I've been in StepHell for 13 years now. Many of you have followed me over the years and know my story. I've frequently vented frustration with BM, GF, PAS, double standards, impossible expectations, etc. and just when I think things can't get anymore frustrating or mind-boggling, I prove myself wrong. Last summer, SS made accusations against me (nothing major - accused me of going through his phone which I did not, nor was I home when allegations were made) and he joined BM and GF in mocking my daughter (3) and I in text messages that DH found. I have invested A LOT into SS over the years - financially, vacations, energy, time, coordinating, making sure he has fun, etc. but after that behavior, I disengaged last summer and have mostly maintained that disengagement. DH has continued to see SS and do for SS as outlined in the CO, with a few extra visits only offered by BM for her benefit, which have proven to be useless and a major headache due to SS' behavior and BM's unrealistic expectations.

Our CO gives DH 4 weeks/28 days of long distance visitation for summer because we live 4 hours one-way, across state lines from BM (BM moved away from us 9 years ago to chase GF). Visitation MUST accommodate SS14's sports schedule. As if it couldn't be any worse, the CO requires that BM only has to give ONE WEEK notice for summer visitation, so BM must provide notice by one week prior to the release of school for summer break or it defaults to a two-two week schedule with set dates. Of course, BM never lets the schedule default because *control* but typically, BM and DH are able to reach an agreement by March/April so we all have plenty of time to prepare.

This week, DH realized that SS is 30ish days away from the end of the school year, which means he is also 30ish days from possibly visiting and we have heard nothing from BM. They are due with their baby any day now, so I'm sure they are preoccupied. DH attempted to coordinate with BM in January, because they received the football schedule (SS' most beloved sport that he's done since age 5, which kicked off all these stipulations originally), only to find out SS was giving up football on a whim and pursuing soccer. Now soccer is the greatest sport to ever exist and SS is "so passionate." BM refused to coordinate in January, fine. DH emailed BM yesterday, reminding her that they have 30ish days left and that DH needs 2-3 weeks notice to take PTO if he is required to pick SS up on weekday. He highlighted that it is in everyone's interest to sort this out sooner than later.

Today, BM responds. She has not received the soccer schedule from the coach (we do not have any soccer information to contact them directly, nor will she provide it) and they don't know when it'll be provided. She reminded DH that he must accommodate sports obligations, that they can adjust visitation into whatever configuration possible as long as DH gets *28 days* and she technically doesn't have to tell DH until the 3rd week of May. She told DH that she will be waiting until the soccer schedule is released and if it isn't released then she will give DH a schedule by/at the deadline. She reminded DH about how *passionate* SS now is about soccer and that it's DH's responsibility to foster that passion, even to DH's own detriment. She said that SS has been practicing for hours every day on his own because this is so important to him (we know SS has really been rotting, playing Xbox because he told us this). But, since BM is within her rights of the court order, no matter how sh!tty it is, DH just responded "I will await a response by x date."

I am so frustrated. If the roles were reversed and BM was the one having summer visitation with SS, she would have demanded a schedule months ago, but because it's us, who cares about last minute planning and possible inconveniences. I am truly to the point where if SS doesn't really care to be here, which I feel like he doesn't based on his behavior and because as we've all said, the relationship with us is weak at best, and if BM is just going to make it pure insanity and chaos to make summer happen, why are we even bothering? I'm frustrated because I know BM and GF are going to base all of this on what suits their schedule best even if it makes it hell for us. They don't care about the double standard, the impossible expectations, etc. as long as they benefit.

I talked to my best friend, who is a child of divorce, and she feels that DH should jump through all the hoops and keep fighting for SS; that it is DH's responsibility to put up with BM's abuse because SS is a child and you can't punish the child for parent dynamics. I vented about how I feel like our family (DH, me, our two girls) are going to have to sacrifice this summer to accommodate this bs. My friend's response is "I signed up for this and knew this when I married and had kids with DH." Like yes, I was aware of how BM and GF were when I married DH, but I didn't think about how it would impact my/our children because how could I ever prepare for that? For them missing a brother who is never here, for having to rearrange THEIR summer for pick-ups, drop offs, and SS' inconsistent and unknown schedule, for possibly making DH miss OUR family events to drive all over timbuktu to navigate this game BM is playing. WHY DO MY KIDS HAVE TO SUFFER AND THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE IT SO THEY DON'T, MEANS THAT DH MAY NOT BE ABLE TO BE A PART OF IT? And it won't be like BM will care about any of it, because she won't be the one doing any of the transportation; her parents will be, so she doesn't care how many trips and short stints this summer is because it won't impact her. I understand where my friend is coming from, and I can't imagine as a parent giving up a child, or being a child with a parent who walked away but I also feel like I'm not wrong here and that insanity breeds more insanity and going along with BM's abuse and chaos is just stupid. At what point do we throw in the towel?

I am to the point where I don't care if SS visits again. I am sick of putting us all through this for a kid who could frankly care less and I'm sick of doing all of this because BM demands we do and the courts have allowed it. DH says he won't jump through BM's hoops and if her proposed schedule doesn't work for us, it doesn't work, but where is the good in that? Either SS doesn't visit, SS visits less than he is supposed to, or DH has to jump through BM's hoops to get what he is entitled to. There are no upsides in this where it benefits everyone. I understand compromise and sacrifice but I'm sick of us being the ONLY ones who do.

Am I wrong?

Last edited by CastleJJ (4/14/2026 5:29 pm)