SMto3 wrote:

Our journey has been a long, tumultuous one. 14 years together and I think I gave it my best, yet here I am, still facing divorce, and abandoned. SSs are now 26 and 21. 2 years ago, SS26 was found to have unregistered weapons in his home and since SS21 was living with him, he was arrested as well. By that time, I had successfully gotten "rid" of them. SS26 lived with his girflriend and SS21 had gotten kicked out of job corp for marijuana possession and had nowhere to go but with his brother, since I had anticipated that and rented an apartment and refused to share my address while DH was OTR trucking. In any case, once SS was in jail, he called me begging to save him, and sucker for tears that I am, and needing to feel important and needed, I obliged. Against my better judgement, allowed him to stay with us again. 
DH said "I'll handle him" when I asked what he woud do if this didn't work out again. Except that's not what happened. Before SS21 moved back in, I spoke to him about everything. His behavior, how his life was where it was, and how I expected that something like that would have happened. Shared my expectations, which were that he was to find full time employment, go to college or go to the military. No marijuana in our home. Initially, he agreed. Within a month, I snooped and saw that he had been looking for the nearest marijuana shop. He had secured a seasonal part time position at a retail store, and on New Year's Eve, he was taking change out of my coin jar and I asked him what he was doing. Immediately, DH says "I've seen him put money in there". Except SS was still waiting on his first check in the mail so he hadn't gotten paid and what DH likely saw was him putting the change back in the change jar that he was likely using to take the bus. SS has never voluntarily given money to this household. I would consider that a definining moment on what started the final scene.

