Agree, intentionally humiliating one's partner or ex-partner is not a good strategy, in my opinion.  It shows you up to be not adult, to be an angry child taking vengeance.  I do not like the term "failed family baggage".  I would not describe anyone in these terms, no matter how much they've hurt me.   In March, DH and I hosted his brother here for a weekend.  This chap had really made me feel unwelcome at a family gathering some years previously, and as a result, I'd had no contact with him until March of this year.  But he came, he was charming (well as charming as someone with ASD can be), and we bonded over a few things.  
On Good Friday, I went with DH and we painted a room in SD29's flat in London, and I cleaned her toilet which was badly scaled.  She was re-letting the flat as she's in Exeter for 2 yrs doing an MA.  She was very gracious in her personal thanks to me, and I now feel less anti-her than I did.  This still doesn't apply to SD31, from whom I've been estranged these 4 yrs, but hey ho.  
There are still some folk that I would never want any contact with ie NPD BM and her daughter, SD31.  But I do not consider them "failed family baggage" - a horrible, demeaning term.  We are all just people, struggling to live good enough lives, aren't we? 

@Rags, they can earn how they're treated, but it's our choice to lower ourselves to their level. "Applying consequences" would be an adult teaching a child or a boss reprimanding an employee. I can calmly and quietly tell another adult I won't tolerate their dramatics, but it's neither my place nor my job to "apply consequences". And while I have zero effs to give about anyone's opinion of me, I'm not about to enlist any sort of "show of dominance power play" in an attempt to alter another adult's behavior, or try to make them feel shame (when all too many do not or have none). Adults know when they're behaving unreasonably and responding to drama with more drama is a waste of my time. Like Mr Aniki, I have a reputation for being calm, logical, and reasonable; not some drama-loving hothead hellbent on correcting dramatic behavior and adding fuel to the fire. My time is far too valuable to waste on people of that ilk. I have more important things to do, like listen to ice melting in my lemonade.

FTR, I have never like "failed family". I know people who grew apart and divorced, but are great at co-parenting and blending until a possible stepparent tries to take command of everything. The family is certainly not a failure. Why is the word 'failed' necessary?

@ThirdChild, it sounds like the therapist has experience with step family dynamics. Yay!
Your husband might never have that conversation with SD (and you). I'm sorry his energy is draining you. Is there something you can do to give yourself a boost? A weekend or day trip, visit the zoo, spend a day with a good friend, spa day... 

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ESMOD wrote:

Rags wrote:

I did say that.  Public correction certainly can be humiliating.  The correction needs to be immediate.  Being humiliated is a personal choice. As is tolerating or not tolerating unreasonableness from a mate's failed family baggage and tolerating or not tolerating a mate's failure to deal with it effectively.

Rags,  Time and place.. the context is important.  This was his Mother's Funeral.  I'm quite certain his "emotional quotient" was just about as raw and ragged as possible at that moment.. he had just buried his mom.. many might be a bit numb and not really thinking straight.. and nothing good would have come from his wife making a scene over the fact that his daughter (that she does not have a good relationship with.. and it has been this way for decades).. asked that she not go to lunch.. maybe because she was being mean-girl.. or maybe because she also was upset after losing her mom and didn't want to spend time with someone she didn't get along with either?

Given that they aren't in close contact with the daughter socially.. it feels like it would be a big stick to use against a situation that is very unlikely to repeat itself because OP can clearly opt out and she can even point to this situation as the reason WHY she refuses to engage when it comes to his daughter.. 

and.. if the balance of her relationship and life with this man have been good.. then sometimes we need to accept that not all is good.. that good people do things that we don't like.. and if it isn't a common situation now and going forward.. we have to figure out how to live with it having happened.. and perhaps without a nuclear threat.

Certainly, context is important.  In hind sight, I agree that going scorched earth at a funeral is not appropriate.  A moderated response, say... "No, I will be with you, which is where, as your spouse, I belong.  I will not be going back to the hotel.  What's for lunch?"  Calm, direct, assertive, respectful.  The noxious progeny of a prior marriage does not get to dictate anything and should not be allowed to. IMHO.  I get that that the Skidult's GM just passed. Though past behavior makes it clear that her manipulation at the funeral was nothing more than more of the same from her and far more likely than not had little to nothing to do with actual grief.  This was an overt move to put an SM in her place.

Enforcing boundaries does not necessarily require overt public humiliation of the one assaulting those boundaries. Though I do think that immediately confronting the overstep can and should happen regardless of when and where that overstep occurs.  That keeps the boundary firmly communicated.
  I allowed my usual stance to overwhelm my brain.  My bad. 
 

Last edited by Rags (4/23/2026 1:38 pm)