his bike to grocery stores, gas stations, gyms, etc. at all hours. BM and GF live in a MAJOR (and pretty unsafe) city so we are shocked they would allow this. DH has also caught on to some inappropriate behavior on SS' part from lack of parenting/supervision so we can tell the freedom is there. BM and GF only prioritize and smother SS with sports to keep SS from visiting us, but I don't think they are actually prioritizing it when he is there and if they are, it's only to serve as free babysitting. BM and GF don't seem to care as long as he is out of their hair and not with us.
I will be curious to see if the new baby and change in focus makes SS want to be here more, but I doubt it given the freedom SS is given. Why visit Dad more for increased parental attention when you can run around unchecked with your friends at all hours of the day and night? And BM would never give DH more time either, just to maintain the control. She would rather pawn SS off on literally ANYONE else than give DH more visitation.
That makes sense. I guess i was worried that BM might decide SS is “too much” for them now and try to send an alienated skid your way.
- CastleJJ
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Re: BM and GF Had Their Baby
@Rumple - Yeah I don't think that will happen. I think BM wants SS more than she wants their shared baby. I think there were ultimatums made by GF that ended with them having shared baby. I don't think BM didn't wanted any additional kids because she is too into herself and her own wants/needs. Heck, BM barely wanted SS when she realized that having a baby at 19 wouldn't gain her popularity points and that raising a baby wasn't all dress up and fun but rather hard work. BM has admitted that she only intentionally got pregnant and had SS to fill an emotional void and to give her unconditional love. But BM is all about control and I don't see her giving up control, even if it gets hard.
Also, DH and I have already agreed that if BM tried to pawn SS off on us, we wouldn't take him. BM doesn't get to spend 14 years keeping DH away, undermining and PASing their relationship constantly, and raising SS to be a brat, then dump him on our doorstep. If DH wasn't a "good enough parent" according to BM, this whole time to be able to have a decent relationship with SS, then we aren't suddenly good enough to raise him now when she doesn't want to deal with him. We are not undoing all the damage she has done if she decides she's over parenting him.
Last edited by CastleJJ (4/22/2026 8:48 am)
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Thread Starter- CastleJJ
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Re: BM and GF Had Their Baby
I believe BM is on the birth certificate so her parental rights would be protected in the event of divorce. I know when I had both DDs, the paperwork for birth certificates states "Mother/Father" or "Parent/Parent," I would believe to accommodate same-sex couples. I could be wrong, but I think BM would sign the birth certificate.
SS does not carry DH's last name. BM and DH dated on and off from the summer after they graduated high school through their freshman year of college. They never dated for longer than 6 months consecutively. They lived across the state from each other, never lived together, were never engaged, and never married. They texted daily and visited each other on weekends when they could. DH describes their relationship as "juvenile" at best, filled with all the woes and drama of immature teen dating, with the added complication of an unplanned (except BM planned it) teen/young adult pregnancy at 19 years old. When BM confirmed her pregnancy, she immediately broke up with DH, never looking back, and immediately proceeded with life as a single mother by choice with no ties to DH and doing everything to keep DH out of SS' and her life. DH wasn't on SS' initial birth certificate and had to be added later following a DNA test and a court order, which BM only pursued to obtain CS. She fought tooth and nail about adding him to try to restrict parental rights. So SS has BM's last name and DH, I, and our daughters have DH's last name.
Why the name thing threw me off is because GF has wanted so desperately to be a family with BM and to be SS' MOM. GF used to brag about how she couldn't wait to carry their family name and finally be a true family. Well, BM and GF married, and the last name didn't change. BM and SS maintained their last name and GF maintained hers. We thought it was odd given her expressed wishes just a few years prior. So I figured with this new baby, they would hyphenate the last name for the sake of familial relation. Nope - BM and SS retain theirs, GF and her baby retain hers. When we asked SS about it, SS said that he is BM's child and this baby is GF's child, so matter-of-factly, like there is to be no intersecting of the two. Like two roommates raising two kids in two separate families, with a marriage license tying everything together. I don't care how the last names match up or don't; I just find it strange given GF's statements a few years ago.
Last edited by CastleJJ (4/22/2026 2:36 pm)
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