From New Year's day forward DH committed to sleeping on the couch and stonewalling. I realize that stonewalling is a trigger for me. In his mind, he sees it as him having emotional regulation, except he doesn't address or talk about our issues. It seems I was the only one noticing what his son was and wasn't doing and that "I'll handle it" never happened. Lots of arguments happened about SS finding and securing full time stable employment and in those arguements DH stated that "if I have to leave to finish raising my son, I will". We have an 11 year old daughter who I would argue needs him more, but that is his mindset so that was that. I didn't want to destabilize our family so I left the vaping alone. Just pretended he wasn't doing it in our home, yet spoke to him about it and told him not to do it, and tried to encourage him to leave it alone. He found a part timish job at another retail store and just made a year there. 4 days a week, about 7 hours a day of work. A couple of months ago, he got a girlfriend. 
I was not opposed to the girlfriend. She is nice and friendly, goes to college and works at his job. But the very first day she visited, they ended up going to his room. I already knew this was going to progress, because this was what occurred day 1. She then started coming over every other week, which wasn't bad, except I feel he is comfortable and still not really going for his independence. I spoke to him and told him to save, though when I would ask he had excuses for why he had nothing. I spoke to DH almost every day, stressing about what his plan is with launching his son. 
A couple of days ago, SS21 goes for a haircut on Sunday, which is normally his day off. He washes his sheets and calls me to ask them to put them in the dryer for him,which he has never done. Immediately I'm wondering if this is the night he is planning his sleepover. Sure as sh*t, he goes to the door and gets a flower delivery. I ask who they are for and he says it's his girlfriend's birthday. He also bought a cute lovebird Lego set. He sent me a text message saying he wanted to bring her over before they went out for dinner. I misread the text and asked him to come down and speak to us in person. I filled DH in and told him I thought SS was planning to have his gf sleep over and I was not in agreement, he said he wasn't either. 
I told SS that she can come over but not after 10 or 11pm, because then we could be entering the slippery slope of an "accidental" sleepover. He said he wasn't planning on a sleepover, he wanted to hang out with her before dinner. It was about 7pm at this time. So he texted me again and said he wanted her to come over for about 20 minutes before they went to the restaurant. I tell him that's fine, and I reiterated that he can have gf sleepovers when he moves out. He says "i'll just stay over her place then", which I knew was likely a lie because he was barely visiting her at her home. I called him and told him i was okay with whether he wanted her to visit for 20 minutes before dinner or whether he wanted to stay over her house if her parents allowed that, but I reiterated that no one should be walking in past 10pm for a "visit". I encouraged him to learn how to use hotels.  For some reason, he gets upset and says "nevermind, I just won't go" and I told him that he's already bought the flowers and legos and going to dinner, he shouldn't ruin the date, and I was just not understanding why he was behaving that way. He says "nevermind!" and hangs up so I tell DH and he has a talk with him and I hear SS go back up to his room. Call DH to ask what happened and he says SS still going on date, and gf came over. I had my suspicions. 
I woke up at 6am. I had used my trustly little voice recorder and heard when SS tiptoed into the home and I knew. Walked into his room, which I never do, and there he is, sleeping with the girl. I will take full ownership that I could have regulated my emotions better, but I told him to gtf out of my home. 
DH was in the bathroom, so I knocked on the door, hoping he would support me, knowing he would fall short. He says "what's going on" and his son says "gf slept over:" and I mock him and say "gf slept over". And I say you have to get your stuff and get out. He gets his stuff, the girl comes down. I apologize to her and explain to her that we had spoken about this and SS didn't abide by the household rules. I told her that he even went as far as to say he would just sleep over her house if need be and I was okay with that, but I am not okay with girls sleeping over here, because then his want for independence is going to be even less. She says she understands and she leaves.
SS lags behind and says 'sorry but my phone just got cut off' and I told him the same way they took a taxi here before his phone died, they could have taken a taxi to her house, but he didn't do that. He chose to sneak in and have her sleep over, knowing I usually go to to work by 830 and DH is gone by 6am. 
This sets SS off and he starts texting and accusing me of wanting him to be homeless, and that "how does ONE night of gf being here affect you so much" and I stated it's just my rules, and you have a history of lying and disobeying. He said he felt tossed out and abandoned and that he considered me like his mom and this is how I treat him. His mom passed in 1/2024 and she hadn't been a part of his life for about 8 years before that. I was so angry at DH for not backing me up, because he just stood on the couch looking at his phone while I was telling his son to leave. The only thing he did was say in a low voice "she told you not to do it and you still did it", but he wasn't beside me, he was just on the couch. I was so angry at this that I called him an avoidant, and I said a lot of things I regret. Namely that he is the worst partner I've ever had, he hasn't touched me in months, and he doesn't protect his household. That his muscles are for show because he can't command respect in his household.  He ends up using this as his excuse to get up and leave. 
Now he hasn't been in the home for the past 2 days, and says he's looking for an apartment for him and his son. He hasn't spoken about what his plans are for support or parenting plans for our child. I feel so broken and used. I feel like he used what I said as an excuse to leave and save his son. I feel like I don't know how to navigate this. I feel desperate, angry, lonely, confused. I feel like I have feelings of hatred for SS, though I know it's my own fault for letting him in because I know him. Been helping to raise him since he was 7, and he's going to have a rough journey, except DH keeps saving him from himself. I hate this whole thing and regret starting a family with him. Now I feel tied to him through our child and am just so taken aback and in shock at this whole thing, though I know I shouldn't be. 
 

This might have ripped off the bandaid allowing you to get into a healthier environment. 

1. Was DH meeting your needs? Doesn't seem like it.
2. Was DH on your team enforcing boundaries? Not really.
3. Was DH protecting you in any way? No.
4. Did you feel respected? Heard? Supported? Cared for?

If the answers are all Nos- DH is doing a big favor to reassess your life and get out of a situation that is not serving you. Frankly SS doesn't sound like he's going to end up on a great path.

Can you manage things on your own? If you can financially speaking this sounds like a wonderful opportunity to clean up your life and find peace.

SMto3 wrote:

1. Was DH meeting your needs? No. in fact, he had started to sleep on the couch since last year after the change jar incident. Intimacy was less than 12 times. This year-once.
2. Was DH on your team enforcing boundaries? Not really is accurate 
3. Was DH protecting you in any way? No again 
4. Did you feel respected? Heard? Supported? Cared for? No, no, no and no. 

If the answers are all Nos- DH is doing a big favor to reassess your life and get out of a situation that is not serving you. Frankly SS doesn't sound like he's going to end up on a great path.

Can you manage things on your own? If you can financially speaking this sounds like a wonderful opportunity to clean up your life and find peace. I can manage on my own, but I am hesitant to file for divorce and child support. A part of me keeps hoping this will change, but in the past 14 years, it's changed every year...for the worse.

I get it - change is scary but you know what? DH is kinda of making the change happen even if it isn't what you are comfortable with especially moving into a new place. Do what you need to do but ALWAYS weigh the pros and cons and when there really isn't much upside besides fear of change that's typically a time to cut the fish loose, divorce and take the child support. 
 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (4/02/2026 3:11 pm)

I’m sorry your DH didn’t step up as a parent or partner.

When my SS was leaving his recovery program all the professionals told DH and BM that moving back to the same environment that nurtured his addiction was not supporting his recovery. But DH knew better. Only HE could take care of his son.

Quite predictably, SS started using again pretty quickly (he did a different rehab program, never moved back with either parent, and he remains sober 10 years).

Something about this dynamic is about your DH’s needs (my DH too). Something about being the rescuer, even if it’s doomed, is the driving  force. It’s a really messed up view of parenthood. And since you don’t buy into the dysfunction, then you become the problem in DH’s and SS’s twisted minds.

Get yourself back to counseling for support in making this next phase of your life happy and healthy as you move on. Best wishes for a happy future. It’s out there.

I saw a version of your nightmare for your wife when I saw my mom spend 12 years living with my sick, obese, one-legged mentally ill sister for 12 years until she was 93.  Mother Love is very strong.

Rumplestiltskin wrote:

Damn. I’m so sorry this is happening. With “kids” like that, whose parents don’t hold them to any standards, it never ends.

I saw the writing on the wall in my relationship, too. My SO had his 29-year-old daughter move in so he could rescue her. Keep her on the straight and narrow, in school and with a job. After a few months, the only progress she had made was finding people to party with.

The last straw for me wasn’t SD’s behavior. It was my SO’s “head in the sand” way of handling it. I had been the boundary police for so long and i knew i didn’t have it in me to start over with a new sh!ttery of a situation with a new skid from another BM. Up to then, most of our issues had been with the younger set of skids from the younger BM. I looked around and realized i didn’t have any fight left in me. I was like “I don’t know if i even like any of these people!”

When you’re done, you’re done. It sounds like maybe you, too, are done. I’ve kept up with your story and it seemed like you were “done” when you got the separate apartment. But they wormed their way back in and your DH is handling it as well as he ever did. Crappily. Don’t feel bad. You’ve put up with more than a lot of people would.

I feel this post- although still with my DH I am DONE with the SKIDs entirely. I do only what is obligated and even the becomes less since they are now adults. Recently one SKID accomplished a milestone which I literally did not want anything to do with but encouraged DH to go celebrate. Odd turn of events SKID expects I am attending to celebrate - I was dumbstruck by it all. and now I feel inconvenienced because it will suck up 2 of my days I'd rather do something else. I am convinced that he wants me to attend simply because he can try to get something out of it from me or he knows this will incovience me or maybe to play photographer not because I am actually wanted to be there. Old me would have been BEYOND the moon but I think we are at the stage of "too little too late." I have no bad feelings I just don't really want to be Invovled because like you I looked around after decade+ of abusive and neglective behavior by SKIDs and I've come to the conclusion that I don't like any of them. Quite literally.
 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (4/05/2026 8:22 pm)

MorningMia wrote:

SMto3 wrote:

1. Was DH meeting your needs? No. in fact, he had started to sleep on the couch since last year after the change jar incident. Intimacy was less than 12 times. This year-once.
2. Was DH on your team enforcing boundaries? Not really is accurate 
3. Was DH protecting you in any way? No again 
4. Did you feel respected? Heard? Supported? Cared for? No, no, no and no. 

If the answers are all Nos- DH is doing a big favor to reassess your life and get out of a situation that is not serving you. Frankly SS doesn't sound like he's going to end up on a great path.

Can you manage things on your own? If you can financially speaking this sounds like a wonderful opportunity to clean up your life and find peace. I can manage on my own, but I am hesitant to file for divorce and child support. A part of me keeps hoping this will change, but in the past 14 years, it's changed every year...for the worse.

It sounds like you've answered your own question(s). Hoping very rarely lines up with reality. It'd probably be best to get out now at the 14-year stage rather than being at the 24-year stage and questioning yourself as to why you didn't do it earlier. Think of where you want to be in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years. What do you want your life to be like? Imagine all that it could be. 

Love this framing- think about where YOU want to be in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years- yes- think about what you need from life and what you want !